If Life Is Like The Star Wars Saga, I’m Apparently In The Empire Stage

If Life Is Like The Star Wars Saga, I’m Apparently In The Empire Stage

Fuck midichlorians, my version of the force is more of a three-legged stool of awesomeness.


2011 was not a great time in Chillyville; I’m hoping this is just the critically (lauded and) important second stage of my adulthood where personal crises will eventually lead to victory parades and medals and shit.  Like a Jedi-in-training, I find myself in unfamiliar environs dealing with issues (including the loss of extremities) that I’m currently ill-prepared for – I’m probably gonna find myself sleeping in the entrails of a tauntaun soon.  The key difference between my situation and Empire is that, when living with an 82 year old lady, average room temperature in the house more closely approximates the surface of the sun than the ice planet Hoth.

Anyway, the only nugget I have gleaned here is: if you ever find yourself living in such a way that you have little to no responsibility, and just get to do whatever the fuck you choose pretty much all the time, don’t put yourself in a position where you suddenly have multiple responsibilities to multiple parties.  Because, you will find that responsibility is quite a shock to the system after years of boozing/tv for like six hours a night.  Such a shock that even jugs of Yellow Tail might lose much of their morale-boosting power.

Anyway, I feel that the dawn of 2012 is gonna start melting the proverbial carbonite (I have chosen to mix my metaphor).  I have some ideas to turn that frown upside down (and maybe start generating some positive cash flow?) and might even detail my progress here for my seven faithful readers (and the thirteen other slutty ones).  I have tried to take some time and figure out what I really want to try and accomplish, as to this point my trogging effort has been haphazard and sluggish at best.  There’s still about 439 things I think I would be great at, but unfortunately, my only proven expertise remains playing foosball, giving nicknames, and getting large groups of people to walk pretty far for lunch (all difficult to monetize).  (One positive note: two buddies and I totally had the idea for a Netflix-for-ties about a year ago, an idea that Taco recently appropriated on The League (a program that has grown on me).  So there’s that – but kudos to Taco for calling it Neckflix, nice touch.)


Advances in Hospital Technology (Probably an ISRG product)

One thing that I did not know until recently – now, at select hospitals, when you go to the surgery waiting room they give you one of those vibrating polygonal light things like you get at fine restaurants like Olive Garden or Red Lobster.  I think our Pavlovian response to these buzzers is probably pretty positive since the buzzing/flashing light is usually followed by the consumption of 14 cheese biscuits.  The ones for surgeries are a little more sophisticated, of course – they have two lines of LCD text like an old school blackberry, and give updates like “surgery has started” and “surgery completed, patient did well and is in recovery room.”  Seems like there would be some drawbacks to this device, though, if shit is going downhill – does it just say “patient died” if somebody expires on the table?  Spares the doctor a trip to the waiting room?  Maybe they should let some third party narrate the events XBox 360 style?  “Homeboy bleedin out!”?  In five years they’ll probably just text you, so you’ll be free to hang out wherever you want while sweating out the surgery.


Later – much more coming soon, including a new entry in the Cars I’ve Owned: A Visual History series,



6 thoughts on “If Life Is Like The Star Wars Saga, I’m Apparently In The Empire Stage

  1. she’s GORGEOUS. As we say down south – i’d just like to sop her up with a biscuit 😉

  2. She’s a sweetheart…her hobbies include sleeping 20 hours a day, chasing tennis balls 2.5 hours a day, eating for 30 minutes, and growling at me to let her outside so she can fuck around in the neighbor’s backyard for an hour. She lives a very full life.

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