By now, you or someone you know – perhaps everyone you know – has read Stieg Larsson’s thriller The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.  Hell, even I’ve read it, and it’s not even really my cup of tea (although it might be yours, depending on where you fall on the enjoys-anal-rape-stories spectrum).  It’s like a more violent, more naked episode of CSI.  Anyway, the book is an international sensation about an ill-matched crimefighting duo: a ladyloving investigative journalist and a pierced, goth hacker chick who suffers no fools and gets in lots of fights.

Of course, Hollywood wants in on this international sensation action; David Fincher is set to direct the movie version.  What’s that, you say?  There’s already a movie version?  Done by Scandinavians?  Why are they remaking it then?  Let’s take a look at some possible motives.

1.  The Scandinavian film is terrible –  Let’s check the rottentomatoes: 88% fresh.  Well, maybe it’s only a handful of reviews.  Nope, 192 reviews.  Well, maybe that’s just the garbage critics, what do the top critics think?  89% fresh.  Critics are stupid, though – is the movie good?  Yeah, I just watched it: perfectly cast, well-paced (the book is like 850 pages long), loyal to the source material without sacrificing cinematic form – it’s really good.  But maybe Hollywood deserves some kudos for seeking out that other 12% freshness that the first film could not earn.

2.  The lead actors are not marquee names –  This is definitely true, the titular heroine is portrayed by Noomi Rapace, who was a relative unknown in Sweden when cast as Lisbeth Salander (goth hacker fighter).  (I’m not going to focus on the male lead; Michael Nyqvist is phenomenal as Mikael Blomkvist but there are some boldfaced names I can see doing good work in the role.  Somebody like Viggo Mortensen or maybe even Daniel Craig – not Brad Pitt.  Bad skin is a must, though.)  Given the substantial evidence against it, I cannot fathom how Hollywood continues to try to shoehorn well-established “movie stars” into iconic roles that beg to have “nobodies” step in and embody the character (think Christopher Reeve as Superman).

Let’s have a look at Larsson’s initial  physical description of the character:

“[Lisbeth] was a pale, anorexic young woman who had hair as short as a fuse, and a pierced nose and eyebrows…she had simply been born thin, with slender bones that made her look girlish and fine-limbed with small hands, narrow wrists, and childlike breasts.”

Now, given that, take a look at Hollywood’s most frequently-mentioned choice to fill the role:

Maybe he meant "child-rearing"

Plus, there is mondo nudity in this film – I cannot imagine Scarlet or Kristen Stewart or Natalie Portman are gonna want to run around butt naked for twenty minutes of screen time.   I actually don’t hate Scarlet as an actress (I saw Ghost World in the theater, so I have some credibility here); she could pull off Lisbeth’s emotionally unavailable routine since that’s how she always comes across anyway.  But please, casting people, either convince Noomi to do it one more time (she’s said previously the role was too taxing/draining to consider resuming the role in the remake) or find some unknown punk chick brawling at a hipster bar in BFE.

3.  The remake will take place in Los Angeles, or somewhere more palatable to ‘Mericans – Nope, Fincher says the remake is going to be set in Sweden, too.  It makes sense to cast American actors, then, so that we can all be enchanted by their attempts at Swedish accents.  That’s just smart filmmaking.

4.  Americans are too stupid to read subtitles –  This is probably correct, although I personally love subtitles since my hearing sucks so bad.  We have to turn on the closed captions often anyway – like on Breaking Bad where they whisper or mumble too much or The Wire where you can’t understand half the lingo the first time through.

5.  The current version is too arty (ie won’t make the moniez) –  There’s tons of murdering, raping and nudity, but somehow the European setting and tasteful cinematography give this flick an indie or (even worse) arty vibe.  (Luckily, EuroTrip managed to avoid that label.)  Any remake set in Sweden is going to have the same “issues” – but who gives a sh-t?  Pretty much everyone will have read the damn book anyway, the “artiness” is part of the book’s appeal: you don’t feel so dirty reading an R-rated CSI on Red Bull, since it’s literature.

Personally, I think they should just re-release the European version and save everyone all the hassle.  Give it a big release, you’ll have girls going dressed up as Lisbeth and everything.  Then Noomi Rapace can become a big star here in the US and land the role of Wonder Woman or something.

Later,

Chilly17

Here’s Part II –  See Part I here…

5.  Pay Day

Pay Day: Top 10 Candy Bar and Top 10 Game

Description: I haven’t played this game in probably 28 years, but I vividly recall the life lessons it taught.  As a poor bastard from Arkansas, the gameplay prepared you for the life to come: just try to get through the month and pay your damn bills without needing to borrow money.  Welfare, the lottery, getting paid monthly – just like Omar promised, it was all in the game.

Enhanced by Alcohol: I haven’t played this as an adult, because – like it’s more dour cousin Life – Pay Day is a little on the depressing side.  (There are Pay Day loans available at 20% interest that cannot be repaid early – did the game actually inspire the term “payday loans”?)  But, I have to give it props for keeping it real and being pretty fun back in the day – and not including little peg-assed kids as literal reminders of the responsibility and financial burden they represent (thanks, Life).

Fistfight Potential: Not all that high, given that if you play Pay Day now, you might cry a little bit depending on the accuracy of its month-to-month reflection of your situation.

4.  Trivial Pursuit

Kind of looks satanic from above, but is no angel pagan. Mets fan know what's up

Description: Now we are into the big boys, not much to say here, this game is probably Pac-Manesque for most people reading this.  I thought I was a smart little bastard, so I highly enjoyed the ’suit – a great chance to show the adults what was what.  I’m pretty sure I can still get a pie piece any time that sh-t lands on orange.  And, f-ck brown.  You know what brown can do for me?  Brown can kiss my ass – “which author wrote the 1827 novella The Sky Frowned“?  I’m ten, dude, how should I know?  (Although brown was good preparation for when I went to take the test to be on Jeopardy.  It ain’t no multiple choice, ya’ll, it was 100 questions about operas and sh-t I’d never heard of.  I walked out – still hoping to run into the Cash Cab, though.  And I need to work on my geography.)

Enhanced by Alcohol: The game itself is not enhanced, but the trashtalking takes a giant leap forward.  One huge drawback is the tendency for drunk asses to say the answer aloud to any question they hear uttered.

Fistfight Potential: Moops.  That sh-t is always a possibility.  And given the team nature of the game, you can generally count on at least one domestic disturbance per four couples, based on actual or perceived underperformance (“You buy all those f-cking US Weeklies and you don’t know who was in The Bridges of Madison County?!?!”)

3.  Aggravation

Inspires more rage than you'd suspect

Description: I will probably take a lot of sh-t for this, but this game is an excellent rage igniter, despite the fact that the outcomes are mostly random (although there’s some strategy as players determine whether they want to warp drive it around the board or actively pursue other players).  For those unfamiliar: you race your marbles around the board, based on a roll of the die, in a race to get it to home base before other players f*ck you over.  It’s like a more visceral Uno, with the always-pleasant addition of a die.

(Note: I almost included Trouble on this list, and then recalled that it’s possible I never even played Trouble.  It’s pretty similar to Aggravation but includes the state of the art Pop-O-Matic technology.  I think I felt some misguided affection for Trouble based on Bill Bellamy’s hilarious bit about playing it with his sister when they were supposed to be asleep.  I couldn’t find just the Trouble bit on YouTube, but if you ever come across his stand up on Comedy Central, I highly recommend it (despite what you your preconceived notions of BB might be.))

Enhanced by Alcohol: As with almost everything, that’s a yes.  The more booze, the more aggression, the more the namesake sensation.

Fistfight Potential: Not too high – there are marbles involved.  Difficult to conjure that much aggression when marbles are involved.

2.  Chess

Chess: the game that even models think is awesome

Description: I haven’t researched this, but I assume it’s the oldest game ever – if not, it’s gotta be close.  The name of the pieces are generally also superhero names (with the exception of pawns – nobody wants to be a f-cking pawn).  The closest you will come, in board game form, to mixed martial arts.  Completely strategy-based, no element of chance – you only have yourself to blame.  The visceral thrill of trapping someone is right up there with the sensation just before you launch a punch toward someone’s throat.

It’s tough to put chess second on a list like this, it’s essentially perfect, but I dinged it slightly because it’s only a two player game.  I learned to play as an adult (when I was on a submarine) and was so enthralled that I played at literally every opportunity and even bought a chess book when we finally had two days off.  (Note: chess books are not helpful when playing the normal kind of dumbasses that we all are, not a lot of successful Queen’s Gambits being pulled off by beginners.  Also, Gambit – yet another superhero chess name.)   People who are good at chess are just wired differently; I knew a kid from the academy that supposedly was a master or wizard, and he was a bit of a dipsh-t, but apparently he could literally see into the future when playing chess.

My two chess highlights were both on my submarine: first was almost (and in hindsight, wisely almost) beating the Captain of the ship after I had just learned how to play.  The second was when I was playing one of the really junior guys on our ship, and wasn’t paying attention and lost my queen early.  This could have been massively humiliating, but I struggled back to take down both his rooks and before you know it had re-popped a queen and kicked that ass.

Enhanced by Alcohol: Oh, yes.  If you have two equally matched players, a scorecard and an endless supply of hooch, you are in for a long, long night.  Gameplay will suffer, but you will hear some superb taunts and boasts that sound straight out of King Arthur’s court.

Fistfight Potential: Traditionally a gentleman’s game, but can get ugly quickly when embraced by the crowd that can’t beat the Sega Genesis version of Chessmaster on the easy level.  I found chess to be most frustrating in that, unlike say, tennis – where one person usually trounces the other every time they play- there would be rare victories against better players, but no true breakthrough.  Sigh…if only I was good (and that last sentence was in something similar to grammatically correct English.)

1.  Monopoly

Yeah, I made a replica board on a piece of cloth that I took to school in 3rd grade - didn't everybody?

Description: You know the drill – buy and sell properties, perhaps dabble in the utility and railroad businesses, periodically make $200 just for going about your business.  The game that very likely spawned a century of rental property speculation.  Not quite the science that chess has become, but there have been statistical studies of Monopoly (I’m not gonna say anything about them, just keep buying those railroads!) and there are legitimate world championships and such.  It’s the king.

Although there are official rules, almost every home game plays by some variation: I’m a big believer in putting $500 and all the fines and sh-t into Free Parking, but that’s not in the rules.  Most people are lost on the concept of mortgage and what to do with the properties when someone dies.  Similar to chess, in this game you are looking to completely ruin your opponent – there are no friendly games of Monopoly.  Monopoly is what America is all about: empire-building, competitor-squashing, no-holds-barred success.

Enhanced by Alcohol: Yes, but not if one of your players is a compassionate drunk – that’s not what the game is about.  It’s about kicking people onto the streets and watching them starve, as you laugh and count your stacks of cash.

Fistfight Potential: When you are finishing up training in Groton, CT during the winter, there is not a lot going on.  Sure, you can hit Foxwoods if you can dig your car out of the snow, but sometimes 12 degree whether can sap the desire to even consider walking outside.  So fire up the Monopoly board, a four person game being pretty optimal.  Invariably, this sh-t got out of hand – mostly because motherf-ckers don’t know what constitutes a legitimate trade.

My trade proposals were 100% transparent – so fair that I would take either side of the trade.  Inevitably, people insisted on stupid proposals, or tried to work out earn outs (“you don’t have to pay rent if you land on my greens with hotel if you give me the last red”) or other bullsh-t.  Test the sanctity of the competition and you are likely to get punched, or at a minimum ignite a lot of arguing and board-throwing.

Also, I’m always the thimble.  Don’t even think about taking the thimble.

Later,

Chilly17

Do you recall how the Riddle of the Sphinx just turned out to be an allegory about the circle of life?  The sphinx killed a lot of innocent tourists for not catching her murky metaphor about the human lifecycle lining up with the stages of a day, until Oedipus busted out the answer (which he probably celebrated by spending some time with his mom).  Like Oedipus, as kids we all enjoyed hanging with the family and playing some board games.  Then, as teenagers, family game nights turned super lame.  Just as the metaphorical cane allows the person in the Riddle of the Sphinx to walk later in life, so does alcohol consumption allow adults to embrace game night again.

But how do the games themselves stack up?  Some games are tests of physical dexterity, some of mental acuity, some of pure chance.  Which ones are best suited for the simultaneous consumption of alcoholic beverages?  Which ones are likely to start a fistfight among close friends?  I’ll admit my exposure to board games isn’t particularly worldly – my mom wouldn’t allow games that were satanic (D&D) or involved murder (Clue) – but I’ve had my share of action.

Before anybody starts complaining – “Where’s Pictionary?  Where’s Taboo?” – I enjoy those games, they are pretty fun to play with groups of people, but to me there is far too much input for the players to consider them board games.  They are more like performance art.  I think strategy and chance are the key components to a great board game, not the ability to quickly draw simple-yet-accurate drawings or to have friends that aren’t retarded.

Imma break this into two parts, because then it will be two posts (I’m getting pretty tired)…

The Best Board Games Ever (Part I)

10.  Don’t Break The Ice / Operation

Games: Teaching kids about tragic accidents and congenital heart disease for years

Description: I’ve got to give a nod to something for the young ones and to recognize the skill/dexterity element of boarding (as we board gamers call it).  I personally despise the newer wave of skill games like Jenga, mostly because I stink at them and they aren’t really improved by enjoying a martini while playing.  (I like to think that it’s my propensity for drinking that causes the shaky hands, not my family’s propensity for getting Parkinson’s.)

Most people probably prefer operation to the lesser-known DBTI, but I preferred the latter: there was no need for batteries, there were no incredibly tiny pieces to invariably lose (although if you lost too many ice blocks in DBTI, you were really f*cked), and I liked the sense of being able to potentially protect of someone who was healthy – the Moe-looking guy on Operation had so many problems that he wasn’t long for this world anyway.  Certainly that nose was a sign of either alcoholism or skin cancer, which the game failed to even diagnose.

Enhanced by Alcohol: No, I didn’t drink much when I was five.

Fistfight Potential: Not really, kids were mostly into eating play-doh, and I don’t think grownups would be playing these much.  Still sweet games though.

Any Downside? The aforementioned lost pieces were a killer in both games.  And who ever used the money and cards in Operation?  I didn’t even know those existed until I was expertly putting that picture together.

9.  Yahtzee

Known as "Bar Dice" in Wisconsin

Description: A game that teaches probability and suggests a future interest in casino craps?  Sign me up.

Enhanced by Alcohol: Yes, in fact, when in Wisconsin I learned that the bartenders keep a Yahtzee! game for slow nights and will play it with customers – if you lose you buy a drink, if they lose, they buy you a drink – phenomenal.  One of the rare no-downside cases for the consumer.

Fistfight Potential: Not really, most people in Wisconsin are pretty amicable.

Any Downside? A great board game really shouldn’t have a diminishing element (ie a need to buy refills) – those scorecards don’t last forever.  That’s how the getcha.

8.   Uno

Learn spanish and the concepts of betrayal and retribution all at the same time!

Description: A simple card game where you attempt to screw people over and avoid being screwed.

Enhanced by Alcohol: Without question.  Uno is actually more fun as an adult, when you can though a “Draw Four” on your SO while enjoying a Red Bull and vodka and cursing and yelling.  Good times.

Fistfight Potential: The potential for collusion (not to cheat, just to screw one person disproportionately) is high, but generates less fistfights and more quitting (with a disgusted scattering of cards thrown in).

In one of the greatest achievements in word game history, I got "bonebreaker" in both games on the same day

Description: Nerd games where people who like read and stuff have an advantage.  Scrabble gets all the love, but I actually prefer Boggle and working within a framework that starts from scratch every few minutes.  I’ve actually only played Scrabble a few times as an adult, but I am badass; I have no idea why we didn’t have it as a kid given that my mom was always making me compare our scores in “It Pays To Increase Your Word Power” in Reader’s Digest and I was a champion speller (damn you, “obscured” – how does f-cking “occurred” have two r’s and you don’t!)

Enhanced by Alcohol: Maybe a bit of wine helps, but you can’t go on a real bender and expect to throw up some sweet triple word, triple letters.

Fistfight Potential: Moreso in Boggle, where strange things can happen.  I once had an SO who could trounce me in Boggle every time, despite the fact that I had prob 80 IQ points on her.  She had the strategy of making everything friggin plural and also could do all the “bad, dad, sad, lad, cad, had, zad, qad” BS….so there was usually some frustation/anger involved.

6.  Twister

Bikini Twister variant trumps Star Wars Monopoly

Description: I’m pretty sure I’ve never actually played Twister, but I really wanted to include this picture.

Enhanced by Alcohol: Um, yeah.

Fistfight Potential: Only if the baby oil runs out.

Later,

Chilly17

So I was watching Scarface the other day on the BET Network (yes, it suffers from the chainsaw torture censorship, but the music and dancing styles are timeless) and was alarmed by the mixed messages their advertisements were sending me.  As a lazy American consumer, I like to be led immediately to a conclusion, be it by overwhelming group sentiment (“you don’t have an iPhone?  You are a f-cking asshole, then”) or concise ads that point out what’s missing in my dreary existence (apparently, a wide variety of super-mops and absorbent devices).  What I got, instead, shocked me to my very core.

The first commercial was for a product that I can’t imagine was ever desired by anyone: Trojan Fire & Ice condoms.  Perhaps my birth control knowledge is antiquated, but I believe condoms are very rarely used in situations where a relationship is at the “let’s spice things up (literally, by putting something that provides varying thermal sensations to your privates)” stage.  Condoms, I believe, are mainly used in instances where alcohol has tipped the balance of power in such a way that a less attractive person has the opportunity to sleep with a more attractive person.  Since it is widely known that unattractive people will sleep with just about anyone, a condom enters the picture to prevent the spread of disease and/or unattractive babies.

The bar environment is not one where you want to be trying a Fire & Ice – a burning sensation should be nature’s way of saying “hey, maybe you just hooked up with the wrong person” not the exciting prelude to the icy stage.  And most loving, devoted long-term relationships manage to heap the birth control responsibility on the chick, just as God intended.  They aren’t sitting around having arguments that can only be solved by using Bengay-infused condoms.  Real couples looking for the fire and ice effect simply go for the time-tested Nair and Altoids method.

The condom commercial had my head spinning, and then they segue into this:

I was pretty well convinced this was a parody of some sort, but then there was no Energizer Bunny or Chris Parnell to be seen.  Apparently, Huggies actually sells diapers that look like they are jean shorts.  This is wrong on about 100 levels, not the first of which is “don’t further promote the myth that jean shorts are acceptable attire – this isn’t f-cking Canada.”  Diapers are just plastic bags that are eventually gonna hold poop, there’s no real need to decorate them.  Have you ever wondered why portajohns haven’t changed in 30 years, despite all the advances in technology and innovation?  Because they are just plastic receptacles that are gonna hold poop, that’s why.  Why bother trying to beautify something, that, at the end of the day, is gonna be sh-tty?

And why is BET trying to confuse me?  Couldn’t they put these commercials on at different times?  Am I supposed to knock somebody up or not?  Both spots are suggesting that boot knocking is a pretty solid idea, but to what end?  On the one hand, I can have what sounds like torturous climate change all in the ecosphere of an uncomfortable sheath.  On the other hand, I might end up with a kid who’s walking down the street and apparently hitting on both men and women.  Actually, those both sound terrible…maybe this is an undercover abstinence campaign?  Anyway, BET, do a better job next time.  Maybe have one of the extremely uncomfortable lube commercials on with the condom commercial?

I’ll add a little public service work before I go.  Attention, condom technologists: you aren’t doing it right, nobody wants that fiery, icy sh-t.  Here’s what you should be working on: a condom with an RFID chip that activates when the package is opened.  This sends a signal to some *Onstar like control tower in the sky, which determines the location of the chip and calls a cab to arrive at that location seven minutes after the package is opened.  One minute for awkward fumbling, two minutes for banging, four minutes of small talk (“say, it would’ve been great if for 30 seconds there was a warm sensation and for 30 seconds there was a cold sensation”) and then “my ride’s here – later.”

Send any royalties earned from sales of these condoms to chilly@wastedpotentialz.com

Later, Chilly17

Looks are even further out of a baby’s control (unless they have somehow banged their head into a shape that is no longer roundish or something), so I’ve shied away from the unattractive baby topic to keep my karma intact.  (Hell, I might’ve even been an ugly baby myself.  I doubt it, based on how good-looking I turned out, but it’s possible.  As a baby, you generally aren’t even all that concerned with how hot you look.)  But given how supermodels are always talking about how “ugly” and “awkward” they were as pre-teens, perhaps being a super ugly baby suggests that the kid will grow up to be some kind of superdupermodel?  Seems likely, so willing to take a chance on a taboo topic. /Disclaimer)

Have you ever seen that Seinfeld episode with the “breathtaking” baby, the baby so unpleasant to the eye that Jerry and Elaine recoiled in horror?  I always thought that was typical sitcom exaggeration – what baby is that ugly?  Have you ever seen the television program Friday Night Lights?  (If you haven’t, you suck, I hate you and I wish a pox upon you and all your descendants.)  You know the one with all the really attractive actors?  And the shockingly ugly baby?  The one whose head looks way too much like Kristen Wiig’s Denise character on the Lawrence Welk Show skits?

When Gracie Belle’s large melon hits the screen, we scream and hide behind our hands like we are watching Friday The 13th instead of Friday Night Lights.  Her hats would be too big for Vince Vaughn.  She inexplicably sports a mullet hairstyle preferred by balding meth addicts in the south.  And the photo above is probably the best this kid has looked since infancy – there’s literally no screen shots out there of the “real” Gracie Belle, and I certainly am not subjecting myself to capturing them (seek them at your own risk).   This casting makes particularly little sense given that the Taylors’ other child is portrayed by Aimee Teegarden.

Note there's no resemblance to Target Lady

It’ll be alright, though, GB.  I understand you are played by triplets, so there’s a good chance that 1-2 of you will grow into those oversized noggins.  You might even be the first females to play in the NBA.

Later,

Chilly17

I realized midday Thursday that the only pants I’d worn all week were the same pair of mesh shorts (except, semi-ironically, for gym time).  Fuck those zippers and buttons, ya’ll, I roll drawstring style.  I guess we all have our uniform, right?  When I worked at Taco Bell, I sported brown polyester and a paper hat (later replaced by an edgy brown visor, but if you forgot your visor you had to go back to the paper hat for the day).  In the navy, I had a literal uniform to wear.  As a banker, I was Ferragamoed out on the accessory tip, Brooks Brothered up in the suit department (yeah, I never stepped up my suit game – I put those fuckers through hell, so BB made the most sense from a practical perspective) and you know how I do on ties.  Now, it’s navy blue mesh shorts and one of many wine-stained tee shirts.

For unknown reasons, this looks causes a mix of disgusted glances and averted gazes from people I don’t even know while I’m waiting in line for food or large bottles of wine.  Occasionally, I class it up a bit by adding a white adidas sweatsuit top to the mix.  Someone tried to give me some spare change while I was waiting in line at the corner store (I told them to just come here and buy some shit on amazon instead).  Didn’t he see the fucking rolex?  Just because I bought my American flag flipflops for $3 at wal-mart doesn’t make me a charity case.  Nor does the salt-encrusted hat, that’s from running laps in the park, not sleeping on subway grates.  And I fucking hate shaving, the worst three minutes of every third or fourth day for me.

I guess the message I’m trying to impart is: clothes don’t necessarily make the idle man, comfort does.  (That’s a saying, right?  Clothes make the man?  That sounds like something my mom used to say when she was yelling at me for wearing inappropriate attire to a job interview.  At a whirlpool factory where the summer temperature averaged 110 in the – no shit – aluminum building.  Thank god I offended the hiring manager by wearing white bucks and no socks.)  Have I not labored enough in my previous professional incarnations to justify a little drawstring joy?  It’s not like I’m rocking a snuggie out on the town.   One of the perks of being a struggling blogger/trader is wearing comfortable clothing in the comfort of your own (or someone else’s) home.  (And, being the first in line at Dos Toros taqueria, because you can leave home right at 11:05 and are not constrained by some dipshit colleague’s “appropriate lunch hour” convention.  Aside: I’m seriously considering going from carnitas burrito/carne asada taco to carne asada burrito/carnitas taco – stay tuned.)

So the next time you see some guy wearing mesh shorts and a windbreaker, talking to himself on the corner, don’t reflexively try to give him the second half of your five dollar footlong.  Instead, go buy some RIMM shares, so the poor bastard’s Iron Condors will expire and he doesn’t have to spend a bunch of dough on needless commissions to unwind that trash.

Exciting New Wastedpotentialz.com Feature:  Would Flint Hit It?

Commentor Flintstone has never been shy about offering his opinion about the ladies discussed on this site.  That’s ‘opinion’ as in singular; his system is pretty much binary: “I’d hit it”/”I would not hit it”.  Given his stance on Jessica Simpson’s breath, Lady Gaga’s possible penis and other matters, I’ve come to recognize Flint as a quality arbiter of unlikely celebrity sex decisions.  (Note: If you find the last sentence offensive, just substitute “celebrity lovemaking decisions” to ease your discomfort.)  While his overall stance seems to be pro-”hitting it”, that probably mirrors our society’s loose social mores.

So I’m going to try and use Flint’s judgment to find the absolute midpoint of hitting/not-hitting it.  There won’t be any Angelinas or Megans up in this discussion, this is all about the juicy middle.  So, first up: Old School, Chubby Ricki Lake.  Flint, would you hit it?

John Waters would hit, except for the gayness

(Please note that this is a hypothetical hitting it situation that would require a time machine or at least a vivid imagination and several shared high calorie meals.  I’m trying to establish some historical perspective here.)

Flintstone’s Response:

Old School, Chubby Ricki Lake — a very interesting question Chilly.  On the surface it seems like you gave me softball question, but there are many subtle layers here.  First, in order to understand me you have to know that unlike your most of your readers a little extra “lbs” on a woman isn’t a deal breaker (or even a negative) for me. In fact, I like my women with curves.  Now, I’m not as bad as one of my uncles who told me that “the only thing a skinny woman can do for me is cook”, but generally I’d prefer Christina Hendricks to the many waifish starlets out there.  Second thing you need to know about me is that I drink a lot (especially when I was single as this question assumes).  While I don’t drink as much you Chilly, I have had my share of nights I can’t remember.  So it must said that after my 10th scotch anything female and warm would pass the “I’d hit test.”  Finally, I am unabashed starf***er.  So if the opportunity would have presented itself where I could have bumped uglies with Ricki (after she gained fame in Hairspray) or just about any other female celebrity I probably would have done it just for the story. As such, I’m going to take “would Flint hit it” test as “Would I approach said woman (even if they weren’t famous) and actively try to bring her back to my place for some adult fun?” (From a historical perspective of course.)

Now that we have the ground rules established lets take a look at Old School Ricki or as I shall call her “Hairspray Ricki” using my standards (and yes I have some) on scale of 1 to 10:

Face (5) — I think Ricki’s face is “girl next door cute.”  She’s not a knock-out but definitely not homely.

Body (4) — Wikipedia says she maxed out at 260 and that would be too much for me (although in my younger days I would have still been able to bench press her).  Now, I’ve been unable to find any pictures that look 260 to me so I’m going to go with she was about 200/210 during Hairspray. That’s definitely not a healthy weight but not a deal breaker.

Personality (7) — In Hairspray she seemed nice (even bubbly) and the picture you have of her definitely looks approachable.

Intangibles (8) — This category is hard to quantify but in Hairspray she had some good dance moves, plus any woman who’s willing to make a video of herself delivering a baby for the public is definitely not shy and probably willing to try new things in the bedroom (if you know what I mean).

Average that all out and you get a 6.  Not great but still very doable.

(Editor’s Note:  Thanks, Flint.  Your knowledge of hairspray is somewhat concerning, but your internal consensus-building process is impeccable.  Agree with your assessment that she was freaky in the sack back in the day; definitely a contentious debate at the time.  I will have a tougher challenge for you in the coming days.)

The combination of half-marathon preparation, market gyration and weak idea generation is a killer.  Ironically, the lazier I get, the more people come to this site, yesterday had the highest amount of search engine traffic I’ve seen.  Although, sadly, most of it was fetishists looking for blister porn.  Sigh….

Enjoy the weekend,

Chilly17

I was a little concerned that my characterization of an Indian classmate in the Welcome to Business School post would come across as harsh.  I wasn’t trying to make any broad generalization – I’m an enlightened white guy, for Christ’s sake.  It’s just that my personal experience with Indian females in a work/school environment has been that they talk practically nonstop and have little-to-no internal filter.  That doesn’t make me a racist misogynist asshole, it probably just suggests that my sample set is pretty small.  (One of my buddies just got engaged to an Indian gal, and she is lovely, but my experience with former colleagues carried more weight for that particular post.)  The day I wrote that post, I ended up playing some ping pong (at Spin – no, I didn’t see Susan Sarandon) with an ex-colleague who happens to be Indian, and he kicked my ass, five sets to zero (moral victory: I was all over the highlight reel).

Stream of consciousness being what it is, what with all the “Indians” and “five” and “stereotypes” and how they all fit together, I realized there are several Indian actors with prime comedic roles on television these days.  And they are funny for being funny, not for being convenience store workers (with a notable exception), taxi drivers or call center drones – which is basically the only roles Indian actors ever used to get.  (NBC Thursday nights are apparently progressive.)  Anyway, times, they are a changin.

Five Funny Indians (Well, People of Indian Descent, They Are Mostly American, But You Get The Idea)

5.  Kunnal Nayar, The Big Bang Theory

Rog on What's Happening? is still the all-time phonetic "raj"

I don’t really love the material he’s given to work with, but any character who needs alcohol as a crutch to talk to women is a friend of mine.  Nayar does portray a classic television archetype, but it is that of the uber-shy lonely nerd.  I’d say he’s a solid #2 in the ensemble,  behind the aspergy Jim Parsons.

Fun fact:  Has a business degree from the University of Portland (not as good as PhD from Caltech, but still)

4.  Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, The Simpsons

The original Octodad

Arguably should not count because he is, in fact, the proprietor of a convenience store, the lowest rung of Indian stereotype purgatory.  But Apu has generally been portrayed as a source of wisdom and a good friend – the Kwik-E-Mart gags generally poke fun at Apu and the customers about evenly.

Fun fact:  Apu is apparently not real, and is voiced by some actor who is not Indian, so definitely should not count.  But still – it’s Apu, he’s in there.

3.  Mindy Kaling, The Office

Got her big break playing Ben Affleck

Kelly is simply a talkative, nonsensical valley girl stuck in Scranton.  Her Indian heritage is only used when the writers want to shoot an episode outside the office.  The character is pretty close to my experience with Indian women in her age group, but you’d have to multiply the neuroses x100, subtract 80% of the fawning over Ryan and change her interest in “celebrity gossip” to “career accomplishments.”

Fun fact:  Is actually 6′ 3″.  The director has to use camera tricks when she shares a scene with BJ Novak (4′11″).

2.  Danny Pudi, Community

Also known as rapper Kid Pudi

His character is pretty gimmicky, like Raj’s; sometimes the pop culture shtick can be forced and wear thin.  That’s not Pudi’s fault though, he generally kills.  His Don Draper impersonation was superb (bonus points for trying the routine on Annie, who also plays Trudie on Mad Men.  I’m pretty sure Draper will be banging Trudie in season four.)

Fun fact:  Pudi went to school Marquette.  Marquette knocked off hated Kentucky in the 1994 NCAA tournament.  Jim Mcilvane was on that Marquette team, and went on to make way more money than he deserved in the NBA.  Arkansas won the NCAA tourney that year.  It was a good year.

1.  Aziz Ansari, Parks and Recreation

This man knows his thread counts

Tom Haverford rules: he’s simultaneously insecure and overconfident, loyal to his colleagues and dismissive of his station, happy and melancholy.  Equally comfortable humiliating others or being the butt of a joke.  And he changes clothes frequently and has a carefully manicured beard.

Fun fact:  He’s, unsurprisingly, a hilarious stand up.

Bonus:  Two Indians (Actual One American and One South African of Indian Descent) That Aren’t Funny

2.  Sendhil Ramamurthy, Heroes

Even douchier than this photo suggests

Sure Heroes isn’t a comedy, but Mohinder really sucks.  Or sucked, I haven’t watched that shit in years.  He deserves special recognition for that suckiness.

Fun fact:  Sendil’s cousin is Jay Chandrasekhar, of Broken Lizard and Super Troopers fame.  Sendil even had a small role in the recent Lizard offering, The Slammin Salmon.  He again failed to be anything but horrendous.  Let me reiterate: Mohinder sucks.

1.  Adhir Kalyan, Rules of Engagement

Assistants named "Timmy" are the new cousin Oliver

This addition probably begs the question: “rather than try to find another absurdly high-paying job on Wall Street, you choose to spend your time watching fucking Rules of Engagement?”  Fair question.  But actually, RoE isn’t that bad, with the exception of every second that David Spade and this fucking guy are on screen.  It’s got David- fucking-Puddy in it, how can it not be at least pretty good?  (Seriously, Patrick Warburton is a genius.)  They added Adhir as Spade’s assistant last season, and now he gets to act disgusted as he’s forced to aid his boss in trying-to-get-laid hijinks.

Fun fact:  Timmy blows.  Also, his character’s name is Timmy.  Hit the road, Timmy.

Later,

Chilly17

(Not my finest effort, but I’ve been up since 5:30.  Things are not that hilarious this early)

4:07 PM: Yeah, boy!  You know what time it is!  (Seriously, just look down there at the bottom right of your computer.  Unless you have a Mac, who the fuck knows where it is on that, probably upper left hand corner.)  There’s probably nothing lamer in the world than reading fan-generated mock drafts on your favorite teams message boards, glad I didn’t stoop to that level (much) in reading every iteration of every mock draft on the internet.  (Watching someone play solitaire, that might be lamer.

Feel free to drop me a line if you have questions about what your favorite team might do.  Let’s be clear of one thing though – unless you’re a Niners fan, your team sucks.  We have Ted Ginn now!  Ted Ginn!  He was the ninth player drafted like three years ago, he must be fantastic.  I remember when he took the opening kickoff to the house in the national championship game against Florida, and then Florida scored the next 75 points.  (That same year the Bears took the opening kickoff back in the Super Bowl, and went on to get their asses kicked.  Who knew scoring the first 15 seconds into a game would be a curse in 2007?)

6:12 PM:  It Was a Dark and Stormy Night Drink of choice tonight?  None other than some Gosling’s dark rum and Goya ginger beer.  I will also drink a shot of rum every time I see Luke Wilson – I hope I live to see picks 13 and 17.  Also planning on going to see Kick-Ass tonight.  A dark and stormy night, indeed.

6:20 PM: Shit, the NYTimes and the WSJ are live-blogging the draft?  I thought wpz might end up being one of the more august websites taking a gander at this thing.  I highly doubt they are playing Luke Wilson drinking games though.

Oh, yeah, I just found out that this blog is ranked 11,961,926 of all sites on the web.  Top 12 million!  That doesn’t sound like much until you consider there are 30 million blogs dedicated to Justin Bieber alone.  There are something like 600 million blogs, so if I ever decide to get a second MBA, I can always tout having a website in the top 2% of dumb websites.

Trying to decide what to eat.  Pondering getting Domino’s – their oven-baked sandwiches are actually stellar.  And they come with a side of pizza, which is rare.  But SO wanted to get Pita Pan Cafe – I generally feel terrible after eating there because I get a gyro with double meat and fries.  I ran 19 miles the last three days, so my cholesterol can kiss my ass.

7:34 PM: Here we go, Rams on the clock.  Bradford/Clausen reminds me of Alex Smith/Aaron Rodgers five years ago.  It’s gonna play out the exact same way.  Although Clausen does appear to be a mega-doosh.

Solved the food situation: gyros now, Domino’s later.  Compromise is a good thing.  First DnS coming my way now.

7:38 PM: Bradford, unsurprisingly.  Weak-armed spread qbs generally do pretty well in the NFL, especially those with recent injury histories.  Good luck to him, though, he seems like a good kid.  He might arguably have less talent around him at St. Louis than he had at OU – OU is likely gonna have 3 of the top 6 picks.

I’ll assume that the next two picks are Suh and Mccoy, so will focus on the drinking for a bit.

7:44 PM: SO: “Suh looks like Jay-Z”.  Actually he does a little bit.  Wonder if that suit would be baggy on me?  Monster.

There are literally thousands of draft liveblogs, the NFL is the king.  Next year I’m gonna do a mock live-blog, where I will predict what the live bloggers are gonna say.  That’s definitely the way to go.  Trendsetter.

7:52 PM: McCoy is bawling.  Pussy.  Suh will have 10x the career McCoy has.  No crying in football.  Oh, his mom died without seeing him play?  I take it all back, he’s a stud.  (Although only 23 reps on the bench?  Hit the gym a little, Gerald.)

7:56 PM: I’m expecting the Redskins to do something foolish here, like not take a tackle.  That would be nice, maybe one of the better guys will fall down to, I don’t know, 13ish.  Eric Berry?

7:58 PM: Trent Williams goes from a mid-first to the fourth pick?  Nice work in the interview rooms and at the combine, Trent.  But wasn’t he the guy who blew the assignment and got Bradford hurt?  And what’s with Goodell calling him “Silverback”?  We don’t need levity in the draft, this is serious bizness.

8:01 PM: OU with 3 of the top 4 picks – impressive that they never won the title with that crew.  Way to pick a right tackle with the fourth pick, Washington.  That was smart.  I guess Berry goes here then.

8:06 PM: Gruden may have one of the weirdest hairstyles I’ve ever seen.  It looks like it’s molded to his head like an action figure.

Berry is rockin the “tie matches the shirt” look that Regis Philbin made popular when Who Wants To Be A Millionaire came out in 1999.

8:11 PM: It’s good to see that the Seahawks will get the better tackle prospect two picks after the Skins.  That was nice of them.  Okung.  Why don’t they show John Clayton during the draft?  That dude could’ve played Freddie in that Nightmare reboot with very little makeup.

8:14 PM: I’m getting a little worried that the Niners are gonna take Clausen.  Staring at his mug on the upper right hand corner of the screen is making me wanna punch the Samsung.  Thank God for the Raiders, they will surely do something  stupid.

Damn, the Phillies are mopping the floor with the Braves.  I’m afraid that the Phillies and Yankees might both win 125 games.  Well, if Philly had sucked it up and kept Cliff Lee.

Shit, does Clausen have the same hairline as Jude Law?  WTF?  Isn’t he 21?  That’s gonna evolve into the Rob Corddry horseshoe before you know it.

8:22 PM: NOOOOOO!!!  I wanted Haden at 13!  Dammitt!!!!  Everybody is a moron, “Haden’s sliding” or “Haden’s too slow”…. fucking Cleveland.

8:24 PM: What is that facial hair Haden’s sporting?  It’s like dual pencil mustache sideburns but not connected to the jaw or the hairline.  I guess he’ll fit in well in Cleveland, that’s meth lab fashion.

Planning to see Kick-Ass at 10:45, this draft is moving along at a pretty quick pace, thankfully.  I’m hoping I won’t be offended by a 13 year old girl portraying an 11 year old girl who kills a bunch of people.

8:26 PM: Raiders on the clock – please do something incredibly stupid, Al.  Like take the 30th best linebacker.  Don’t take a lineman.  Unless it’s Bruce Campbell, you should take him.  Actually the Raiders would probably select Bruce Campbell the actor.

8:29 PM: Rolando Mcclain three picks early!  You can always count on the Raiders.  Hopefully either Davis or Bulaga will be there at 13.  Still pissed about Haden – 100% of mock drafts had him a Niner.  I smell Clausen, and it’s not a good smell.  If Buffalo doesn’t take him here, he’s gonna be in the scarlet and gold.  Dammit to hell.

8:32 PM: Buffalo takes Spiller?!?  WTF is going on here?  Don’t they already have a running back (although one who is a marijuana and domestic violence enthusiast?)  I like Spiller, but that seems like a big-time waste.  Running backs = dime a dozen.  My man DMac hasn’t done shit in Oakland and that’s probably Spiller’s fate as well.

8:38 PM: Did Jacksonville think this was the third round?  Tyson Alualu???  Last three picks are nonsense.  Bulaga and Earl Thomas would be nice.

8:40 PM: Why is SF moving up????  Dumbass move unless they only gave up a 4th or something.  If they gave up a third I’m gonna be pissed.  They probably gave up the 17th.  Is it for Thomas or Bulaga?  Guarantee it’s one of those guys.

NotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClause

nNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausenNotClausen

8:44 PM: Glad they got Davis, whew.  Not sure why they traded up.

8:48 PM: Chargers trading up for Matthews?  Hmmm….they seems a little robust, but whatever.  I haven’t seen Luke Wilson once tonight.  Tonight is a good night.

8:51 PM: Assuming Eagles are going for Earl Thomas here.  Damitt again.

8:53 PM: Broncos have traded down like 14 times already.  They are gonna have every 7th round pick.  Nice “Eagles suck” chant going on.  They do indeed.

9:00 PM: Is it my imagination or do the announcers love everybody so far?  It seems like there used to be some critical comments about player weaknesses, arrests, etc.  Not so much in 2010.

Just starting my second drink.  I am weak, but typing this shit takes forever.

9:03 PM: Looks like the Niners can get another solid player at 17.  Hopefully Thomas is around.  Maybe D. Morgan.  How about not Jimmy Clausen?

Cursed myself – Thomas to Seattle.  No way Morgan is still around at 17.  Maybe Niners go O-line wild and take Pouncey or Iupati at 17?  Pass rushers have such high bust potential.

9:10 PM:  I’m pretty sure I saw a guy with a recurring role on How I Met Your Mother in a Taco Bell commercial.  Perhaps network TV pays less than I suspected.

I’m wondering if liking Glee makes me ghey.  At a glance, it certainly seems like something I should hate.  But it actually has a pretty caustic edge to it.  I dunno…probably turning ghey.

Let’s hope the Giants take the dude with the super-long French sounding name.

9:14 PM: Yep, Jason Pierre-Phillipe or whatever.  He is one of the most distinguished multiple-juco-attending Haitian first round picks ever.  I guess the ability to do multiple back flips is key to rushing the passer.

9:21 PM: I would’ve been okay with the Niners grabbing Morgan, despite the fact that fully 68% of people with that surname are mentally deficient in multiple ways.  Iupati?  Pouncey?  More importantly, where is Luke Wilson?  I haven’t seen one AT&T commercial.  If I was running AT&T Wireless, my commercial would simply say “We have the fucking iPhone.  Nobody else does.  You’ll have to settle for our shitty network.”

9:29 PM: I’m down with Iupati.  I lived in Idaho briefly when I was enlisted in the Navy.  One time at the (only) popular bar, two Samoan dudes decided they were going to fight everyone else.  They kicked the shit out of like 25 guys.  I (luckily…for them) wasn’t there that night, but I saw all the busted up dudes the next day.  Moral of the story: if you have the option of fighting a Samoan dude in a bar, kindly pass.

I’m gonna go check the 49erswebzone and see what the reaction is.  There were some serious Iupati fanboys on there.

9:46 PM: Wow, Denver skipping over Dez Bryant.  He must be quite a dick.  C’mon, Dez, slide to #49.  Psyche – Eugene Parker can S a D after the Crabtree fiasco.

9:53 PM: Nice pick for the Pack, that Bulaga.  Sounds like a kind of expensive roe.  Supposedly a prototype right tackle, not 100% sure why the Niners didn’t just take him since Davis projects to the right.  Bulaga looks like he might enjoy hanging out with Michelle Mcgee.

9:57 PM: Waiting on the preparation of my third DnS.  Hoping that we make it to Kick-Ass, need to move things along here.  No Luke Wilson has to be the surpise of the night for me, first ElDub-free day in like three months for me.

Dez Bryant to Dallas?  Seems right, they really focus on character down there.  Not sure if I mentioned it but FUCK THE COWBOYS.  (No offense, ‘Tro.)

10:04 PM: No fucking way Tebow goes before Clausen?????????????   Are you fucking kidding me??????

10:09 PM: I really like what the Broncos are doing here, they are replacing their dickhead-but-good players with nice-but-terrible-or-unproven players.  All aboard the 4-12 train.

10:24 PM: Being a Pats fan on draft night must be horrible: trade back, trade back, trade back, trade back….then take some fucker no one has ever heard of from Rutgers.

10:26 PM: But at least he’s a good special teamer.  Solid.  Sometimes I think Belichick tries a little too hard to be smarter than everyone else.

I think purple onions might be the grossest frickin things on the planet.  That angus burger commercial had me interested until they highlighted the magenta nightmare.

10:33 PM: Who the Jets taking?  Jerry Hughes?  I don’t know who’s really left.

10:37 PM: I said Kyle Wilson right before they picked….fucking Jets….they should be pretty good, as hard as that is to admit…

10:40 PM: Surely Minnesota takes Clausen.  Most Vikings fans that I know are D-bags, Clausen is a D-bag…perfect fit?

10:42 PM: I’m out of here….To all you Vikings, Colts and Saints fans: fuck off, you have good teams….let somebody slide a few spots to wear something kind scarlety and kinda goldy…and I’m signing off so I can go see Kick-Ass….T-Nice, you are solidly in the lead for commenter of the year 2010, good luck with the Ferragamos…remember, flashier is not better (unless you are asian)…

Seriously, that dude is suddenly omnipresent.  Chillin on the couch, watching That 70’s Show – there’s ElDub romancing Donna as Kelso’s older brother, Casey.  Boom – Wilsoned.  Commercial – isn’t that Luke Wilson playing horse and shilling for AT&T?  Boom – Wilsoned.  Switch over to TBS – Old School.  Wilsoned.  Commercial for Death At A Funeral – the cast of which is apparently 90% African-American – surely I’m not about to get – boom, Wilsoned.  Fuck it, let me watch The Soup, LW is pretty chill so I’m certainly safe from him here.  There’s David Koechner doing a bit (a terrible bit), what’s he there for anyway?  Oh, promoting a shitty direct-to-video flick.  Tenure.

There's no fucking escape from ElDub

Boom.  Wilsoned.   It seems like the all-out marketing assault is about 12 years too late here.  I thought Wilson had some leading-man potential after catching Bottle Rocket back in ‘96, but most of the artistic kudos for that flick went to laid-back brother/writer/actor Owen and quirky director Wes Anderson.  At first glance, it looked like Luke’s catatonic performance was a nuanced portrayal of clinical depression in action (or inaction).  As his career has unfolded, it turns out that catatonic is his acting style, basically a monotone, lobotomized everyman.  He’s been in like 300 movies, some of which are even pretty good (based on his unwarranted inclusion in that Ferrell comedy crew), but what’s his signature role?  The boring straight man in Old School?  The boring love interest in Legally Blonde?  Honestly, I think the least boring I’ve seen the guy is in That 70s Show.  (Although Rushmore certainly rules, I only vaguely recall LW’s boring surgeon.  But I do remember Max Fischer’s response to hearing that LW went to Harvard: “Oh that’s great. I wrote a hit play and directed it, so I’m not sweating it either.”)

I’m not sure what ElDub was doing in my bathroom, he probably thought it was an open mike night or maybe the greenroom for an upcoming Qdoba commercial.  I’ll probably never know, he took off right after I walked in.  But, Luke, if you’re reading this, here’s a suggestion: cut back on the visibility a smidge?  You’re diluting the brand.  Thanks.

Notes from the field: As you may have noticed, there have been fewer posts the last couple weeks as I dealt with records for the tax man.  It’s getting to be summer though, so I’ll be cutting back a little bit so I can work on my tan.  People read less of the internetz during the summer anyhow, so it should be a net wash.  I’m strongly considering an NFL draft live blog for Thursday night, particularly since my boyz have the 13th and 17th picks (Hayden and Davis, I’m guessing).  I am even somewhat pondering getting off my ass and going to Radio City and doing the shit on location.  That’s probably tough given all the other stuff I have going on.

Later,

Chilly17

Short history lesson: back in ancient times, a man would sometimes compliment a woman (who he had invariably never met and would never meet) by saying “I would drink her bath water.”  The essence of the compliment being, she’s so frickin attractive that even doing something disgusting like drinking her effluent filth would be quasi-orgasmic.    These day’s this type of comment has evolved into something along the lines of “I’d (slow way of traveling) through (sharp or painful items) just to (one of the five senses) her (bodily function).”  Back in Britney and Christina’s heyday, you’d hear this sentiment expressed frequently about many of the young, popular ex-Mousketeers.

Times have changed, since “I’d drink Ke$ha’s bath water” (along with “I don’t like The Wire“) has never actually been uttered, written or considered.  You can check the googs if you don’t believe me (although, I guess now it has been written, so don’t bother checking.)  Sure, she’s got a catchy song or two (you know you’ve caught yourself “tick tock”ing) but she has some serious shortcomings in the hygiene area – there might be some truth to that “I brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack” business.  (Although my man Bat Rastard actually managed to offset his lack of toothbrush solely with Popov vodka for a week on spring break.)  It’s pretty much consensus opinion that she needs to be hosed down like they do in those epidemic outbreak movies.  According to more than one interviewer, she smells.  I guess I’d understand it more if she was some punk wannabe or something, but she’s just straight pop.  Anyhoo, homegirl could use a bath.

She even works in a nod to her (olfactory, not musical) funkiness in the video below, spending some time rolling around in a (water- and soap-free) bathtub.  She does deserve props for the $ in her name though, I might have to implement something like that to raise my profile around this motherfucker.  But between her and Lady G, we are quickly ruining the reputation of the American pop star from an aesthetic standpoint – they are both fairly fugnacious.  The list below is pretty much the bottom ten of my list of stuff I’d drink over her bath water – certainly a DC lime or a Gatorade would be preferable, among thousands of others.

Ten Things I’d Rather Drink Than Ke$ha’s Bath Water

10.  Okra/asparagus smoothie with a power shot of Rosie O’Donnell yeast infection

Cranberry juice is the magic solution.

9.   Clorox bleach (with lime)

8.  Glass of mop water from bucket used to clean up after Eagles’ home opener

7.  Iced coffee

6.  Sweat from Big Black’s workout gear following a bikram yoga / jumping jack session

Big and Rob splitting up is almost as sad as Dave Chappelle and Neal Brennan

5.  Prell shampoo

4.  Cup of water from the kiddie pool

3.  A (strained) glass of that weird blue liquid from a Coachella porta-potty

This one is actually 50x cleaner than any p-a-p I've ever seen.

2.  Litter box milkshake

1.  Cup-a-Soup prepared in the vagina of a Thai hooker (Prepared, not served.  Let’s not be disgusting.)

Finally got my shit to reconcizzial,

Ch;lly17