Jersey Shore: The Vending Machine Analogues

Jersey Shore: The Vending Machine Analogues


The Jersey Shore phenomenon continues unabated.  I’ve been asked to weigh in on its cultural significance, ie whether it reinforces negative stereotypes or gives our impressionable youth poor body images and such.  That would be all well and good if I had a sociological background or gave a shit about the youth.  Subjectively speaking, there is very little I feel qualified to weigh in on.  However, if an omniscient, objective being  – such as Google – were to categorize me as an expert (like, say, in candy or chips) then I might have something to say about this shit.


I’ve watched the show, I’ve eaten the food, let’s see who is like what.

Angelina / Microwave popcorn

Both come with plastic bags

Pros:  Convenient and quick (perfect for married guy on the go)

Cons:  Somewhat combustible and will be more impressed with itself than you’ll be, everyone will be happy when it’s over

Vinny / M&Ms

They are both adorable. Admit it

Pros:  Modest outward appearance belies the good times that lie ahead

Cons:  Lowered expectations might artificially enhance perception of delightfulness somewhat

Sammi / Dental Floss

Pretty lame

Pros:  Provides a basic utility

Cons:  Difficult to deal with, often results in bleeding, boring

Ronnie /  3 Musketeers

Truth in advertising

Pros:  Simple yet satisfying; you know what you’re gonna get

Cons:  Stumpy, and, at the center, whipped

J-WOWW /  Strawberry Pop-tarts

Two-sided tape companies are revising estimates upward

Pros:  Unexpectedly tasty, always a slightly better experience than you expected

Cons:  May contain artificial ingredients

Pauly D /  Funyuns

Just because they are ring-shaped doesn't mean you should fake propose to a crazy chick with them, Pauly D

Pros:  Literally bring the fun wherever they go, distinctive appearance announces the party is in full effect

Cons:  Surfaces of both funyuns and Pauly D’s noggin may cause abrasions or other damage

Snooki /  Cheetos Puffs

Not Snookie, but you know it easily could be. She'd probably make the cheetos oranger

Pros:  Strangely satisfying and comfortable once you get over your initial contempt

Cons:  Orange residue hard to scrub off

Mike /  TGIF Potato Skins

Great in concept, horrible in execution

Pros:  Elaborate product name/marketing suggests a winking self awareness; who doesn’t fucking love potato skins?

Cons:  Causes extremely bad breath and a slow realization that it was nowhere near as good as the hype (or the double red striped bag)

Jeebus, I swear to God a buddy of mine texted me while I was doing this and asked if I want to go to Foxwoods and drink with these guys this weekend.  After having successfully avoided a tempting AC trip with XMASHANGOVER this weekend.  How much strength can one man have?

And what the hell is wrong with this template?  The spacing keeps changing and is seriously pissing me off.  May have to change the look of this place a bit, can’t be wasting time with all this spacing nonsense.  Work, dammit!

Wasting potentially,


3 thoughts on “Jersey Shore: The Vending Machine Analogues

  1. I couldn’t agree more about the J-Woww comments. How long before she is in Playboy or maybe Hustler? Or maybe your favorite – Chilly – Juggs

  2. Wow! What a craptastic website she has

    I guess I need to start a website and sell crap as well. This guy already took my idea

    By the way, JWoww is pretty much your average girl off the street who decided to amp up her image by getting huge fake boobs. What’s the guy equivalent of getting huge fake boobs? I want to know where I can spend $10K and get an instant return on my social investment.

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