I Need New Friends

I Need New Friends

One of the perks of the bling bling laid off lifestyle is that I have ample time to pursue my hobbies of drinking and watching television – neither a truly solitary pursuit.  One of the drawbacks of being old is that all my contemporaries are myopically focused on matters such as marriage, children, “the future” and all that – practically none of my old crew is willing to get drunk at noon on a random Tuesday for no reason.  Everybody’s all “I’ve gotta work” or “I live in Cleveland.” All too often, I have to Wooderson it up with folks 2/3 my age to have any shot at a Goldschlager drinkoff or an unplanned bus ride to AC.  I need new friends – here’s what I’m looking for.

Sagacious, Heavyset Older Black Dude – Coach Mo (The Biggest Loser)

I'm almost certain he plays craps, too

If you’ve ever seen The Biggest Loser, you’ve surely noticed that everyone in the house always loves the older black dude, be it Coach Mo or Unc O-Neal or whoever.  Those dudes share their wisdom and life lessons, have a gentle sense of humor and an optimistic vision of the future.  Plus, they would probably totally enjoy drinking boozed-up Arnold Palmers and playing some dominos.  I gotta go with Coach Mo here, because Unc’s relationship with Sunshine was a little too weird.  (Note: this slot would totally have gone to Christopher “Big Black” Boykin before he went and had a kid – that guy appeared to eat as many tortilla-based foods as I do, plus was down with doing any kind of stupid sh-t.)

Platonic Hottie Friend – Cat Deeley (So You Think You Can Dance and, no, it totally isn’t ghey to watch that show – few other shows feature nubile chicks dancing in their underwear)

Too sweet to even consider banging

Cat Deeley is the strangest of creatures: she’s clearly way hot, but her nurturing bubbliness somehow renders her almost asexual.  She’d be perfect for the crew: she’s good at consoling people who’ve f*cked up, she’s tall enough to play power forward in a pinch, and she says “er” instead of “a” at the end of words that end with “a”.  And, she doesn’t appear to be too bothered by extremely sweaty people.  (Note: it would be hilarious if Cat was a total bitch in real life, because she honestly seems like she might be a living saint onscreen.)

Ex-Soldier With A Nickname – Poot from The Wire

Worth it for the Omar stories alone

It woulda been my boy Bodie, but Bodie got himself shot.  Being an ex-soldier from a different Street, I respect that Poot got out of the game and got a sensible job at Foot Locker.  I also know he’d be happy to hop the bus to AC on a moment’s notice – the ride from B-more isn’t that long.  And with that hairline, there’s always something to bust on him about.  I’m not even gonna hold it against him that he shot Wallace, since Wallace somehow got reincarnated into a pretty annoying quarterback on FNL.

Idea Guy/Muscle – Mac from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia

Plus, he knows Green Man

Tranny-banging aside, Mac has had plenty of solid ideas marred by poor execution on Always Sunny.  As the proprietor of a free blog and a trading account that has dropped 15% this week (come on by and kick me in the nads – everybody’s doing it), I could use some help in the money-making schemes department.  There are already synergies with his YouTube daredevil videos.  Plus, he is an expert martial artist, which is always handy.

Funny Fat Guy – John Caparulo

Midwest sensibilities add perspective and insight

Saw his standup last New Year’s eve, the guy is hilarious and he’d definitely be down with an impromptu trip to Taco Bell.  And let’s face it, if I don’t add somebody like this to the crew, then I’m the funny fat guy.  (Well, the fat guy, at least.)

Naive Pretty Boy With Weird Hair – Kyle from Party Down

Slashed: singer/actor/caterer

Everybody needs a friend you can get to believe stuff that isn’t true, because that kind of humor never gets stale.  Plus, he gets lots of ladies, and Cat’ll probably need somebody to talk to when no one’s sweaty or depressed.  And he has great access to wine and food from the catering gig – not sure if they’ve ever drank Yellow Tail on Party Down, but seems like a perfect fit (drinkable with great tanins).

Surprisingly Chill DJ With Weird Hair – Pauly D

He even likes American cars

Pauly D was by far the best part of Jersey Shore – funny guy, didn’t get caught up in any drama and was just there to have a great time.  That’s what my new posse’s gonna be all about – we might even call ourselves the No Drama Crew.  Might have to add Mary J. Blige, though.  Anyway, I cannot imagine a social situation which wouldn’t be improved by the presence of Pauly D.

Indian Guy Who I Inexplicably Left Off Of My Funny Indians List – Dave from Flight of the Conchords

Still lives at home, so pretty much always available to hang out

Every crew needs a sh-ttalker and every crew needs a pawn shop owner; Dave is both.  Pawn shop owners always have the most hilarious stories.  (Note: Flight, how about at least another hour special?  Anything?)

Person Who Says “Donka Do Balls” When In Police Custody –  Donka Do Balls Lady

No caption needed - the picture says it all

I actually just want to try to get to the same place she was at that night.  Just once.



15 thoughts on “I Need New Friends

  1. Phenomenal! We have pretty much the same tastes. 100% agree about the Donka Do Balls lady & O’Neal’s creepy relationship with Sunshine.

  2. I need to watch that show – only caught one episode last season. I am genetically programmed to think favorably about anything named “taco”.

  3. I really hope to bump into the donka lady at some point….problem is, I think she lives in Minnesota…still might be worth making a move…

  4. Chilly, you got to write more. I have to go to the fridge for another beer every time I check the website and there’s no update. For f*ck sake, you don’t have a job. Go grab a glass of Yellow Tail for inspiration and write. Topics to consider:

    – Shit My Dad Says going from a Twitter account to a TV series with Shattner (right in your TV wheelhouse)
    – M&Ms coming out with a coconut flavor (right in your candy bar wheelhouse)
    – Veev – the new Açaí spirit that tastes great but lacks the punch (right in your alcohol wheelhouse)
    – Massachusetts voting to allow 3 casinos, 1 in Boston (right in your gambling wheelhouse)

  5. Major – I’ll try to do better, any manpointz in it for me?

    I have to do some reading up on the other items (casinos in Boston? Was the assault rate falling too much in Beantown? Assault charges will surely skyrocket. Will they have craps?) but the Sh*t My Dad Says story is pretty phenomenal. The guy was a writer for Maxim (paragon of literary integrity), so it wasn’t like he was just a random dude with a great idea – there was some talent involved in capturing the essence in 140 characters. Amazing story.

  6. There could be a few Man Pointz in it for you. Let’s see how solid the material is first. There’s some chance we should have a mid week rager and head down to AC this week (readers, please take note).

    And, do you really think it takes talent to write for Maxim?

  7. Pretty damn fat, but also pretty damn funny. I think I have the damn market cornered on both damn attributes.

  8. Alright, you’re in…might need you to guest post to test your funny chops…what’s pissing you off these days, Sam?

  9. Oh, snappity snap! I just discovered that you replied to my post, like, two weeks ago. Sorry for the delay…I’ve been…in…prison? Yup, I’m hard.

    Anyhow, I’m intrigued at the idea of a potential guest post, but I’m not sure I have the skillz to be an ‘angry rant’-type of poster. I’m more of a jolly, good-time kind of cat. What would be the hypothetical subject-matter boundaries of an effective guest post? (This is a question all responsible website owners should have a ready-made answer for)

  10. Don’t worry about a blog post – you are the current frontrunner for an iPad (32 Gig 3G model)!

  11. No wayz! I tell you what- if I win, I will gladly forego said
    i-device and accept a 36-count box of Big Kat candy bars (available on Amazon for the low price of 18 bucks, which I THINK is cheaper than an iPad). I’m not even kidding. Ever since your piece on candy bars, all I want is a Big Kat, and apparently, every candy vendor in the great state of Texas has decided to stop carrying them. I just can’t bring myself to order them online (something about buying food from the internet just says ‘Okay, fat, you win.’), so this arrangement would work out for both of us. I get my Kat fix, and you save money, which can be invested back into your blingity-bling lifestyle.

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