Asics Instinct

Asics Instinct

I am turning into a real Carrie Bradshaw with the Asics shoes.  See those above?  Those are my new Gel Kayano 16s.  They number them, like comic books, so you’ll know which ones are awesome.  (Unfortunately, since new models come out every year, if you’re a big fan of the 8’s you’d have to hoard them on eBay or something.)  I chose to get the shoes above not just because they are uber-bad-assed looking, which they are, but for a more scientific reason: red shoes make you run faster.  As a five year old, I suspected the “red shoes make you run faster” hypothesis had merit.  Years later, I both theoremed and lawed that shit when I ran a 4.3 forty in my first ever pair of Nikes (red swoosh).  (Those shoes were a rare case of me complaining until my mom bought me something 10x more expensive than we would normally buy.  They were $40 – prior to that I was sporting off-brand Kangaroos from Wal-Mart that went for $5.99.  I fell down on a newly tarred street the first day I was sporting the Nikes, I shit you not.  Hiding that shit from her was a coverup on a scale that would make the Watergate conspirators envious.)

See those ones below?  Those are my backup Gel Kayano 16s.  You’re probably thinking “wait, that’s just a second photo of the same sweet-assed shoes.”  You’re probably thinking incorrectly.  See, I’ve completely revamped my shoe cycle.  Due to what doctors have told me is a non-gigantism pituitary disorder, I have a mild torrential sweating problem.  Much like the Tourette’s guy in the spin class, it’s not a condition I embrace.  I’d previously worked within the frameworks of a two shoe system – one set of running shoes for walking around in, another set of shoes for actually running in.  When the running shoes finally got worn out, the walking shoes would get promoted up to running, and I’d buy a new pair of walking around shoes.


For the haters that thought I just posed one pair two different ways

That system served me well for years; I learned the basics from watching my buddy Ala Majala’s 3-sock system in college (rotate a funk sock out for the clean sock when the odor from one of the main socks gets prohibitive, third socks starts to smell relatively better, repeat as needed).  But since I’m running a couple of races this spring, I’ve had to somewhat increase my daily activity level from sit-on-my-ass-all-day to sit-on-my-ass-most-of-the-day.  Accordingly, my “running” running shoes are frequently soaking wet from the, uh, gland condition.  (It’s not fatness-related, I can assure you.)  Putting on already-wet running shoes is not for the faint of heart or the hygiene of good.

So the three shoe system was born – I will alternate two pairs of running shoes.  The problem is, I have been loathe to actually run in the 16s because of their awesomeness.  They have fucking asymmetric laces!  What fucking losers are people with symmetric laces!  It reminds me of when I got my first slider phone, the feeling of superiority from hearing that whi-zish when I opened it and the satisfying thunk when shutting it.  (Too bad I left that thing at Stone Rose the first week I had it and had to suffer through a Nokia candy bar phone for two years.)  Sunday, I finally managed to put them through a 6-miler in Central Park and let the red tendrils do their work.  (Who needs a swoosh when you can have those Asics tendrils or whatever the hell those things are?)

Gel Kayano 14s - the salty veterans of the rotation

Of course they came through: I managed better than 9-minute miles and I had several things working against me.  I was hungover, dehydrated, improperly carbed, my knee still hurt from falling on it the other night (although the burritos broke my fall a bit) and fat.  So maintaining a 9 minute mile pace was a strong effort.  Undoubtedly the shoes had a significant role.  It could also have been the socks.  Or the shorts.  Or the shirt (UPF 50+, blocks 90% of UV rays!).  I realized after gearing up that I looked like an Asidiot – generally I shy away from wearing completely-matching logoed up outfits.  Subconsciously, I had even matched my shirt to my tendrils.  Sure, I looked like a tool, but I felt like a superhero.  Keep up the good work, Asics.

For the Asics completist

If you catch a glimpse of a large red and black blur this weekend at the Colon Cancer 15k, you may have just been chillified.



4 thoughts on “Asics Instinct

  1. Yo, Chilly Dog – I prefer the Asics Gel Evolotion. They are made for people with flat feet. My feet are flat because my arches are unable to withstand the weight of all that TARP bank cash I carry in each back pocket. Better to have flat feet and wads of casheesh than high arches and empty pockets, right Chilly? On a side note, I’m thinking of changing my handle to T-Nice, in honor of the sick with talent 80’s hip hop star, D-Nice. What do you think, playa?

  2. Don’t most people with flat feet also have flat asses? A fate possibly worse than fat pockets of TARP. The one downside to Asics is that they have like 789 different models – not familiar with the gel evolutions but it’s quite possible I’ve owned them before I appreciated the nomenclature.

    I listened to a lot of the early days of rap, but I must admit my knowledge/appreciation of BDP’s body of work is lacking. Boys Fat, Boogie and Skinny all merited consideration, but I believe BDP was too thugged out for me at that impressionable time. Maybe I’ll revisit their work now, as my anger and hostility levels are likely more in-line with the rhymes.

    T-Nice? I think it works.

  3. Not related to this fine asics post, but all the red and black resembles what my tongue and lips look like after trying your coveted Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce last night. That stuff is blazing.

    Chilly, your taste buds must be resilient to most damaging natural elements (lightening, lava, fire-ant bites). I must say after running for a gallon of H20, I found myself strangely addicted and yearning for more. Good call and thanks for shining light on perhaps the greatest condiment of all-time.

  4. No problem, that stuff is awesome. Don’t forget to refer to the label if you are wondering what sriracha is great with: soups, sauces, pasta, pizza, hot dogs, hamburgers, chow mein, etc. Prob my personal fave is leftover pizza. I think I’m gonna fire some up with a turkey sandwich, now that you mention it.

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