Browsed by
Category: Random Searches

Search Me: June 2011

Search Me: June 2011


I received an email from the Internet that this was the only website not to throw up some Kate Upton images and that if I didn’t rectify that immediately I’d have to turn in the keys.  So that up there is a Kate Upton – apparently an internet/swimsuit modeling/glassholding sensation.  Personally, I don’t see what all the hubbub is about.  Anyway, she posts a lot of pictures to her twitter account, so I recommend checking it out if you are interested in that kind of thing.  If you like to read about people bitching about the disappearance of the beefy crunch burrito or complaining about cable companies, my twitter feed is probably for you.

Given that I am lazy as fuck, the easiest post for me to do is one that shows the random searches that led people here last month.  About 1500 unfortunate souls made their way here, mostly searching for info on douchebag bankers or goatees.  (That’s a lie – about 70% of the folks are looking into candy bars and ugly babies – but who wants to be typecast?)  Some people get here on “long-tail” searches, which means an absurd combination of words that should stand the test of time if The Algorithm somehow decides your site is the place to be.  I have some stuff I want to write about, but my current circumstances rarely provide opportunity for that much frivolity.  But I’m becoming even more obsessed with random 80’s videos/music and I’m sure that will interest at least 7 people reading this, when I get around to it.  Anyhow, this counts as a post, so suck it, Big G.


Categories of Searches That Led People Here This Month (with the search terms in bullets in case you are retarded)


I Apologize In Advance For Asking This, Mr. Search Engine

  • i know this is mean but the baby on friday night lights is ugly


That Sounds Inappropriate For A Family Website Like This

  • mesh shorts cock
  • diablo cody slang masturbating
  • historical figures i d like to fuck
  • filthiest offended
  • what movie does selma blair have sex with samuel jackson
  • oral sex and goatee
  • masturbation in submarines
  • elizabeth perkins fucking
  • white raper from trailer park boys


The Internet’s Leading Authority On Anal Leakage

  • do pork rinds cause anal seepage
  • funions anal leakage
  • does special k cracker chips cause anal leakage
  • sun chips=diarrhea
  • munchos chips diarrhea
  • do pork rinds cause anal leaking?
  • pork rhines cause anal leakage?
  • munchos anal seepage


I Thought I Was Mean

  • gracie bell cryptkeeper
  • how ugly is the baby on friday night lights??
  • gracie bell crypt keeper
  • is something wrong with the little girl gracie on friday night lights


No Idea How You Got Here From There

  • vin diesel in a pair of tighty whities
  • guy fieri wearing jorts
  • taking chantix and abilify together
  • jordan porter blacksburg
  • %
  • flamin hot funyuns hair mediatakeout
  • elisha cuthbert incredible feet
  • donka doo stud
  • have an mind of your own
  • desk is honey badgered



I'm beginning to get it...




Search Me

Search Me


This site has been around for over two years now – I can’t even remember 75% of the stuff that I’ve put on here at this point – and gets a fair amount of inbound traffic from the search engines.  Most of the searches are for such important topics as “top candy bars,” “ugly baby fnl,” or “gaga poetry,” but I get a bit of “long tail” search traffic.  “Long tail,” in the parlance of SEO experts, means “weird shit that people type in google that somehow leads back to your site.”   Take a look.



50 Random Search Terms That Somehow Led People Here in April/May

(My comments in parentheses where appropriate, like right here)


1.  why is my urine the same color as red bull  (I don’t believe I typed this after last Friday night, but I certainly could/should have)

2.  fiery habanero doritos dipped in cream cheese  (Fodder for a future column)

3.  grave cereal

4.  will micronauts ever come back  (One can hope)

5.  banking ties brooks eurotrash

6.  mom wins drinking contest  (Good job, Mom)

7.  solitary drinking games  (I have seen this numerous times – hilarious or sad?)

8.  in the girl with the dragon tattoo was the lead actress anally raped?  (Between this and all the “funyuns anal leakage” searches I’m starting to feel typecast)

9.  americas best dance crew ticker symbol

10.  office edicate bluetooth heads set

11.  shia labeouf screech

12.  chantix and wine

13.  paralyzed by the exaggerated bling  (Look away then)

14.  is cat deeley a complete bitch?  (Bite your fucking tongue)

15.  half shirt breakdance  (Chelsea gym member, no doubt)

16.  is it okay to eat funyuns if you have high cholestrol

17.  spencer pratt investment banker -hills -montag

18.  eddie munster s hairline

19.  taco bell mesh shorts  (Fantastic idea)

20.  wasted potential running shirts  (Also solid)

21.  could i be a foot model  (I certainly could)

22.  honey badger buttons  (I don’t recommend pushing them)

23.  ode to sheneneh

24.  drinking game for the movie hoosiers

25.  kristen wiig smoking pipe

26.  gq running brioni he knows a guy at the label

27.  what is carly foulkes motivation?  (Not sure, but I’m guessing being hot and making money?)

28.  what does wasabi kit kat taste like  (I see this a lot, too – it tastes like fucking wasabi-laced KitKat, okay?)

29.  joe rogan newsradio unabomber

30.  the running man too violent  (The movie or the dance?)

31.  jeremy piven full frontal  (Why?  And how the hell did you get directed here???)

32.  del scorcho vs. del inferno  (Scorcho for taste, inferno for heat)

33.  what font is used for charvet

34.  natalie portman works out

35.  elizabeth perkins fucking

36.  lady gag as anti pants movement  (Interesting typo, works a few different ways)

37.  omar little bastard  (I hope this is trying to find Kenard, he was the little bastard)

38.  im not a great conversationalist

39.  craps giger beer  (These are a few of my favorite things)

40.  best drinking games with the ipad

41.  how many cabs in a chick-o-stick  (Sounds like a Nice N Smooth jam)

42.  zooey deschanel aspergers

43.  drink his bathwater that would be nice  (For who?)

44.  i cant hit 80 mph baseballs

45.  malt liquor martini

46.  trends in pubic hair  (Mention it once in your website, suddenly you’re an expert)

47.  jenny eat something  (Always double down on 11)

48.  the wash sale rule is a fucking joke  (Preaching to the choir, brother)

49.  everyone thinks i m great except my ex

50.  were flamin hot cheetos ever purple