Improve Your Life Immediately

Improve Your Life Immediately

Here’s a simple five step process to improve your life immediately:

1.  Go to a store

2.  Purchase a six pack of Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs

3.  Eat 4-5 Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs

4.  Keep in the back of your mind that you still have 1-2 Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs available

5.  Re-assess your life.  Better?

It works, trust me.  I’ve had a baker’s dozen RPBEs so far this Easter season, have had to cut back a bit due to fatness issues.  So delicious – as I’ve mentioned before, the lack of ridges (as compared to the Reese’s cups) result in a higher peanut butter to chocolate ratio, an improvement your taste buds will appreciate.  I’m pretty sure I could win an eating competition involving either Reese’s Eggs, ice cream sandwiches or Funyuns.  Not so much one of those freakish competitive eater ones where it’s all about intake technique and distending your stomach, but one involving normal humans with relatively normal appetites and body sizes.  Yeah, I’d place well in those.  (Probably appropriate to add that I have also shown well in Goldschlager drinking competitions.)

I have a 90% complete post ready that I could’ve just finished, but there’s a lot of crap I wanted to add of a personal nature, so that post would’ve been 13,000 words.  So f the b, I’m just gonna write whatever this shit is and then I’m already ahead of the game for next week.  Which is probably good given that I’m running a 15k on Sunday and might be a little off my game.

15k Run I have had to purify myself a little ahead of the 15k (particularly in light of some poor drinking-related decision making last week).  I haven’t had any booze since last Saturday.  It turns out that I quite enjoy alcohol.  This abstinence has also affected my writing process, which typically looked like this:

1.  Have some Yellow Tail

2.  Type words

3.  Hit “publish” button.

So, I have clearly sacrificed a lot for this run.  I was hoping to finish in 80 minutes, but I forgot about the dastardly extra .2 miles that comes with every 10k.  So it’s 9.3 miles, not 9.0 miles.  That’s almost exactly a 7.0 mph pace, no danger of maintaining that.  So I guess I’ll be happy with 83-85 minutes.  But since I’ll be all Asiced-out, I’ll probably be happy just because of how coordinated my outfit is.  Am planning on showering up and hitting a Mexican cantina immediately following the run, having about 15 margaritas (extra shot $1 more!) and then going to see Hot Tub Time Machine.  Today and tomorrow are gonna be some boring-assed days.

Las Vegas Watch Las Vegas reruns on TNT – you probably do not realize how often Vegas casinos have bombs, murderers, terrorists – or some combination of all three – in them.

Always in Christina Applegate's shadow, PM Dawn could've really boosted Nikki Cox's career

NCAA Tourney Following up on T-Nice’s comment from yesterday, my epic hangover last week prevented me from catching much of the equally-epic first round games (well, the Thursday games were epic).  I did catch the end of the Kansas-UNI game on Saturday; watching UNI try to inbound against the press was like watching a dog perform laproscopic surgery: awkward and inefficient.  Classic “No!No!No!Yes!Yes!Yes!” moment when the Iranian kid pulled up for the three pointer, ice water.  A humble suggestion to MSU: go with the full court press.

I also don’t follow college hoops as closely these days because I frickin hate the One-And-Done policy.  Some of those kids should go directly to the NBA; I find it a little distracting that these guys can cause very brief spikes for some random programs, like Beasley and K-State.  Wait – they’re good again this year?  What?  (You could probably also argue that some dumbass kids who would’ve declared straight out of high school and never been drafted are now going to college and maybe will get a better idea of their draft prospects and stay for a few years.  Whatever, I’m talking about the top tier guys.)

This year reminds me a little of 2003, I probably would’ve picked Kentucky to win it all based on the “best pro prospect by a mile” theory.  (Although, full disclosure, I had ‘Cuse losing in the title game that year, costing me the pool.)  According to Chad Ford, Kentucky might have five first round picks, so they should be pretty fucking good.  “Easy to pick Kentucky now, Dick, when they look like the prohibitive favorite” – I can hear you saying that.  But I have some bracket bonafides: in 2008 I had the entire left side of the bracket correct going into the Sweet Sixteen.  And I had Kansas winning it all.  (I still finished second.  I think those analysts fucking pencil-whipped me somehow).  Anyhoo, there’s also a great chance that UK will get their ass beat next round, the tourney is obviously pretty unpredictable.  That would be fine, I fucking hate UK.  They used to routinely kick Arkansas’ ass, even during the golden years of Corliss and crew.

Bottom line: the previous three paragraphs did not provide much illumination beyond that the prohibitive favorite may, or may not, win the tournament.  (There’s a reason this column isn’t available only on ESPN Insider.)

OK Go While not as joy-inducing as the “Here It Goes Again” treadmill video, this one is much more ambitious and it allegedly required  78 takes to actually get it right.  What is a Rube Goldberg machine, anyway?  They should make an Adam Goldberg machine that serves no real purpose but makes weird noises and needs to shave its eyebrows.


Earnings Update A pretty solid week overall, made $0.10.  Sure, it’s not quite as lucrative as investment banking, but every dime adds up.  When I’m 107, I will likely have paid off my bar tab from last week, assuming there’s no inflation and that I continue to spend like 10 hours a week on this.  Not too shabby.

But enough about me – what should you be looking to do with your hard-earned cash?  Sure, everybody has a flat screen these days, big whoop, right?  If you really want to impress your friends, how about this OUTDOOR flat screen?  55 inches of all-weather goodness.  Hang this out on your balcony, play some catch with your Hermes glove, spray the house directly at the TV – won’t hurt it at all.  You, my friend, are set for summer.

Modern Family Watch Modern Family.

She has a kid in college. I'm sure he doesn't take any abuse.

I’m psyched for Hot Tub Time Machine,


5 thoughts on “Improve Your Life Immediately

  1. Great – the one place I thought I could seek refuge from all of this ridiculous ncaa tourney crap. I mean the only real tournament that means anything is the NIT, right?

    At least until next year.

    Thanks a lot Chilly, now I have to boycott your site for a few hours (since you compensated with HTTM and the Modern Fam. pic).

  2. Haha, I forgot about UNC’s poor season. I think you’ll survive with the mere two titles in the last six seasons or whatever. I’m sure they’ll be back to prominence next year, Roy always reloads.

    I used to hate UNC almost as much as UK, back when Arkansas was, you know, relevant. Fingers crossed on Time Machine.

  3. Also, don’t knock the NIT. I lived in Tulsa in 1981 when the Golden Hurricane took the title – it was a huge deal back then. That was before the NCAA tourney expanded to 64 teams, so there was probably a little more prestige. TU beat Syracuse that year. Good times – Nolan Richardson was always the man!

  4. I heard a rumor that Corliss Williamson used to bone his sister. Might be because he’s fucked in the head, or it might be because he’s from Arkansas.

  5. Watch what you say about corliss, he enjoys godlike status in the ‘sas. If he heard you saying that he’d punch a hole in your gut, pull out your pancreas, and eat it while you watched.

    Plus, sleeping with your sister isn’t illegal (or frowned upon) in ark. Unless it’s a twin sister, of course – that’s gross. There’s a dude in this year’s NFL draft who is a registered sex offender because he had consensual sex with his biological sister. Yeeeikes….

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