Just as the free-falling sands of time have wrought havoc with my social circle, so to have they pummeled my immediate family, all of whom are older – and lamer – than me. Seriously, not one of them was interested in having a Goldschlager-drinking competition at my dad’s 76th birthday get-together. Can you ever really outgrow horrific-tasting, overly-spirituous cinnamon schnapps? About the only thing I can do with my family members is pray – and, even then, I am only praying for a desired outcome in a gambling event. (Hard eight!) Anyway, if I can shake the etch-a-sketch and just remake my roster of friends, I see no reason not to start over with family – blood might be thicker than water, but it’s thinner than an ethernet cable.
My New Mom – Tami Taylor (Friday Night Lights)
The ages are a little tricky, but bear with me. Sure, in real life, Tami would have to have gotten pregnant with me at age one month, which would be pretty young, even by Arkansas standards. But, if you adjust for immaturity, I’m probably only about 26 – so she could’ve gotten knocked up at 16 or so, that’s certainly plausible. Tami’s the perfect mom: loving, thoughtful, patient, strict, drinks a lot of wine, lives by her own moral code, probably is a costumed crime fighter after hours. And, she is pretty tolerant of outbursts of yelling and insensitive heat-of-the-moment commentary – desirable maternal qualities, all.
My New Dad – Mick (Gavin & Stacey)
Unless you’re down with BBC America, you might not be too familiar with Mick, but, trust me, he’s the man. The voice of reason and fun at parties? He probably wouldn’t always say “when are you going back to work?” and “I hope you don’t need any money.” And, he likes Indian food, so vindaloo wouldn’t be off-limits. (While I’m at it, I’d change home base from Arkansas to somewhere more cosmopolitan, like Tulsa. You can’t get a good vindaloo in Arkansas.)
F-ck-Up Older Brother – Leon Black (Curb Your Enthusiasm)
The sibling situation is a tricky one – I’d clearly want to stand out from the pack, but still have some cool people to hang out with during family events. Also, worldliness would come in handy, in case I was looking for advice in an uneasy situation. For example, when trying to decide whether it’s “fount” or “font” in the caption above, Leon would have likely suggested that I trace the origins back to the original Latin and then make my own call, as style guides have nothing to say on the matter and public opinion on the matter is split. (Note: I would also accept Leon Black, rich hedge fund guy as a potential brother (or father, for that matter.))
Responsible Older Brother – Hank Schrader (Breaking Bad)
Despite wanting to stand out, I will still need somebody to help me fight some Mexican drug lords, if the situation arises. Hank has a strong history of taking out cartel hit men, and is pretty oblivious to other stuff going on around him, so you could probably f-ck with him a lot. Solid big brother material.
F-ck-Up (Slightly) Younger Brother – Gob Bluth (Arrested Development)
I was considering Tim Riggins here – it’s always nice to have an ugly little brother whose ass you can always kick – but then I figured his smoldering would likely get too much familial sympathy. I need somebody more like Gob, who garnered about as much support as Meg Griffin. (Interesting that Gob was portrayed as the oldest brother, even though Michael is older IRL – that’s apparently the curse of the widow’s peak.) Anybody who can perform illusions, sounds exactly like my old colleague Cranky, and is a blend of insecurity and overconfidence can grab a branch of my family tree any day.
Sass-Talking Little Sister – Sally Draper (Mad Men)
I’m the youngest in my brick-and-mortar family, so it would be pretty sweet to finally have a little sister. But, I don’t want one of those sh-tty little babies that gets all the benefits of being the youngest without having to deal with any of the BS that everybody else went through. (Accusations that I will forever deny.) So I’d want a kid like Sally, that’s opinionated enough to always be in a bit of hot water and would never replace me in Tami’s eyes. (The only downside to Sally, there may be a little too much “there’s something wrong with Esther” potential. Also, these quotes.)
Fun Older Sister
This is a tough one – I need someone who enjoys having a few drinks, isn’t afraid to embrace life and take a few chances, someone with the perspective to offer me guidance in times of need. Someone who’s been in jail.
I guess there’s only one choice…