Academy Awards Running Commentary

Academy Awards Running Commentary

8:10 PM:  Getting a bit of a late start.  Joining me for this intimate oscar party is an old friend and fellow decorated veteran: General Tso.  Will also be working through the three opened bottles of wine left over from last night.  Think I’ll start with the Yellow Tail, it really accentuates the flavor of chinese food.

I watched some of the pre-show on E!, that Juliana Rancic is fucking annoying.  Good to see the Twilight kids are gonna be here tonight; I was worried that they wouldn’t find work.  And how tall is Kathryn Bigelow?  Compared to Seacrest she appeared to be roughly as tall as Na’vi Jake Sully.  She needs a nickname; I think K-Bigs works pretty well.  Good luck, K-Bigs.  Heard Meryl was either being a bitch or pretending to be a bitch, have to check the twitter.

8:50 PM:  Fucking technology.  I just lost 40 minutes of stellar live blog commentary.  Now you’ll have to settle for this junk.  Have to try and recall some of the tidbits.

Taylor Lautner looked like he was gonna barf when Alec Baldwin mentioned his name – SO wisely recognized that as the same fear you get when the comedian is talking to you at a comedy club.

Waltz wins Best Supporting, huge shock.

Surprised that they brought out NPH for the musical number, that’s gotta be Adam Shankman’s idea.  I love NPH, but I think I just maximize the Baldwin/Martin goodness.

On, the commenters argue about the hotness of practically every fucking chick in the world – there are even people who debate the hotness of Sophia Vergara!  But the consensus opinion is that Helen Mirren is hot.  She’s in her sixties.  She’s freaky, too; she was in X-rated Caligula back in the 70s.  (I do not recommend this film for the non-squeamish – some scenes depict alternative uses for appendages that are definitely non-erotic.)

I thought you had to have some dramatic chops or extremely strong mainstream appeal to be an Oscar presenter?  Ryan Reynolds?  Cameron Diaz also seems a little weak.  Scratch that – Miley fucking Cyrus?!?!  And Amanda Whatshername?

Up and Up In The Air should join forces and try to win Best Picture as Really Long Movie About Upness.

Over/under for mentions of the Cameron/Bigelow marriage?   I think four, currently at one.

Young Kirk introducing District Nine?  That’s kind of ironic, as it was widely thought that either D9 or Star Trek would get the final Best Picture nod.

If this fucking computer screws me over again I’m gonna throw it outside.

9:11:  Commercials are pretty lame, I thought they used to bust out some Super Bowlesque ads?  So little drama this year, advertisers probably collectively said “fuck it.”

General Tso punched me in the gut, feeling woozy.

Nice job by RJD and Tina Fey.  I’m picking Inglourious Basterds in a slight upset.  Boal wins for THL!  First of many, I suspect.  Nice quick speech, too.

Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick?  Must be a John Hughes tribute.

9:29:  Hughes tribute was solid – amazing how prolific he was in the 80s/90s and the high quality level he maintained.  Some all time classics in his oeuvre.  I might have to fire up a little Ferris Bueller tonight.  Can’t figure out what Cusack was in of his though?  Nice Baldwin clip.

Why do they make a fuss over the short films?  This should be like the “best key grip” awards that got cut from prime time – nobody has seen/heard of any of these short films.  Except maybe for that Wallace and Gromit one.

So far, this has been pretty dull.  The Yellow Tail is gone, have moved over to some Spanish red that was brought over.  Not as tasty as Tail, but will do for now.  God I hope I don’t have to resort to white wine.

Best Documentary Short?  That’s 50x less relevant than the category I was just dissing.  It’s not like people are generally sitting around going “you know what I could really go for right now?  A documentary.  But nothing too long, is there a theater showing a bunch of thirty minute documentaries?”

Were those short doc winners having a fight onstage?  I couldn’t figure out what the heck was going on, I thought the fat lady was translating, but then it seemed like she might’ve been Kanye-ing.

Ben Stiller in blueface?  Could somehow be residue from the collective kissing of JC’s ass, but I don’t approve of this sci-fi minstrelsy.

Come on Star Trek – the makeup award ain’t no joke!  Yes!  Fuck that Best Picture omission!

9:49:  Best Adapted Screenplay coming up, I’m 1/2 so far but expect to get the rest of my picks right.  Nice little dose of Naughty By Nature there, I didn’t really expect to hear “OPP” tonight.

Does Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire have the most awkward title ever?  And as I typed that, it won!  Wow, that’s a major upset as Up In The Air was thought to be a heavy favorite.  I’m gonna have to check out P:BOTNPBS, but I will have to be in a very specific mood.  This guy seems like he might not make it through the speech, he might collapse.  I’m somewhat shocked, I thought I would only get one pick wrong.  Other upsets ahead?

Queen Latifah has really not wasted potential.  Jesus, I was listening to some “hip hop of the 80s/90s” playlist on napster and heard her on a song with Moni Love from 15 years ago.  Now she’s introducing the honorary award at the fucking Oscars.  such UNwasted potential.  I’m gonna put this wine down and turn my life around.

I guess maybe I’ll just finish the wine, makes no sense to waste it.  It’s from Peru.  Or Spain.  Somewhere else.

Maybe my “Who’s had the better career: Robin Williams or Steve Martin?” debate has been settled tonight.  Steve is co-MC and RW is introducing best supporting actress.  It would be a major shocker if Mo;n>’q:que didn’t win.

Jake and Maggie pronounce their name “jill in hall”?  I always thought it was “gill in hall”?  That’s my worst pronunciation error since I found out it’s “key osk” not “kai osk”.

Holy shit that P:BOTNPBS clip scared the shit out of me.  M:o’n*i)q%ue with the expected win.  She does not come across as being very hilarious for a comedian.  She seems angry, more like a contract killer than a sitcom star.

10:04:  JC Penney with the prime time advertisement.  I own some JCP shares, they have been on fire recently after shitting the bed.  Keep up the strong work, retail pick of mine (with some help from the sellside analysts who put it on their “lock of the year” lists).  I’m gonna go there tomorrow and see if they have any adult sized garanimals.

Chilly Trivia:  I’ve never owned an iPod.  I was an early mp3 adopter and have used both legal and illegal versions of napster since.  I almost got an iPod touch last week when my POS Zen finally died, but instead went with the Sansa Fuze. I foolishly would rather pay $15/month for library access that I rarely use instead of paying $1 for a song to own forever.

Damn, some of these speeches are fucking sad.  This dude who worked on Avatar was told he was gonna die 13 years ago?  I’m getting depressed – get some happy fuckers up there who just want to get drunk and stuff.

I keep forgetting about twitter.  I’m gonna do some twittering too since I’m “working” tonight.  chilly_17, ya’ll.  I have one follower, which is pretty awesome.  I cannot put that twitter button on this site when I only have one follower – that might indicate lameness (no offense, Flint).

Way to throw Twilight into the horror film montage.  Wow – I have twitter open in another tab and someone said the same exact thing.  There are no original thoughts.  Actually, there are no original vapid thoughts.

10:25:  Sound Editing.  Getting to the big boys.  THL with the win!  I’m expecting a sweep of the top two here.  Cmon K-bigs!  I’m gonna check twitter to see if that nickname is taking over.

K-bigs is not taking the world by storm.  Dammit.  Giving nicknames is one of my strongest attributes, along with foosball and getting people to go for long lunches.

Ryan from The Office and Naughty By Nature!  A special night indeed.  If only Ryan and the rest of the namesake crew in IB had been in the frickin movie.

I’m at almost 1400 words already?  Time flies when you are drinking wine, half watching something and typing, while simultaneously trying to digest some lumps of battered and fried chicken-type product and checking the market futures.  Damn, I actually sound somewhat busy.  I should call my parents.  They think I’m one of those silver statue of liberty guys at central park and living in a cardboard box.

You know what rules about a live blog?  I don’t have to really worry about editing it.  Homophone errors?  Too late to worry about that.  Or should I say: to late two worry about that?

Tribute portion – Swayze in the first slot.  That’s it?  He got fucked.  That’s bullshit.  Karl Malden closes out the montage?  I love me some Streets of San Francisco, but come on.  Ghost, Point Break, Dirty Dancing, etc – they should’ve recognized.  Mild applause for Michael Jackson was also surprising, seemed like Brittany Murphy evoked one of the biggest reactions.

10:49:  Is it just me (and SO), or are there some So You Think You Can Dance fuckers on this medley?

Yep, that’s definitely Kayla.

I’m sure that breakdancing dude’s mom has been giving him shit his whole life, and now he’s doing a three minute solo at the Academy Awards.  Yet unanother example of unwasted potential.  After I finish this drink, I am seriously done with all this tomfoolery.  Time to dedicate myself.

I just realized, no Farrah in the death montage???  That thing was seriously wrong – they fucking almost omitted Swayze and then they did omit Farrah.  Does no one remember Logan’s Run?  What about Dr. T and The Women?  Okay, Dr. Tsucked, but still she was in movies and she was at one point the biggest star in the world.  Same does not hold true for Karl Malden, despite my love for American Express.

11:03:  It seems like the hosts are not really all that involved in the show.  I was expecting a bit more, really.

How long is this gonna last?  I’m getting bored, just spent the last seven minutes trying to figure out why T’s comments always go to moderation.  It’s possible that my computer has recognized him as some kind of anarchist banker, as Railbird’s comments do not go to moderation.  Computer, does railbird get a free pass because she’s a girl?

Fuck Avatar.  Although I enjoyed it, my expectations were supremely low (and it was raining in Florida, so what else were we gonna do?  A whale had just killed someone, so SeaWorld wasn’t happening).  The Hurt Locker.  K-Bigs.  Let’s do this.  One for two will not suffice.

11:25:  This is longer than the Super Bowl.  I should definitely have bought more wine.

Remember when Julianne Moore didn’t wear any pants or underwear when she was ironing in Short Cuts?  Robert Altman was a great director.  One of the few extremely long movies I enjoyed.

Are they gonna intro all the Best Actors with a panel of colleagues?  This shit might last until 2:00 AM.  Vera Farmiga sounds like an entree at an upscale Italian restaurant.

Godammit, second technology fuckup of the night.  DVR cut off and we somehow missed the chat up about Jeremy Renner.  How does Colin Farrell even know that guy?  I’m pissed right now.  Cmon JR.

Bridges with another expected victory.  I’m starting to get a little worried about the blue men taking the end of the night.  So many bad omens so far.  I like Bridges, and he definitely seems either drunk or high.

Wow, Oprah and Forest Whitaker?  Star power for the Best Actress testimonials.  Wait, Whitaker directed Hope Floats?  Really?  If Bullock wins, it’s gonna be a combination of her broad appeal and sustained career, not for any real substance.  Not quite a career achievement award even, because she doesn’t have that much substantive “work”.

If the vote was done right now, Oprah might swing the vote.  Gabby seems like a real cool person, and comfortable in her own skin, but she needs to lose a few elbees, for health’s sake.  Jeebus.

I’m running a 15k later this month, not sure if I mentioned it on here yet.  If I was less fat, I would run faster.  But eating is one of my hobbies.

I feel a little bad for Stanley Tucci that he got nominated for such a despicable role.  I listened to The Lovely Bones as I drove cross country, and it pretty much sucked.  But the killer of Susie Salmon was a pretty bad guy.  I like guys like Stanley who can play like 7-8 different races.  He was awesome in Big Night.  (Actually, the food was awesome in Big Night, that movie introduced me to risotto.  I’m from the South, there spaghetti is exotic.)

Sandy with the win.  Snooze.  Although she’s pretty likable, and Jesse James was one of the few tolerable people involved with the last Celebrity Apprentice.

K-BIGS!!!!  Solid win.  Let’s hope Best Picture doesn’t slip away.  Is she boning Jeremy Renner?  I heard he might play Green Arrow in a Justice League movie.  Or maybe it’s Hawkeye in an Avengers movie.  He’s being considered for one of the superhero archer roles in a team movie.

Tom Hanks does not fuck around, I guess because it was 11:59.

The Hurt Locker does not bomb at the Oscars!  (Witty writing – free of charge).  How tall is K-Bigs, like 6’7″?  Glad to see things work out like they were supposed to.  2300 words on Sunday night.  I’m done for a day or two.



17 thoughts on “Academy Awards Running Commentary

  1. Hey chilly. How many yellowtails would it take for you to do a 5 way with Monique and the main character from Precious?

  2. Hey chilly. Why does it take so long to ‘moderate’ my comments. I’m trying to help you out and be Steve Martin to your Alec Baldwin but you’re bullshit blog won’t let me comment in real time. Makes me angry. I want to suffocate a 6 year old right now.

  3. Actually, I’m not sure why. Let me see what’s up with that. I think my server is a little scared of you, T. Railbird’s comments go right up. Not even kidding. Let me see what’s up with the settings. On Mo”:nique and Gabby, I’m thinking it would take 8 magnums and some muscle relaxers.

  4. She looks more like Sophia Vergara. I walked by Elizabeth Banks one day in Tribeca. She seems nice. Although I don’t necessarily trust those girls who are a little too tomboyish (Cameron Diaz, por ejemple)

  5. See if it immediately posts now, TBone. I have no idea why it doesn’t work, I totally checked the “approve posts for anyone who’s previously commented.” Based on the fact that I lost 40 minutes of liveblogging to the ether, I’m no expert behind the scenes.

  6. Looks like it worked. Kate winslet needs to do something about her brows. She looks like my uncle Sal.

  7. Hey chilly. Is there a bigger mutherfucking cocksukker on this planet than Sean Penn? I challenge you to come up with one.

  8. That’s probably right, I didn’t follow his whole “i hated the academy, but we made up last year” rant because I was typing some shit. Hard to believe he started out in fast times.

  9. Pay attention chilly. Jeremy and Colin were costars in SWAT.
    Your girl kbig just won. There’s another big “eff you and your mother” from her to James Cameron. First she divorced him, now this. You go, amazon woman.

  10. Agreed. That was long as shit, though. I’m friggin exhausted. Thanks for the assist, T. Maybe my computer was wrong about you.

  11. my dvr cut off and we missed that part, i didn’t have the energy to imdb nor the inclination to watch SWAT when it came out. Renner needs to strike while the iron is hot.

  12. Btw. WTF is up with travolta wearing jeans tonight? Put on some cotton slacks, Tony mannero. Or polyester. Whatever.

  13. It was an honor to work with you chilly. We should tag team the next awards show. I think the Source awards are coming up. I’ve got lil wayne edging out T pain for best autotune album. Bring it, chilly. And say hello to your girlfriend for me. Awwww yeah.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.