I Invented The Least Fun Game In The World

I Invented The Least Fun Game In The World

I finally watched Hoosiers for the first time a couple weeks ago.  Frankly, it didn’t do a whole lot for me – seemed like pretty standard underdog-comes-through sports fare.  Maybe the problem was that I watched it in a hotel, but I didn’t really feel the apparently-powerful bond developing between players and hard-ass coach.  And, also, they basically got saved by basketball savant Jimmy Chitwood deciding to play and then scoring like 73 points in the title game.  Whatever, during the movie I did invent the least fun game you will ever play.

I call this game Do I Look Older Than Gene Hackman in Hoosiers? For those of you on the more youthful side of the age scale, you probably spend little time pondering your mortality, much less the relative state of your physical degradation compared to that of a legendary character actor.  But once you pop into your 40s, pack on some fat, find the ratio of hair/head dropping and the ratio of grey/other color hair rising, you start questioning how precipitous your fall has been.  You start doing a little more math, too, like when you hear of somebody having a heart attack and you think “well he was a fat old fucker” and then realize the person in question is five years older than you.

The rules for Do I Look Older Than Gene Hackman in Hoosiers? are pretty simple.

  1. Watch Hoosiers
  2. Say to yourself, “That Norman Dale was a goofy-looking bastard”
  3. Think to yourself, “Wait, how old is this movie?”
  4. Think to yourself, “Wait, how old is Gene Hackman?”
  5. Decide that Gene Hackman is probably 70 and that Hoosiers came out 25 years ago (Note: Going to imdb.com is cheating)
  6. Realize that this means you may be within the same zip code of Gene Hackman’s age when he made Hoosiers
  7. Compare your physical attributes to Gene Hackman’s in the movie
  8. Drink heavily
  9. Decide to turn over a new, healthy leaf (and to get rid of that weird eye fungus thingee once and for all)
  10. Take a Lifetime channel/fetal position shower for roughly two hours

There are other variations on this game for different age groups.  Here are a couple of other examples:

Do I Look More Cadaverous Than Al Davis? (ages 85-133)

I have nothing to add

Does My Baby Look As Weird As Gracie Belle? (ages 20-45 (in Arkansas, ages 13-53))

GB's hair/head ratio is also alarmingly low - don't sweat it though, ugly babies always grow up to be supermodels, according to every supermodel, ever



12 thoughts on “I Invented The Least Fun Game In The World

  1. Al Davis – Holy cow he looks bad!

    How much would a call girl charge to boink Al Davis? I’d like to see the results of that poll.

  2. Seriously, is that photo of Al Davis real? I think when you reach the “open boils on your forehead” stage of life, it’s time to hang it up, or at least stop making personnel decisions for an NFL team.

  3. I thought you were gonna have a little Freudian “I’d like to see the results of that pole” slip…AD is not looking great, but at least he’s insane…

  4. Yeah, that was taken at the press conference where they announced the hiring of Hue Jackson. People used to mockingly call Al “the Crypt Keeper” but now that’s just insulting to the Crypt Keeper.

  5. How is your high powered trading desk doing these days now that it is raised outside capital? I heard SVP say Davis looked bad on the radio the other day, but I had no idea. Damn…

  6. Sambo! What up? Yeah, Al is looking pretty bad…just to be clear, our “fund” isn’t open to external investors at this point, it’s just founders’ money….so I haven’t caused any widows to lose their houses or anything…you think the rams are gonna pick up julio jones in the draft? def need a receiver, although danny amondaldlade3idcahdie88eaola has so far turned out to be better than *&()#*U&* crabtree…(although I guess that crabtree on GB has been good)…

  7. Funny thing – when i was in arkansas a couple years back, a buddy of mine was bemoaning how country his oklahoman wife was…I was like, “could it possibly be worse than here?”…I never confirmed that, but I have to imagine that it’s impossible that OK could have more pregnant-with-their-second-child sixteen year olds than the ‘sas…

    we don’t sweat minor typos here though – we know what you meant…

  8. I was hoping r. broyles would come on out and STL could pick him up…undersized, but tons of heart…but they already have m. clayton so that would be two undersized, OU record holders outside and in the slot…julio is sick…hands of glue…he is a big boi too. Ah, the possibilities.

  9. My thoughts on the “16-pregnant-no teeth-mountain dew for breakfast lifestyle”…I have spent considerable time in OK-KS-MO-AR and they are all pretty much the same except they cheer for different NCAA teams or NFL/MLB/Nascar folks. They all have heart attacks by 40, are in unions or unemployed, consider crystal meth an appetizer, and carry handguns…My kind of people!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.