I’m back. Sort of. Feel like I’ve lost that writing feeling. It’s like in Superman II where Clark loses his powers – but this would be more like if he was just kind of mediocre and then lost his power of mediocrity and became like below average – still similar though. Even the magical elixir (T-Bell+Yellow Tail+Idiotic Television) is not breaking the slump. Blah. Some stuff I’ve started working on sits, 30% complete, victim of my existential slump. Anyhoo, this shit ain’t goin to write itself, so I will dip my toe back into the pool with some fearful predictions. (My legs are too shaky to offer fearless predictions at this point.)
The Nine Year Old Who Plays Sally Draper on Mad Men Will Someday Win An Oscar - She’s phenomenal, maybe the best child actor I’ve ever seen. Her scene with Grandpa Gene this year were heartbreaking. She can bust out the convincing waterworks, too. Most kids are just hamming it up out there, but Sally has really been driving the at-home scenes this season much more than her parents. Hopefully Kiernan Shipka’s parents aren’t old friends with the Lohans.
Noted Fat-Ass Kloe Kardashian Will Be Pushing At Least Three Bills After Being Married To Lamar Odom For A Year – Sounds like a plot from The Drew Carey Show, she’s got a propensity for largeness and he’s addicted to candy. What could go wrong? All the (alleged) mary juana probably won’t help the binging situation any.
The Wall Street Pay Restrictions Will Cause A Lot Of Hand-Wringing And Muttering Under One’s Breath, But Won’t Really Change Shit – The financial crisis? That’s so 2000 and late – how about manning up and taking on some fucking risk? I smell some unenforceable clawback provisions and increased stock grant percentages (probably at a discount to market), nicely offset by substantial base pay raises. Rock on. I’m gettin back in once a Murcie is officially a standard perk for an average-to-below average VP.
If Whatever Bit Me Last Night Is, In Fact, A Bedbug, Then I’m Bailing To Bug-free Surroundings - I guess this is a conditional prediction. They’ve been spraying for the bastards in our building, but we’ve never had any, to my knowledge. But some microscopic fucking bug was on me last night – perhaps a a rebel group that’s built up immunity to the noxious spray? – and, while much smaller than the one depicted below, generally fit the bill. It was a bug, and it was in the bed. Even in BFArkansas, there aren’t bedbugs disturbing your sleep and contributing to your paranoia.
Shakira’s Flesh-Colored Bodysuit Look Will Not Sweep The Nation, Despite The Efforts Of Many Helpful SOs - Also, what kind of dancing is that? Werewolf funk? But major, major props for working “lycanthropy” into the lyrics. That’s fantastic. Good song, IMO.
One Of The Chicks From Real World: Cancun Will Be Arrested For A Significant Crime Within 5 Years - I’m betting on Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaiiiaiiaiiiii stabbing omeone in the eyeball, but there are also cases to be made for criminal insecurity, criminal sluttiness or criminal immaturity. And great job, Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaiiiaiiaiiiii, on at least making out with everyone in the house, despite everyone’s professed hatred of you. Kudos. Live long and do not procreate.
In An Effort To Minimize The Time It Takes To Have A Large Family They Cannot Afford, Someone In Arkansas Will Become Pregnant While Already Pregnant - In other places, people take pride in meaningless material things such as cars, houses, jobs, food but in Arkansas, having a massive brood is the most desirable accoutrement. But it’s hard to keep up with the Joneses, what with all that pesky “it takes a year til you can get pregnant again.” WAIT, WHAT??? THIS ALREADY HAPPENED?? I’m like fucking Nostradumbass. Unbelievable. Only in the ‘sas.
That wasn’t that hard….I guess I will work on my “Greatest Movie Of Our Time” post for tomorrow….