I Need A New Family

I Need A New Family

Just as the free-falling sands of time have wrought havoc with my social circle, so to have they pummeled my immediate family, all of whom are older – and lamer – than me.  Seriously, not one of them was interested in having a Goldschlager-drinking competition at my dad’s 76th birthday get-together.  Can you ever really outgrow horrific-tasting, overly-spirituous cinnamon schnapps?  About the only thing I can do with my family members is pray – and, even then, I am only praying for a desired outcome in a gambling event.  (Hard eight!)  Anyway, if I can shake the etch-a-sketch and just remake my roster of friends, I see no reason not to start over with family – blood might be thicker than water, but it’s thinner than an ethernet cable.

My New Mom – Tami Taylor (Friday Night Lights)

No harm including Julie, too - just no Gracie Belle

The ages are a little tricky, but bear with me.  Sure, in real life, Tami would have to have gotten pregnant with me at age one month, which would be pretty young, even by Arkansas standards.  But, if you adjust for immaturity, I’m probably only about 26 – so she could’ve gotten knocked up at 16 or so, that’s certainly plausible.  Tami’s the perfect mom: loving, thoughtful, patient, strict, drinks a lot of wine, lives by her own moral code, probably is a costumed crime fighter after hours.  And, she is pretty tolerant of outbursts of yelling and insensitive heat-of-the-moment commentary – desirable maternal qualities, all.

My New Dad – Mick  (Gavin & Stacey)

He'd be down for a reasonable amount of Goldschlager

Unless you’re down with BBC America, you might not be too familiar with Mick, but, trust me, he’s the man.  The voice of reason and fun at parties?  He probably wouldn’t always say “when are you going back to work?” and “I hope you don’t need any money.”  And, he likes Indian food, so vindaloo wouldn’t be off-limits.  (While I’m at it, I’d change home base from Arkansas to somewhere more cosmopolitan, like Tulsa.  You can’t get a good vindaloo in Arkansas.)

F-ck-Up Older Brother – Leon Black (Curb Your Enthusiasm)

A fount of good advice and life lessons

The sibling situation is a tricky one – I’d clearly want to stand out from the pack, but still have some cool people to hang out with during family events.  Also, worldliness would come in handy, in case I was looking for advice in an uneasy situation.  For example, when trying to decide whether it’s “fount” or “font” in the caption above, Leon would have likely suggested that I trace the origins back to the original Latin and then make my own call, as style guides have nothing to say on the matter and public opinion on the matter is split.  (Note: I would also accept Leon Black, rich hedge fund guy as a potential brother (or father, for that matter.))

Responsible Older Brother – Hank Schrader (Breaking Bad)

Got to have a sibling with worse hair (and that I could borrow money from in a pinch)

Despite wanting to stand out, I will still need somebody to help me fight some Mexican drug lords, if the situation arises.  Hank has a strong history of taking out cartel hit men, and is pretty oblivious to other stuff going on around him, so you could probably f-ck with him a lot.  Solid big brother material.

F-ck-Up (Slightly) Younger Brother – Gob Bluth (Arrested Development)

Magicians and segways aren't bad things to have around

I was considering Tim Riggins here – it’s always nice to have an ugly little brother whose ass you can always kick – but then I figured his smoldering would likely get too much familial sympathy.  I need somebody more like Gob, who garnered about as much support as Meg Griffin.  (Interesting that Gob was portrayed as the oldest brother, even though Michael is older IRL – that’s apparently the curse of the widow’s peak.)  Anybody who can perform illusions, sounds exactly like my old colleague Cranky, and is a blend of insecurity and overconfidence can grab a branch of my family tree any day.

Sass-Talking Little Sister –  Sally Draper (Mad Men)

Not as sweet as the picture suggests

I’m the youngest in my brick-and-mortar family, so it would be pretty sweet to finally have a little sister.  But, I don’t want one of those sh-tty little babies that gets all the benefits of being the youngest without having to deal with any of the BS that everybody else went through.  (Accusations that I will forever deny.)  So I’d want a kid like Sally, that’s opinionated enough to always be in a bit of hot water and would never replace me in Tami’s eyes.  (The only downside to Sally, there may be a little too much “there’s something wrong with Esther” potential.  Also, these quotes.)

Fun Older Sister

This is a tough one – I need someone who enjoys having a few drinks, isn’t afraid to embrace life and take a few chances, someone with the perspective to offer me guidance in times of need.  Someone who’s been in jail.

I guess there’s only one choice…

There's a small chance we were separated at birth anyway




4 thoughts on “I Need A New Family

  1. Chilly – I thought I’d be on your new family list. I’m the smarter, better looking, more largely hung younger brother. I think spending 3 years living together on a submarine, breathing each others farts qualifies me for new family member status. Plus, I’ve offered to let you live in my basement when you are old and gray and penniless. None of your ring knocker buddies are going to hook you up like that. I expect a birthday present now (since I’m family and all). I’d like an Xbox – and a hooker – thanks bro!

  2. Yeah – keep that basement tidy, mr. market has been unkind this morning. I suppose i could give you either a ps3 or a wii, since we really don’t play enough games to justify having both. actually, i’ll just bring both to the basement and you can say they’re yours. as you live in michigan, i’m pretty sure the hookers avail themselves constantly – send me the bill. (I’m assuming they’re all $30 or less).

  3. chillz – how big is this pretend family of yours?? Are you Irish Catholic (asks the Irish Catholic-lite girl) or is this just how you roll in Arkansas? 😉

  4. It’s a very reasonably-sized family for Arkansas – the norm around her is to have 3-4 kids by the time you are 17, to eradicate any hopes and dreams one might have. I still want to meet the Donka Doo Balls lady, I’m absolutely certain there’s a brother-sister bond there.

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