Yeah, yeah, I know I said I was working on something more substantial last week…I’m still working on it, have been kind of tied up with important stuff that popped up (watching 25 episodes of My Boys on Netflix)…maybe it will be done later today or maybe not…as penalty for my lack of punctual posting, please accept this picture of a lion eating a little kid (via tbl and retronaut):

Looks pretty happy for someone about to bleed out

I’m also gonna revamp the site’s Facebook page at some point – I just finally got the ICQ page up and running, so prepping for a traffic boom from that.  I’ve got all kinds of plans, just low on motivation to actually type sh*t into the keyboard.  Maybe I’ll just update this post on Friday if any other quick stuff comes to mind and keep toiling away on the other post that I’ve kind of lost interest in.

Later,

Chilly17

Fuck midichlorians, my version of the force is more of a three-legged stool of awesomeness.

2011 was not a great time in Chillyville; I’m hoping this is just the critically (lauded and) important second stage of my adulthood where personal crises will eventually lead to victory parades and medals and shit.  Like a Jedi-in-training, I find myself in unfamiliar environs dealing with issues (including the loss of extremities) that I’m currently ill-prepared for – I’m probably gonna find myself sleeping in the entrails of a tauntaun soon.  The key difference between my situation and Empire is that, when living with an 82 year old lady, average room temperature in the house more closely approximates the surface of the sun than the ice planet Hoth.

Anyway, the only nugget I have gleaned here is: if you ever find yourself living in such a way that you have little to no responsibility, and just get to do whatever the fuck you choose pretty much all the time, don’t put yourself in a position where you suddenly have multiple responsibilities to multiple parties.  Because, you will find that responsibility is quite a shock to the system after years of boozing/tv for like six hours a night.  Such a shock that even jugs of Yellow Tail might lose much of their morale-boosting power.

Anyway, I feel that the dawn of 2012 is gonna start melting the proverbial carbonite (I have chosen to mix my metaphor).  I have some ideas to turn that frown upside down (and maybe start generating some positive cash flow?) and might even detail my progress here for my seven faithful readers (and the thirteen other slutty ones).  I have tried to take some time and figure out what I really want to try and accomplish, as to this point my trogging effort has been haphazard and sluggish at best.  There’s still about 439 things I think I would be great at, but unfortunately, my only proven expertise remains playing foosball, giving nicknames, and getting large groups of people to walk pretty far for lunch (all difficult to monetize).  (One positive note: two buddies and I totally had the idea for a Netflix-for-ties about a year ago, an idea that Taco recently appropriated on The League (a program that has grown on me).  So there’s that – but kudos to Taco for calling it Neckflix, nice touch.)

Advances in Hospital Technology (Probably an ISRG product)

One thing that I did not know until recently – now, at select hospitals, when you go to the surgery waiting room they give you one of those vibrating polygonal light things like you get at fine restaurants like Olive Garden or Red Lobster.  I think our Pavlovian response to these buzzers is probably pretty positive since the buzzing/flashing light is usually followed by the consumption of 14 cheese biscuits.  The ones for surgeries are a little more sophisticated, of course – they have two lines of LCD text like an old school blackberry, and give updates like “surgery has started” and “surgery completed, patient did well and is in recovery room.”  Seems like there would be some drawbacks to this device, though, if shit is going downhill – does it just say “patient died” if somebody expires on the table?  Spares the doctor a trip to the waiting room?  Maybe they should let some third party narrate the events XBox 360 style?  ”Homeboy bleedin out!”?  In five years they’ll probably just text you, so you’ll be free to hang out wherever you want while sweating out the surgery.

Later – much more coming soon, including a new entry in the Cars I’ve Owned: A Visual History series,

Chilly17

I go to Chipotle pretty frequently.  Chipotle has managed a particularly difficult consumer feat – making people think the quality of their product compensates for any potentially inflated pricing (kudos to Apple, Whole Foods and others for a similar accomplishment – Trader Joe’s belongs in a class by itself, considered very cheap and high quality!)  I go there for convenience as much as anything – if Dos Toros was half a mile closer, it’d surely cut my Chipotle time considerably – but I also live less than four blocks from the only Chipotle test kitchen.  That’s right – brown rice for me, suckas, and I tasted the short-lived chorizo before anyone else.  Dos Toros might offer a somewhat better product – but I have found a balance – if you get a large side order of the extra hot hot sauce at DT, it turns a Chipotle chicken burrito into a fairly divine experience (and, for the faint of hot- is fairly f*cking hot.)

Anyway, sometimes there’s some kind of weird sh*t going on at Chipotle – today the two guys ahead of me had their burritos weighed, apparently they were settling a dispute as to the over/under of two pounds each.  (Take the under.)  A lot of times in my hood, there are little kids ordering sh*t all kinds of ways – on little bastard had his fruit cup added to a carnitas burrito.  Most of you have faced the long lines, and generally the people in front of you know what’s what.  But sometimes, you can just tell it’s gonna take an extra twenty three minutes for some dipsh*ts to navigate the line…

The Five People You Don’t Want In Line Ahead of You At Chipotle

The Thinker/Sampler – As a veteran fast casual burrito orderer, I am able to quickly communicate my order to both The Steamer  (they throw the tortilla into that steamer thing and then slap some meat (and beans if you are so inclined) in there before handing it to what we used to call at Taco Bell The Stuffer.  With The Stuffer, it generally takes no more than eye contact to insinuate that all that I need is hot sauce and cheese.  This is not the case for everyone; heaven forbid you ever get caught behind a middle-aged ethnic lady perusing the menu as if she’s considering  the names on the 9/11 Memorial – solemn glances are not a great thing when processing a burrito.  Thinkers typically consider the menu with the same diligence that high school sophmores and juniors mull over their college choices.

The Sampler is a more highly evolved version of The Thinker – except they make the even more annoying choice of asking to sample the barbacoa or whatnot.  Anybody ever walked into McDonald’s and tried to sample a spicy chicken to see if it’s really spicy?  They’ll throw your ass out!  They aren’t in the business of wooing customers with their incredible capacity for accomodation.  These guys kill me – I have my order down to ten words or less – and they stand there with a stupid little cup like they’re at f*cking Baskin Robbins (where at least the ridiculously tiny taste spoons slightly diminish your self-respect.)

Potential Thinkers/Samplers – Middle-aged ethnic ladies, kids

Go ahead and get the chips, it's more calories, but worth it

The Perfectionist – The Perfectionist is the least common of the Chipotle misorderers, but they can cost you a significant chunk of time.  They’re the people who decide that they didn’t get enough rice after their burrito has made it all the way down the line.  This results in chaos/confusion as the queue gets confused and the potential for order errors increases exponentially (I once bit into the wrong burrito at Qdoba – which is why this article is only Chipotle-inclusive.)  Perfectionists get incredibly upset if their cheese portion varies 1/10th of an ounce in either direction – a veritable powder keg for the poor bastard/bastardesses on the line.

Potential Perfectionists – Young women, jockies, male flight attendants

The Off-Menu Orderer – It’s a little-known secret, but Chipotle will do whatever you want.  They will, literally, mix any of the sh*t they offer together for you.  You want tequila and napkins inside your burrito?  No problem.  This is a level of customer service unlike, for instance, Taco Bell – who once refused to make me a cheesy double beef burrito because it was no longer available, despite the fact that all ingredients were just hanging out, awaiting the chance to be arranged as I requested.  Chipotle will do anything that isn’t unethical – if you ask them to mate your steak with some pork, and then serve you the offspring in a tortilla, they won’t do it, because there is no way to get inter-species consent.  Other stuff is no big deal, though.  You want a quesadilla?  You f*cking got it, homie.  Do you find your burrito to be too intricately layered?  Have them mix it up before wrapping it.  Want it cut in half because you are so dainty and couldn’t possible consume 1450 calories at a setting?  No problem, Janice.

Potential Off-Menu Orderers – Anyone who knows you can do it, Janice

The Barterer – I must readily admit to being an accomplice here – SO has moved to a trade wherein she gives up half her steak in exchange for a free half serving of guacamole.  I know what you’re thinking – hey, Chilly, aren’t you making three f*cking dollars from this site every month now – why can’t you hook your lady up with a full order of guac???   Here’s my witty reply, wiseguy, she actually prefers the 50/50!  However, it’s not only slightly embarassing to have to negotiate every time, but it slows me from eating my f*cking burrito!  And I hate having to reestablish the bargaining points every single f*cking time!  Okay, in exchange for a free half-splooge of guac, I will give you a half serving of steak, and will not take an extra 123 napkins this time through.

Potential Barterers – SO, ethnic ladies that learn guac is extra

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The Tippler – I’ve actually only seen this a handful of times, but did you know that many Chipotles serve margaritas or other mixed drinks?  Guess who makes them?  The f*cking cashier…that won’t slow sh*t down at all…just go next door to Flight 151 and get your damned drinks!  I have had a lot of drinks, and a lot of fast casual burritos, but I think I’ve had less than two alcoholic beverages at burrito fast casual joints.  Don’t mix business and pleasure, ya’ll.

Potential Tipplers – This Asian girl?  That’s the only picture I saw on the internet of someone drinking at Chipotle.

You should try the 151 Oreo Blizzard, it's the blizzomb

Later,

Chilly17

P.S. I’m about to start writing like a motherfuc&er, now that I’ve got like mad traffic, fetching girls reading, momentum, and all kinds of stuff…or maybe I’ll just have another drink or two…