Shirley Manson’s words, not mine. (Speaking of Shirley – hey, Paul Shirley, you might want to pick your spots a little better for an anti-Haiti tirade. Poorly timed, D-bag.) After conducting some field research, I have come to the conclusion that most successful pundits are very opinionated. This is problematic for my candidacy for the simple reason that I just generally do not give enough of a fuck about stuff to form a reasoned opinion. All the good hot button crap – religion, politics, favorite Jonas Brother – I know nada about. Never really been to church. Could not make it through even five sentences of a recent Esquire article about Nancy Pelosi. Mostly don’t give a shit about stuff that doesn’t directly impact me.
This will not stand, however, if I want to be taken seriously in the world of saying stuff about stuff. Sure, I’ve got some opinions already, but they are mostly of the widely-held variety (Canadians suck, the French suck, French-Canadians really suck, the Mets suck, rhinos are cool, Taco Bell is cool, etc). Apparently I’m going to have to immerse myself in books, museums and culture in general to build a foundation of reason for the opinions to follow. I’m gonna start out slow, and gradually step up the pace, but some things are pretty self-evident.
Some Newly Minted Opinions:
1. There is really no need for IHOP to offer all you can eat pancakes. (How many people finish a full stack and are like “You know what I could really go for? More pancakes.”)
2. Wall Street 2 might be the worst fucking idea ever. (This trailer is even terribler than I could’ve imagined, bordering on the terriblest.)
3. Taylor Swift should turn her mike off and shut up when Stevie Nicks is also onstage. (Taylor, if you wanna grab Shia and take the next flight to Awaythefuckfromheresville, I’ll support your decision.)
4. The Pro Bowl is horrendous (widely-held opinion) and would be greatly improved if the players used avatars in a simulated game to completely eliminate risk of injury. (Not like the blue fuckers from that one movie about blue things and flying dinosaurs, but like an expanded Madden game where everyone (including the linemen) could play as themselves. Also, they could drink while playing. That would be at least a lot times more awesome than the current product. I could even put in a call to Goldschlager about being a sponsor.)
5. Garbage is/was a criminally underrated band. (And, yes, all you fuckers from Wisconsin, I’m aware they’re from Wisconsin (Shirley excepted) and that Wisconsin is also where The Onion started. We get it, Wisconsin is fantastic.)
6. I ran 102 miles in January. (Oops, that seems to be more of a fact than an opinion.)
7. I’m sick of people who claim they can’t stand mainstream music. (What do they do when their favorite band Bearscallion strikes it big? Delete all their songs? Trash the CDs and look for a new band that everyone hates?)
8. All legitimate tattoos include either a sword, a dragon, or both. (Anything else is just a lingering bad decision.)
9. Ellen Page is really channeling Jodie Foster. (With her inability to simulate chemistry with a male lead in anything other than a sardonic, disaffected way.)
10. Kourtney Kardashian is ultimately going to be the most successful of the Kardashian sisters. (I can definitely see her going to the Kennedy school and later becoming an ambassador or somesuch after realizing the shallow folly of being a pawn of the E! machine.)
I feel my credentials are improved already, after getting some of that stuff out on the table. VH1, give me a fucking call already. Let’s move past all this wasted potential rhetoric.