It is frigid in NYC right now – 26 degrees at 11:30 AM. Awesome. And, I’m on a two week drinking sabbatical due to some recent fatassness issues, so I can’t even find solace in a jug of Yellow Tail. The life that so recently was one to brag about has become one in which I’m shivering, wearing a sweatshirt indoors and sipping a diet coke with lime. Nothing to brag about here now, but that’s a fucking tailor-made segue into some 2009 things that could’ve been good/great (potential) but instead managed to suck (wasted).
A Lot of Wasted Potential(z)
1. Celebrity sex scandals not involving Sofia Vergara
It is not a shocking conceit to me that famous, wealthy men will have extramarital affairs. It is shocking to me that the objects of their affections will be fatnormous interns, perkins waitresses or average vegas hobags. Gentleman (and for discretion’s sake I’m not naming names here), take a good look at the lady above. That’s who/what you should be striving for – make the world a better place for everyone if we’re going to have to look at pictures plastered all over the place.
2. Yellow Tail pinot noir – I love Yellow Tail, I love pinot noir, but I do not love Yellow Tail pinot noir. Sure, it has some nice tanins and a crisp bouqet, but it lacks the intricate taste (oaky with a hint of sriracha) and delicate finish of my favorite Yellow Tail varietal, purple. The pinot also disappointed when paired with a variety of tapas (Andy Capp’s hot fries, velveeta cheese and some starbursts). All purple, all the time from here on out.
3. Billy’s Bakery peanut butter chocolate pie
Should be labeled “peanut butter chocolate pie concentrate” with very specific health warnings regarding eating it undiluted. Parsing out the main ingredients, peanut putter chocolate pie sounds like it should be a big, fat Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg in a graham cracker crust. While it looks delicious, at our Thanksgiving gathering, no one could muster more than a sporkful without sending blood sugar levels skyrocketing to life-threatening levels. I’m pretty sure I got diabetes from it. Also, not so delicious.
4. FlashForward – A road I’ve been down several times before: cool, thought-provoking concept, strong cast (on paper) from a network that allegedly (Lost) knows how to pull these things off. The execution has been terrible, with too much focus on meaningless (in the grand scheme of things) sentimentality, ham-handed acting – particularly from the simian Joseph Fiennes – and a boring progression of the story.
Could also have reiterated other once-promising shows that devolved into suck (Weeds, Californication, Entourage) or the abortion that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
5. Trying to watch Drag Me To Hell with drunk person who dislikes scary movies
Lessons learned: Do not fall for it when a drunk person or SO, desirous of watching Year One (15% fresh), attempts to use reverse psychology by agreeing to watch your suggestion, the more lauded Drag Me To Hell (92% fresh). Right after pushing “purchase” she will then start ranting about how she hates scary movies and thought you’d pick Year One instead. And continue babbling throughout the movie. I do recall there was a lot of vomiting (in the movie, not from the drunk person). I need to watch this one again.
6. Blackberry Storm – It looked like Research In Motion had a good shot at chipping away some of the iPhone’s early lead in the smartphone market. The Storm looked cool, had a unique touchscreen keyboard with tactile feedback and had the benefit of the Verizon network. Too bad the keyboard didn’t work quite as well as advertised, the browser was clunky and slow to react and the ergonomic design of the phone was sorely lacking (unless you enjoy having the phone switch in and out of speaker as your ear touches it when trying to use it as a conventional phone device).
Supposedly SI columnist Peter King hated his Storm, and when fortunate enough to be sitting next to the head of the Storm development team at a Red Sox game, let him hear about it. Maybe they worked out some of the kinks for the Storm II, but I suspect that instead the Droid will be the smartphone of choice for Verizon. Swing and miss, RIM.
7. Arby’s gyro
Along the lines of the YT pinot paradox, I love some arby’s and I love some gyro. But, come on, arby’s – this isn’t a friggin gyro! It’s a roast beef pita! Sandwich type isn’t determined by the choice of bread; peanut butter and jelly on a tortilla isn’t suddenly a chicken burrito. Put a real gyro rotisserie up, arby’s, and then you’re on to something.
8. Eminem’s new album – Repetitive woe-is-me-I-have-addictions lyrics peppered with a bunch of three-years-too-late pop culture references. Felt like a particularly musty episode of Entourage. Em, it’s probably safe to move away from Mariah and Jessica Simpson as objects of your derision; maybe step up to some Taylor Swift hate. By the way, Mariah managed to cut you off at the knees with “Obsessed”; she could teach you a thing or two about retaliation.
9. Jamarcus Russell and the Pittsburgh Steelers (tie)
Jamarcus allegedly has as much physical talent as anyone in the NFL, but enjoys eating and drinking more than working at his craft. Translation: he sucks. Which hasn’t helped the development of my boy Darren McFadden, who I projected to be better than Adrian Peterson. Great prediction, Chilly.
Pittsburgh has lost to Cleveland, Oakland and Kansas CIty in the last month. Wow. Horrendous.
10. Breaking Dawn – The fourth installment of Stephanie Meyer’s unheralded Twilight series was a relative disappointment given the strong foundation she’d laid with the first three novels. The resolution of the multi-species love quintangle – Bella, the human; Edward, the vampire; Jakob, the werewolf; Darren, the zombie; Suesta, the mummy – was predictable and left the reader yearning for Jakob to finally find some requited love. The final battle with the emo ninja battalion was anticlimactic and had too many errors – it’s common knowledge that ninjas hate the pacific northwest in the fall and that a mummy can only take on three ninjas, max – to be taken seriously.
I believe my Twilight fanfic at twilightfanfic.com/chilly17/breakingpwn offers a more realistic resolution to this overlooked series.
Have a good weekend,