1. Determine the latest showtime that will work for the group of people planning to attend – after midnight is best.
2. Arrive at neighborhood bar – on trivia night, if possible – at least five hours prior to showtime.
3. Drink a couple of Stellas.
4. Order some deep-fried food – I’d recommend the boneless wings and mo’ sticks.
5. Do a quick calorie count – if you have consumed over 2,000 calories since entering the bar, switch to vodka/sodas.
6. Determine that counting calories (and sleeping) is foolish and switch to Red Bull and vodkas.
7. Stay on Step 6. for several hours.
8. Have your SO stop at the liquor store to pick up some contraband to smuggle into the movie (kudos if SO brings TWO bottles – one for the theater and one replace the Svedka bottle at home that has become a kick-ass water bottle.)
Is Doug always missing the action part of the joke?
9. (Optional) Win a free Red Bull and vodka for knowing some shit about architecture.
10. Once you feel that you are completely anesthetized for the painful-if-sober moviegoing experience, head for the theater.
11. Split your group into separate factions: one ticket-purchaser, one food-procurer, one line-stander.
12. Ask everyone in line “Is this the line for Kung Fu Panda 2? I hear that movie’s awesome” in a double-edged attempt to a) be funny, and b) improve your return on DWA options from -175% to -165%.
13. Once inside, order large Diet Sprites (if available) with lots of ice. (Movie theater ice melts immediately upon contact with outside booze. One time when I was a kid we smuggled in some 100 proof vodka that was like $0.35/bottle and all the ice disappeared instantaneously. When I asked the girl to add some ice she dumped everything out and said she’d just give me a refill instead. I think that movie theater still reeks of Prospov 100 proof.)
14. Carefully choose seats that will allow you to pour the drinks discretely while maximizing your distance from people who you will – even in your drunken state – perceive as assholes during the movie.
15. Dominate up to 20 Chicken Mcnuggets before the previews start.
16. Enjoy the show! (I thought it was pretty good despite the terrible reviews, but we were in pretty optimized spirits by the time the movie got going. I don’t remember many specifics other than it was structured exactly like the original, and accessible even to someone who’d consumed way too much Red Bull and way too much vodka. One question, though: WHERE WAS HEATHER GRAHAM!!!!)
I'm guessing it wasn't her appearance at the London premier that kept her out of the sequel?
17. (Optional) Grab some pizza so that you can continue enjoying some vodka (with diet ginger ale) while watching NewsRadio on Netflix until it’s light outside.
Happy Memorial Day,
Chilly17
#1 by Sam on June 17th, 2011 - 5:17 am
Nice guide. I actually thought the movie was pretty funny… predictable, yeah, but other one the ultra-disturbing part (if you’ve seen it, you unfortunately know EXACTLY what I’m talking about), it was good fun…and I saw it sober! I pretty much do everything sober these days… well, except for drink. I’ve usually been drinking when I drink.
Off-topic, I’ve noticed a decrease in the number of comments lately. Come on, fellow internetters… Chill’s a funny dude; y’all need to show him some love for providing you with this good content!
#2 by Sam on June 17th, 2011 - 5:19 am
‘…other one…’ should be ‘…other THAN…’. I hate typos… it’s my own fault, though, for not proofing. Sorry to clutter the comments section with housekeeping.
#3 by chilly17 on June 19th, 2011 - 10:04 pm
There are plenty of folks around, just a quiet lot. They come for the candy bar rankings, but they stay for the semi-monthly posts comparing It’s Always Sunny to Ordinary People.