“When you don’t know what to write, just write any shit that comes to mind.” – Tolstoy

Cat vs. Eagle – I thought this would clearly be a rout in favor of the eagle, but the internet seems somewhat divided on the likely results.  Apparently, many people own badass cats that kill wolves and shit.  The cat that lives in my apartment is scared of pretty much everthing, including packets of fire sauce.

Taco Bell – I just had some: 2 hard-shell tacos, 1 cheesy double beef burrito (sublime) and a chicken quesadilla and about 60 packets of fire sauce.  I was there at the crack of 10:30, first customer of the day.  Is there a better way to kick off a Taco Tuesday?

Lost – For a show I’ve never seen one second of, it sure generates a lot of Entertainment Weekly covers.  I’m assuming it’s got a bit of a Gilligan’s Island vibe, easily encapsulated episodes detailing that week’s wacky efforts to get off the island?

Nipples – It’s possible that I’ve chafed mine entirely away – now I know what breastfeeding mothers are always complaining about!  I had to do a ten mile run on a treadmill yesterday, as for some reason it’s cold as shit and windy as shit in NYC, despite the fact that it is mid-May.  We are running a half marathon on the 22nd, I shudder at the thought of having to give up alcohol for another week.  Yikes.

Arrested Development – All the episodes just showed up on Netflix On Demand (or whatever you call the Netflix on PS3.  Or Wii.  If I could remember what my wifi password is, I could get netflix at least three different ways.)  It’s good and all, but I’m not sure it merits all the superlatives it received during its brief run.  The pacing is definitely different, and it’s possible that my terrible hearing is not giving me the full AD experience, as I think there’s a lot of humor in the throwaway lines.  And Will Arnett is brilliant (but so frickin creepy, not sure he could ever play anyone remotely normal).  Definitely a lot of talent and good writing, but I don’t think it’s as funny as this year’s top freshman sitcoms: Community and Modern Family.  (It is infinity squared times better than Cougar Town, however.)

Content distribution – Is it possible there are too many ways to watch shit now?  Your options used to be: watch a movie in the theater, rent the video, wait for it to hit HBO, or wait for it to hit regular tv.  Or never see it, because it’s shit.  Now, the tiers are never-ending.  I can get movies from netflix (at least three different ways), movies on demand, the playstation network, internet piracy, straight to cell phone.  WTF – no wonder I can’t think of anything to write about, I’m constantly inundated by shit.  And I’m tired from running ten miles.  And my nipples hurt.

Bling bling indeed,

Chilly17

Here’s a simple five step process to improve your life immediately:

1.  Go to a store

2.  Purchase a six pack of Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs

3.  Eat 4-5 Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs

4.  Keep in the back of your mind that you still have 1-2 Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs available

5.  Re-assess your life.  Better?

It works, trust me.  I’ve had a baker’s dozen RPBEs so far this Easter season, have had to cut back a bit due to fatness issues.  So delicious – as I’ve mentioned before, the lack of ridges (as compared to the Reese’s cups) result in a higher peanut butter to chocolate ratio, an improvement your taste buds will appreciate.  I’m pretty sure I could win an eating competition involving either Reese’s Eggs, ice cream sandwiches or Funyuns.  Not so much one of those freakish competitive eater ones where it’s all about intake technique and distending your stomach, but one involving normal humans with relatively normal appetites and body sizes.  Yeah, I’d place well in those.  (Probably appropriate to add that I have also shown well in Goldschlager drinking competitions.)

I have a 90% complete post ready that I could’ve just finished, but there’s a lot of crap I wanted to add of a personal nature, so that post would’ve been 13,000 words.  So f the b, I’m just gonna write whatever this shit is and then I’m already ahead of the game for next week.  Which is probably good given that I’m running a 15k on Sunday and might be a little off my game.

15k Run I have had to purify myself a little ahead of the 15k (particularly in light of some poor drinking-related decision making last week).  I haven’t had any booze since last Saturday.  It turns out that I quite enjoy alcohol.  This abstinence has also affected my writing process, which typically looked like this:

1.  Have some Yellow Tail

2.  Type words

3.  Hit “publish” button.

So, I have clearly sacrificed a lot for this run.  I was hoping to finish in 80 minutes, but I forgot about the dastardly extra .2 miles that comes with every 10k.  So it’s 9.3 miles, not 9.0 miles.  That’s almost exactly a 7.0 mph pace, no danger of maintaining that.  So I guess I’ll be happy with 83-85 minutes.  But since I’ll be all Asiced-out, I’ll probably be happy just because of how coordinated my outfit is.  Am planning on showering up and hitting a Mexican cantina immediately following the run, having about 15 margaritas (extra shot $1 more!) and then going to see Hot Tub Time Machine.  Today and tomorrow are gonna be some boring-assed days.

Las Vegas Watch Las Vegas reruns on TNT – you probably do not realize how often Vegas casinos have bombs, murderers, terrorists – or some combination of all three – in them.

Always in Christina Applegate's shadow, PM Dawn could've really boosted Nikki Cox's career

NCAA Tourney Following up on T-Nice’s comment from yesterday, my epic hangover last week prevented me from catching much of the equally-epic first round games (well, the Thursday games were epic).  I did catch the end of the Kansas-UNI game on Saturday; watching UNI try to inbound against the press was like watching a dog perform laproscopic surgery: awkward and inefficient.  Classic “No!No!No!Yes!Yes!Yes!” moment when the Iranian kid pulled up for the three pointer, ice water.  A humble suggestion to MSU: go with the full court press.

I also don’t follow college hoops as closely these days because I frickin hate the One-And-Done policy.  Some of those kids should go directly to the NBA; I find it a little distracting that these guys can cause very brief spikes for some random programs, like Beasley and K-State.  Wait – they’re good again this year?  What?  (You could probably also argue that some dumbass kids who would’ve declared straight out of high school and never been drafted are now going to college and maybe will get a better idea of their draft prospects and stay for a few years.  Whatever, I’m talking about the top tier guys.)

This year reminds me a little of 2003, I probably would’ve picked Kentucky to win it all based on the “best pro prospect by a mile” theory.  (Although, full disclosure, I had ‘Cuse losing in the title game that year, costing me the pool.)  According to Chad Ford, Kentucky might have five first round picks, so they should be pretty fucking good.  ”Easy to pick Kentucky now, Dick, when they look like the prohibitive favorite” – I can hear you saying that.  But I have some bracket bonafides: in 2008 I had the entire left side of the bracket correct going into the Sweet Sixteen.  And I had Kansas winning it all.  (I still finished second.  I think those analysts fucking pencil-whipped me somehow).  Anyhoo, there’s also a great chance that UK will get their ass beat next round, the tourney is obviously pretty unpredictable.  That would be fine, I fucking hate UK.  They used to routinely kick Arkansas’ ass, even during the golden years of Corliss and crew.

Bottom line: the previous three paragraphs did not provide much illumination beyond that the prohibitive favorite may, or may not, win the tournament.  (There’s a reason this column isn’t available only on ESPN Insider.)

OK Go While not as joy-inducing as the “Here It Goes Again” treadmill video, this one is much more ambitious and it allegedly required  78 takes to actually get it right.  What is a Rube Goldberg machine, anyway?  They should make an Adam Goldberg machine that serves no real purpose but makes weird noises and needs to shave its eyebrows.

Earnings Update A pretty solid week overall, made $0.10.  Sure, it’s not quite as lucrative as investment banking, but every dime adds up.  When I’m 107, I will likely have paid off my bar tab from last week, assuming there’s no inflation and that I continue to spend like 10 hours a week on this.  Not too shabby.

But enough about me – what should you be looking to do with your hard-earned cash?  Sure, everybody has a flat screen these days, big whoop, right?  If you really want to impress your friends, how about this OUTDOOR flat screen?  55 inches of all-weather goodness.  Hang this out on your balcony, play some catch with your Hermes glove, spray the house directly at the TV – won’t hurt it at all.  You, my friend, are set for summer.

Modern Family Watch Modern Family.

She has a kid in college. I'm sure he doesn't take any abuse.

I’m psyched for Hot Tub Time Machine,

Chilly17

I haven’t done a lot of investigative journalism on this site, largely because it sounds pretty hard.  Consumer activism, sure – we all deserve to have access to reasonably priced salsa.  But up to this point, I really haven’t had the energy or inclination to seek out answers to any of life’s mysteries or anything like that.  Until now, that is.  I recently took a flight to Japan for the sole purpose of acquiring a wasabi KitKat.  Why does this product exist?  What reasonable person would purchase this?  How long after ingestion before you feel the urge to regurgitate?  It even ties back to my most noteworthy post, where I mentioned the insane KitKat flavors available in Japan.  (With no slight intended, I think we can all agree that Japanese culture is pretty damn weird when viewed from the lens of “not insane.”  Something like 35% of the population of Japan owns a stuffed AFLAC duck.  People actually live in drawers like that Seinfeld episode.  Dudes have public relationships with large dolls.  Even the Japanese find themselves to be bizarre, so crazy food is to be expected.)  One quick observation: the Japanese fucking love them some KitKats.  There’s like 3,000 different varieties.  Come to think of it, I probably should have bought more than just this one box, now I will probably have to go back to try the flavor with the inexplicable red-faced demon on the package.

Startlingly jetlagged after my run to Japan and back, I decided to get some rest before the taste test, wanting the WKK to have the benefit of a level playing field.  For the playing field, I used our kitchen counter, and even set the WKKs next to the wastedpotentialz happy first birthday cupcake for comparison’s sake.  (Yeah, that’s a Reese’s cup atop the cupcake – making it a cupcake on multiple levels – and it’s that Reese’s peanut butter egg time of year.  Haven’t seen one yet, but I’m gonna load up when I do.)  Let’s get down to bizness.

Wasabi KitKat Taste Test

Appearance:  The WKK looks like a normal white chocolate KK, right down to saying “KitKat” in plain old English.  (In case it isn’t obvious, I don’t have giant-sized hands – these are bite-sized KKs.  In fact my hands are pretty dainty, which probably explains why I could never quite dunk.  Stupid tiny hands.)

First impression: looks okay

Rationale:  Unclear.  Must be purely cultural, as I can think of no logical reason that one would desire a combination of wasabi and candy bar.  Although given that the Japanese apparently also enjoy squid- and gravel-flavored KitKats, what do I know?

Taste:  Ever eaten a white chocolate candy bar?  You know, where your taste buds immediately scream “this is fucking delicious” but by the end of the bite they are saying “hey, that’s kind of too fucking sweet!”?  A similar process is in play here, except for after that first “this is fucking delicious” part, imagine someone came up to you and squirted some horseradish in your mouth.  Somewhat unpleasant.  (Must be the tannins – it’s always the tannins that fuck up the finish.)

It's hard to focus when you are not feeling well

Overall:  I’m gonna give this an official grade of blechhh.

Something New Is Going On Here, But What?

That smell you smell?  Capitalism.  Just look to your right, you see it up there?  That’s an Amazon.com ad.  See, if that ad causes one of your synapses to fire up the “I need to buy something and I’m too lazy to type in amazon.com so maybe I’ll just click here to spare myself the effort” process, then I will make some cash if you buy something.  How much cash?  A lot of cash, assuming you well-to-do motherfuckers (I see where you work, you guys/gals are some BSDs) spend all of your disposable income at amazon.  I’m talking a couple of burritos per month kind of cash.

You are probably wondering, what’s the downside?  Will Chilly have access to my credit card information or know what kind of products I’m buying?  The answer is no and no.  So TDiddy, continue to order marital aids with wild abandon.  1#, no one will find out about your bulk orders of Tuck Medicated Pads or your purchase of The Dummies Guide to the NFL.  This is a veritable win-win situation.  Actually, I guess it’s more of a win-don’t lose situation, since I’m really the only one that comes out ahead on this deal.  But I promise you that this cash grab will not change the attitude, content or ideology behind this blog.

Bonus Product Review:  Swisher 66-Inch Zero Turning Radius Pro Series Riding Lawn Mower with 27 HP Kohler Courage VTwin Engine

Do you want to be the envy of the entire neighborhood? The choice is yours

Comfort: The model I tested had the heated leather seats and DVD option – the thing is so fucking comfortable we moved it into the living room and now favor it over the couch.  The engine is ninja-silent and changing the bags is a breeze.  Also, it looks badass.  Grade:  A+++

Performance: I mowed our backyard in less than five minutes with this mower – impressive.  Honestly, I think I could take care of our entire block’s lawnmowing needs with this badboy.  They advertise 27 hp, but it feels more like 350 or so; I’m certain it could run with my old 911.  Grade: A++++++

Value: Absent prior knowledge of the price, I assumed this machine was in the $8-9k range.  However, I found it for only $6,371.74 at Amazon.com! (They really have everything there, at great prices – I love that place.)  Deal of the century.  Grade: A+++++++++++++++++

Overall: Consider yourself a fucking moron if you don’t buy one (or more, having a backup mower is always smart) of these right now.  Grade: A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Happy mowing – Oscar picks tomorrow,

Chilly17

Always wondered why Soul II Soul never got bigger, they had some epic jams back in the day.  Speaking of back in the day, today is a day of celebration.  25 years ago today, I started the second semester of my sophomore year, also known as when I started to blossom.  I’m still running at about 25% mental capacity since The Events of December 31st, 2009, so the celebration will be muted and tasteful, maybe some burritos will be involved.  I’m gonna get back on the website horse bigtime, though, in the near future.

A few questions/corrections:

1.  Hey, Melting Pot, what the fuck is up with putting toffee coated pine nuts in your caesar salad???  Were your customers clamoring for more of a Heath bar flavor in their salads?  Do you sprinkle your house salads with Skittles or Reese’s Pieces?  I fucking love pine nuts (no innuendo intended), they are fucking delicious as is, and could most likely add a little something great to a shitty-assed caesar salad.  Also, how about lowering your prices somewhat to reflect the current economic environment/the fact you are just warming up some shredded cheese?  I love fondue – I placed quite well in a fondue-eating competition at the Tribeca Grand in 2007 – but come on.  The place is definitely not a bargain.

Nothing goes better with caesar dressing than fucking toffee

2.  Correction:  My kick-ass foosball table should have been #2 on my top Christmas presents list.  Epic oversight.  As I have mentioned before, there was a time in my life when being great at foosball was more important than being great at football.  This worked out great for me, as I prefer sports/pastimes with a low probability of physical harm.  My table wasn’t an actual Tornado (ironically pronounced “tore-naw-dough,” even though the logo is a twister) but was about 600 lbs lighter and the playing surface was perfect.  We played that shit about six hours a day for like a year and were kicking the shit out of grown men at the local arcade as twelve year olds.  Running table at the Quarter Horse arcade was probably my greatest athletic achievement (second place: scoring four goals in a junior soccer game; soccer skills translate well to the foosball scene).  I can still kick your ass at foosball, although it hurts my wrists like a mofo.

My guys had frowns, not smilies

3.  Correction/Clarification:  Del Taco has bumped Del Scorcho (formerly marketed as “Beyond Hot”) down to their medium hot sauce.  Taking the mantle of hottestness is Del Inferno.  It is actually pretty fucking hot, but a little thinner than Del Scorcho.  Somewhat delicious.  Will need a little more exposure to the product before making the long-term call, but I didn’t want to misrepresent the status of Del Scorcho (although it’s hot for a medium, for sure).  Another pretty hot chain food item I ran into on the break was Zaxby’s Insane XXX boneless chicken wings.  Legitimately fiery – if only I’d had my Scoville meter with me.

Advancing the craft

Wasted potentially yours,

Chilly17

Thanksgiving was the time of year to reflect on our good health, great family and friends, and all that other stuff that we are thankful for.  Now is the time to think of all the crappy stuff that we are pissed about.  Time to air some grievances.

Things That Fucking Sucked in 2009

1.  Reality television incentivizing idiots to do even stupider things than they were originally destined for.  Bubble Boy, the famewhores who crashed the white house party, the Gosselin mess, Octomom.  Ugh – truly a waste of energy to trash these fucking morons, and the many, many copycats out there just waiting to fill their shoes, as somehow fame has become more aspirational than money for people.  (Of course, fame and money are pretty highly correlated in the day where wedding/baby shower photos from heretofore nobodies can be sold for six-seven figures).

I’m sure there always have been morons who would willingly sacrifice their parental responsibilities for longshot golden tickets, but we didn’t hear as much about them before the internet and the 24 hour media cycle.  The prospect that poor, uneducated people are seeing these shows as a positive incentive to have a large family is particularly alarming (along the lines of the “pro athlete fallacy”).  As a general rule, if you consider having a kid/kids/fertility injections a potential financial boon, then you probably should put that kid(s) up for adoption or neuter yourself with a rusty rake.  You are an idiot and you fucking suck.  Grievance aired.

2.  Moronic viewers and tabloid readers somehow verifying reality “stars” as legitimate celebrities/people of interest, to the point where they evolve from US Weekly to having their own fucking network sitcom.  How many reality stars have become legitimate actors?  Maybe that girl who was on The Real World – Jacinda Barrett?  Elizabeth Hasselbeck was on Survivor and is now a punchline on The View, but I guess that counts for working in show business in some capacity.  Most everyone just ends up moving on down the reality TV spectrum, all the way to the petrie dish that is VH1 (I recall when it was mainly a station to watch Phil Collins’ videos).

Nicole fucking Richie is developing a sitcom for ABC.  ABC, you are idiotic and you fucking suck.  Same goes to us, the public, who somehow made it seem reasonable for some suit somewhere to say “you know who might be awesome in a sitcom about being a young mother?  What’s the name of the dumber, whorier chick from The Simple Life?  Nicole Richie – let’s get her!”  We are idiots and fucking suck.  Grievance aired.

3.  Teams, like the University of Nebraska, that had a chance to make the college football season real interesting, but somehow managed to screw the pooch down the stretch with some improbable mistakes.  For that matter, the Washington Redskins deserve recognition for their implausibly horrible crunch-time performance in that Saints game, too.  Now, we all have to watch Texas get steamrolled by Alabama; it would have been fun seeing what TCU or Cincinatti could do.  Teams that can’t finish and make things more interesting for the average sports fan: you suck big-time.  Grievance aired.

Note:  Mr. Ndamukong Suh – this does not apply to you and dear lord I hope you don’t take offense, particularly if we were to bump into one another while you are in town for the Heisman ceremony.

Puts the "Kong" in Ndamukong

4.  Bloggers that using too much bold when constructing lists.  It just looks stupid.  Idiots/suck/aired.

5.  The financial community pretending the crisis of 2008 never happened way earlier than I predicted.  This especially sucks because I thought most of my peers would be poor along with me; now it looks like bonuses are going to rebound to 2007 levels like it ain’t no thang.  Now everyone’s moving on up the corporate ladder while I’m deleting Romanian spam.  (Not just Romanian in that the people who are sending the spam are from Romania, it’s actually written in Romanian.  That is a clever way to disguise one’s spam.)

I should’ve rushed back into the job market; I could’ve bought a Lamborghini with this years bonus.  Instead, I’m sitting here wondering if I should splurge on a $5 foot long.  Way to screw me out of a Murci – again! – Wall Street.  You suck.   Grievance aired.  (Call me!)

When the doors go up...

6.  My shitty genetics. The metabolism and spotty facial hair of a manatee, chronic high cholesterol despite a well-balanced diet (nacho cheese is surely somewhere in the food pyramid) and paralyzing calf cramps always looming.  Dominant, recessive, it don’t matter – thanks a ton, mom and dad (and their moms and dads).  Grievance aired.

7.  Video games that looked compellingly awesome, but were far too complex to play unless you took them on as a full-time job.  Now I understand the vacant looks my parents gave to those complex Atari 2600 games.  Look at this game for example, it looks (and sounds) pretty awesome:

It appears to have it all right?  Tight storyline, compelling villain, remarkably detailed graphics.  To become facile at playing this would require me devoting roughly the same amount of time and effort as earning a masters degree in chemical engineering.  Dammit, make it so I can shoot people easily!  And don’t talk to me about a Wii – I already have a PS3 that just sits there, mocking me!  Fuck you video game designers, you suck.  Grievance aired.

8.  Terrible movies that seemed like harmless plays on nostalgia but were actually brutal betrayals of fond childhood memories.  I’ve said this like 800 times, so apologies for putting this one down again.  But it really sucks that people go to see tripe like Transformers and GI Joe and are never exposed to awesomeness like The Hurt Locker.  THL was a friggin action movie, yet it did the box office of a Jane Austen adaption done completely in mime.  If you asked every single person in the world who saw both Transformers and The Hurt Locker which one they enjoyed more, I’m willing to bet that 100% of the people would prefer THL.  Yet T:ROTF did over 30x the business.

JJ Abrams, do not bastardize Micronauts like this – I’m assuming the fact that they were only like 3% as popular as Transformers might help.  But for Michael Bay and the rest of the rapers of childhood memories – you fucking suck, please make some movies that have a coherent plot and are not just excuses for loud, CGI-laden action sequences.  Grievance aired (again).

9.  Casinos plying their customers with delicious alcohol.  I now realize that I have been taken advantage of, just like my boy Terrance Watanabe.  I used to foolishly think that I was a dumbass for drinking too much and then gambling too much.  But, as Terrance will prove in court, it’s the casino’s fault for letting me take out markers when hammered!  Atlantis (and particularly that blackjack dealer who took severe offense at me (in jest) claiming to be doing “God’s work”) I’m coming for you!  You better give me that $7k back that you stole from me.

And what’s up with the alcohol makers making it so delicious in the first place?  Diageo, you suck, too.  And Red Bull, you are pissing me off for the highly complementary (and complimentary in a casino – suck on that, homophone nazis!) flavor your product adds to a glass of vodka.  This, combined with the (seemingly) communal fun of the craps table, is all clearly entrapment to take my cash!  Fuck you casinos, Diageo, Red Bull makers and that dealer who hates me for claiming to do “God’s work”, you all suck and are stealing from some of our most solid citizens.  Grievance aired.

10.  wastedpotentialz.com.  This website has not been the immediate stratospheric success I anticipated.  Why not?  Predictable internet writing style (mild profanity+self-deprecation-interesting topics/overuse of thesaurus+occasional mocking of audience/sprinkling of pop culture references*use of confusing mathematics symbols to illustrate points³).  Lack of structure/focus and irregular posting haven’t really helped, either.

Grievance aired.  However, I aver that I’m gonna work hard and improve this fucking site, no matter how stupid I am, even if I have to confabulate about Tiger Woods or Jersey Shore for like 2+1 straight weeks, you dumbasses.

Friday I will address the most wasted potential of 2009,

Chilly17

1.  If I had to have one of those “could be a guy’s name or a girl’s name” names, I’d go with Stacy.

2.  I’m a Braves fan, but this wasn’t their year.  With all that pitching, and super-uber prospect Jason Heyward on the way, next year might be.  (Although given that they’ve performed below their pythagorean expectation for like six years in a row, maybe it is time for Bobby Cox to step down?)

3.  I’m not certain, but it seems plausible that Cosmopolitan just re-runs the same “25 Ways To Energize Your Bedroom” article every month.  How many times can they go to the “leave a naughty note in his briefcase” well?

Why do they have hot girls on the cover of both men and women's magazines?

4.  I have a birthmark on my neck that looks like a russian mafia tattoo.  Actually, it looks more like some residual dirt.  If you run into me in public, there’s no need to point it out, I bathe semi-regularly.

5.  I once performed at a state fair as a member of a Run-DMC lip-synching team.  The performance was not well received, despite our very literal interpretation of “I cut the head off the devil and I throw it at you”.

6.  The other night I woke up in the middle of the night, and couldn’t sleep for 35 minutes as I struggled to recall Judd Apatow’s wife’s name.  Dammit, Leslie Mann.  (Is it pronounced app-a-toe?  app-a-tao? not sure)

Dream cursers

7.  I’m very glad to see Don Draper getting his groove back.  Poor guy’s taken some lumps lately.

8.  I cannot sleep if I believe there are even trace amounts of urine in my system.  This often requires a couple of nighttime visits to the bathroom.  I also cannot stand the thought of not brushing my teeth after having slept.  This means I also have to brush my teeth during said bathroom trips.  I may have a touch of the OCD.

9.  This is what that Jerry Maguire kid looks like now.

nice smolder, lipnicki

10.  Peopleofwalmart is hilarious, but it’s too easy.  If you spend twenty minutes in any W-M, I’m pretty sure you’ll have some content to add.  When I was back home I spent a decent amount of time in The Mart, and once saw a gentleman wearing a camouflage sport coat with zubaz and a wife beater.  The confederate flag pocket square really set the whole thing off.

11.  I’m a 49er fan, but this isn’t their year.  Draft a stud QB and a right tackle, let QB sit for a year behind Hill, and they’ll be upper tier in 2011.

12.  Here are some other examples of wasted potential: Darryl Strawberry, Weeds, Terence Trent D’Arby, Entourage.  (Lest the Top Ten Candy Bar searches overwhelm this site: Entourage sucks, Weeds sucks.  You heard me, Google.  I said Entourage sucks and Weeds sucks.  Once I muster the strength to watch it again, I’m sure I’ll be able to offer that Californication sucks.)

Chilly17

1.  Mad Men returns!  (Avoid if relative attractiveness and well-dressedness are self esteem issues for you)

2.  District 9 looks sweet, hoping to check it out this afternoon. I’ve skipped the details but the reviews from top critics look encouraging.  This will be my first chance to apply my South African knowledge/experience, I should certainly be able to verify the film’s cultural and historical accuracy.

3.  So You Think You Can Dance did not screw the pooch.  It looked like Evan, the dorky white dude, might win given his enormous “fan base” or “group of similar dorks with access to telephones.”   He was terrible.  Ultimately the judges came right out and said “if you continue to vote for Evan, then you are a fucking moron.”  In something of an upset, Jeanine won – she was a bit disadvantaged working (and possibly boning)  the one-dimensional Phillip Chbeeb for half the season.  Nice outcome.  It’s a little shocking that the last two girls were only 18 or so, given how objectified the women typically are on this show.  I guess if “dancer” is the professional path you’ve chosen, you are need to quickly get used to prancing around 90% naked in front of a lot of people.

The huge downside to the season’s end is that Evan’s fucking balding older brother is on the next season of SYTYCD.  That season starts in like two weeks, so that means I will be subjected to more of this broadway-loving, camera-mugging retard family.  Hopefully that older one doesn’t make the top 20 and we can be done with this quickly.

Again, you should be watching this show.  For reasons I cannot accurately convey, it is highly enjoyable.  As is America’s Best Dance Crew, which is also back on Sunday nights on MTV.  Haven’t watched the first episode yet, but I’m certain it will maintain its high level of excellence.  Watch them both.

Find the dissimilar item

4.  KFC is very popular in South Africa.  It’s by far the busiest spot in the Joburg airport and a standalone store in Cape Town was also going gangbusters.  I hear, but haven’t personally verified, the same about its popularity in China.  Combine that with the outstanding quality of the Nachos Supreme and Meximelt I had yesterday at the 14th and 5th T-Bell/Hut, and you’ve got a reason to buy some YUM Brands shares.  Ticker symbol?  YUM.  I might have to add to my already deep position.

5.  One of the Kardashians is pregnant?  Awesome, further advancement of the gene pool.  I really don’t understand why anyone gives a shit about that family?  Is it their propensity to date second tier professional athletes (sorry, Reggie, you are not even one of the better third down backs in the league)?  Kim has a big ass and was wheelbarrowed by Ray J on film.  The other ones get pregnant or arrested for DUI.  And now there’s a new show with the non-Kim ones, with ads plastered all over my regular reads like The Economist, US Weekly, and The Atlantic.  I am seriously concerned about our society as a whole; at this point having all the mouthbreathers strapped into The Matrix pods looks like an optimistic outcome.

The one thing I find even remotely interesting about the Kardashian family is Bruce Jenner and how he’s handling the transition from ostensible “One of the Five Most Famous People in the World” following 1976 Olympic gold medal to bumbling husband/stepfather to (apparently) amoral, star-fucking, fame-seeking gold digger clan.  He seems to enjoy remote control helicopters and facelifts, but he is also the voice of reason/moral center of the household, so I’d say he’s faring pretty well.

6.  Happy Madden Day!  As one of the first people to own a Playstation in the U.S. (it debuted in September 1995 and I got mine in either October or November after uncannily predicting that eight weeks of Groton winter would be akin to a stint in Siberia) I can lay claim to a pretty rich, if dated, gaming history.  Shockingly I have never played Madden.  When I bought my Playstation, I opted for NFL Gameday, likely because it had William Floyd on the cover.  It was pretty complicated so I quickly gave up.  Then on my boat we played some NFL Blitz, which I also quickly abandoned as one of my mentally challenged colleagues figured out how to make Mark Bruener of his beloved Steelers open every single play.  Even though he averaged less than one catch per game in his real career, that fucking Bruener would score like seven TDs per game against my virtual Niners.

I hate football video games, because I suck at them.  But I do admire the Madden franchise and the fact that they’ve made its annual release a virtual holiday for slackers, nerds and sports enthusiasts alike.  Nice work.  Enjoy the holiday.

7.  ”Make Her Say” – Pretty cool song combining some of my favorite things: Kid Cudi (check out “Day and Night” if unfamiliar with his oeuvre), Kanye and Lady Gaga.  Common too, but I’ve never been a big fan.  This song was originally called “I Poke Her Face” which for some reason the producers felt might not be radio friendly.  Those fickle marketers.

One complaint – can we please quit rhyming “medulla oblongata”?  Whodini was doing that shit like 25 years ago, so it isn’t exactly fresh.  And, Kanye, I know I’ve heard it from you at least as many times as you’ve rhymed “knowledge” and “college.”  Anyway, nice collaboration here.

8.    How quickly the scales of the court of public opinion shift – is that too wordy?  I was trying to evoke that blindfolded lady holding the scale with right on one side and wrong on the other or whatnot.  Anyway, about six months ago everyone felt sorry for that Jon Gosselin fellow because his wife seemed a raging controlling bitch.  Now he’s sporting Ed Hardy gear, earrings, banging random chicks and hanging out with Lindsay Lohan’s dad and everyone fucking hates him.  Hopefully, if you are reading this, you don’t fucking care.  I generally don’t fucking care either, except for the fact that I am besieged by his doofus image in much of the highbrow media I consume.

But one thing really got me riled up, he recently quoted about some new girlfriend: “she loves me for who I am, not for what I do.”  What exactly do you do, beyond over-employing fertilization routines and tv crews?  Seriously, this guy has no fucking job, he got canned.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that, many of the smartest, most attractive and hilariousest people get canned)  But seriously, what does this fucking guy do?   I am seriously getting sick of these reality “stars” – of the shows I don’t watch, of course.

All the single ladies, form an orderly line!

9.  I recommend checking out some Florence + The Machine if you are hurting for new music.  She sounds a little like Natalie Merchant on a dianabol cycle to me.  I favor the lady singers, so there’s always the chance I’m overenthusiastic. “Kiss With a Fist” is pretty sweet but the video is tres lame, so I offer “Dog Days” instead.

10.  Since it didn’t make sense to stop at #9, here’s a herd of buffalo:

A Gary Larson wet dream

Have a swell weekend,

Chilly17, wasted potential personified

This GQ image relates in no way to the text below

I went to a party on Friday and managed to keep alive my streak of being the most immature person in the room – this was challenging given that I had at least a 15 year life experience advantage on the average attendee.  I am still hung over a solid 48 hours later.  Just maybe, like a cop on the verge of retirement faced with his most personal and challenging (yet potentially life-affirming) case, I’m getting too old for this shit.  But in the course of this social gathering, I did recognize my own shortcomings as a conversationalist (and/or normal person).  In my constant quest for complete self awareness, I noted that I am only capable of discussing a vary narrow list of topics.

Stuff I Can Have a Conversation About (In Order of Occurrence):

1.  The Mets suck, motherfucker!  (I run into lots of Mets fans)

2.  Have you seen The Wire?

3.  I fucking hate the Mets, man, boy do they suck!

4.  Would you care to hear some gambling stories?

5.  I mean, they fucking really fucking suck, dood, seriously the fucking Mets fucking stink.  I’m a Braves fan, man, so glad the fucking sorry-assed Mets took Francoeur’s sorry ass.

6.  My favorite character on The Wire is probably Bunk.  Or Carver.  Did you see that one where Bunk set his clothes on fire when he had a one night stand?  That was awesome.

That’s basically it.  This certainly will not stand.  I used to be something of a bon vivant, capable of thoughtful discourse on any number of topics, including religion, politics, wine, food, sport, the theatre.  You name it, my bizarre yet versatile educational/vocational background allowed me to nimbly navigate the social strata.  Okay, none of that shit was true, but I certainly had a broader repertoire than “Mets suck/Wire rules” – I’ve seen comments on cracked.com that are more substantive than my current social set pieces.  One great thing about being so fucking self aware is it provides you with a list of things to improve on (or to ignore and allow to fester and become debilitating).

Mrs. Roddick, from SI. Why is this picture even here?

To improve my social capabilities, I vow to spend some time on the following:

1.  Broaden viewing of topical television shows that I missed: I will rent The O.C. and Gilmore Girls DVDs so I’m in better touch with the youth of today.  I want to know the story behind those sweet ”Free Marissa Cooper” tee shirts.

2.  Become more well-read:  I will pay particular attention to the the copies of Us Weekly and OK! that are lying around the apartment; all that SmartMoney reading has increased neither my level of smart nor my level of money.

3.  Pay more attention to the channels further down the channel guide:  After experiencing the particular genius of Ninja Warrior, and learning it’s been going on for years, I initially felt like a pop cultural failure.  I will not let the post-channel-30 locations of the G4s, FitTVs, Fuses, C-SPAN-3s, etc. scare me away from potentially excellent, and socially relevent, programming any longer.  (Hopefully there are also more ninja-focused shows out there.)

4.  Hang around the liquor store to see what’s new in the world of alcohol:  Did you know there’s a new vodka that tastes like fucking sweet tea?  Seriously, Firefly vodka.  It tastes like fucking sweet tea.  Read that again – and it’s still 35% hooch.  Throw some lemonade in that bitch and you are set with an alcoholic Arnold Palmer.  (Thanks, ‘Pril)  I have spent considerable time and energy working on a chili verde burrito-flavored vodka, with little success thus far.  This tea-flavored ‘ka is an evolutionary step up the “alcohol that tastes like something else that is delicious but will still get you drunk” ladder.

5.  See more movies:  I need to go see that Bruno – no one captures the cultural zeitgeist like Mr. Baron Cohen with his guerrilla performance art pieces.  I’ve gotta get on board with the hilarious catch phrases.  ”I’m Bruno!”  Haha, that’s hilarious in and of itself.

6.  Experience different foods:  In that vein, I will today try the Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito at T-Bell.  I have never tried any of the “bacon” products at The Bell, and for good reason: their other products are already fucking fantastic.  And really the only bacon I need I get on the Atlantis Club at Murray’s Deli.  But I’m ready to take this drastic gastronomic step in my quest for self improvement.  I will probably also get a Volcano Burrito, too.  That sounds pretty good.

We’ll see how this goes.

(Editor’s Note #1: I’m still kicking myself for omitting my couplet “sat down for some online poker, yo, messed around and won a $50 sit n go” from “Wednesday Was A Good Day.”  Dammit.)

(Editor’s Note #2: You may wonder why there are like 100 pictures of girls in swimsuits today.  Good question.  Given that my traffic has increased 17,000% since the debut of Megan Fox in a swimsuit, I’ve realized that it’s not the hours of painstakingly crafted content that will help this place grow.  It’s nubile young ladies in swimsuits.  The inner artist sheds a tear.  Apologies to the four females that read this site (SO, Railbird, Mom, maybe Mrs. C-Note) but at least I’m providing some good swimsuit ideas.)

(Editor’s Note #3: Tomorrow I’m coming back to my crappy jobs list, but I’ve gotten to that point where they aren’t that crappy.  So don’t be alarmed if the title is modified slightly, it’s not an entirely new list.)

Marisa Miller is in good shape

Chilly17

Couple orders of business today, before I get back to the regularly scheduled tripe.  First, last Thursday was a sad day for any children of the late 70′s/early 80′s.  I will add more about Farrah tomorrow in a separate post, but I do want to mention that her obituary in the paper of record is garbage. You’re telling me the author of that piece couldn’t focus a little more on what she was than what she wasn’t?  Bullshit – I’d take Farrah’s legacy any day (if I was, you know, a woman).  Alessandra Stanley, this piece reads like the expunging of petty high school demons (ie a smite upon one of the pretty, popular girls).

Anyway, the Farrah news got sadly overshadowed by the MJ news.  I think for most the news of Michael Jackson’s death wasn’t that shocking given the amount of prescription drugs one presumed he was taking – the physical tolls of touring, dancing and performing alone would probably result in some chronic aches and pains, not to mention the insane amounts of plastic surgery he subjected himself to.  His premature death did allow people to stop for a moment and consider his substantial contributions to music, dancing and popular culture in general.

Most of the tributes were somewhat reserved, given the allegations of child molestation that dogged him, but ultimately Michael will be given a pass historically because he was (allegedly) never really allowed to grow up, living in a preadolescent fantasy environment throughout his adulthood.  I’m not sure I believe the suggestions that years of abuse (physical? sexual?) and the pressure of early stardom set him on an irreversible course, but there’s little to be gained from further speculation, and there is no disputing how incredible he was as a performer and his impact on global, not just American, pop culture.  He was about to do 50 (largely sold out) shows in London!  That’s the definition of enduring appeal.

Jesus, this is the most serious I’ve ever been on this website – I’m pretty sure I will win a Hugo, Pulitzer or web equivalent for this.  Marking an official end to this “serious” phase, here is one of my favorite MJ (as part of The Jacksons) tunes, the underrated “State of Shock.”  For some reason, the real video where the Jacksons were in some kind of spaceship appears to have been wiped from the universe, but this clip has some concert snippets and what appears to be an entire Pepsi commercial.

Mailbag Alert!

The other topic I wanted to cover was originally suggested by top commenter TDiddy.  That’s right, the first ever wastedpotentialz.com mailbag!  I receive a decent stream of questions running the gamut from tarded to retarded.  So if you have a question, send it in – most of the queries I receive are about business school, life on the Street or random pop culture stuff.  Email me at chilly@wastedpotentialz.com or drop a question in the comments.  I will pick the most stimulating ones that do not violate any local or federal laws.

Sample question:

Q: Chilly, you have to choose between one of the following two options.  Makeup, surgery, etc are not allowed to obfuscate either alternative – only clothing reasonably expected to be worn by an average citizen is allowed.

Would you rather have:

a.) Peter Criss’ makeup permanently tattooed to your face, or

b.) A second penis located on the right side of your abdomen, exactly half-way between your armpit and your waist.  (For clarity’s sake, a penis only, no testicles involved – testiclez if you want to keep your format intact)

I wrote a 6,000 word response to this question, replete with decision trees, regression analyses, potential psychological, vocational and social considerations, etc and then realized that I probably provide a greater service to my readers by posting the response for everyone to read, just in case this exact situation ever presents itself to one of them.

Option A (Option B not shown)

Til tomorrow,

Chilly17

I struggled with the title for this post….”I hate Shia LaBeouf” – too strong….”What’s up with all the fucking Shia LaBeouf movies?” – too profane….”Does a last name with two capital letters automatically doom you to douchiness?” – too capitalization-oriented…I can’t put my finger on it exactly, but I would be okay with less Shia in my life.  Maybe a lot less.

I mean, who is clamoring for more movies with this kid?  Originally marketed as a “good kid with his head on straight who’s really candid with interviewers,” he’s subsequently had multiple run-ins with the law: getting arrested for not leaving a Walgreens, an arrest warrant for smoking in a no-smoking restaurant, a DUI accident that resulted in a mangled hand (of course charges were dropped due to “insufficient evidence” – I’m pretty sure Average Joe in LA gets the same treatment).  If he’s going for the street cred, I think “trespassing in Walgreens” falls a little short of “took on every bouncer at The Viper Room.”  In early interviews, he criticized other young celebs for making mistakes leading to bad press – in his defense I think he was specifically referring to Lindsay Lohan, who has been generally deserving of all recent criticisms.  But still, a bit hypocritical.

And yet he came out of this smelling like a rose, and even has the Transformers sequel coming out today, ensuring another nauseauting round of press.  Interviewers love him, and it’s easy to see why if you take a look at this GQ article from June 2008 or the Playboy interview from June 2009 (I won’t link to it since there’s all that vulgarity and such on that tawrdy website) – he’s fucking insane with the intimate revelations.  Most people would be a little embarassed if they shit their pants until they were twelve, but not Shia!  He has the interviewer confirm the disgusting, disturbing facts with his mom.  Speaking of his mom, he also referred to her as the sexiest woman he knows – given that he knows Megan Fox, his mom must be off the fucking charts.  He went so far as to suggest he’d be with her now if possible – no fucking wonder the interviewers kiss his ass, your article is going to be pretty widely read with all these unreal sound bites.  Sadly, unlike Spencer Pratt, I don’t think Shia says this shit to get press – I think these thoughts are real (maybe not sane, but real).

Safe for work - this is in GQ magazine for goodness sake - they market it to like 4th graders! Now let's see Shia's mom.

I’ve read some articles where Shia’s appeal is spelled out – funny, talented, attractive but not over-the-top-to-the-point-of-sacrificing-relatability-with-young-males.  ”Young Tom Hanks” -WTF???  Where’s his Bosum Buddies?  I don’t see it – Tom Hanks was carrying some fairly hilarious movies at the early stage of his career, not working against greenscreens in ready made summer blockbusters.  That whole Disney lineage has led to far too many pre-packaged careers for this generation of Young Hollywood.

I’d compare Shia more to a Justin Timberlake – again a not-strikely-handsome guy who has connected with the public in a big way.  Difference being, Timberlake is fucking talented.  (Ghey alert!)  Consistently hilarious on SNL, made the most of his own pre-packaged musical career and has bedded some of the hottest talent that LA has to offer.  Interestingly, in his film career, Timberlake has chosen the character actor path for some of the reasons elucidated above (I’m finished talking about how good- or bad-looking dudes are – hey, that’s Megan Fox up there!).  I hope Shia goes that route in at least some of his movies in the future – is he really a leading man type actor?

One, other thing:

Separated at

Birth?

Til then,

Chilly17