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The Evolution of Movie Selection

The Evolution of Movie Selection

The Evolution of Movie Selection
I yearn for simpler days...

 

As an old bastard/movie connoisseur, I’ve lived through parts of six different decades and it’s amazing to the degree that selecting a movie to watch has become a f*cking chore.  We’ve moved from “should we go see a moving picture tonight?” to “am I willing to sit in a roomful of assholes for two and a half hours to see this Katherine Heigl piece of sh*t that will almost certainly be the inflight movie the next time i fly Delta?”  It used to be kind of fun to roll to Blockbuster and peruse the New Releases, now it’s a grueling test of endurance to even figure out what mechanism we will use to deliver the image to our eyeballs.

 

A Decade-By-Decade Examination Of The Movie Selection Process

 

The ’70s

Things were pretty simple back then: check out the newspaper and see what’s playing…if you don’t like that, see if there’s a movie on any of the three channels you have access to.  Nothing good on?  Tough shit, go have another baby or make a pinewood derby car.

 

The ’80s

The mass market availability of the VCR in the early ’80s changed the movie selection game substantially.  Now, in addition to the above, one had the ability to go to a video store and check out what movies were available, with a far quicker turnaround than waiting for a broadcast debut.  There was little rush greater than perusing the New Release aisle and seeing an available copy of Howard The Duck, or something else that your mom thought was too stupid to pay $5 for in the theater.  (I remember once incurring some late fees because a squirrel fried itself in a transformer box, killing power to our entire neighboorhood while we had a tape in the VCR.  We didn’t think of just hauling the VCR down to the store – perhaps because it weighed about 75 lbs (the Seventeen household rarely had the most cutting-edge technology).

The VCR introduced us as a society to the unique decision of “would I prefer to see this in the theater, or in the comfort of my own home, at a time of my choosing?”  For fare such as Body Heat, the decision was simple; for Aliens, more complicated.  At the time, no one could envision how much more complex this was about to get.

 

The ’90s

The ’90s introduced the DVD (which didn’t really complicate the decision-making process as they essentially just replaced VHS tapes – although it was pretty exciting for people with limited storage space under their tv, AV nerds and pron enthusiasts) and more socially-acceptable satellite sizes (ie DirecTV) which brought Pay Per View (PPV) to the forefront.  Now there was an additional kink in the chain, the dreaded movie you wouldn’t rent at the video store, but that you might pay $5 to watch on ppv after a little too much Paul Masson rose- this is how I unfortunately ended up watching that godawful Godzilla reboot.  (Although it was a pretty sweet feeling once you finally got that DirecTV phone line thingee to work correctly, even for those not intimately interested in the 85 adult PPV channels.)

 

The 2000s (or Oughts or Whatever the Hell They Ended Up Being Called)

The 2000s didn’t really cause too much of a wrinkle, as the big development was probably Netflix (which would really shake things up in the next decade.)  There were certainly additional avenues for PPV, such as the Playstation Network, but it was pretty redundant with the cable PPV offerings so not such a huge deal.  Netflix allowed the annoying Type A people who were pissed that they couldn’t pre-reserve every f*cking movie at the movie rental store, to create a list of movies they wanted and then they’d mail that sh*t right to their Type A houses, complete with envelopes that you know those nerds put in their Daytimer so they’d remember to send back immediately after watching.  This didn’t work so much for lazy people like myself, who were willing to roll the dice at the video store (even after consistently experiencing the shocking absence of the next The Wire DVD from the store shelves at important junctures.)

One personal wrinkle was the “movie I’d watch only if on a plane” when I was traveling quite a bit.  I watched 17 Again in such a situation – something I’m not proud of (it wasn’t even the only option available – business class, homie.  I am ashamed, though.)

 

The ’10s (No One Calls This Decade Anything To My Knowledge, So Maybe I Can Start A Trend)

It’s a bit of a fib to blame the ’10s for the current glut of selections: I’m sure Netflix streaming was available prior to Jan 1st, 2010.  But for clarity of this article, let’s assume that was the case (as that’s when we started stealing the streaming from SO’s mom’s Netflix account.)  So now, with Netflix Instant (or Amazon Prime, for you Amazon nerds – look to your right, buy something!) you could watch a whole bunch of sh*t immediately, right on your tv or computer screen, for no additonal cash outlay.  Game changer.  Now, when we decide we want to watch a movie, here’s a rough description of the process.

Maybe we should watch a movie?

  1. Cool, let’s check out Netflix streaming
  2. Not much new on here, what’s in our queue again?
  3. I’m not really in the mood for The Long Kiss Goodnight again, maybe we should watch an old tv show instead?
  4. Hold on, did you try Channel 1000?  Maybe there’s some new stuff on there we wanted to see?
  5. Damn, now Channel 1000 has so much crap on it it’s separated into 3 alphabetical pages
  6. This is gonna take forever, what about HBO OnDemand?  That’s free at least
  7. I think Boardwalk Empire is too heavy for right now, what about a couple of Curb reruns?
  8. Wait, flip down to Showtime OnDemand
  9. Does Weeds still suck?  Or is it better now?
  10. Is the Playstation still on?  Let’s check out the PS Network, movies are $1 cheaper on there
  11. Did you look at Primetime OnDemand?  Have we seen all the Louies?
  12. Go back to Netflix, I think that documentary on wolverines is still on there
  13. Damn, how many horror films are on here?
  14. I’m getting tired, just push any f*cking button on any remote that will cause a moving image on the screen
  15. F*ck it, I’m just gonna read this Us Weekly from May 2009 and go to sleep
  16.  

Later,
Chilly17
Is Andy Serkis Among The Ugliest Humans Alive?

Is Andy Serkis Among The Ugliest Humans Alive?

The haircut is not helping

 

It would seemingly be pretty sweet to be Peter Jackson’s muse, with prominent roles in several well-regarded big-budget productions (oftentimes mutually exclusive adjectives).  But what if one of the strict conditions of receiving these roles is that no one ever see your (possibly hideously ugly) face?  You possess facial muscles that can make a middle-aged housewife nod knowingly with merely a nuanced arching of a computer-simulated eyebrow; does that compensate for the fact that your non-CGI visage has made even veteran crime scene photographers retch up 2-3 recent meals?  If every role required tiny light bulbs to cover your face – not only to capture the movements for the digital manipulation, but to obscure your features such that the crew would not be subject to seeing your face, undiluted?

Such is the plight of Andy Serkis, who’s the computer-generated face of Gollum, King Kong, some apes in Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes and probably some other stuff.  I know actors are supposed to have pretty thick skin, but isn’t “your fucking face is disgusting” harder to digest than “you need to lose around ten pounds, sweetie”?  Even worse, he’s almost universally lauded for these performances, with some Oscar buzz for Gollum and some more modest awards chatter for ROTPOA.  “You’re great, we love you, you captured the character perfectly – thank God we were able to edit out all of your physical characteristics.”  I’ve gotta assume AS has a pretty solid net worth, so it’s not all bad for him, but I can imagine that it kind of sucks to be his agent.

 

This is a distinct improvement

 

Ten Responses Andy Serkis’ Agent Has Definitely Heard From Casting Directors

 

1.  “We are gonna pass, but he’d be perfect if we needed to cast John Merrick’s uglier brother”

2.  “I’ll get back to you, our cameramen are negotiating for offset cameras  if we cast him, don’t know if our budget can handle it”

3.  “I think we would be much more interested if we’d figured out how to film with Andy behind the greenscreen”

4.  “Would he be interested in auditioning for the role of “1980 Saints Fan”, instead?”

5.  “Has a little too much of a Gracie Belle vibe for this part”

6.  “When we called Andy in, we had no idea that he’d been recently involved in a chimpanzee attack – did it happen on the Planet of the Apes set?”

7.  “Andy makes Paul Giammati look like a young Patrick Swayze”

8.  “Sorry, we learned our lesson with the Ray Park experiment”

9.  “Call Paramount, they are working on an Unknown Comic biopic”

10.  “God, no…he’s horrendous”

 

Later,

Chilly17

Lyrics Examined: “Right There”

Lyrics Examined: “Right There”


Nicole - Feel free to grab a cheeseburger at the poolside bar

 

The title of this post is a little misleading – I was originally just gonna take a look at the (undoubtedly meaningful and metaphorical) lyrics to the song “Right There.”  Then I watched the video, which led to even more questions.  So now this is more of a “Five Questions for the People Behind “Right There” the Song and “Right There” the Video” deal.

 Let me get it out of the way upfront that I like this song.  (It is a pretty well-established fact that I have the musical taste of a twelve year old girl.  My musical palate is as unsophisticated as my er, culinary palate.  And I love autotune.  Sue me.  Not everybody has to be into obscure bands that everyone starts to hate because they “sold out” by having a song tastefully placed in a Lexus commercial.)  It is a pretty melodic tune to like vacuum to or whatever.  I have rarely had lyrics speak to me – other than the philanthropical verses of Lady Gaga – so I generally pay little attention.  But this became a little bit of a special situation.

 
The amazing and deep lyrics, in their entirety:

 

Come here baby eh be my baby

Eh be my baby oh oh oh
Come here baby put your hands on my body
Hands on my body oh oh oh
Right there keep it right there
I love when you put it right there yeah
Oh oh oh yeah yeah yeah oh oh oh
Yeah yeah

Me like the way that you hold my body
Me like the way that you touch my body
Me like the way that you kiss my yeah yeah yeah yeah me like it
Me like the way that he put it on me
Me like the way that he push up on me
Me like the way that he goin’ down down down down down
Down down down down down

I aint never gonna let no girl take him from me
Never gonna let no girl steal him from me
Never gonna let no girl get that close now
I tell’em hey hey your’e too close now

CHORUS:
Come here baby eh be my baby
Eh be my baby oh oh oh
Come here baby put your hands on my body
Hands on my body oh oh oh
Right there keep it right there
I love when you put it right there yeah
Oh oh oh yeah yeah yeah oh oh oh
Yeah yeah

I like the way that you talk dirty
Don’t wash your mouth out I like it dirty
You like to please yeah I like that yeah yeah yeah yeah me like it
I like the way that you keep me coming
Yeah yeah you so good you had me running
Me like the way that he goin’ down down down down down
Down down down down down

No I ain’t never gonna let no girl take him from me
Never gonna let no girl steal him from me
Never gonna let a girl get that close now
I tell’em hey hey you’re too close now

CHORUS:
Come here baby eh be my baby
Eh be my baby oh oh oh

Come here baby put your hands on my body
Hands on my body oh oh oh
Right there keep it right there
I love it when you put it right there yeah
Oh oh oh yeah yeah yeah oh oh oh
Yeah yeah

Do he know how to work it?
he got that got that
Put it on you work it
he got that got that
Do you real good for your lay it down good for you yeah
He got that got that
All my girls if your man put it down let me hear you say yeah
All my ladies if you man put it down let me hear you say yeah
Do he work that? How like you like that?
When he throw the bone attcha do you bite back?
Say yeah all my girls say yeah
If he makes you feel good

CHORUS:
Come here baby eh be my baby
Eh be my baby oh oh oh
Come here baby put your hands on my body
Hands on my body oh oh oh
Right there keep it right there
I love when you put it right there yeah
Oh oh oh yeah yeah yeah oh oh oh
Yeah yeah

Come here baby come be my baby
Come be my baby oh oh oh
Come here baby put your hands on my body
Put your hands on my body like yeah
Right there keep it right there
I love when you love me say yeah oh oh oh

CHORUS:
Come here baby eh be my baby
Eh be my baby oh oh oh
Come here baby put your hands on my body
Hands on my body oh oh oh
Right there keep it right there
I love it when you put it right there yeah
Oh oh oh yeah yeah yeah oh oh oh
Yeah yeah

 

Five Questions for Nicole Scherzinger, James Scheffer, Ester Dean, Frank Romano, Daniel Morris and Anybody Else Creatively Responsible for “Right There” and its Video

 

1.  For the songwriters – James Scheffer, Ester Dean, Frank Romano and Daniel Morris, according to some random website that is probably pretty inaccurate – what the f*ck is up with the first person pronouns here??  “Me” when it should be “I” then back to correct usage, then back to “me” – they’re both one syllable, so doesn’t seem like it would trip up any tricky pentameter schemes here.  Is “me” inherently sexier than “I” or something?  Is she supposed to be channeling Cookie Monster or somebody?  I don’t quite get it.

2.  Also for the songwriters –  This shit took four of you to write?

3.  For everybody involved, could you please make the sex metaphors a little more straightforward? These are pretty lacking – on a scale of one to Ready For The World – these fall a Jheri-curl or two short of the mark.  That “put it on me, push up on me” business has me pondering whether the guy is putting on her bra instead of the more standard removing her clothes during “put it right there” type situations.  Then she’s celebrating when her man “puts it down” – which sounds more like a remix of every 1980s female comic’s bit about their man’s toilet seat habits than a sultry call to get busy (or put on clothes, who knows what’s really going on here).

Color them unimpressed - lyrics like "I'm so deep inside of you girl" required little examination

 

4.  Is this really how you protect your territory?  I appreciate that some time was taken to establish that Nicole is pretty protective of her man – although it’s somewhat indeterminate as to whether it’s sexual prowess or just that he religiously puts down the toilet seat; the first twenty lines of lyrics establish this fondness and suggest that she’ll be fiercely protective of her territory.  No telling what she’s f*cking likely to do if some girl threatens to “steal him from me, take him from me”?  She’s probably gonna shoot a bitch, right?  Pull some hair at a minimum?  How about politely telling her “you’re too close now.”  That’s not gangsta, that’s after-school speciala.

5.  Was 50 Cent cast in the video only because they realized they probably needed to put a dude in it somewhere?  The video is hilarious; 50 Cent has less chemistry with Scherzinger than my coffee table does with the stack of Chipotle napkins that I put down, down, down on it.  And for all the talk about how her man is touching her, the video is completely devoid of that – at one point, 50 Cent did get pretty near her, but I believe her parka prevented actual contact.  For a song that is ostensibly about a guy touching a girl, the video medium show’s zero physical contact – mostly it’s just girls in some weird looking combination of swim/outerwear dancing around with bizarre ponytails and shit.  Makes me strangely nostalgic for I miss the Pussycat Dolls (which is kind of weird, because everytime I see their founder on SYTCD it causes me to have PTSD-type symptoms for a couple days).

 




 

Later,

Chilly17

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