1. Determine the latest showtime that will work for the group of people planning to attend – after midnight is best.
2. Arrive at neighborhood bar – on trivia night, if possible – at least five hours prior to showtime.
3. Drink a couple of Stellas.
4. Order some deep-fried food – I’d recommend the boneless wings and mo’ sticks.
5. Do a quick calorie count – if you have consumed over 2,000 calories since entering the bar, switch to vodka/sodas.
6. Determine that counting calories (and sleeping) is foolish and switch to Red Bull and vodkas.
7. Stay on Step 6. for several hours.
8. Have your SO stop at the liquor store to pick up some contraband to smuggle into the movie (kudos if SO brings TWO bottles – one for the theater and one replace the Svedka bottle at home that has become a kick-ass water bottle.)
9. (Optional) Win a free Red Bull and vodka for knowing some shit about architecture.
10. Once you feel that you are completely anesthetized for the painful-if-sober moviegoing experience, head for the theater.
11. Split your group into separate factions: one ticket-purchaser, one food-procurer, one line-stander.
12. Ask everyone in line “Is this the line for Kung Fu Panda 2? I hear that movie’s awesome” in a double-edged attempt to a) be funny, and b) improve your return on DWA options from -175% to -165%.
13. Once inside, order large Diet Sprites (if available) with lots of ice. (Movie theater ice melts immediately upon contact with outside booze. One time when I was a kid we smuggled in some 100 proof vodka that was like $0.35/bottle and all the ice disappeared instantaneously. When I asked the girl to add some ice she dumped everything out and said she’d just give me a refill instead. I think that movie theater still reeks of Prospov 100 proof.)
14. Carefully choose seats that will allow you to pour the drinks discretely while maximizing your distance from people who you will – even in your drunken state – perceive as assholes during the movie.
15. Dominate up to 20 Chicken Mcnuggets before the previews start.
16. Enjoy the show! (I thought it was pretty good despite the terrible reviews, but we were in pretty optimized spirits by the time the movie got going. I don’t remember many specifics other than it was structured exactly like the original, and accessible even to someone who’d consumed way too much Red Bull and way too much vodka. One question, though: WHERE WAS HEATHER GRAHAM!!!!)
17. (Optional) Grab some pizza so that you can continue enjoying some vodka (with diet ginger ale) while watching NewsRadio on Netflix until it’s light outside.
Happy Memorial Day,