How To Win a Free iPad: A User’s Guide

How To Win a Free iPad: A User’s Guide

All this could be yours, you lazy f-ckers

I have come to realize that many of the folks that read this site have little to no need for free items (likely dreading the additional 1099 or the sensation of being in a charitable environment).  If you recall, back in June I suggested that if my Apple $240/$230 put spreads finished fully in the money (which pretty much any ~25% monthly ROI apple put spreads have done for the last 8-10 months – if this makes no sense, don’t worry about it) I would give away an iPad on this site.  And then I got busy, did a little marketing, doubled my traffic and kind of forgot about that promise (understandably, as my trading account was getting f*cked up like the gangsters’ shins in Shallow Grave)….then people started reminding me of the comment….and so I launched the contest last week, to what I considered to be considerable (Navy-issue double redundancy) fanfare.

And pretty much nothing happened.  Sure, T-Diddy is gonna name his kid Chilly Wodzina.  And Sam is more interested in Big Kats than an iPad.  The only person who really stepped up with sincere value-add (since I know T-Diddy is a f-cking lying d-ck) is Ben from Australia.  Check this out:  Yeah, suckas, straight up Facebook.  I guess that means I’ve gotta get on that business.

I’m gonna be honest, we just got our iPad last week, and it is sweet.  Watching The Battle for Kruger National, you feel like you are the baby buffalo, with a croc on your ass and five lions on your head and torso.  Its form factor makes the dudes who designed the Audi R8 jealous.  Plus, you can act like a complete d-ck when you whip it out in the coffee shop.  But you gotta step up your games.  I’m serious, this is gonna be the easiest sh-t ever for Ben from Australia if nobody steps up.  Getting in the game is easy, but you f-ckers are apparently lazy and don’t want a free iPad from someone who is even willing to pay the f-cking postage (even to Oz, Ben).

Some suggestions:

1.  Follow me on Twitter – say “Hey, I’d like a free iPad” and then retweet my iPad contest.  Tell your friends to follow me and say “[Person X] sent me this way.”  Hell, you can even say “you’re a d-ck” and still at least throw your hat into the ring.

2.  Leave a comment here and direct like-minded individuals to do the same – I will tabulate this stuff so you don’t have to.

3.  Facebook – I’ve never used it because of my interest in preserving my anonymity, but I will figure it out.  Go there and friend some sh-t or something.

4.  Stumbleupon – This is for the dorkier folks out there, stumble upon some stuff here (I’ve gotta figure out if I can track that easily, I’m not sure I can – don’t be shy if you do something, you’re trying to win a free extremely small but awesome netsurfing machine)

5.  Email me with good ideas for posts (seriously, I’m hurtin)

6.  Send me one (or several) of these:

I probably only need 6-12 of them

7.  Remind me of how the Braves are kicking the sh-t out of the Mets this year

8.  Project for me how the 49ers are gonna step out of the shadows and win the Super Bowl this year (as teams coming off 8-8 seasons have done two of the last three years – this may be tough to do with a straight face)

9.  Buy me an ice cream sandwich (Skinny Cow has proven a highly delectable yet low cal brand) or some Sour Patch Kids (never had them before last month, could easily eat 18 bags of them at a sitting)

10.  Tell any friends with similar sensibilities to do the same (requires selfless friends who want to do something for you, at little to no expense (other than wasted time) to themselves – may be difficult to find such people).

We can’t make this too easy for Ben.  Americans (I would say Canadians, too, but seriously, we all know Canadians cannot compete on any surface but ice) step up your game.  Let’s make this a war.

(Note: Perhaps I shouldn’t have had four of those little bottles of wine on the way back from Memphis – but they were f-ing tasty.  And, I got a buyback on the last one, so it’s really like I had three.  Sure, we drank all the vodka in the house and finished the bottle of firefly, but we just spent four days in Arkansas.  We were due.)

Something juicy is in the works – who’s the hottest chick on Mad Men?  I’m sensing a surprise winner….



19 thoughts on “How To Win a Free iPad: A User’s Guide

  1. Holy German racehorses- I’ve been mentioned in a post. That is pretty super. I also left the very first comment EVER on the new Facebook site’s wall, and while that probably doesn’t nudge me past Ben for the lead, I think it should secure second-place. Is there a second-place prize? There should be. It should be a sweet treat. Possibly a candy bar. Perchance a candy bar that is a larger, heartier version of another candy bar.

    After you pronounced me your new fat, funny white guy pal (another resume’ bullet point that really ought to give me an edge on that one Ben guy), I got to thinking: what would I write about if I was Chilly18? I’m a fan of your lists, and I’m a fan of living in imaginary alternate universes, so you should come up with some material along these lines (because I’m a fan of them). Like, I was wondering: what would be the best NBA team consisting only of players who were born in other countries? Or the starting lineup of the all-time MLB team comprised of players who appeared in exactly one all-star game? Does anyone else actually wonder about these things?

    I’ma start sharing your site with my friends, partially because I’m concerned about the contest (particularly that excellent runner-up prize), and partially because you deserve the traffic.

  2. I like the Mad Men idea but would hold it for later in the year. With Don being single, they are going to parade a lot of -ss in this season. I would go with the top 10 Mad Men drinking scenes. There’s Don killing a 12 pack before Sally’s birthday party (where he bails). There’s DB Peter downing a few before heading to Peggy’s place for a little something. And, of course, there’s Don getting revenge on Roger with a few dozen oysters and lunchtime martinis. I could keep going but think I’ll leave the rest for you.

    And, please, can you watch “The League” already? There’s some serious material there and we’re only about 6 weeks from the new season.

  3. I also want a post on “Foods that should exist”.

    I don’t know why I can’t get:
    – PB&J taco at the Bell
    – Kahlua snickers
    – Japanese Teriyaki chicken (the ones in the food court) burritos
    – Wine ice cream (actually just googled this and it exists)
    – Coconut Reese’s cups
    – Margarita Trucks (technically not a new food just a new delivery mechanism…instead of the ice cream music, they could play Buffet)

    The list could go on for quite a while.

  4. Good concept – I have always wanted a strong shot of booze that tastes like a burrito. Also a PB&J shot would be tasty….you are killing me with that teriyaki burrito though – you could easily do that….i’m probably hitting AC this weekend and will stop at Borgata just for HIBACHI-SAN! I might take a tortilla and some cheese to make the burritiyaki happen.

  5. Fair point, maybe I’ll make it a Season 1-3 retrospective since the volume of previously undiscovered babes this season is likely to be off the charts…haven’t seen the first ep of the new season yet, need to prepare the bar first….

  6. Hey chilly17! I would love love LOVE to win an iPad! I’m actually a broke college student in the US (does this get me more points than Ben from Australia??) and have been searching online for ways to win an iPad since I don’t have the means to do so. With that being said, I’ve been on a lot sweepstakes sites and have found that a lot of people enter these kinds of things (which is another reason why I really really want to win this iPad from you- I don’t really have a chance with the bigger contests). I think if you submit this contest to websites like (as a blog sweep) or, you could get a lot of traffic! I think if you get people to come and subscribe to your twitter or facebook (or whatever you want) to enter your contest, then people will keep coming back! However, I only suggesting and don’t REALLY want you to do that because it’ll ruin my chances… again! But, how do I stand against Ben from Australia now?

  7. If someone really wanted to win they could gather national media attention by petting a bunch of rabbits and calling themselves “Son of Chilly”.

    By petting I mean killing and by rabbits I mean homeless people.

    Its just an idea.

  8. Another reminder that T-Diddy is not an appropriate trustee for charities for the underprivileged.

  9. If I walk into a fancy Manhattan wine bar, order a 1987 Bordeaux, plop down the bottle-glass above, and say “Fill ‘er up”…would that get me the iPad?? A video of this needs to be on YouTube by the weekend.

    How many manpointz for that?

  10. That’s a pretty strong idea…I need to get my hands on one of these first though…major would have to confirm, but I believe bringing your own bottle-sized wine glass to an upscale wine bar would be somewhere in the neighborhood of +12 manpointz…

  11. Will take a look at those spots, Jenny – don’t sweat it, you’ll get due credit if I use those.

  12. The ’87 has to be a quality ’87. And, none of this Chinese sh-t of mixing it with Coke. I’m not into the $500 glass of soda and Bordeaux. Shoot the video of it and will upload it to H-ll, we’ll even put an entry into the iPhone app for you and give you credit. Chilly will have to determine how far this gets you in the iPad contest. Damn, I thought it was 5 o’clock and time for a beer but the clock says 4. Oh well, we’ll get an hour early start today.

  13. People mix wine and coke? Who? I’ve never heard of that….I’m waiting until 7:30 for some So You Think You Can Dance? and a couple of bottles of Menage…

  14. Jenny, I’ve got one up on you – I’m a broke graduate who’s trying to make a living in freelance journalism. In Australia, where the industry is about 100,000 times smaller than the US. Don’t think you can get one over on me due to pity!

  15. Chilly! wow, looks like giving away an expensive piece of equipment really brings out the comments. I’ve been on vacation for a couple weeks and out of the loop.

    I’ll be back with a vengeance now. Thanks for the shout out:

    I just put more coin in your pocket today (curse the necessary evil that is amazon). I think doing so even before this contest began should count for something. Got to remember who your supporters were before you became a nationwide phenomenon and got your own baller facebook page.

  16. Where’d you go for vacation? I’m guessing it wasn’t Arkansas, the Land of Opportunity?

  17. Not this time, saving AK for my next R&R destination.

    Went to magical Florida. To my surprise, the streets were not paved in gold, milk nor honey was flowing from the marshes, and a chorus of angels was not audible wherever I went. So from what was expected, I guess LeBron’s arrival was a bit of a let down.

    And a pox on your ancestors BP, every restaurant made it clear that you are the cause of jacked up fish and crab leg prices throughout FL.

  18. Probably a little toasty in Florida, no? Was in Ark two weeks ago and it was hotter than hell.

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