The Top Five Songs That Give A Shout-out to Taco Bell
Posted by: chilly17 in Lyrics Examined, Mexican Food on January 25th, 2012
Wordpress, you are seriously killing me with the spacing issues.
Am I working on a real post? Yes. Is it taking longer than I expected? Yes. Am I still f*cking pissed about the NFC Championship Game? Yes. Am I very pleased about the return of the beefy crunch burrito, despite the fact that I promised myself that in 2012 I would refrain from eating anything with nacho cheese as an ingredient (other than nachos, of course)? Yes – I have long been an advocate of chips inside a burrito, but choosing Fritos over Doritos was beyond brilliant. Let’s celebrate the return of the BCB with a look at the best some songs that reference The Bell (as I also contemplate a side-by-side comparison of the caloric/deliciousness/nauseau-avoidance characteristics of the current titans of the local dollar menu – the Beefy Crunch Burrito and the McDouble at McDonalds.)
The Top Five Songs That Happen To Mention Taco Bell (One of Which Is Beyond Terrible, so Like the Top Four (Really Three))
5. ”Cry Just A Little” – Bingo Players
Okay, technically they never mention Taco Bell, but there is some reference to Ibiza, which I think has a bunch of Taco Bells. (What’s the deal with Ibiza anyway? It’s mentioned in like every rap song these days.) So instead of an Eminem song about murder subtly titled “Murder” I went with a video of a hot chick doing hot chick stuff after she decides that her job sucks. Also, the song is cool and I need to get some benefit out of my exposure to Sirius channel 51. I briefly considered Penguin Prison, then went to look at the video and – I swear to God – it was a f*cking Occupy Wall Street thing! F*ck that sh*t, I was probably close to being effigied in that video (don’t know if effigy can be used as a verb, spellcheck does not like).
4. ”Gone” – Kanye West
This one is a little problematic in that Kanye drops what seems like a nice T-Bell reference in a pretty sweet song, but then immediately fouls it up by referencing his friend getting fired for stealing churros. In my fairly extensive personal history with The Bell, I’ve never known them to serve churros – and I was there during the shredded beef enchilada rollout of 1985 (caution: boiling bags of beef may be warm to the touch.)
3. ”Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell” – Das Racist
The YUM Brands double shout-out! Unfortunately for the splendidly-named Das Racist, this may be the worst song anyone has ever heard. Ever. (I read a story about a prop bet in poker where the loser had to listen to this song on repeat for a month; seems like chemical castration might’ve been more humane.)
2. ”Glamorous” – Fergie
Fergie spares us the meth and keeps it real with that raw-as-hell drive through experience. Bonus props for also using spelling in this song! I love educational songs. Props for the sweet Mustang, but negative props for failing to bring “flossy” into the general lexicon. (General Lexicon sounds like the possible villain in the Superman reboot.)
1. ”My Posse’s On Broadway” – Sir Mixalot
Before he became kind of a novelty rapper, Sir Mix-A-Lot was pretty well-respected MC, purveyor of mink coats and f*cking liar for making Seattle look anything other than dreadful. Extra credit here for actually going to a real Taco Bell, even though it was closed. The most impressive part of this video and song? That Kid Sensation dropped a twenty, and didn’t even miss it.
Back to work on that other post,
Chilly17
Cars I’ve Owned: 2010 Ford Escape
I recently had the displeasure of driving to Dallas to pick up my new ride, as driving one-way rentals all over the f*cking planet had become a little cost-prohibitive, even for a high-flying 1%er like myself. Helpful hint for Dallas drivers: there is actually a full spectrum of pressures you can apply to the gas/brake pedals other than “stomp/slam.” Another note for Dallas drivers – if you are going to have a fender/bender at 6:30 PM, move your pieces of sh*t over to the side of the road, rather than have like 300,000 people go 3 mph for 75 minutes while you assess the $30 damage to your bumper. Also, state of Oklahoma – finish some of your f*cking construction! Your whole godforsaken state is coned up!
Interestingly, I did roughly the same amount of research in buying the world’s least threatening SUV as I did in buying my 911 almost five years earlier. F*cking internet…too much information to process – if you are thinking of buying a Ford Escape, feel free to contact me, I’ve got the market wired from Maine to San Diego. This is my first ever SUV or truck-type vehicle, and, so far – I kind of love it. It’s comfortable, I don’t have to worry about scraping the bumper all the damn time, it can transport more than two human-sized adults, but yet is too small for someone to ask me to move some furniture or other crap for them. Plus, it’s got satellite radio for some unknown reason (who’s paying $17/month for radio? F-to-the-uck that) and it is sweet hearing UTFO on the radio – I always loved how Full Force would show up on UTFO songs in some kind of participating understudy deal. (Although, if memory serves, I did see Full Force stand alone at the Fresh Festival in 1986 – might’ve been the LA Dream Team, though.)
Also, the Escape has an electric sunroof, meaning that I have completed the career grand slam of roof types; now I know how Federer felt when he finally won the French. (FYI – I don’t consider those after-market sunroofs that were popular for like a month in the early 80s to be a viable option, they were effectively just a hole cut in your roof covered with a small slab of plexiglass and sealed with 3-4 inches of rubber that protruded well above the glass part. After disfiguring your vehicle, you could then pop up the sunroof roughly one inch. Never had that kind of roof. I’m also not distinguishing between hardtop convertible and regular convertible – hardtop looks quite stupid when on, when off they look the same, so I’m lumping together.)
The Grand Slam of Roof Options for a Vehicle
- Coupe (ie no holes in roof or means of removing the roof temporarily): Ford Mustangs, Cutlass Supreme
- Cloth Sunroof (this is like the Masters or the French Open of roof options, by far the toughest to nail down): Renault Fuego
- Electric Sunroof (what’s a moonroof then?): Ford Escape
- Targa Top (if you need a tool kit, it’s probably not taking the targa part off): Chevrolet Corvette
- T-Tops (looks pretty stupid when the tops are off, but de rigueur in the 80s): Datsun 280ZX
- Convertible (can come off a little Californication-y) : Porsche 911
2010 Ford Escape, 2011 – present
Discriminating soccer moms are not impressed
Coolness: 4 (Not embarrassing, but doesn’t seem to really melt any panties either)
Appropriateness for Awkward Romantic Manuevers: N/A (Nothing attempted thus far – when you live with your 82 year old mom you have a pretty wild life already)
Transmission: 9-Speed Automatic (probably only like five speeds, but I don’t really know what the difference is in an automatic anyway)
Stereo: CD/AM/FM/Sirius w/ Ford Sync (The Sirius is pretty cool and the Ford Sync stuff should be really cool – it’s supposed to read your texts to you! – but it actually only works well with like Motorola Razrs and Blackberry 1.0s. So it’s basically a pretty loud bluetooth headset, which is nice anyway since I’m deaf.)
Description: It’s like a truck, but with a backseat, and then an area behind that. It’s not hard to get into (unless you are 82), it gets good gas mileage and is blue. Also, it has tires.
Later,
Chilly17
If Life Is Like The Star Wars Saga, I’m Apparently In The Empire Stage
Posted by: chilly17 in Daily Grind on January 3rd, 2012
Fuck midichlorians, my version of the force is more of a three-legged stool of awesomeness.
2011 was not a great time in Chillyville; I’m hoping this is just the critically (lauded and) important second stage of my adulthood where personal crises will eventually lead to victory parades and medals and shit. Like a Jedi-in-training, I find myself in unfamiliar environs dealing with issues (including the loss of extremities) that I’m currently ill-prepared for – I’m probably gonna find myself sleeping in the entrails of a tauntaun soon. The key difference between my situation and Empire is that, when living with an 82 year old lady, average room temperature in the house more closely approximates the surface of the sun than the ice planet Hoth.
Anyway, the only nugget I have gleaned here is: if you ever find yourself living in such a way that you have little to no responsibility, and just get to do whatever the fuck you choose pretty much all the time, don’t put yourself in a position where you suddenly have multiple responsibilities to multiple parties. Because, you will find that responsibility is quite a shock to the system after years of boozing/tv for like six hours a night. Such a shock that even jugs of Yellow Tail might lose much of their morale-boosting power.
Anyway, I feel that the dawn of 2012 is gonna start melting the proverbial carbonite (I have chosen to mix my metaphor). I have some ideas to turn that frown upside down (and maybe start generating some positive cash flow?) and might even detail my progress here for my seven faithful readers (and the thirteen other slutty ones). I have tried to take some time and figure out what I really want to try and accomplish, as to this point my trogging effort has been haphazard and sluggish at best. There’s still about 439 things I think I would be great at, but unfortunately, my only proven expertise remains playing foosball, giving nicknames, and getting large groups of people to walk pretty far for lunch (all difficult to monetize). (One positive note: two buddies and I totally had the idea for a Netflix-for-ties about a year ago, an idea that Taco recently appropriated on The League (a program that has grown on me). So there’s that – but kudos to Taco for calling it Neckflix, nice touch.)
Advances in Hospital Technology (Probably an ISRG product)
One thing that I did not know until recently – now, at select hospitals, when you go to the surgery waiting room they give you one of those vibrating polygonal light things like you get at fine restaurants like Olive Garden or Red Lobster. I think our Pavlovian response to these buzzers is probably pretty positive since the buzzing/flashing light is usually followed by the consumption of 14 cheese biscuits. The ones for surgeries are a little more sophisticated, of course – they have two lines of LCD text like an old school blackberry, and give updates like “surgery has started” and “surgery completed, patient did well and is in recovery room.” Seems like there would be some drawbacks to this device, though, if shit is going downhill – does it just say “patient died” if somebody expires on the table? Spares the doctor a trip to the waiting room? Maybe they should let some third party narrate the events XBox 360 style? ”Homeboy bleedin out!”? In five years they’ll probably just text you, so you’ll be free to hang out wherever you want while sweating out the surgery.
Later – much more coming soon, including a new entry in the Cars I’ve Owned: A Visual History series,
Chilly17
