“When you don’t know what to write, just write any shit that comes to mind.” – Tolstoy
Cat vs. Eagle – I thought this would clearly be a rout in favor of the eagle, but the internet seems somewhat divided on the likely results. Apparently, many people own badass cats that kill wolves and shit. The cat that lives in my apartment is scared of pretty much everthing, including packets of fire sauce.
Taco Bell – I just had some: 2 hard-shell tacos, 1 cheesy double beef burrito (sublime) and a chicken quesadilla and about 60 packets of fire sauce. I was there at the crack of 10:30, first customer of the day. Is there a better way to kick off a Taco Tuesday?
Lost – For a show I’ve never seen one second of, it sure generates a lot of Entertainment Weekly covers. I’m assuming it’s got a bit of a Gilligan’s Island vibe, easily encapsulated episodes detailing that week’s wacky efforts to get off the island?
Nipples – It’s possible that I’ve chafed mine entirely away – now I know what breastfeeding mothers are always complaining about! I had to do a ten mile run on a treadmill yesterday, as for some reason it’s cold as shit and windy as shit in NYC, despite the fact that it is mid-May. We are running a half marathon on the 22nd, I shudder at the thought of having to give up alcohol for another week. Yikes.
Arrested Development – All the episodes just showed up on Netflix On Demand (or whatever you call the Netflix on PS3. Or Wii. If I could remember what my wifi password is, I could get netflix at least three different ways.) It’s good and all, but I’m not sure it merits all the superlatives it received during its brief run. The pacing is definitely different, and it’s possible that my terrible hearing is not giving me the full AD experience, as I think there’s a lot of humor in the throwaway lines. And Will Arnett is brilliant (but so frickin creepy, not sure he could ever play anyone remotely normal). Definitely a lot of talent and good writing, but I don’t think it’s as funny as this year’s top freshman sitcoms: Community and Modern Family. (It is infinity squared times better than Cougar Town, however.)
Content distribution – Is it possible there are too many ways to watch shit now? Your options used to be: watch a movie in the theater, rent the video, wait for it to hit HBO, or wait for it to hit regular tv. Or never see it, because it’s shit. Now, the tiers are never-ending. I can get movies from netflix (at least three different ways), movies on demand, the playstation network, internet piracy, straight to cell phone. WTF – no wonder I can’t think of anything to write about, I’m constantly inundated by shit. And I’m tired from running ten miles. And my nipples hurt.
Here’s a simple five step process to improve your life immediately:
1. Go to a store
2. Purchase a six pack of Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs
3. Eat 4-5 Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs
4. Keep in the back of your mind that you still have 1-2 Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs available
5. Re-assess your life. Better?
It works, trust me. I’ve had a baker’s dozen RPBEs so far this Easter season, have had to cut back a bit due to fatness issues. So delicious – as I’ve mentioned before, the lack of ridges (as compared to the Reese’s cups) result in a higher peanut butter to chocolate ratio, an improvement your taste buds will appreciate. I’m pretty sure I could win an eating competition involving either Reese’s Eggs, ice cream sandwiches or Funyuns. Not so much one of those freakish competitive eater ones where it’s all about intake technique and distending your stomach, but one involving normal humans with relatively normal appetites and body sizes. Yeah, I’d place well in those. (Probably appropriate to add that I have also shown well in Goldschlager drinking competitions.)
I have a 90% complete post ready that I could’ve just finished, but there’s a lot of crap I wanted to add of a personal nature, so that post would’ve been 13,000 words. So f the b, I’m just gonna write whatever this shit is and then I’m already ahead of the game for next week. Which is probably good given that I’m running a 15k on Sunday and might be a little off my game.
15k Run I have had to purify myself a little ahead of the 15k (particularly in light of some poor drinking-related decision making last week). I haven’t had any booze since last Saturday. It turns out that I quite enjoy alcohol. This abstinence has also affected my writing process, which typically looked like this:
1. Have some Yellow Tail
2. Type words
3. Hit “publish” button.
So, I have clearly sacrificed a lot for this run. I was hoping to finish in 80 minutes, but I forgot about the dastardly extra .2 miles that comes with every 10k. So it’s 9.3 miles, not 9.0 miles. That’s almost exactly a 7.0 mph pace, no danger of maintaining that. So I guess I’ll be happy with 83-85 minutes. But since I’ll be all Asiced-out, I’ll probably be happy just because of how coordinated my outfit is. Am planning on showering up and hitting a Mexican cantina immediately following the run, having about 15 margaritas (extra shot $1 more!) and then going to see Hot Tub Time Machine. Today and tomorrow are gonna be some boring-assed days.
Las Vegas Watch Las Vegas reruns on TNT – you probably do not realize how often Vegas casinos have bombs, murderers, terrorists – or some combination of all three – in them.
NCAA Tourney Following up on T-Nice’s comment from yesterday, my epic hangover last week prevented me from catching much of the equally-epic first round games (well, the Thursday games were epic). I did catch the end of the Kansas-UNI game on Saturday; watching UNI try to inbound against the press was like watching a dog perform laproscopic surgery: awkward and inefficient. Classic “No!No!No!Yes!Yes!Yes!” moment when the Iranian kid pulled up for the three pointer, ice water. A humble suggestion to MSU: go with the full court press.
I also don’t follow college hoops as closely these days because I frickin hate the One-And-Done policy. Some of those kids should go directly to the NBA; I find it a little distracting that these guys can cause very brief spikes for some random programs, like Beasley and K-State. Wait – they’re good again this year? What? (You could probably also argue that some dumbass kids who would’ve declared straight out of high school and never been drafted are now going to college and maybe will get a better idea of their draft prospects and stay for a few years. Whatever, I’m talking about the top tier guys.)
This year reminds me a little of 2003, I probably would’ve picked Kentucky to win it all based on the “best pro prospect by a mile” theory. (Although, full disclosure, I had ‘Cuse losing in the title game that year, costing me the pool.) According to Chad Ford, Kentucky might have five first round picks, so they should be pretty fucking good. “Easy to pick Kentucky now, Dick, when they look like the prohibitive favorite” – I can hear you saying that. But I have some bracket bonafides: in 2008 I had the entire left side of the bracket correct going into the Sweet Sixteen. And I had Kansas winning it all. (I still finished second. I think those analysts fucking pencil-whipped me somehow). Anyhoo, there’s also a great chance that UK will get their ass beat next round, the tourney is obviously pretty unpredictable. That would be fine, I fucking hate UK. They used to routinely kick Arkansas’ ass, even during the golden years of Corliss and crew.
Bottom line: the previous three paragraphs did not provide much illumination beyond that the prohibitive favorite may, or may not, win the tournament. (There’s a reason this column isn’t available only on ESPN Insider.)
OK Go While not as joy-inducing as the “Here It Goes Again” treadmill video, this one is much more ambitious and it allegedly required 78 takes to actually get it right. What is a Rube Goldberg machine, anyway? They should make an Adam Goldberg machine that serves no real purpose but makes weird noises and needs to shave its eyebrows.
Earnings Update A pretty solid week overall, made $0.10. Sure, it’s not quite as lucrative as investment banking, but every dime adds up. When I’m 107, I will likely have paid off my bar tab from last week, assuming there’s no inflation and that I continue to spend like 10 hours a week on this. Not too shabby.
But enough about me – what should you be looking to do with your hard-earned cash? Sure, everybody has a flat screen these days, big whoop, right? If you really want to impress your friends, how about this OUTDOOR flat screen? 55 inches of all-weather goodness. Hang this out on your balcony, play some catch with your Hermes glove, spray the house directly at the TV – won’t hurt it at all. You, my friend, are set for summer.
I haven’t done a lot of investigative journalism on this site, largely because it sounds pretty hard. Consumer activism, sure – we all deserve to have access to reasonably priced salsa. But up to this point, I really haven’t had the energy or inclination to seek out answers to any of life’s mysteries or anything like that. Until now, that is. I recently took a flight to Japan for the sole purpose of acquiring a wasabi KitKat. Why does this product exist? What reasonable person would purchase this? How long after ingestion before you feel the urge to regurgitate? It even ties back to my most noteworthy post, where I mentioned the insane KitKat flavors available in Japan. (With no slight intended, I think we can all agree that Japanese culture is pretty damn weird when viewed from the lens of “not insane.” Something like 35% of the population of Japan owns a stuffed AFLAC duck. People actually live in drawers like that Seinfeld episode. Dudes have public relationships with large dolls. Even the Japanese find themselves to be bizarre, so crazy food is to be expected.) One quick observation: the Japanese fucking love them some KitKats. There’s like 3,000 different varieties. Come to think of it, I probably should have bought more than just this one box, now I will probably have to go back to try the flavor with the inexplicable red-faced demon on the package.
Startlingly jetlagged after my run to Japan and back, I decided to get some rest before the taste test, wanting the WKK to have the benefit of a level playing field. For the playing field, I used our kitchen counter, and even set the WKKs next to the wastedpotentialz happy first birthday cupcake for comparison’s sake. (Yeah, that’s a Reese’s cup atop the cupcake – making it a cupcake on multiple levels – and it’s that Reese’s peanut butter egg time of year. Haven’t seen one yet, but I’m gonna load up when I do.) Let’s get down to bizness.
Wasabi KitKat Taste Test
Appearance: The WKK looks like a normal white chocolate KK, right down to saying “KitKat” in plain old English. (In case it isn’t obvious, I don’t have giant-sized hands – these are bite-sized KKs. In fact my hands are pretty dainty, which probably explains why I could never quite dunk. Stupid tiny hands.)
Rationale: Unclear. Must be purely cultural, as I can think of no logical reason that one would desire a combination of wasabi and candy bar. Although given that the Japanese apparently also enjoy squid- and gravel-flavored KitKats, what do I know?
Taste: Ever eaten a white chocolate candy bar? You know, where your taste buds immediately scream “this is fucking delicious” but by the end of the bite they are saying “hey, that’s kind of too fucking sweet!”? A similar process is in play here, except for after that first “this is fucking delicious” part, imagine someone came up to you and squirted some horseradish in your mouth. Somewhat unpleasant. (Must be the tannins – it’s always the tannins that fuck up the finish.)
Overall: I’m gonna give this an official grade of blechhh.
Something New Is Going On Here, But What?
That smell you smell? Capitalism. Just look to your right, you see it up there? That’s an Amazon.com ad. See, if that ad causes one of your synapses to fire up the “I need to buy something and I’m too lazy to type in amazon.com so maybe I’ll just click here to spare myself the effort” process, then I will make some cash if you buy something. How much cash? A lot of cash, assuming you well-to-do motherfuckers (I see where you work, you guys/gals are some BSDs) spend all of your disposable income at amazon. I’m talking a couple of burritos per month kind of cash.
You are probably wondering, what’s the downside? Will Chilly have access to my credit card information or know what kind of products I’m buying? The answer is no and no. So TDiddy, continue to order marital aids with wild abandon. 1#, no one will find out about your bulk orders of Tuck Medicated Pads or your purchase of TheDummies Guide to the NFL. This is a veritable win-win situation. Actually, I guess it’s more of a win-don’t lose situation, since I’m really the only one that comes out ahead on this deal. But I promise you that this cash grab will not change the attitude, content or ideology behind this blog.
Bonus Product Review: Swisher 66-Inch Zero Turning Radius Pro Series Riding Lawn Mower with 27 HP Kohler Courage VTwin Engine
Comfort: The model I tested had the heated leather seats and DVD option – the thing is so fucking comfortable we moved it into the living room and now favor it over the couch. The engine is ninja-silent and changing the bags is a breeze. Also, it looks badass. Grade: A+++
Performance: I mowed our backyard in less than five minutes with this mower – impressive. Honestly, I think I could take care of our entire block’s lawnmowing needs with this badboy. They advertise 27 hp, but it feels more like 350 or so; I’m certain it could run with my old 911. Grade: A++++++
Value: Absent prior knowledge of the price, I assumed this machine was in the $8-9k range. However, I found it for only $6,371.74 at Amazon.com! (They really have everything there, at great prices – I love that place.) Deal of the century. Grade: A+++++++++++++++++
Overall: Consider yourself a fucking moron if you don’t buy one (or more, having a backup mower is always smart) of these right now. Grade: A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++