I am generally a few weeks late to analyze the latest viral sensation, largely because I – somewhat ironically – don’t watch many videos on the web. I particularly avoid fight videos (exception: anything labeled “naked supermodel catfight”). I live in New York, I’ve taken my share of subways and I’ve seen some reprehensible shit. (I saw a pregnant woman beat the the shit out of another woman for “pushing” her as she entered the subway. If you think you know how you’ll react to a pregnant woman punching some poor lady in the face and pulling her hair at 9:00 AM, trust me, you don’t). So I usually avoid all that “graphic subway fight” crap.
But I finally had a look at the “Epic Beard Man” video today, and there are clearly some lessons to be learned here. There should be some general thumbrules regarding whether or not to start some shit with a stranger. Here’s the video for the 5 people that haven’t seen it, so as to not spoil anything.
DISCLAIMER: I did a significant amount of background reading on this because from the Youtube clip it appears that the old guy starts shit with a racial slur about shining shoes. But apparently there was some confusion on that front as the young guy mentioned shoe shining first after he saw the old guy talking to his friend, a legendary Oakland shoeshiner. Who knows? With the sound off, it seems like some poor old dude is getting harassed by some young dude. With the sound on, it sounds like some old racist started up with the kid and then baited him into a fight. I think the truth is somewhere in between – the old guy clearly has some mental issues (he was tasered at an Oakland A’s game); the young guy was a little drunk and trying to impress some ladies via badassitude. This post isn’t about right and wrong – both of these guys were dumbasses and they may both have started with bad intentions. This post is about choosing an appropriate opponent if you want to start (or escalate) some shit.
When considering starting some shit with someone, avoid starting shit with anyone:
1. Wearing a fanny pack (they clearly don’t give a fuck);
2. Sporting forearm tattoos (although with the ubiquity of tattoos these days, this won’t hold true in ten years);
3. Wearing an “I Am A Motherfucker” tee shirt (this will always hold true)
Side Note: From reading the comments, everyone on the internet, of every race, is a racist. And a badass. Once again, I weep for the children. Actually, since I’m childless, I guess I just weep for myself.
Off to waste some potential gangsta-style at Disney World,