The Case Against: Goatees

The Case Against: Goatees



I just spent a few days down South; please allow me to make a couple of observations.  First, there are way too many 19 year old couples with two kids roaming the aisles at Wal-Mart.  I suppose I’m pretty contrarian on the whole “our most important contribution to the world is procreation” notion anyway, but having a bunch of kids before you’re old enough to have legally sampled all the Boone’s Farm varietals??  Seems idiotic to me.  At least give yourself a chance before loading up the balance sheet of life with liabilities – the Fed isn’t gonna rescue you.  Second, what’s with all the fucking tats and goatees?  I won’t even go into the tattoos at this point, at least there’s some prospect of covering that shit up.  (Unless you’re the guy I saw in the Miami airport a couple of years ago with your entire face tattooed and those very distinguished bolts you had implanted in your forehead.  You are screwed – Old Navy is probably off limits for you forever.  You are destined to seek out stores with “Dungeon” or “Lair” in their names for all your shopping needs.)
I somewhat understand the desire for facial hair – at the Academy we were pretty limited in what we could do, so we expressed ourselves by pushing the limits with our sideburns (this may sound lame but at a military academy it was pretty fucking anarchic).  Lower and lower, bushier and bushier they went, until you ran into some fucking Marine Lieutenant who gave you a bunch of shit about it and made you shave them.  So I kind of get it.  But lets be honest: goatees look fucking stupid (with a couple of exceptions noted below).  They just aren’t cool.  They look like the unfortunate byproduct of canine alopecia, oral sex and maple syrup.
In fact, goatees are almost certainly the mustaches of our generation.  You know how people have mustache contests now to be ironic?  Goatee contests are just down the road, trust me.  Shave that shit; people might even start to take you seriously.  And soul patches, “flava savas”, etc?  C’mon, unless you are in a hillbilly sodomist banjo band, please shave that shit, too.  For those of you who are concerned we won’t be able to identify hipster douchebags if all the ironic facial hair gets shaved, do not worry.  There will always be fedoras and wallet chains.
We all know shaving sucks, it’s the worst five minutes of my day (although I only shave about every three days now).  But a goatee actually requires more work, as there’s some artsmanship that goes into it.  Stubble is fine – it tells the world “fuck off, I’m doing what I want, when I want.”  Shaving sucks – don’t pour more effort into it than necessary just to maintain the conical disaster on your chin.  Either go full Hirsute Honeys or go full Brazilian; goatees are too bipartisan, pick a side.  
Speaking of shaving: hey Gillette, I’m onto you.  The Fusion is no better than the Sensor, and yet every time you come up with a new shaving “advance,” I run out and buy the new model.  (Except for that vibrating shit, that seems more something for the ladies and frankly a little dangerous.)  A billion dollars in R&D my ass, it’s like “add another blade, rename the lubri-strip the dermigel strip, change the packaging to something red and call it the Gillette Contour.”  I’m gonna stock up on Sensors for life.


There are only a few types of people who should be wearing goatees


1.  Badasses with Shaved Heads  


Killing vampires a plus
Sword, shades also contribute to the look



2.  Magicians


Looks best on evil magicians
Looks best on evil magicians



3.  Flabby, Middle-aged White Guys with Weak Chins 


Gang signs add to the mystique
There's little hope either way



Sure, there are possibly other exceptions – a huge birthmark on your chin or a hideous collection of moles, maybe – but this is basically it.  Go ahead and shave – most likely with an expensive Gillette product.   


Enjoy the weekend,


25 thoughts on “The Case Against: Goatees

  1. I may have lost a girlfriend to a hirsute one in the days of you’re, but your off base about the jealousy. I find yore comment presumptious – I love goateed people, they are hilarious and have a lot of information about rental car companies.

  2. well, as a woman. i agree with some of what you say, and disagree with others. the biggest thing i agree with, is the badass comment. i love a big bald man with a goatee. i also love tattoos.
    while i don’t think you’re really jealous, i think your are closed minded, judgmental and rude. i think you’re probably one of those if you’re not like me your nothing folks. CONFORMITY KILLS.

  3. What up, Kimi? Not really all that judgmental, the fact is that goatees look ridiculous on 99% of the people that sport them – if you don’t believe me, head down to Arkansas and check out a few Best Buy employees…rude? I prefer straightforward…

  4. I’d like to add a type of Guy to have a goatee.
    4….youth pastors. They all have one. Seriously, check out some church websites and I guarantee all of those assholes have one. They all play acoustic guitar, too. But I suppose you could categorize them under flabby middle-age white guys or magician.

  5. That’s a f*cking great point…i think short-sleeved button down shirts are key fashion points with that crew as well

  6. Chuck Todd has a goatee – every time I see him on TV I want to punch him in the face; for no other reason. Goatees are stupid, but so are you chilly17. You are way into fashion and the way other people look. That makes you a choad.

  7. I didn’t know who Chuck Todd was, Tickle – i hate you for making me check out that dipshit’s goatee…but it’s okay since you also gave me a nice compliment (I am not sure, but I assume choad is a compliment, right?)

  8. amen. goatees are incredibly unattractive.unless it’s 1998 and you’re sugar ray.and to the comment about losing your girlfriend……..uhhhh do you know what a girlfriendbis? is a woman….like…a girl….who you hang out with..and get this….you have sex with her!!!!

  9. Thanks, Davi, I forgot how up in arms some folks got about the Goatee post…some people are defensive about their foolish-looking facial hair.

  10. I agree with the original poster. With few exceptions — like Richard Branson and Larry Ellison — that is, real iconoclasts – most men who sport goatees do so in a desperate effort to be sexy and more appealing to women. Notice the plethora of male alumn from the Bachelor franchise who suddenly sport goatees in their bid to be sex symbols.

    Nothing screams douche more loudly than a goatee. Essentially a goatee is public hair on the face. On most men, It looks low class, douche, and desperate.

    Church Todd sports a goatee.– presumably to communicate intellectual gravitas. The reality is, Chuck Todd is hideously ugly and has no business being on television. He got his network gig after appearing on CSpan repeatedly as a correspondent.

    He is not an intellectual giant insomuch as he is a rather homely uncharismatic bore. The goatee makes him stand out, but as a sore thumb.

    There are very few men who look better with a goatee. Most look like douches, desperate douches trying to get laid.

    Goatees are for men what exposed cleavage is for women — a desperate bid for attention (usually of a sexual nature) when other talents fail. To me, goatees also communicate degeneracy.

    Few men of any distinction were them. Most are red necks or just plain desperate pseudo macho men trying too hard to be sexy and to get laid.

  11. I very much agree with your comments, with the exception of the bit about cleavage. Showing cleavage is just being considerate – I file it more under “good manners”.

  12. I fail to see how facial hair can make someone a douchebag or even look like a douchebag. I’ve met people who look fine and are complete a holes. This is the equivalent to a woman saying “that girl looks stupidaan slutty in heels”… who cares?!?! Fashion is what it is.. just a look. Personality has nothing to do with facial hair.

  13. No – it’s science. Goatees are indicative of a genetic predisposition for douchebagginess. Some of my best friends have goats, soul patches and the like – but they understand the social implications.

  14. Chilly , goatees look awesome . You must be an effeminate mama’s boy who takes it in the ass.

  15. People who have gootees are lower on the food chain, have lower than average intelligence, work as labourers, have lower than average incomes, are womanizers, have low morals, drive pick up trucks (if they can afford one) and live in trailer parks.

  16. Men with gootees are more likely to have a criminal record compared to normal people and probably belong to a motor cycle gang. Women don’t like men with gootees because….can you imagine kissing that thing….EEEWWW. Men with gootees are not trustworthy. They irresponsible, unreliable and are only good at repetitive tasks like factory work or working in a junk yard. Gootees are a desperate attempt by a man to bolster his sex appeal…….come on….no one really like looking at that thing!! They should seek counseling because they have a poor self image and low self esteem. Men with gootees have not likely completed high school.

  17. I don’t carry a sword, but I’ve been shaving my head since I was 19 and wearing a goatee since my early 20s. I’m about to turn 43. Ditched the soul patch in my mid 20s. Just a clean goatee…nothing too fancy.

  18. Goatees are waaaaaaaaaaaaay overdone…seems like every other guy on the planet has one. It’s like like these idiots think, “oooh! wow, gee, I wonder what I would look like with one?!” Here’s your look like an A S S H O L E!

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