10 Google Searches That Will Give You Zero Results

10 Google Searches That Will Give You Zero Results

Wow – It appears that the financial powers-that-be are working you bastards like dogs, post-Labor Day.  (Don’t forget to put away those white capris!)  As of 11:00 AM today I had only about 20 hits, much lower than normal.  My first thought was “how am I gonna pay the fucking bills with traffic down so much!” but then I recalled that I don’t actually receive monetary compensation for this website.  It’s more just the satisfaction of a job mediocrely done.  But then things recovered later in the day, and I cringed thinking about the let’s-cram-300-meetings-in-before-year-end bustle of Wall Street in autumn.

Anyhoo, we were out last week talking to a friend who’s been commissioned to write a novel of the romantic persuasion.  I offered to pose for the cover, just in case the target audience was bear-lovers.  Instead I got to weigh in on possible pseudonyms (Clarice Bodington-Ramirez will certainly sell a lot of books) and talk about the creation of vibrant literary-type worlds.   Given my extremely narrow world view, I of course offered up The Wire as an example of storytelling genius.  The prospective author had seen The Wire but hadn’t been hooked.  I offered that “I don’t like The Wire” would result in zero hits if typed into Google or any respectable search engine.  (Bing, don’t think I don’t know you’ve been fucking me over.)  Much to my dismay, that’s not the case!  There are results for that, although three of them are from d-bags and the others are weirdos saying they “don’t like the wire underwear from the bondage shop.”

My knees were weakened a little bit by this – are the words of that old anonymous philosopher (or drunk – I’m not sure, I didn’t take the time to look it up) correct?  Are there no more original thoughts?  And has everything been recorded for posterity by the faceless servers of the world?  To bolster my confidence, I started by searching “Dina Lohan is riding a white rhinoceros, reading wastedpotentialz.com (via Sprint PCS wireless card) and humming the lyrics to The Golden Girls, while simultaneously drinking a grapefruit Izze.”  Nada.  Bingo – a completely original thought.

I had to confirm a few other things.

10 Google Searches That Will Give You Zero Results

1.  “America’s most popular anal darkening technique”

2.  “Where can I get a hairstyle like Jon Gosselin’s?”

3.  “The Big Ten doesn’t blow donkeys”

4.  “There was way too much Basterds in Inglorious Bastards, should’ve focused more on the girl and the villain”

5.  “The Grey’s Anatomy video game, just what I wanted!”

This exists
This exists

6.  “Robert Kardashian must be extremely proud of his talented daughters”

7.  “I really wish there was more coverage of Brett Favre in the media”

8.  “Recent results have clearly proven the Big Ten superior to the SEC”

9.  “Needs more Shia”

10.  “My girlfriend’s breasts are just too big”

Always remember to Alt+Tab discretely during the dog days of autumn,


2 thoughts on “10 Google Searches That Will Give You Zero Results

  1. Freaking hilarious, Chilly. Yeah, this is my second post on your site- so what? You’ve got me hooked. Keep the laughs coming.

  2. Thanks, Sam, I’m blushing from the compliments. Feel free to throw in a “you fucking suck, Chilly” just to keep that internet vibe going.

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