Archive for the ‘Pop Culture’ Category

I just realized yesterday that I know an architect.  I wish I didn’t.  Not that I hate architects or anything – although the dick who designed our apartment to interfere with any signal that the T-Mob throws out is certainly not a favorite – but I always kind of wore it as a badge of honor not knowing one.  (Like my old banking buddy that had never been to Hoboken and swore to keep it that way; everybody has to have their thing.)  Why did I like not knowing an architect?  Because architect is one of the “Big Four” tv (and movie) careers, that is massively overrepresented onscreen compared to the people you actually know in real life.  Mike Brady, Ted Mosby, the love interest on basically every f*cking female-led sitcom ever…hell, even George Costanza aspired to pretend to be an architect, and he was getting all kinds of ass.  Not knowing a single architect – and knowing far less cops and doctors than you’d guess from tv – served as a constant reminder that television – even reality television – rarely resembled the real world.

Let’s look at the situation analytically and graphically, in the form of some sweet pie charts.  The graph below not only illustrates the limited professional worldview of the typical Hollywood writer, but also the stellar Excel skills that can be gleaned from a $100k MBA and seven years working in finance.

Source: Empirical observations of somebody who watches a shitload of television

This next pastry-shaped masterwork depicts life as we all know it (and before you start bitching about how you know 300 lawyers, they are included in the big categories.  Every lawyer eventually ends up at a company or, most likely, in finance where they can make more dough in less hours while acting like bigger jerks.)

Source: Office of Statistics I Made Up But That Look Pretty Plausible white paper, January 2011.

Why are there no bankers on tv?  Every corporate raider on tv is inaccurately described as an “investment banker” (you will quickly recognize these characters, they typically also rape a puppy or something at some point during the program, as that is more subtle than just wearing a black mask and carrying a sack of money with a big $$$ on it.)  I guess one reason all the efforts to bring the vibrant world of finance to the small screen have failed is because the crises don’t resonate as compared to a patient in cardiac arrest or a dramatic closing statement; “I NEED THESE COMPS UPDATED ASAP!” doesn’t carry the same emotional weight.  Nor does “WHY IS THIS DATA TABLE LEGEND IN TIMES NEW ROMAN?????!!!!!????”  Given that probably less than 3% of bankers’ parents could give a reasonable facsimile of their banker kids’ job description, the relative professional anonymity probably makes sense.

But still, architects?  Come on tv writers, let’s cool it with all the big drafting tables.  And, L-Money, I’m considering defriending you so I can go back to the way it was.

Later, Chilly17

(Editor’s Note: I’m gonna quit writing on here about how I’m rededicating myself to this site, blah, blah, blah…because everytime I do, my dad has a stroke.  So I will just add that I hope to be somewhat more focused in the future.  This site took down almost $2 in straight cash last month, homie, and I think there’s more where that came from (especially when motherf*ckers click on ads and isht.)

1.  Determine the latest showtime that will work for the group of people planning to attend – after  midnight is best.

2.  Arrive at neighborhood bar – on trivia night, if possible – at least five hours prior to showtime.

3.  Drink a couple of Stellas.

4.  Order some deep-fried food – I’d recommend the boneless wings and mo’ sticks.

5.  Do a quick calorie count – if you have consumed over 2,000 calories since entering the bar, switch to vodka/sodas.

6.  Determine that counting calories (and sleeping) is foolish and switch to Red Bull and vodkas.

7.  Stay on Step 6. for several hours.

8.  Have your SO stop at the liquor store to pick up some contraband to smuggle into the movie (kudos if SO brings TWO bottles – one for the theater and one replace the Svedka bottle at  home that has become a kick-ass water bottle.)

Is Doug always missing the action part of the joke?

9.  (Optional) Win a free Red Bull and vodka for knowing some shit about architecture.

10.  Once you feel that you are completely anesthetized for the painful-if-sober moviegoing experience, head for the theater.

11.  Split your group into separate factions: one ticket-purchaser, one food-procurer, one line-stander.

12.  Ask everyone in line “Is this the line for Kung Fu Panda 2?  I hear that movie’s awesome” in a double-edged attempt to a) be funny, and b) improve your return on DWA options from -175% to -165%.

13.  Once inside, order large Diet Sprites (if available) with lots of ice.  (Movie theater ice melts immediately upon contact with outside booze.  One time when I was a kid we smuggled in some 100 proof vodka that was like $0.35/bottle and all the ice disappeared instantaneously.  When I asked the girl to add some ice she dumped everything out and said she’d just give me a refill instead.  I think that movie theater still reeks of Prospov 100 proof.)

14.  Carefully choose seats that will allow you to pour the drinks discretely while maximizing your distance from people who you will – even in your drunken state – perceive as assholes during the movie.

15.  Dominate up to 20 Chicken Mcnuggets before the previews start.

16.  Enjoy the show!  (I thought it was pretty good despite the terrible reviews, but we were in pretty optimized spirits by the time the movie got going.  I don’t remember many specifics other than it was structured exactly like the original, and accessible even to someone who’d consumed way too much Red Bull and way too much vodka.  One question, though: WHERE WAS HEATHER GRAHAM!!!!)

I'm guessing it wasn't her appearance at the London premier that kept her out of the sequel?

17.  (Optional) Grab some pizza so that you can continue enjoying some vodka (with diet ginger ale) while watching NewsRadio on Netflix until it’s light outside.

Happy Memorial Day,

Chilly17