Lady Gaga: Hot or Horrendous?

Lady Gaga: Hot or Horrendous?

The phenomena that is Lady Gaga has taken the world by storm with her estimable philanthropic efforts, catchy tunes and indisputable talent.  Interestingly though, for someone who more often than not favors a thong and some stockings over actual pants, I have never heard any male mention wanting to partake in any kind of carnal activities with The Lady.  And I know some pretty disgusting people – the type of people who might hook up with a 63 year old hotel maid, or fantasize about a threesome with Mrs. Garrett and Natalie.  It’s a bit shocking, especially in the surprisingly superficial music biz, that someone who leans on her sexuality so much might actually be perceived as almost asexual.  Is Lady Gaga even good-looking?  A classic butterface?  Man in drag (allegedly)?  Let us explore…

First off, allow me to submit photo #1, below, as physical evidence.  If you have been a frequent visitor of this site, you’ve seen this photo before.  I’ve looked through thousands of LG photos, and this is the most flattering one available.  It appears to be from the photo shoot for the cover of first single “Just Dance” and it makes sense to put your best foot forward at the start of your march to global domination.  (I even turned off SafeSearch in my quest to accurately thoroughly evaluate LG’s looks.  Let’s just say that turning off SafeSearch forced me to sort through some LG-shots that won’t make the censorship cut at this family-friendly establishment.)

Not bad...
Off to a promising start...

Not bad, huh?  Probably has you leaning toward the hot side of the ledger, right?  Don’t be so quick to rush to judgment; as a pro bono “journalist,”  I have learned to look at any photograph with a jaundiced eye.  Photographers and subjects alike cannot seem to get enough of airbrushing, photoshopping, or whatnotting.  Let’s look at a quick example:  see below a popular picture of my feet, taken recently in Mexico.

Now, take a look at that same photo, after using a smidge of photoshop.  (Actually,  Not enough cash flow for name brand software, have to roll with the Scotch Buy.)

You see what I did there?  I simply added a new background, cropped out the drink, changed the perspective slightly to create the illusion of a cramp in my right foot, and voila!  Instead of my beautiful, if sandy, feet you are left with these unattractive hooves.  Look closely and you will see that the shadows remain the same – that’s often how you can detect lazy image manipulation.  So do not trust what you see, explicitly – unless what you see is explicit (and with SafeSearch off, you will see plenty).

Hotness/Horrendousness Analysis Criteria

  • Face:  27%
  • Body: 70%
  • Personality / Presentation: 3% (Personality is difficult to gauge for public figures that you have never met.  I use “Presentation” here to evaluate how we, the retarded public, are interpreting the signals they’re putting out there.  Art not science.)

Analysis: Gaga Face

Go ahead and scroll back up to that first picture, the “Let’s Dance” one.  First impressions are pretty meaningful, and my first thought of looking at that picture was “that’s a good-looking chick.”  Not a lot of distracting shit on her head/face, appears to be a straightforward attractive singer (although the “is she wearing pants?” issue definitely slows the initial evaluation process). is about more than a quick look about and a subsequent rush to judgment; I am here to provide penetrating insight and analysis on important topics that normal, employed people don’t have the time to directly evaluate themselves.  So take a look at this:

ummmm, what?
Ummmm, Donatella? Michelangelo?

Jebus, that is not a flattering photo.  Granted, those eyelash things aren’t helping but here she appears to treading pretty close to the “homely” line.  Let’s take another look at that noggin…

Little Red Riding Horrible...


Face Score: 3/10 (and that’s being generous)

Analysis: Gaga Body

Lady Gaga’s strategy has been both simple and two-pronged: 1) Wear little to nothing below the waist to draw attention away from her head, and 2) Wear some super-insane and elaborate headgear to further confuse the wandering eye that makes it that far north (the “modified purloined letter” approach to diversion).

Most people are familiar with Lady Gaga’s gluteal area, as she does little to cover it up.  The photo at the top (I hope it’s safe for work, pretty sure this was what she wore on SNL, so should be fine if it was on friggin national tv) should serve as an adequate reminder of her southern merits.  As the old axiom goes, “an exposed booty alone does not a body make”, so what else is Lady G working with?  Let’s take a gander back at her brunette days, which I think actually worked better for her, in an Ashlee-Simpson-pre-rhinoplasty kind of way.

,She would be a hit at Lilith Fair
She would be a hit at Lilith Fair

No Dolly/Jewel, for sure, but she makes up for any shortcomings by flaunting.  She does apparently get to the gym frequently, which is nice.  I think we can generally agree that she has a pretty solid body.  (And if she does happen to be a dude, please forget I said that.)

Body Score: 7/10 (extra points for being the Susan B. Anthony of the anti-pants movement)

Analysis: Personality/Presentation

The first time I ever saw Lady Gaga she was performing on So You Think You Can Dance.  It took me like two minutes to figure out what the hell was even going on, she was wearing some ice-covered glasses and an ice microphone and generally acting weird.  Since then she has taken her “I’m actually a performance artist” shtick to a new level, making public appearances wearing dresses made of bubbles or Kermit the Frog heads, or weird zipper masks that cover her entire face or huge sunglasses made out of live scorpions.  She’s pretty weird.

But, beyond just the no-pants thing, she’s advanced another cause that’s close to my heart: concentric circle fashion.  Until LG, only Marvel Comics’ character Havok really rocked the concentric look.  Before LG took up the cause, wearing concentric circle head and/or bodygear was largely frowned upon.  Even now it’s still not entirely acceptable – I think wearing a full body concentric ring suit has really had a negative impact on some recent job interviews.

Suitable for the gym, the club or high business casual events
Suitable for the gym, the club or even business casual events

Finally, in vogue
Finally, in vogue

Full business concentric
Full business concentric

She seems to have the intangibles, but much like Mike Singletary coaching the 49ers, we haven’t seen a lot of results yet.  I’m still gonna max her in this category, even though her zany antics/personality haven’t truly translated into an increased perception of hotness.

Personality / Presentation Score: 10/10

Conclusion:  5.7/10 overall.  Not hot, but a couple notches above horrendous – the mathematical analysis of the data proves the qualitative assumption once again.  She’s actually a pretty electric performer (watch the SNL clip if you disagree) and has clearly captured the nation’s imagination.  Pretty tough to accomplish as a singer when you aren’t hot.  (Try doing it with pants on though, amps up the difficulty level quite a bit).

That’s right, I posted something before start of bizness on Monday – it’s called a work ethic,


7 thoughts on “Lady Gaga: Hot or Horrendous?

  1. LG is not hot. There are plenty of 20 something chicks with similiar bodies walking the streets of Anytown USA. Her songs are good, but even Miley C can Auto-Tune her way to a hit single. I haven’t heard LG sing without enhancement – an unplugged version of one of her songs would prove her singing skills. She is a good performer, but its not sexy. Its kind of asexual and a bit scary – just like Madonna. I agree that we live in a world where nothing is as it seems – I bet she is a dude.

  2. Whoa there, Diddy, watch what you say about Madonna. Yeah, she’s disturbing now, but back in her plumper heydey she was pretty fine…I personally risked life and limb acquiring her initial Playboy appearance…

    As for Lady G, check out her SNL appearance where she’s just freestyling some shit while sitting at a piano…somehow captivating…

  3. Hmmm….didn’t do a lot for me, Flint, but I understand where you’re coming from….see, I can tell you’re a black male (your email gave it away)…you are suffering from PBVD (Post Beyonce Visual Disorder) – most black males, and a very high percentage of white males (excluding Canadians) suffer from this – it makes you think the last several chicks you’ve seen after Beyonce are hotter than they actually are…

    To counter the effects of PBVD and evaluate the LG cameo objectively, I drank a Tim Horton’s coffee and had hockey on in the background while watching the vid…Gaga brought some fug – “Bad Romance” video did more for me, but it was veering toward pronographic…

  4. You know I trust your opinion chilly. So I tried your advice. I went to your favorite website I threw on an Ed Hardy t-shirt, downloaded some indie music on i-tunes for background (BTW who are these strokes guys anyway?), and drank a glass of wine and you know what…..LG did drop a couple of notches.

    That said….I’d still hit it.

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