Short history lesson: back in ancient times, a man would sometimes compliment a woman (who he had invariably never met and would never meet) by saying “I would drink her bath water.” The essence of the compliment being, she’s so frickin attractive that even doing something disgusting like drinking her effluent filth would be quasi-orgasmic. These day’s this type of comment has evolved into something along the lines of “I’d (slow way of traveling) through (sharp or painful items) just to (one of the five senses) her (bodily function).” Back in Britney and Christina’s heyday, you’d hear this sentiment expressed frequently about many of the young, popular ex-Mousketeers.
Times have changed, since “I’d drink Ke$ha’s bath water” (along with “I don’t like The Wire“) has never actually been uttered, written or considered. You can check the googs if you don’t believe me (although, I guess now it has been written, so don’t bother checking.) Sure, she’s got a catchy song or two (you know you’ve caught yourself “tick tock”ing) but she has some serious shortcomings in the hygiene area – there might be some truth to that “I brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack” business. (Although my man Bat Rastard actually managed to offset his lack of toothbrush solely with Popov vodka for a week on spring break.) It’s pretty much consensus opinion that she needs to be hosed down like they do in those epidemic outbreak movies. According to more than one interviewer, she smells. I guess I’d understand it more if she was some punk wannabe or something, but she’s just straight pop. Anyhoo, homegirl could use a bath.
She even works in a nod to her (olfactory, not musical) funkiness in the video below, spending some time rolling around in a (water- and soap-free) bathtub. She does deserve props for the $ in her name though, I might have to implement something like that to raise my profile around this motherfucker. But between her and Lady G, we are quickly ruining the reputation of the American pop star from an aesthetic standpoint – they are both fairly fugnacious. The list below is pretty much the bottom ten of my list of stuff I’d drink over her bath water – certainly a DC lime or a Gatorade would be preferable, among thousands of others.
Ten Things I’d Rather Drink Than Ke$ha’s Bath Water
10. Okra/asparagus smoothie with a power shot of Rosie O’Donnell yeast infection
9. Clorox bleach (with lime)
8. Glass of mop water from bucket used to clean up after Eagles’ home opener
7. Iced coffee
6. Sweat from Big Black’s workout gear following a bikram yoga / jumping jack session
5. Prell shampoo
4. Cup of water from the kiddie pool
3. A (strained) glass of that weird blue liquid from a Coachella porta-potty
2. Litter box milkshake
1. Cup-a-Soup prepared in the vagina of a Thai hooker (Prepared, not served. Let’s not be disgusting.)
Finally got my shit to reconcizzial,