Why Is There No The Bachelor: Home Edition?

Why Is There No The Bachelor: Home Edition?

Nice hair, wine guy


I had the misfortune of watching a bit of The Bachelor recently.  My initial thought – as per every time I’ve ever seen even ten seconds of the show, was, “Why the f*ck is this even on tv?”  My secondary thoughts were along the lines of “Why does Rafael Nadal’s retarded brother get a TV show?”  And I think among my tertiary thoughts was “Why are people so shocked that there was some banging going on in this show – isn’t that really what it’s for, for some dude to have sample sex with a bunch of chicks that want to be on tv under the guise of seeking true love?”

I really can’t fathom why anyone would want to subject themselves to this type sh*t except for the opportunity to be on television.  Thus, the genesis of this post appearing on here.  The proposed (no pun intended, I think) subject matter prompted some internal debate as to whether anyone would participate in this type thing if it were not televised.  I mean, couldn’t some rich dude in LA just offer up his house for 25 random hos to hang out in while he decides which one is The One over the course of a month?  I bet that’s basically how this show even came to be, just a couple of guys spitballing ways to get some ass easily, then they had the genius idea to have it televised so that a network could foot the bill for the mansion AND they could become famous enough to get appearance fees at nightclubs and casinos for the next five years.  Even more f*cking genius than Dorito Tacos (YUM: call me re: Fiery Habanero Doritos Tacos) – I have to hand it to whatever genius it was that came up with the pitch for The Bachelor, you are a credit to the male species.

Being the hard-hitting journalist that I am, I tried to decide whether other reality shows would exist without the cameras:

  •  Survivor?  Sure, people pay for the privilege of participating in Tough Mudder runs, I’m sure if there was a contest where cash was pooled to see who could hang out in the woods deprived of luxuries the longest/best there would be no shortage of numbnut participants
  • Jersey Shore?  Hell, that train wreck started as, and still is, a home game.  The money and fame was just a byproduct of the (unlikely) popularity of the show.  (Note: I have seen a bit of this season, and, as difficult it may be to imagine, the crew seems to have devolved even further from anything recognizable as a human being.  Now it’s almost entirely Neanderthal grunts of “me horny, me hungry” – and that’s just from the girls.  Although calling Snooki and Deena “girls” is kind of an insult to everybody else with a pair of X chromosomes.)
  • American Idol/So You Think You Can Dance?  Absolutely, struggling artists will do anything so people can see hear/them.  My mom and dad saw Carrie Underwood singing at the opening of a furniture store in Oklahoma like eight years ago.
  • All those other crappy shows that are just rich “ladies” going about their day that somehow half of the country watches are allegedly what they would be doing without cameras around.  And I think we can all agree that no reality show is scripted or even nudged in a narrative direction, it’s all just raw realness.


Since I was too lazy to do this myself: thanks rumorfix.com!


But with no cameras, does anyone play The Bachelor?  (Part of the struggle with writing this is that I couldn’t decide if dudes would go for a home version of The Bachelorette.  They might, because, the odds are usually pretty long trying to get some tail at the average bar (although if you drink enough those odds get much more promising, I’ve heard).  So for the prospect of a free place to crash and a 1:25 shot at presumably a hot chick, that might happen.  Also furrowing my brow is the fact that there is apparently a The Bachelor Wii game – who’s that for?  How many copies of that did they sell?  8-9?  I weep for future generations if there are legions of little girls creating avatars of themselves to be dissed by some polgyonal d-bag.)  For so subjective a topic as “love” why put yourself on tv to reveal your insecurities and other emotional baggage/personality shortcomings for the world to see?  I guess I just don’t understand how emotions are supposed to translate to a f*cking game show.  Maybe I’ll pitch an idea for a show called The Funeral, where we put twenty people in a mansion where they all have to plan and attend the funeral of one of their recently-deceased parents.  At the end of each day, the people that have shown enough poise and sadness will be given a carnation, while the eliminated will have to go back home and mourn in their sh*tty apartments. The winner gets a free mausoleum. Hmmm…this might have legs.

In summary, The Bachelor is stupid, I don’t understand why people either watch or participate in it, unless there is an underlying desire to be on television, or they are suffering from some kind of narcissistic mental illness (although that would likely tie back to the need to be on tv. F*ck, I don’t know).

CHILLY MULTIMEDIA EXPLOSION UPDATE:  Given that I’m in Arkansas and rarely speak to humans in my age/IQ range (both mid-40s), I’ve been inspired to write more stuff down on my computer.  “Multimedia” is actually a poor choice of words, but since it’s already typed in bold, I can’t really erase it.  But what I was trying to convey is that I’ll be posting stuff to both the Wasted Potentialz Facebook Page (shorter stuff that I don’t want to proofread/agonize over and links and stuff) and random thoughts and sh*t on Twitter (@chilly_17).  I know most people read this site at work but don’t be shy about cruising over to the Facebook page or hollering at me on Twitter – it’s your big chance to get a response to a real live member of the 1% (according to Whoopi).





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