Thanksgiving was the time of year to reflect on our good health, great family and friends, and all that other stuff that we are thankful for. Now is the time to think of all the crappy stuff that we are pissed about. Time to air some grievances.
Things That Fucking Sucked in 2009
1. Reality television incentivizing idiots to do even stupider things than they were originally destined for. Bubble Boy, the famewhores who crashed the white house party, the Gosselin mess, Octomom. Ugh – truly a waste of energy to trash these fucking morons, and the many, many copycats out there just waiting to fill their shoes, as somehow fame has become more aspirational than money for people. (Of course, fame and money are pretty highly correlated in the day where wedding/baby shower photos from heretofore nobodies can be sold for six-seven figures).
I’m sure there always have been morons who would willingly sacrifice their parental responsibilities for longshot golden tickets, but we didn’t hear as much about them before the internet and the 24 hour media cycle. The prospect that poor, uneducated people are seeing these shows as a positive incentive to have a large family is particularly alarming (along the lines of the “pro athlete fallacy”). As a general rule, if you consider having a kid/kids/fertility injections a potential financial boon, then you probably should put that kid(s) up for adoption or neuter yourself with a rusty rake. You are an idiot and you fucking suck. Grievance aired.
2. Moronic viewers and tabloid readers somehow verifying reality “stars” as legitimate celebrities/people of interest, to the point where they evolve from US Weekly to having their own fucking network sitcom. How many reality stars have become legitimate actors? Maybe that girl who was on The Real World – Jacinda Barrett? Elizabeth Hasselbeck was on Survivor and is now a punchline on The View, but I guess that counts for working in show business in some capacity. Most everyone just ends up moving on down the reality TV spectrum, all the way to the petrie dish that is VH1 (I recall when it was mainly a station to watch Phil Collins’ videos).
Nicole fucking Richie is developing a sitcom for ABC. ABC, you are idiotic and you fucking suck. Same goes to us, the public, who somehow made it seem reasonable for some suit somewhere to say “you know who might be awesome in a sitcom about being a young mother? What’s the name of the dumber, whorier chick from The Simple Life? Nicole Richie – let’s get her!” We are idiots and fucking suck. Grievance aired.
3. Teams, like the University of Nebraska, that had a chance to make the college football season real interesting, but somehow managed to screw the pooch down the stretch with some improbable mistakes. For that matter, the Washington Redskins deserve recognition for their implausibly horrible crunch-time performance in that Saints game, too. Now, we all have to watch Texas get steamrolled by Alabama; it would have been fun seeing what TCU or Cincinatti could do. Teams that can’t finish and make things more interesting for the average sports fan: you suck big-time. Grievance aired.
Note: Mr. Ndamukong Suh – this does not apply to you and dear lord I hope you don’t take offense, particularly if we were to bump into one another while you are in town for the Heisman ceremony.
4. Bloggers that using too much bold when constructing lists. It just looks stupid. Idiots/suck/aired.
5. The financial community pretending the crisis of 2008 never happened way earlier than I predicted. This especially sucks because I thought most of my peers would be poor along with me; now it looks like bonuses are going to rebound to 2007 levels like it ain’t no thang. Now everyone’s moving on up the corporate ladder while I’m deleting Romanian spam. (Not just Romanian in that the people who are sending the spam are from Romania, it’s actually written in Romanian. That is a clever way to disguise one’s spam.)
I should’ve rushed back into the job market; I could’ve bought a Lamborghini with this years bonus. Instead, I’m sitting here wondering if I should splurge on a $5 foot long. Way to screw me out of a Murci – again! – Wall Street. You suck. Grievance aired. (Call me!)
6. My shitty genetics. The metabolism and spotty facial hair of a manatee, chronic high cholesterol despite a well-balanced diet (nacho cheese is surely somewhere in the food pyramid) and paralyzing calf cramps always looming. Dominant, recessive, it don’t matter – thanks a ton, mom and dad (and their moms and dads). Grievance aired.
7. Video games that looked compellingly awesome, but were far too complex to play unless you took them on as a full-time job. Now I understand the vacant looks my parents gave to those complex Atari 2600 games. Look at this game for example, it looks (and sounds) pretty awesome:
It appears to have it all right? Tight storyline, compelling villain, remarkably detailed graphics. To become facile at playing this would require me devoting roughly the same amount of time and effort as earning a masters degree in chemical engineering. Dammit, make it so I can shoot people easily! And don’t talk to me about a Wii – I already have a PS3 that just sits there, mocking me! Fuck you video game designers, you suck. Grievance aired.
8. Terrible movies that seemed like harmless plays on nostalgia but were actually brutal betrayals of fond childhood memories. I’ve said this like 800 times, so apologies for putting this one down again. But it really sucks that people go to see tripe like Transformers and GI Joe and are never exposed to awesomeness like The Hurt Locker. THL was a friggin action movie, yet it did the box office of a Jane Austen adaption done completely in mime. If you asked every single person in the world who saw both Transformers and The Hurt Locker which one they enjoyed more, I’m willing to bet that 100% of the people would prefer THL. Yet T:ROTF did over 30x the business.
JJ Abrams, do not bastardize Micronauts like this – I’m assuming the fact that they were only like 3% as popular as Transformers might help. But for Michael Bay and the rest of the rapers of childhood memories – you fucking suck, please make some movies that have a coherent plot and are not just excuses for loud, CGI-laden action sequences. Grievance aired (again).
9. Casinos plying their customers with delicious alcohol. I now realize that I have been taken advantage of, just like my boy Terrance Watanabe. I used to foolishly think that I was a dumbass for drinking too much and then gambling too much. But, as Terrance will prove in court, it’s the casino’s fault for letting me take out markers when hammered! Atlantis (and particularly that blackjack dealer who took severe offense at me (in jest) claiming to be doing “God’s work”) I’m coming for you! You better give me that $7k back that you stole from me.
And what’s up with the alcohol makers making it so delicious in the first place? Diageo, you suck, too. And Red Bull, you are pissing me off for the highly complementary (and complimentary in a casino – suck on that, homophone nazis!) flavor your product adds to a glass of vodka. This, combined with the (seemingly) communal fun of the craps table, is all clearly entrapment to take my cash! Fuck you casinos, Diageo, Red Bull makers and that dealer who hates me for claiming to do “God’s work”, you all suck and are stealing from some of our most solid citizens. Grievance aired.
10. wastedpotentialz.com. This website has not been the immediate stratospheric success I anticipated. Why not? Predictable internet writing style (mild profanity+self-deprecation-interesting topics/overuse of thesaurus+occasional mocking of audience/sprinkling of pop culture references*use of confusing mathematics symbols to illustrate points3). Lack of structure/focus and irregular posting haven’t really helped, either.
Grievance aired. However, I aver that I’m gonna work hard and improve this fucking site, no matter how stupid I am, even if I have to confabulate about Tiger Woods or Jersey Shore for like 2+1 straight weeks, you dumbasses.
Friday I will address the most wasted potential of 2009,