One of the perks of the bling bling laid off lifestyle is that I have ample time to pursue my hobbies of drinking and watching television – neither a truly solitary pursuit. One of the drawbacks of being old is that all my contemporaries are myopically focused on matters such as marriage, children, “the future” and all that – practically none of my old crew is willing to get drunk at noon on a random Tuesday for no reason. Everybody’s all “I’ve gotta work” or “I live in Cleveland.” All too often, I have to Wooderson it up with folks 2/3 my age to have any shot at a Goldschlager drinkoff or an unplanned bus ride to AC. I need new friends – here’s what I’m looking for.
Sagacious, Heavyset Older Black Dude – Coach Mo (The Biggest Loser)
If you’ve ever seen The Biggest Loser, you’ve surely noticed that everyone in the house always loves the older black dude, be it Coach Mo or Unc O-Neal or whoever. Those dudes share their wisdom and life lessons, have a gentle sense of humor and an optimistic vision of the future. Plus, they would probably totally enjoy drinking boozed-up Arnold Palmers and playing some dominos. I gotta go with Coach Mo here, because Unc’s relationship with Sunshine was a little too weird. (Note: this slot would totally have gone to Christopher “Big Black” Boykin before he went and had a kid – that guy appeared to eat as many tortilla-based foods as I do, plus was down with doing any kind of stupid sh-t.)
Platonic Hottie Friend – Cat Deeley (So You Think You Can Dance and, no, it totally isn’t ghey to watch that show – few other shows feature nubile chicks dancing in their underwear)
Cat Deeley is the strangest of creatures: she’s clearly way hot, but her nurturing bubbliness somehow renders her almost asexual. She’d be perfect for the crew: she’s good at consoling people who’ve f*cked up, she’s tall enough to play power forward in a pinch, and she says “er” instead of “a” at the end of words that end with “a”. And, she doesn’t appear to be too bothered by extremely sweaty people. (Note: it would be hilarious if Cat was a total bitch in real life, because she honestly seems like she might be a living saint onscreen.)
Ex-Soldier With A Nickname – Poot from The Wire
It woulda been my boy Bodie, but Bodie got himself shot. Being an ex-soldier from a different Street, I respect that Poot got out of the game and got a sensible job at Foot Locker. I also know he’d be happy to hop the bus to AC on a moment’s notice – the ride from B-more isn’t that long. And with that hairline, there’s always something to bust on him about. I’m not even gonna hold it against him that he shot Wallace, since Wallace somehow got reincarnated into a pretty annoying quarterback on FNL.
Idea Guy/Muscle – Mac from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia
Tranny-banging aside, Mac has had plenty of solid ideas marred by poor execution on Always Sunny. As the proprietor of a free blog and a trading account that has dropped 15% this week (come on by and kick me in the nads – everybody’s doing it), I could use some help in the money-making schemes department. There are already synergies with his YouTube daredevil videos. Plus, he is an expert martial artist, which is always handy.
Funny Fat Guy – John Caparulo
Saw his standup last New Year’s eve, the guy is hilarious and he’d definitely be down with an impromptu trip to Taco Bell. And let’s face it, if I don’t add somebody like this to the crew, then I’m the funny fat guy. (Well, the fat guy, at least.)
Naive Pretty Boy With Weird Hair – Kyle from Party Down
Everybody needs a friend you can get to believe stuff that isn’t true, because that kind of humor never gets stale. Plus, he gets lots of ladies, and Cat’ll probably need somebody to talk to when no one’s sweaty or depressed. And he has great access to wine and food from the catering gig – not sure if they’ve ever drank Yellow Tail on Party Down, but seems like a perfect fit (drinkable with great tanins).
Surprisingly Chill DJ With Weird Hair – Pauly D
Pauly D was by far the best part of Jersey Shore – funny guy, didn’t get caught up in any drama and was just there to have a great time. That’s what my new posse’s gonna be all about – we might even call ourselves the No Drama Crew. Might have to add Mary J. Blige, though. Anyway, I cannot imagine a social situation which wouldn’t be improved by the presence of Pauly D.
Indian Guy Who I Inexplicably Left Off Of My Funny Indians List – Dave from Flight of the Conchords
Every crew needs a sh-ttalker and every crew needs a pawn shop owner; Dave is both. Pawn shop owners always have the most hilarious stories. (Note: Flight, how about at least another hour special? Anything?)
Person Who Says “Donka Do Balls” When In Police Custody – Donka Do Balls Lady
I actually just want to try to get to the same place she was at that night. Just once.