I just realized yesterday that I know an architect. I wish I didn’t. Not that I hate architects or anything – although the dick who designed our apartment to interfere with any signal that the T-Mob throws out is certainly not a favorite – but I always kind of wore it as a badge of honor not knowing one. (Like my old banking buddy that had never been to Hoboken and swore to keep it that way; everybody has to have their thing.) Why did I like not knowing an architect? Because architect is one of the “Big Four” tv (and movie) careers, that is massively overrepresented onscreen compared to the people you actually know in real life. Mike Brady, Ted Mosby, the love interest on basically every f*cking female-led sitcom ever…hell, even George Costanza aspired to pretend to be an architect, and he was getting all kinds of ass. Not knowing a single architect – and knowing far less cops and doctors than you’d guess from tv – served as a constant reminder that television – even reality television – rarely resembled the real world.
Let’s look at the situation analytically and graphically, in the form of some sweet pie charts. The graph below not only illustrates the limited professional worldview of the typical Hollywood writer, but also the stellar Excel skills that can be gleaned from a $100k MBA and seven years working in finance.
This next pastry-shaped masterwork depicts life as we all know it (and before you start bitching about how you know 300 lawyers, they are included in the big categories. Every lawyer eventually ends up at a company or, most likely, in finance where they can make more dough in less hours while acting like bigger jerks.)
Why are there no bankers on tv? Every corporate raider on tv is inaccurately described as an “investment banker” (you will quickly recognize these characters, they typically also rape a puppy or something at some point during the program, as that is more subtle than just wearing a black mask and carrying a sack of money with a big $$$ on it.) I guess one reason all the efforts to bring the vibrant world of finance to the small screen have failed is because the crises don’t resonate as compared to a patient in cardiac arrest or a dramatic closing statement; “I NEED THESE COMPS UPDATED ASAP!” doesn’t carry the same emotional weight. Nor does “WHY IS THIS DATA TABLE LEGEND IN TIMES NEW ROMAN?????!!!!!????” Given that probably less than 3% of bankers’ parents could give a reasonable facsimile of their banker kids’ job description, the relative professional anonymity probably makes sense.
But still, architects? Come on tv writers, let’s cool it with all the big drafting tables. And, L-Money, I’m considering defriending you so I can go back to the way it was.
(Editor’s Note: I’m gonna quit writing on here about how I’m rededicating myself to this site, blah, blah, blah…because everytime I do, my dad has a stroke. So I will just add that I hope to be somewhat more focused in the future. This site took down almost $2 in straight cash last month, homie, and I think there’s more where that came from (especially when motherf*ckers click on ads and isht.)