As a way of giving a little something back, I will occasionally offer some simple tips for how to do things, so that the world will be a more efficient, less annoying place. Given my penchant for burritos, I have noticed some sub-optimal ordering practices as I visit the Qdobas, Chipotles and (if heaven would only grant them in NYC) Anna’s Taqueria’s of the world.
Speaking of Anna’s, my love for it/her/them is well-documented by anyone who has ever had the misfortune of having an actual conversation with me. Two years ago, when I went back to Boston for B-school recruiting, I realized they had put an Anna’s in at the Dome area of MIT. Good lord – if that had existed when I went there I probably would have actually gotten my “daily trips to Anna’s” over 2.0x (instead I settled for a measly 1.87x). We landed in Boston pretty early, like 9:00 AM and I had the cab take me directly to Anna’s. We were interviewing in our offices in Boston, where I would have access to a refrigerator. I ordered six chili verde supper burritos – double meat, double cheese, no beans, no salsa, extra hot sauce. Damn, I wish I was in Porter Square right now. So I have these five huge foil-wrapped logs in my briefcase for the flight back – which led to quite a bit of attention from security, as apparently foil logs scream narcotics more than pork in green sauce. After three rectal exams, I was confirmed to be balloon-free and allowed to go. Worth it? Of course, even reheated those were deeeelish.
Also, So You Think You Can Dance is back. In probably the gheyest sentence I have ever committed to electrons, this show is a must watch (particularly given summer programming lameness). I hate Dancing With The Stars, but this show is quite a bit different. See, they aren’t (seventh tier) stars, they are wannabe dancers. It’s pretty interesting watching people who yearn for a career where you make, what, $40k/year? Sure, the winner of the show gets a little scratch ($250k, or $1200 after taxes), but this isn’t really the ticket to fame and fortune. It might be the ticket to being a backup dancer for Ricky Martin. There’s usually a couple of human interest stories, but that’s not really the draw, either. The choreographers make the competition aspect challenging and compelling while the judges are funny, informative and are actually trying to be helpful instead of just firing off venomous bon mots. Just try it, there’s another one of the audition shows tonight – if you hate it leave me a comment telling me I’m an idiot. /ghey
How To Eat at a Fast Casual Mexican Restaurant
1. Walking in the door and getting in line
I should have covered this in my “How to Enter Things” primer, because there seems to be a lot of confusion on how to go about this. Let’s look at this decision-tree style:
- Do you know EXACTLY what you are going to order? If so, proceed directly to The Line.
- Have you been to this establishment before and become familiar with their offerings? But do you also like to vary your order every time, instead of getting, say, a chicken pesto burrito every time? If you need less than 30 seconds to confirm what you want, get into The Line if there is greater than a 30 second wait. If there is a very short or no line, stand just to the side of the ordering line, ready to jump in when you make up your dumbass mind, but don’t impede the progress of those people in the category above, who know exactly what they want (a chicken pesto burrito, for example).
- Have you never been to this establishment, or possibly any eating type place before? Are you completely fucking stymied by the enormity of the task before you? Is your first impulse to walk directly to the front of The Line and then stand there for 17 minutes, scanning/squinting at the menu while mumbling to yourself and preventing others from passing your fat ass? If so, ask for a to-go menu, then go outside. Peruse to your heart’s fucking content. Only return to the restaurant when you fit clearly into the FIRST category above. Thanks.
Knowing what you want to order is only about 1/8th of the battle here. These places allow you a freedom of choice not often seen at any type of restaurant – you have a say in basically everything that goes into your burrito/bowl/taco. This is a huge responsibility for even the savviest of us; for morons it’s much more curse than blessing. From step one, you should be able to answer the most basic question involved in the order. Say for example, you’ve spent your time wisely and have decided on a carnitas burrito. You utter those magic words to the kind gentleman standing at the steaming device, and you’re on your way to getting some food. But big decisions loom. The first ones involve your preferences for beans and/or rice. Then they’ll drop your carnitas on. Then it gets massively confusing for most people.
Once you get past the protein, beans/rice stage it gets kind of frantic. They will try to slop all kinds of shit on your ‘to. DO NOT STAND FOR THIS. You control the pace of the process – this isn’t The Biggest Loser (your burrito is tipping the scales at 980 calories), and those burristas aren’t trainers pushing you to go ever faster, faster. You have to be vigilant, loud and direct – NO FUCKING PICO! (Given that I hate tomatoes and I hate onions, pico de gallo is the Dr. Doom of my edible rogue’s gallery) I’m not suggesting you be too slow and cause a pileup, but in my vast experience I know that having them screw your food up will result in a start over which really fucks up The Line. Couple of things: one, guacamole is always extra, don’t bitch about it, that’s a fact, it’s been that way forever; and two, don’t put your hands over the sneeze guard to point at what you want. Do you really need to touch the sour cream to indicate that you’d enjoy having some on your burrito?
In a nutshell: take control of the ordering process, be attentive and proceed apace. Keep The Line moving. Keep your hands to yourself. Guac extra, okay?
3. Paying for your order
This is pretty self explanatory. Errors here are pretty rare – know where you stand on drinks, chips and if you want one of those brownies that I’m pretty sure have been sitting there for eight months. I’d go with no to the latter. Yes, they accept credit cards (and seem to prefer them). Interestingly, the way downtown NYC Chipotle changed all their prices a couple of years ago so that everything was an even dollar amount after tax. During their uber-crowded lunch rush, they calculated that not digging around for coins would let them squeeze out 2-3 more customers per hour.
4. Sitting down and eating
A couple of points of etiquette here: if you are walking in and there’s a huge line, don’t be a fucking douchebag and put your purse, bag, whatever down to “claim” an open seat. There’s a natural flow to The Line, getting a seat ahead of time screws up this flow and is akin to someone from the future meeting their present self – the result could be catastrophic. Also, it’s okay to take a bottle of Chipotle Tabasco to your seat, but if someone else asks for it, you need to surrender it freely. It’s a community, after all.
Enjoy your meal. Then get out. You see The Line? Those people need somewhere to sit, go somewhere else to discuss how hard you rocked Tenjune last night. And don’t throw the baskets away – they have to reuse those.