I recently had the displeasure of driving to Dallas to pick up my new ride, as driving one-way rentals all over the f*cking planet had become a little cost-prohibitive, even for a high-flying 1%er like myself. Helpful hint for Dallas drivers: there is actually a full spectrum of pressures you can apply to the gas/brake pedals other than “stomp/slam.” Another note for Dallas drivers – if you are going to have a fender/bender at 6:30 PM, move your pieces of sh*t over to the side of the road, rather than have like 300,000 people go 3 mph for 75 minutes while you assess the $30 damage to your bumper. Also, state of Oklahoma – finish some of your f*cking construction! Your whole godforsaken state is coned up!
Interestingly, I did roughly the same amount of research in buying the world’s least threatening SUV as I did in buying my 911 almost five years earlier. F*cking internet…too much information to process – if you are thinking of buying a Ford Escape, feel free to contact me, I’ve got the market wired from Maine to San Diego. This is my first ever SUV or truck-type vehicle, and, so far – I kind of love it. It’s comfortable, I don’t have to worry about scraping the bumper all the damn time, it can transport more than two human-sized adults, but yet is too small for someone to ask me to move some furniture or other crap for them. Plus, it’s got satellite radio for some unknown reason (who’s paying $17/month for radio? F-to-the-uck that) and it is sweet hearing UTFO on the radio – I always loved how Full Force would show up on UTFO songs in some kind of participating understudy deal. (Although, if memory serves, I did see Full Force stand alone at the Fresh Festival in 1986 – might’ve been the LA Dream Team, though.)
Also, the Escape has an electric sunroof, meaning that I have completed the career grand slam of roof types; now I know how Federer felt when he finally won the French. (FYI – I don’t consider those after-market sunroofs that were popular for like a month in the early 80s to be a viable option, they were effectively just a hole cut in your roof covered with a small slab of plexiglass and sealed with 3-4 inches of rubber that protruded well above the glass part. After disfiguring your vehicle, you could then pop up the sunroof roughly one inch. Never had that kind of roof. I’m also not distinguishing between hardtop convertible and regular convertible – hardtop looks quite stupid when on, when off they look the same, so I’m lumping together.)
The Grand Slam of Roof Options for a Vehicle
- Coupe (ie no holes in roof or means of removing the roof temporarily): Ford Mustangs, Cutlass Supreme
- Cloth Sunroof (this is like the Masters or the French Open of roof options, by far the toughest to nail down): Renault Fuego
- Electric Sunroof (what’s a moonroof then?): Ford Escape
- Targa Top (if you need a tool kit, it’s probably not taking the targa part off): Chevrolet Corvette
- T-Tops (looks pretty stupid when the tops are off, but de rigueur in the 80s): Datsun 280ZX
- Convertible (can come off a little Californication-y) : Porsche 911
2010 Ford Escape, 2011 – present
Coolness: 4 (Not embarrassing, but doesn’t seem to really melt any panties either)
Appropriateness for Awkward Romantic Manuevers: N/A (Nothing attempted thus far – when you live with your 82 year old mom you have a pretty wild life already)
Transmission: 9-Speed Automatic (probably only like five speeds, but I don’t really know what the difference is in an automatic anyway)
Stereo: CD/AM/FM/Sirius w/ Ford Sync (The Sirius is pretty cool and the Ford Sync stuff should be really cool – it’s supposed to read your texts to you! – but it actually only works well with like Motorola Razrs and Blackberry 1.0s. So it’s basically a pretty loud bluetooth headset, which is nice anyway since I’m deaf.)
Description: It’s like a truck, but with a backseat, and then an area behind that. It’s not hard to get into (unless you are 82), it gets good gas mileage and is blue. Also, it has tires.