Career Advice For Ugly People

Career Advice For Ugly People

Sofia: this article does not apply to you. At all.


One of the most potentially psychologically-damaging questions that one faces in life is: am I ugly?  (Clearly, since my face has been shown like 532,017 times as the toxic physical embodiment of the 1%, I pass.  Nobody would get that pissed about an uggo.)  There’s probably a pretty strong correlation between one’s perceived unattractiveness and being a youthful age, but I think as most folks get older and mellow they realize they probably fall into that 60-80% groupage of people who are neitherly overly beautiful/handsome (4-5% per Seinfeld) or disgusting/sickening (15-16% in most locations, jumps to around 35% when strolling through Wal-Mart).  Just to be clear, I’m talking about old school ugliness, not genetic deformities or accident victims.  I’ll also exclude African-American (and African-Canadian, for that matter) albinos due to the fickleness of melanin.  We are all aware of the benefits of beauty – you get a leg up in just about everything – but what restraints might ugliness put on future career options?

Let’s consider the other end of the spectrum for a second – it used to be easy to identify that top 5% of women, at least.  Back in my days of burgeoning adolescence, you knew that that group was comprised almost entirely of ladies who were members of one of the following organizations:

  • The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders
  • The Solid Gold Dancers
  • Charlie’s Angels

That was pretty much all you needed to know.  These days, with the 24-hour news cycles, reality television, blogs, old ladies rapping and what-have-you, it’s harder to pinpoint exactly what kind of grouping would give you the same results.  But based on my keen observations of modern culture, I can hazard a guess that the hottest ladies around now are:

  • Anyone who’s ever been on the cover of Shape magazine (with less than 48% airbrushing)
  • Anyone who’s appeared in a Skechers Shape-up advertisement
  • Anyone who’s served as an internet tee-shirt model

For the three ladies who read this, I must admit that I’m not sure what the modern day male equivalent is – based on feedback from the ladies I know and some extrapolation, I’ll assume the top 5% of males are:

  • Dudes that stand outside of Hollister with signs
  • World Cup participants (pretty countries only)
  • Anybody in a band who appears to have a questionable hygiene regimen


Anyway, this piece was intended more to point the non-pretty in the right direction.  If you are ugly, you generally need to shy away from sales or relationship-type positions, it’s a proven fact that people are more likely to buy sh*t from/interact with people that are attractive.  That’s pretty much common sense, but the equation gets more complicated if you have other negative qualities beyond ugliness.  For instance, ugly and stupid is a pretty loathsome combination – one that lends itself more to a career in serial murdering moreso than say, chemical engineering management.

There is a lot of misleading propaganda out there about ugly people occupations – always tending toward easy targets such as carnival workers, DMV employees or toll booth operators.  But have you been to the DMV lately?  Some serious hotties working the Take A Number machine these days – hell on That 70s Show, Fez worked at the DMV at the same time Wilmer Valderrama was deflowering basically every starlet around in Hollywood.  Misleading.  And a recent study in Scientific American showed that carnies, on average, have better facial symmetry ratios than any profession other than the somewhat exclusive society of French newswomen.  Carnies likely suffer from the fact that their jobs often require unfortunate hairstyles/ dental work aimed to attract curiosity seekers by startling the visual senses.  I will attempt to steer the unfortunately-faced away from such stereotypes.

So if you routinely hear things like “hey, are you Heather Graham?” or “has anyone ever told you you look like Michael Cera?”, feel free to skip the (beautiful) flowchart below.

For every John C. Reilly, there's like 4,200 Matt Damons


6 thoughts on “Career Advice For Ugly People

  1. chillz – maybe the 18 of us are just starved for posts – but i’ll take a stand that this might be one of your funniest yet. My personal favorites (and current co-workers) include the dickish professor, the kindly quant, the fantasy football guru and, quite possibly (investigation continues), the adult film star. I’m sad to see that we missed Small Town Petroleum Input Technician and Walmart Cashier (anywhere, USA). Well done chillz!

  2. What up, KITM?!? Thanks for your kind words, Wal-Mart is certainly its own unique house of horrors. I have a completely different problem with the gas stations around here – about 30% of them don’t take f*cking credit cards at the pump! Sometimes this place makes Mayberry seem like a sophisticated metropolis.

  3. I think a lot of girls do, SV may be hottest common denominator – men and women seem to agree that she is extremely attractive.

  4. Chilly

    I just read in the paper that a 29 year old Chinese gal gave birth to a 15 pound baby. The best part is that she named the boy Chun and her last name is Chun. So, the kid is named Chun Chun.
    How about a post about parents who give their kids the same first and last name 🙂
    Hello, my name is steven stevenson 🙂

  5. I knew a kid at school named Bobby Roberts. His parents were apparently were unimaginative, or just dumbasses.

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