IHOP Addresses One Of America’s Most Pressing Issues

IHOP Addresses One Of America’s Most Pressing Issues

I want to step back from the normal tedium of this site to congratulate the management of the International House of Pancakes.  In this era of unprecedented corporate greed and unscrupulous business behavior, IHOP has decided to push increased profitability aside to address a social ill: the unfilling nature of their flagship product.  All-You-Can-Eat pancakes are now available at IHOP, meaning you will never again have to deal with embarassing stomach growling noises mere minutes after polishing off a large stack at a breakfast meeting.  Your kids won’t be distracted by hunger pangs in school any more, allowing them to compete on a level playing field with the non-international (house of pancakes-eating) students who aren’t tempted by the facade of pancake fullness but instead ply themselves with fruits and cereals.  IHOP has truly leveled the playing field.

IHOP’s dark corporate secret has long been that pancake consumption is actually a negative caloric event, much like eating raw celery, or retching up a bagel.  While counterintuitive to many, this scientific anomaly makes perfect sense when considered alongside other non-waffle breakfast offerings.  In most cases, the addition of copious amounts of butter and syrup actually increases not only the caloric content of the meal, but also the amount of seratonin secreted.  Serotonin is the chemical that indicates to the brain that the stomach has just eaten something delicious (among other pleasurable sensations, such as watching Intervention).  In the case of pancakes, the combination of butter and syrup instead serve as digestive lubricants, providing neither calories nor serotonin synthesis.  Instead, the seemingly-tasty mixture of flour, eggs and sugar is swiftly moved from one’s mouth to the guntical area of the stomach, not allowing the brain to contemplate feelings of fullness and leaving one feeling as if they haven’t even eaten, only minutes after finishing off four or five of the griddled delights.

Thankfully, IHOP has stepped into the void.  If, instead of the traditional 10-15 minutes, one dedicates 60-75 minutes to nothing but pancake ingestion, one will finally feel full and free from the tyranny of the “dammit-I-just-ate-pancakes-twenty-minutes-ago-and-now-I’m-fucking-starving-again” sensation.  Kudos to you, management of IHOP, for not only being corporate titans, but also concerned citizens.  This is just what we needed.



4 thoughts on “IHOP Addresses One Of America’s Most Pressing Issues

  1. Awesome piece, Chillster. I’ve been saying for years that IHOP’s marketing team is genius for coming up with all-you-can-eat pancakes. Is there a more filling breakfast staple than effing PANCAKES? I think I may go to IHOP soon, order this, and hide all the pancakes in my clothes. I want to see how many trips my waitress will make to the kitchen to get me pancakes before the manager sounds the alarm.

    Haven’t checked in in a while, so it’s awesome to see you’re still writing! I’m still waiting on my case of Big Kats, by the way…

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