Search Engine Mishmash

Search Engine Mishmash

One of the benefits of running your own website is you get tons of interesting stats to peruse – who’s reading your site, at what times, on what operating system, using what browser, etc.  That’s how I know I have so many peeps in Scandinavia (hi, Jack!) and attract so few Sun Solaris users.  The search engine queries are most interesting, as well.  Without question, the vast majority of people who find this site from Google or whatnot are here looking for candy-related content.  My Candy Bar Manifesto apparently struck a chord – like Ricky Gervais, one of my earliest efforts may mark my legacy.  I imagine the average person expecting a candy-focused website is quite disappointed with the poo-poo platter of Sriracha-drizzled nonsense found here (almost) daily.

In the last few days, however, my celebrity focused search engine traffic has really taken off given some more mainstream topics.  Initially the biggest source of search engine traffic , by far, in the universe was Dennis Bolze.  You are probably asking, “Don’t you mean Dennis Bove, the cinematographer of the riveting 2005 documentary The Sponge Divers of Tarpon Springs?”  No, I mean Dennis Bolze, a third-tier Ponzi mastermind from Tennessee, who once pretended to have won $100 million in the lottery and suckered a bunch of Europeans out of their dough.  Apparently Dennis has disappeared from the headlines since his arrest and some folks scrounging for any scrap of info on the guy have stumbled upon my website (no pun intended) after a tangential mention in the Marc Dreier piece.

But Dennis’ massive starpower has recently been eclipsed here by more traditional media stars.  This site is becoming a virtual reflection of society’s tastes, interests and hygiene routines.  So to appease my myriad advertisers, I’ve made an effort to tie all this unimportant stuff together to ease the search engine newcomers into the wpz universe.  How would our biggest search engine draws respond to the question “what’s the greatest candy of all time?”


Fuck the candy bars, can I get my money back for Hancock?
Fuck the candy bars, can I get my money back for Hancock?


Will Smith:  I’d like to say that every candy bar is delicious in its own right, and I’ve worked very hard to position myself to enjoy a variety of such candy bars.  I’ll need to conduct extensive research with my marketing team to determine what the least offensive, most congenial candy bar is before I’m able to adequately answer.  I prefer to hold off answering until I’ve had time to carefully consider all the facts and am promoting Hancock 2: This One Doesn’t Make Sense Either.

Translation: Hershey Bar.  Not the kind with almonds, either.  Some key demographics have high rates of nut allergies, you don’t want to ostracize them.


The swindler in happier times
The swindler in happier times


Dennis Bolze:  I’m pretty partial to Chick-O-Sticks.  I remember sodomizing a sixth grader with one when I was in eighth grade.  It was the best candy I ever had.

Translation: This sounds like either prison wishful thinking or one too many viewings of Your Friends & Neighbors.  Fuck it, chalk Dennis up for a Chick-O-Stick.  Those things are horrid, though.


"Toffifay, toffifay, hazelnut, caramel and chocolate all three"
"Toffifay, toffifay, my, my, my, my, my, my Toffifay"

Lady Gaga: In a world riddled with horrific problems from famine to vaginal mutilation to the massive pants surplus, how can I neglect my art for even one moment to ponder such an inconsequential issue as candy?

Translation: Toffifay.  “Poker Face” was originally a jingle for Toffifay.



Ironically, I cannot really blame it on the alcohol since I'm only drinking champagne
Huh, I guess he really can blame it on the alcohol

Jamie Foxx:  This sounds like it could be a hit song idea – throw in some autotuner, T-Pain…

“Claim that Snickers make your middle thicker,

claim that kit kat make your ass fat,

Three Musketeers give ya big rears,

But not in mod-er-a-a-a-a-ation”

Yeah, that’s sounds good, get Breyon on the phone….

Translation: No idea.  Seems like a Zagnut fan, though, if I were pressed for an answer.



OK, I'll admit, I'm not well-versed in their work.  But they fill a key demographic
OK, I'll admit, I'm not well-versed in their work. But they are part of a key audience demographic


Lissi Dancefloor Disaster:  At Uppsala University, we would sometimes enjoy some Ahlgren’s Bilar.

Translation: First ever vote for Ahlgren’s Bilar (Swedish chewy candy cars).  Crazy Swedes – who eats candy cars?


This post worked a lot better when I was conceptualizing it on the treadmill, but I’m far too lazy to hit delete and start over.  The joys of running your own show – you also run the quality control department!




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