4:07 PM: Yeah, boy! You know what time it is! (Seriously, just look down there at the bottom right of your computer. Unless you have a Mac, who the fuck knows where it is on that, probably upper left hand corner.) There’s probably nothing lamer in the world than reading fan-generated mock drafts on your favorite teams message boards, glad I didn’t stoop to that level (much) in reading every iteration of every mock draft on the internet. (Watching someone play solitaire, that might be lamer.
Feel free to drop me a line if you have questions about what your favorite team might do. Let’s be clear of one thing though – unless you’re a Niners fan, your team sucks. We have Ted Ginn now! Ted Ginn! He was the ninth player drafted like three years ago, he must be fantastic. I remember when he took the opening kickoff to the house in the national championship game against Florida, and then Florida scored the next 75 points. (That same year the Bears took the opening kickoff back in the Super Bowl, and went on to get their asses kicked. Who knew scoring the first 15 seconds into a game would be a curse in 2007?)
6:12 PM: It Was a Dark and Stormy Night Drink of choice tonight? None other than some Gosling’s dark rum and Goya ginger beer. I will also drink a shot of rum every time I see Luke Wilson – I hope I live to see picks 13 and 17. Also planning on going to see Kick-Ass tonight. A dark and stormy night, indeed.
6:20 PM: Shit, the NYTimes and the WSJ are live-blogging the draft? I thought wpz might end up being one of the more august websites taking a gander at this thing. I highly doubt they are playing Luke Wilson drinking games though.
Oh, yeah, I just found out that this blog is ranked 11,961,926 of all sites on the web. Top 12 million! That doesn’t sound like much until you consider there are 30 million blogs dedicated to Justin Bieber alone. There are something like 600 million blogs, so if I ever decide to get a second MBA, I can always tout having a website in the top 2% of dumb websites.
Trying to decide what to eat. Pondering getting Domino’s – their oven-baked sandwiches are actually stellar. And they come with a side of pizza, which is rare. But SO wanted to get Pita Pan Cafe – I generally feel terrible after eating there because I get a gyro with double meat and fries. I ran 19 miles the last three days, so my cholesterol can kiss my ass.
7:34 PM: Here we go, Rams on the clock. Bradford/Clausen reminds me of Alex Smith/Aaron Rodgers five years ago. It’s gonna play out the exact same way. Although Clausen does appear to be a mega-doosh.
Solved the food situation: gyros now, Domino’s later. Compromise is a good thing. First DnS coming my way now.
7:38 PM: Bradford, unsurprisingly. Weak-armed spread qbs generally do pretty well in the NFL, especially those with recent injury histories. Good luck to him, though, he seems like a good kid. He might arguably have less talent around him at St. Louis than he had at OU – OU is likely gonna have 3 of the top 6 picks.
I’ll assume that the next two picks are Suh and Mccoy, so will focus on the drinking for a bit.
7:44 PM: SO: “Suh looks like Jay-Z”. Actually he does a little bit. Wonder if that suit would be baggy on me? Monster.
There are literally thousands of draft liveblogs, the NFL is the king. Next year I’m gonna do a mock live-blog, where I will predict what the live bloggers are gonna say. That’s definitely the way to go. Trendsetter.
7:52 PM: McCoy is bawling. Pussy. Suh will have 10x the career McCoy has. No crying in football. Oh, his mom died without seeing him play? I take it all back, he’s a stud. (Although only 23 reps on the bench? Hit the gym a little, Gerald.)
7:56 PM: I’m expecting the Redskins to do something foolish here, like not take a tackle. That would be nice, maybe one of the better guys will fall down to, I don’t know, 13ish. Eric Berry?
7:58 PM: Trent Williams goes from a mid-first to the fourth pick? Nice work in the interview rooms and at the combine, Trent. But wasn’t he the guy who blew the assignment and got Bradford hurt? And what’s with Goodell calling him “Silverback”? We don’t need levity in the draft, this is serious bizness.
8:01 PM: OU with 3 of the top 4 picks – impressive that they never won the title with that crew. Way to pick a right tackle with the fourth pick, Washington. That was smart. I guess Berry goes here then.
8:06 PM: Gruden may have one of the weirdest hairstyles I’ve ever seen. It looks like it’s molded to his head like an action figure.
Berry is rockin the “tie matches the shirt” look that Regis Philbin made popular when Who Wants To Be A Millionaire came out in 1999.
8:11 PM: It’s good to see that the Seahawks will get the better tackle prospect two picks after the Skins. That was nice of them. Okung. Why don’t they show John Clayton during the draft? That dude could’ve played Freddie in that Nightmare reboot with very little makeup.
8:14 PM: I’m getting a little worried that the Niners are gonna take Clausen. Staring at his mug on the upper right hand corner of the screen is making me wanna punch the Samsung. Thank God for the Raiders, they will surely do something stupid.
Damn, the Phillies are mopping the floor with the Braves. I’m afraid that the Phillies and Yankees might both win 125 games. Well, if Philly had sucked it up and kept Cliff Lee.
Shit, does Clausen have the same hairline as Jude Law? WTF? Isn’t he 21? That’s gonna evolve into the Rob Corddry horseshoe before you know it.
8:22 PM: NOOOOOO!!! I wanted Haden at 13! Dammitt!!!! Everybody is a moron, “Haden’s sliding” or “Haden’s too slow”…. fucking Cleveland.
8:24 PM: What is that facial hair Haden’s sporting? It’s like dual pencil mustache sideburns but not connected to the jaw or the hairline. I guess he’ll fit in well in Cleveland, that’s meth lab fashion.
Planning to see Kick-Ass at 10:45, this draft is moving along at a pretty quick pace, thankfully. I’m hoping I won’t be offended by a 13 year old girl portraying an 11 year old girl who kills a bunch of people.
8:26 PM: Raiders on the clock – please do something incredibly stupid, Al. Like take the 30th best linebacker. Don’t take a lineman. Unless it’s Bruce Campbell, you should take him. Actually the Raiders would probably select Bruce Campbell the actor.
8:29 PM: Rolando Mcclain three picks early! You can always count on the Raiders. Hopefully either Davis or Bulaga will be there at 13. Still pissed about Haden – 100% of mock drafts had him a Niner. I smell Clausen, and it’s not a good smell. If Buffalo doesn’t take him here, he’s gonna be in the scarlet and gold. Dammit to hell.
8:32 PM: Buffalo takes Spiller?!? WTF is going on here? Don’t they already have a running back (although one who is a marijuana and domestic violence enthusiast?) I like Spiller, but that seems like a big-time waste. Running backs = dime a dozen. My man DMac hasn’t done shit in Oakland and that’s probably Spiller’s fate as well.
8:38 PM: Did Jacksonville think this was the third round? Tyson Alualu??? Last three picks are nonsense. Bulaga and Earl Thomas would be nice.
8:40 PM: Why is SF moving up???? Dumbass move unless they only gave up a 4th or something. If they gave up a third I’m gonna be pissed. They probably gave up the 17th. Is it for Thomas or Bulaga? Guarantee it’s one of those guys.
8:44 PM: Glad they got Davis, whew. Not sure why they traded up.
8:48 PM: Chargers trading up for Matthews? Hmmm….they seems a little robust, but whatever. I haven’t seen Luke Wilson once tonight. Tonight is a good night.
8:51 PM: Assuming Eagles are going for Earl Thomas here. Damitt again.
8:53 PM: Broncos have traded down like 14 times already. They are gonna have every 7th round pick. Nice “Eagles suck” chant going on. They do indeed.
9:00 PM: Is it my imagination or do the announcers love everybody so far? It seems like there used to be some critical comments about player weaknesses, arrests, etc. Not so much in 2010.
Just starting my second drink. I am weak, but typing this shit takes forever.
9:03 PM: Looks like the Niners can get another solid player at 17. Hopefully Thomas is around. Maybe D. Morgan. How about not Jimmy Clausen?
Cursed myself – Thomas to Seattle. No way Morgan is still around at 17. Maybe Niners go O-line wild and take Pouncey or Iupati at 17? Pass rushers have such high bust potential.
9:10 PM: I’m pretty sure I saw a guy with a recurring role on How I Met Your Mother in a Taco Bell commercial. Perhaps network TV pays less than I suspected.
I’m wondering if liking Glee makes me ghey. At a glance, it certainly seems like something I should hate. But it actually has a pretty caustic edge to it. I dunno…probably turning ghey.
Let’s hope the Giants take the dude with the super-long French sounding name.
9:14 PM: Yep, Jason Pierre-Phillipe or whatever. He is one of the most distinguished multiple-juco-attending Haitian first round picks ever. I guess the ability to do multiple back flips is key to rushing the passer.
9:21 PM: I would’ve been okay with the Niners grabbing Morgan, despite the fact that fully 68% of people with that surname are mentally deficient in multiple ways. Iupati? Pouncey? More importantly, where is Luke Wilson? I haven’t seen one AT&T commercial. If I was running AT&T Wireless, my commercial would simply say “We have the fucking iPhone. Nobody else does. You’ll have to settle for our shitty network.”
9:29 PM: I’m down with Iupati. I lived in Idaho briefly when I was enlisted in the Navy. One time at the (only) popular bar, two Samoan dudes decided they were going to fight everyone else. They kicked the shit out of like 25 guys. I (luckily…for them) wasn’t there that night, but I saw all the busted up dudes the next day. Moral of the story: if you have the option of fighting a Samoan dude in a bar, kindly pass.
I’m gonna go check the 49erswebzone and see what the reaction is. There were some serious Iupati fanboys on there.
9:46 PM: Wow, Denver skipping over Dez Bryant. He must be quite a dick. C’mon, Dez, slide to #49. Psyche – Eugene Parker can S a D after the Crabtree fiasco.
9:53 PM: Nice pick for the Pack, that Bulaga. Sounds like a kind of expensive roe. Supposedly a prototype right tackle, not 100% sure why the Niners didn’t just take him since Davis projects to the right. Bulaga looks like he might enjoy hanging out with Michelle Mcgee.
9:57 PM: Waiting on the preparation of my third DnS. Hoping that we make it to Kick-Ass, need to move things along here. No Luke Wilson has to be the surpise of the night for me, first ElDub-free day in like three months for me.
Dez Bryant to Dallas? Seems right, they really focus on character down there. Not sure if I mentioned it but FUCK THE COWBOYS. (No offense, ‘Tro.)
10:04 PM: No fucking way Tebow goes before Clausen????????????? Are you fucking kidding me??????
10:09 PM: I really like what the Broncos are doing here, they are replacing their dickhead-but-good players with nice-but-terrible-or-unproven players. All aboard the 4-12 train.
10:24 PM: Being a Pats fan on draft night must be horrible: trade back, trade back, trade back, trade back….then take some fucker no one has ever heard of from Rutgers.
10:26 PM: But at least he’s a good special teamer. Solid. Sometimes I think Belichick tries a little too hard to be smarter than everyone else.
I think purple onions might be the grossest frickin things on the planet. That angus burger commercial had me interested until they highlighted the magenta nightmare.
10:33 PM: Who the Jets taking? Jerry Hughes? I don’t know who’s really left.
10:37 PM: I said Kyle Wilson right before they picked….fucking Jets….they should be pretty good, as hard as that is to admit…
10:40 PM: Surely Minnesota takes Clausen. Most Vikings fans that I know are D-bags, Clausen is a D-bag…perfect fit?
10:42 PM: I’m out of here….To all you Vikings, Colts and Saints fans: fuck off, you have good teams….let somebody slide a few spots to wear something kind scarlety and kinda goldy…and I’m signing off so I can go see Kick-Ass….T-Nice, you are solidly in the lead for commenter of the year 2010, good luck with the Ferragamos…remember, flashier is not better (unless you are asian)…