Archive for the ‘Daily Grind’ Category

I go to Chipotle pretty frequently.  Chipotle has managed a particularly difficult consumer feat – making people think the quality of their product compensates for any potentially inflated pricing (kudos to Apple, Whole Foods and others for a similar accomplishment – Trader Joe’s belongs in a class by itself, considered very cheap and high quality!)  I go there for convenience as much as anything – if Dos Toros was half a mile closer, it’d surely cut my Chipotle time considerably – but I also live less than four blocks from the only Chipotle test kitchen.  That’s right – brown rice for me, suckas, and I tasted the short-lived chorizo before anyone else.  Dos Toros might offer a somewhat better product – but I have found a balance – if you get a large side order of the extra hot hot sauce at DT, it turns a Chipotle chicken burrito into a fairly divine experience (and, for the faint of hot- is fairly f*cking hot.)

Anyway, sometimes there’s some kind of weird sh*t going on at Chipotle – today the two guys ahead of me had their burritos weighed, apparently they were settling a dispute as to the over/under of two pounds each.  (Take the under.)  A lot of times in my hood, there are little kids ordering sh*t all kinds of ways – on little bastard had his fruit cup added to a carnitas burrito.  Most of you have faced the long lines, and generally the people in front of you know what’s what.  But sometimes, you can just tell it’s gonna take an extra twenty three minutes for some dipsh*ts to navigate the line…

The Five People You Don’t Want In Line Ahead of You At Chipotle

The Thinker/Sampler – As a veteran fast casual burrito orderer, I am able to quickly communicate my order to both The Steamer  (they throw the tortilla into that steamer thing and then slap some meat (and beans if you are so inclined) in there before handing it to what we used to call at Taco Bell The Stuffer.  With The Stuffer, it generally takes no more than eye contact to insinuate that all that I need is hot sauce and cheese.  This is not the case for everyone; heaven forbid you ever get caught behind a middle-aged ethnic lady perusing the menu as if she’s considering  the names on the 9/11 Memorial – solemn glances are not a great thing when processing a burrito.  Thinkers typically consider the menu with the same diligence that high school sophmores and juniors mull over their college choices.

The Sampler is a more highly evolved version of The Thinker – except they make the even more annoying choice of asking to sample the barbacoa or whatnot.  Anybody ever walked into McDonald’s and tried to sample a spicy chicken to see if it’s really spicy?  They’ll throw your ass out!  They aren’t in the business of wooing customers with their incredible capacity for accomodation.  These guys kill me – I have my order down to ten words or less – and they stand there with a stupid little cup like they’re at f*cking Baskin Robbins (where at least the ridiculously tiny taste spoons slightly diminish your self-respect.)

Potential Thinkers/Samplers – Middle-aged ethnic ladies, kids

Go ahead and get the chips, it's more calories, but worth it

The Perfectionist – The Perfectionist is the least common of the Chipotle misorderers, but they can cost you a significant chunk of time.  They’re the people who decide that they didn’t get enough rice after their burrito has made it all the way down the line.  This results in chaos/confusion as the queue gets confused and the potential for order errors increases exponentially (I once bit into the wrong burrito at Qdoba – which is why this article is only Chipotle-inclusive.)  Perfectionists get incredibly upset if their cheese portion varies 1/10th of an ounce in either direction – a veritable powder keg for the poor bastard/bastardesses on the line.

Potential Perfectionists – Young women, jockies, male flight attendants

The Off-Menu Orderer – It’s a little-known secret, but Chipotle will do whatever you want.  They will, literally, mix any of the sh*t they offer together for you.  You want tequila and napkins inside your burrito?  No problem.  This is a level of customer service unlike, for instance, Taco Bell – who once refused to make me a cheesy double beef burrito because it was no longer available, despite the fact that all ingredients were just hanging out, awaiting the chance to be arranged as I requested.  Chipotle will do anything that isn’t unethical – if you ask them to mate your steak with some pork, and then serve you the offspring in a tortilla, they won’t do it, because there is no way to get inter-species consent.  Other stuff is no big deal, though.  You want a quesadilla?  You f*cking got it, homie.  Do you find your burrito to be too intricately layered?  Have them mix it up before wrapping it.  Want it cut in half because you are so dainty and couldn’t possible consume 1450 calories at a setting?  No problem, Janice.

Potential Off-Menu Orderers – Anyone who knows you can do it, Janice

The Barterer – I must readily admit to being an accomplice here – SO has moved to a trade wherein she gives up half her steak in exchange for a free half serving of guacamole.  I know what you’re thinking – hey, Chilly, aren’t you making three f*cking dollars from this site every month now – why can’t you hook your lady up with a full order of guac???   Here’s my witty reply, wiseguy, she actually prefers the 50/50!  However, it’s not only slightly embarassing to have to negotiate every time, but it slows me from eating my f*cking burrito!  And I hate having to reestablish the bargaining points every single f*cking time!  Okay, in exchange for a free half-splooge of guac, I will give you a half serving of steak, and will not take an extra 123 napkins this time through.

Potential Barterers – SO, ethnic ladies that learn guac is extra

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The Tippler – I’ve actually only seen this a handful of times, but did you know that many Chipotles serve margaritas or other mixed drinks?  Guess who makes them?  The f*cking cashier…that won’t slow sh*t down at all…just go next door to Flight 151 and get your damned drinks!  I have had a lot of drinks, and a lot of fast casual burritos, but I think I’ve had less than two alcoholic beverages at burrito fast casual joints.  Don’t mix business and pleasure, ya’ll.

Potential Tipplers – This Asian girl?  That’s the only picture I saw on the internet of someone drinking at Chipotle.

You should try the 151 Oreo Blizzard, it's the blizzomb

Later,

Chilly17

P.S. I’m about to start writing like a motherfuc&er, now that I’ve got like mad traffic, fetching girls reading, momentum, and all kinds of stuff…or maybe I’ll just have another drink or two…

I want to step back from the normal tedium of this site to congratulate the management of the International House of Pancakes.  In this era of unprecedented corporate greed and unscrupulous business behavior, IHOP has decided to push increased profitability aside to address a social ill: the unfilling nature of their flagship product.  All-You-Can-Eat pancakes are now available at IHOP, meaning you will never again have to deal with embarassing stomach growling noises mere minutes after polishing off a large stack at a breakfast meeting.  Your kids won’t be distracted by hunger pangs in school any more, allowing them to compete on a level playing field with the non-international (house of pancakes-eating) students who aren’t tempted by the facade of pancake fullness but instead ply themselves with fruits and cereals.  IHOP has truly leveled the playing field.

IHOP’s dark corporate secret has long been that pancake consumption is actually a negative caloric event, much like eating raw celery, or retching up a bagel.  While counterintuitive to many, this scientific anomaly makes perfect sense when considered alongside other non-waffle breakfast offerings.  In most cases, the addition of copious amounts of butter and syrup actually increases not only the caloric content of the meal, but also the amount of seratonin secreted.  Serotonin is the chemical that indicates to the brain that the stomach has just eaten something delicious (among other pleasurable sensations, such as watching Intervention).  In the case of pancakes, the combination of butter and syrup instead serve as digestive lubricants, providing neither calories nor serotonin synthesis.  Instead, the seemingly-tasty mixture of flour, eggs and sugar is swiftly moved from one’s mouth to the guntical area of the stomach, not allowing the brain to contemplate feelings of fullness and leaving one feeling as if they haven’t even eaten, only minutes after finishing off four or five of the griddled delights.

Thankfully, IHOP has stepped into the void.  If, instead of the traditional 10-15 minutes, one dedicates 60-75 minutes to nothing but pancake ingestion, one will finally feel full and free from the tyranny of the “dammit-I-just-ate-pancakes-twenty-minutes-ago-and-now-I’m-fucking-starving-again” sensation.  Kudos to you, management of IHOP, for not only being corporate titans, but also concerned citizens.  This is just what we needed.

Later,

Chilly17

I swear I’ve heard Billy Squier in two different film trailers this week.  I could be wrong, but I thought one was Take Me Home Tonight, the Topher Grace retro-comedy that looks like a steaming pile.  Note to the movie industry: Hot Tub Time Machine proved that it takes more than nudity+80s songs+unsung TV heroes (Chris Pratt here, Craig Robinson there) to score decent box office.  For your benefit (and to my detriment), I sat through like three versions of that trailer and got no Squier.  I did get lines like “I work at Goldman Sachs” and guys singing along to “Straight Outta Compton” in a movie set in 1988.  Not exactly Mad Men-esque historical accuracy: Lehman was probably a bigger power broker than GS in the 80′s and since Straight Outta Compton, the album, didn’t drop until late summer 1988, I doubt suburban kids had the lyrics memorized anytime before March, 1995.   I guarantee there is some Squier in there though somewhere though, my ears doth not deceive.  Welcome back, Billy, you’ve been missed (and your whole catalog is underrated, imho.  Even if MTV did spell your name wrong in the “The Stroke” video below.  Andy Warhol did one of your album covers for Christ’s sake!  You shouldn’t be playing the Oklahoma State Fair.)

I am back in the same sense, you get to hear a snippet from me and then back to the ether.  Options expiring today and I’ve got so many short calls that are in the money that I don’t know how the fuck I’m gonna close all that shit before 4:00 PM.  But, as you may have noticed (Flint), I purchased a little more web space to host a couple other endeavors I’m working on, so had to switch servers.  So the WMM post disappeared for awhile (thanks Google cache!) but it’s all good now.

So things are working their way back to normal, most of the legal bullshit is in place for one venture and a couple other things are on some burners.  The consumption of a pretzel the other day made me ponder some “Ten Worst” lists.  Seriously, has anyone ever enjoyed a fucking pretzel?  Even those expensive warm ones are ultimately a huge disappointment.  Back to the grizind of looking at columns of numbers, perhaps next week I’ll be back to composing columns of words.

Later,

Chilly17