Potential New Career: Nation-Touring, Ferrari-Driving Crime-Solver

Potential New Career: Nation-Touring, Ferrari-Driving Crime-Solver

Despite all the free iPad hoopla, the ole blog-writing motivation is sitting at dangerously low levels. All the social networking, the typing – the apparently death-accelerating sitting – it’s just getting to be too much.   So I’m back to reviewing my options.  Some recent toenail issues have greatly reduced my chances of foot modeling, and setting up a food cart in NYC is about as novel an idea in 2010 as starting a blog was in 2009.  Sure, I’ve still got consumer advocate chops, but with emergence of all the Trader Joe’s in NYC, fair prices abound, and Gristedes – the Moriarity to any consumer advocate of merit – will likely be bankrupt in six months.  (I did have some interest in being the End-of-Line Identifier at Trader Joe’s – the person who holds up a stick with a sign that says “Line Starts Here” since the lines generally weave throughout the entire store – but, sadly, at the one that just opened in my hood, the stick was just leaning against the wall.  Orderly lines prevailed, not wildly weaving lines, so no need for the stick or the EOTLI himself.)

So I’ve had to consider other potential opportunities.  One area of interest for me has always been crime-solving – particularly the work of the great detectives, like Columbo or Batman.  I’ve always wanted to own an Italian car as well, so combining the two seems natural.  I could drive around the country solving crimes and meeting new people in the relative anonymity of a Ferrari.  I’ve even decided on my catch phrase: “Well what have I gotten myself into now?  It’s gonna be a chilly week in Miami.”  When I say “chilly” I’ll put a little extra emphasis combined with a slight Steve Austin eyebrow raise.  I might also try to work “seventeen” in all the time, as kind of a second partial catch phrase, more like a signature line.

Example repartee:

Crime victim:  “Chilly, have you ever seen this before?”

Me:  “Only about seventeen times.”


Cmon, Magnum - you gotta step up your caliper game!


This all might sound a little Magnum, PI-ey to you, but there are some key differences between me and Thomas Magnum:

  1. Although we are both Naval Academy graduates, I was a submarine officer; Magnum was a SEAL
  2. Magnum had a bushy mustache; mine is pencil-thin
  3. Magnum drove a Ferrari 308 GTS; I’m going for a tasteful 360 Spider (yes, I realize that is now 2 generations old, but I somewhat prefer the 360 to the 430 and the new one is unrealistic unless I can convince 100,000 people to buy a new tractor via my Amazon link)
  4. Magnum’s car didn’t have yellow brake calipers; mine will
  5. Magnum wore a Rolex GMT Master; I wear a Ralex Sunmariner (just as good and much cheaper)
  6. Magnum lived a static life in Hawaii; I will live a dynamic life, visiting a new city every week, and hopefully meeting interesting people like Jon Lovitz and Sela Ward
  7. Magnum received income from an unseen benefactor; I’m hoping to get cash money from people whose crimes I’ve solved
  8. Magnum drinks Coops Beer; I prefer Yellow Tail Cab/Shiraz blend
  9. Magnum has never seen even one episode of The Wire; I have seen every episode of The Wire
  10. Magnum is fictional; I am real (if pseudonymous)

While I still have some pondering to do, there are a few drawbacks to the plan that I can see in the early stages:

  1. SO has expressed little interest in investing $80k in the joint venture that would own the car.  Not sure what the concern is, I’m gonna kick in the rest and then she will surely get most all of that back when the car is sold.  It’s pretty much zero risk.  (I would handle it all myself, but I’m having some cash flow problems.  Actually, to be more accurate, I’m having some cash inflow problems.  Outflows are going strong.)
  2. Despite planning on majoring in criminology during my first college stint (GPA: 0.00), I have little experience in solving crimes, other than identifying who ate the last fruit rollup or who is violating the rules of the gym.
  3. By most accounts, the Ferrari 360 is pretty uncomfortable during long haul rides, so I will have to carefully plan my itinerary.

I’m gonna go get some books on detectiving,



14 thoughts on “Potential New Career: Nation-Touring, Ferrari-Driving Crime-Solver

  1. You could work your way into the MTV circuit by solving daily crimes that seem to follow the Jersey Shore kids. I’m sure they will be in a different city every season so you can put the 360 to good use (if you can refrain from driving over the cast).

    And your witty “Grissom-esque” chilly lines will gain much more exposure on camera than if you sit alone in your Ferrari reciting and raising our eyebrows like an epileptic.

    Got a custom detective or crime-fighter uniform made yet to go with your Ralex?

  2. Perfect. Add on a sleeve of those silly bandz if you really want to be scene.

    I like the incorporation of not one, but TWO chilly lists within a single post. Impressive, sir.

  3. I’ve got a job for you in Detroit (think Axel Foley). My yellow labrador has lost her tennis ball and I’ll pay $3 plus free room and board at casa Diddy for you to find it.

    I’m pretty sure it rolled under the back fence, so it should be an easy gig.

  4. Not to be picky Chilly but wasn’t it the Rock who raised his eyebrows not Steve Austin?….and yes I do watch too much wrestling.

  5. Ahhh, youth…..I considered adding a note indicating I meant Steve Austin – “The Six Million Dollar Man”, not “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Think red tracksuits, not staged quasi-homoerotic grappling…although, in my youth I did watch the famous Andy Kaufman/Jerry Lawler feud…Memphis wrestling was pretty solid.

  6. I actually thought you might have been talking about the “6 Million Dollar Man” but I figured that if you were going to reference Lee Majors you would have used “The Fall Guy” (a bounty hunter is close to a detective …no?)

  7. I didn’t watch too much Fall Guy – other than to check out Heather Thomas in her prime, of course – did he do as much eyebrow arching? I had a lot of 6MDM gear as a kid, so that’s more in my mind’s eye.

  8. I know this doesn’t relate to the current topic, but I have to thank you for the Brooks Brothers advice http://wastedpotentialz.com/2009/04/wall-street-tierarchy/

    More specifically bringing to light their return policy. Took back 2 shirts (no receipt, tag, packaging) that were obviously worn and told them that i needed a different fit. Guy quickly replaced them with 2 new shirts although I could tell be was a little upset by the way he lingered to make sure I was okay with a point collar and not a buttoned one. “Yes, for the 5th time, point is FINE”

    Guess its worth to spend some extra $ for that kind of company customer care.

  9. Yeah, they’re awesome, but it makes you wonder what the cost of a shirt really is if they’re so happy to give new ones back for used ones without batting an eye.

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    Do you have any solutions?

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