We Need To Update The Biathlon

We Need To Update The Biathlon

I’ve been watching quite a bit of the olympics and it’s surprising how even the dumb sports can suck you in.  I’ve particularly enjoyed the biathlon, since it combines two activities that have nothing to do with each other into one compact olympic event.  Most Americans think that a “biathlon” is either a combination running/swimming event or a VH1 reality show marathon.  In fact its the illogical combination of cross country skiing and rifle shooting – pursuits best left to James Bond villains or survivalists.  It’s enjoyable to watch since it makes no sense, but we can do better at mixing random shit together.

Potential New Biathlon Events

1.  Luge / Field Goal Kicking:  Luge halfway down a mountain, then luger attempts five 35 yard field goals.  For every miss, luger has to go further back up the mountain to finish luging.

2.  Marathon Run / Hot Dog Eating:  Standard 26.2 mile marathon run, but competitors have to stop and eat 15 hot dogs every six miles.  Vomiting results in 1/2 mile penalty lap.

3.  Boxing / Spelling Bee:  Spelling bee is conducted between combatants after the second round; loser of spelling bee cannot defend himself or throw punch for first seven seconds of third round of boxing match.

4.  Kayak Race / Free Throw Shooting:  Competitors kayak out to an island, where they shoot ten free throws.  For each miss, competitors receive 20 yard penalty and have to carry their own kayaks backwards before re-entering the water.

5.  10K Speed Skate / Skee-Ball:  After 5K skate, competitors play a game of ski ball.  Scores below 360 result in one penalty lap, scores above 540 result in one lap advantage.

6.  Fencing / Boggle:  After two minutes (or two touches, whichever comes first), fencers will play one game of Boggle using standard egg timer.  If Boggle winner wins by ten words or less, he can switch his opponent’s weapon from epee to blade; if Boggle winner wins by more than ten words, he has the option of forcing his opponent to fence with weaker arm.

Dick of the Week:  I’m starting a new feature, the likes of which has never been seen before.  Each week that I am thinking of it, I will identify the Dick of the Week.  I could’ve gone with the obvious (John Mayer), but I instead feel that I really must instead recognize the fuckhead who rang our buzzer at 2:42 AM today.  Thanks, bro (or broette), I haven’t been having trouble getting to sleep at a reasonable hour or anything.  Don’t sweat the fact that I was fast asleep at 2:00 AM for the first time in like three months, or that I remained awake until about 7:00 AM after your dick move (although the one positive was the massive chicken quesadilla I made at 3:30 AM).  I usually buzz random people in in the middle of the night since there are very few psychopaths lurking about, sorry to leave you hanging.  You are the Dick of the Week – feel free to kill yourself.

This event put me a little off schedule, I’m shooting to a little weekend recap piece up later on Wednesday.  Sneak preview: this weekend was pretty comedy club-centric.


Chilly17, wasted potential

6 thoughts on “We Need To Update The Biathlon

  1. How about eliminating some of the more useless sports and replacing them with your ideas? I turned on the TV last night in time to see the Russian ice skater blowing kisses to the camera. I had to take an immediate shower to wash it off.

  2. Whoa, you’re right. Actually you misspelled it as well, given that it’s actually Skee-Ball. I will consider both of us for DOTW next week.

  3. Actually, if men’s figure skating is promoting showering in the midwest, then it might be a good thing. It’s also probably a good thing you didn’t see Johnny Weir.

  4. Chilly, removal of olympic events is a slippery slope. What next? Curling? What would I do with my commemorative “Randy Furbey Rink – 2006 Scott Tournament of Hearts” sequined jean jacket? If the world were run “Chilly’s Way”, we would have an Olympics consisting of events with (a) “Chelsea cave” hibernation (b) Complaining about how cold it is (c) Sweating on the treadmill with alternative lifestyle people (d) Eating Mexican and Indian food together for comparative purposes. What bothers me more is that I know that you have been practicing biathlon in your apartment this week with homemade snowshoes and a shotgun.

  5. Guilty, I’ve been playing a lot of wii biathlon with special snowshoe controllers. Strong day by the AMERICANS yesterday. Who’s the Shaun White of Canada? Who’s the Lindsey Vonn of Canada? Who’s the Shani Davis of Canada? What kind of name is Shani?

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