Always wondered why Soul II Soul never got bigger, they had some epic jams back in the day. Speaking of back in the day, today is a day of celebration. 25 years ago today, I started the second semester of my sophomore year, also known as when I started to blossom. I’m still running at about 25% mental capacity since The Events of December 31st, 2009, so the celebration will be muted and tasteful, maybe some burritos will be involved. I’m gonna get back on the website horse bigtime, though, in the near future.
A few questions/corrections:
1. Hey, Melting Pot, what the fuck is up with putting toffee coated pine nuts in your caesar salad??? Were your customers clamoring for more of a Heath bar flavor in their salads? Do you sprinkle your house salads with Skittles or Reese’s Pieces? I fucking love pine nuts (no innuendo intended), they are fucking delicious as is, and could most likely add a little something great to a shitty-assed caesar salad. Also, how about lowering your prices somewhat to reflect the current economic environment/the fact you are just warming up some shredded cheese? I love fondue – I placed quite well in a fondue-eating competition at the Tribeca Grand in 2007 – but come on. The place is definitely not a bargain.
2. Correction: My kick-ass foosball table should have been #2 on my top Christmas presents list. Epic oversight. As I have mentioned before, there was a time in my life when being great at foosball was more important than being great at football. This worked out great for me, as I prefer sports/pastimes with a low probability of physical harm. My table wasn’t an actual Tornado (ironically pronounced “tore-naw-dough,” even though the logo is a twister) but was about 600 lbs lighter and the playing surface was perfect. We played that shit about six hours a day for like a year and were kicking the shit out of grown men at the local arcade as twelve year olds. Running table at the Quarter Horse arcade was probably my greatest athletic achievement (second place: scoring four goals in a junior soccer game; soccer skills translate well to the foosball scene). I can still kick your ass at foosball, although it hurts my wrists like a mofo.
3. Correction/Clarification: Del Taco has bumped Del Scorcho (formerly marketed as “Beyond Hot”) down to their medium hot sauce. Taking the mantle of hottestness is Del Inferno. It is actually pretty fucking hot, but a little thinner than Del Scorcho. Somewhat delicious. Will need a little more exposure to the product before making the long-term call, but I didn’t want to misrepresent the status of Del Scorcho (although it’s hot for a medium, for sure). Another pretty hot chain food item I ran into on the break was Zaxby’s Insane XXX boneless chicken wings. Legitimately fiery – if only I’d had my Scoville meter with me.
Thanksgiving was the time of year to reflect on our good health, great family and friends, and all that other stuff that we are thankful for. Now is the time to think of all the crappy stuff that we are pissed about. Time to air some grievances.
Things That Fucking Sucked in 2009
1. Reality television incentivizing idiots to do even stupider things than they were originally destined for. Bubble Boy, the famewhores who crashed the white house party, the Gosselin mess, Octomom. Ugh – truly a waste of energy to trash these fucking morons, and the many, many copycats out there just waiting to fill their shoes, as somehow fame has become more aspirational than money for people. (Of course, fame and money are pretty highly correlated in the day where wedding/baby shower photos from heretofore nobodies can be sold for six-seven figures).
I’m sure there always have been morons who would willingly sacrifice their parental responsibilities for longshot golden tickets, but we didn’t hear as much about them before the internet and the 24 hour media cycle. The prospect that poor, uneducated people are seeing these shows as a positive incentive to have a large family is particularly alarming (along the lines of the “pro athlete fallacy”). As a general rule, if you consider having a kid/kids/fertility injections a potential financial boon, then you probably should put that kid(s) up for adoption or neuter yourself with a rusty rake. You are an idiot and you fucking suck. Grievance aired.
2. Moronic viewers and tabloid readers somehow verifying reality “stars” as legitimate celebrities/people of interest, to the point where they evolve from US Weekly to having their own fucking network sitcom. How many reality stars have become legitimate actors? Maybe that girl who was on The Real World – Jacinda Barrett? Elizabeth Hasselbeck was on Survivor and is now a punchline on The View, but I guess that counts for working in show business in some capacity. Most everyone just ends up moving on down the reality TV spectrum, all the way to the petrie dish that is VH1 (I recall when it was mainly a station to watch Phil Collins’ videos).
Nicole fucking Richie is developing a sitcom for ABC. ABC, you are idiotic and you fucking suck. Same goes to us, the public, who somehow made it seem reasonable for some suit somewhere to say “you know who might be awesome in a sitcom about being a young mother? What’s the name of the dumber, whorier chick from The Simple Life? Nicole Richie – let’s get her!” We are idiots and fucking suck. Grievance aired.
3. Teams, like the University of Nebraska, that had a chance to make the college football season real interesting, but somehow managed to screw the pooch down the stretch with some improbable mistakes. For that matter, the Washington Redskins deserve recognition for their implausibly horrible crunch-time performance in that Saints game, too. Now, we all have to watch Texas get steamrolled by Alabama; it would have been fun seeing what TCU or Cincinatti could do. Teams that can’t finish and make things more interesting for the average sports fan: you suck big-time. Grievance aired.
Note: Mr. Ndamukong Suh – this does not apply to you and dear lord I hope you don’t take offense, particularly if we were to bump into one another while you are in town for the Heisman ceremony.
4. Bloggers that using too much bold when constructing lists. It just looks stupid. Idiots/suck/aired.
5. The financial community pretending the crisis of 2008 never happened way earlier than I predicted. This especially sucks because I thought most of my peers would be poor along with me; now it looks like bonuses are going to rebound to 2007 levels like it ain’t no thang. Now everyone’s moving on up the corporate ladder while I’m deleting Romanian spam. (Not just Romanian in that the people who are sending the spam are from Romania, it’s actually written in Romanian. That is a clever way to disguise one’s spam.)
I should’ve rushed back into the job market; I could’ve bought a Lamborghini with this years bonus. Instead, I’m sitting here wondering if I should splurge on a $5 foot long. Way to screw me out of a Murci – again! – Wall Street. You suck. Grievance aired. (Call me!)
6. My shitty genetics. The metabolism and spotty facial hair of a manatee, chronic high cholesterol despite a well-balanced diet (nacho cheese is surely somewhere in the food pyramid) and paralyzing calf cramps always looming. Dominant, recessive, it don’t matter – thanks a ton, mom and dad (and their moms and dads). Grievance aired.
7. Video games that looked compellingly awesome, but were far too complex to play unless you took them on as a full-time job. Now I understand the vacant looks my parents gave to those complex Atari 2600 games. Look at this game for example, it looks (and sounds) pretty awesome:
It appears to have it all right? Tight storyline, compelling villain, remarkably detailed graphics. To become facile at playing this would require me devoting roughly the same amount of time and effort as earning a masters degree in chemical engineering. Dammit, make it so I can shoot people easily! And don’t talk to me about a Wii – I already have a PS3 that just sits there, mocking me! Fuck you video game designers, you suck. Grievance aired.
8. Terrible movies that seemed like harmless plays on nostalgia but were actually brutal betrayals of fond childhood memories. I’ve said this like 800 times, so apologies for putting this one down again. But it really sucks that people go to see tripe like Transformers and GI Joe and are never exposed to awesomeness like The Hurt Locker. THL was a friggin action movie, yet it did the box office of a Jane Austen adaption done completely in mime. If you asked every single person in the world who saw both Transformers and The Hurt Locker which one they enjoyed more, I’m willing to bet that 100% of the people would prefer THL. Yet T:ROTF did over 30x the business.
JJ Abrams, do not bastardize Micronauts like this – I’m assuming the fact that they were only like 3% as popular as Transformers might help. But for Michael Bay and the rest of the rapers of childhood memories – you fucking suck, please make some movies that have a coherent plot and are not just excuses for loud, CGI-laden action sequences. Grievance aired (again).
9. Casinos plying their customers with delicious alcohol. I now realize that I have been taken advantage of, just like my boy Terrance Watanabe. I used to foolishly think that I was a dumbass for drinking too much and then gambling too much. But, as Terrance will prove in court, it’s the casino’s fault for letting me take out markers when hammered! Atlantis (and particularly that blackjack dealer who took severe offense at me (in jest) claiming to be doing “God’s work”) I’m coming for you! You better give me that $7k back that you stole from me.
And what’s up with the alcohol makers making it so delicious in the first place? Diageo, you suck, too. And Red Bull, you are pissing me off for the highly complementary (and complimentary in a casino – suck on that, homophone nazis!) flavor your product adds to a glass of vodka. This, combined with the (seemingly) communal fun of the craps table, is all clearly entrapment to take my cash! Fuck you casinos, Diageo, Red Bull makers and that dealer who hates me for claiming to do “God’s work”, you all suck and are stealing from some of our most solid citizens. Grievance aired.
10. wastedpotentialz.com. This website has not been the immediate stratospheric success I anticipated. Why not? Predictable internet writing style (mild profanity+self-deprecation-interesting topics/overuse of thesaurus+occasional mocking of audience/sprinkling of pop culture references*use of confusing mathematics symbols to illustrate points3). Lack of structure/focus and irregular posting haven’t really helped, either.
Grievance aired. However, I aver that I’m gonna work hard and improve this fucking site, no matter how stupid I am, even if I have to confabulate about Tiger Woods or Jersey Shore for like 2+1 straight weeks, you dumbasses.
Friday I will address the most wasted potential of 2009,
1. If I had to have one of those “could be a guy’s name or a girl’s name” names, I’d go with Stacy.
2. I’m a Braves fan, but this wasn’t their year. With all that pitching, and super-uber prospect Jason Heyward on the way, next year might be. (Although given that they’ve performed below their pythagorean expectation for like six years in a row, maybe it is time for Bobby Cox to step down?)
3. I’m not certain, but it seems plausible that Cosmopolitan just re-runs the same “25 Ways To Energize Your Bedroom” article every month. How many times can they go to the “leave a naughty note in his briefcase” well?
4. I have a birthmark on my neck that looks like a russian mafia tattoo. Actually, it looks more like some residual dirt. If you run into me in public, there’s no need to point it out, I bathe semi-regularly.
5. I once performed at a state fair as a member of a Run-DMC lip-synching team. The performance was not well received, despite our very literal interpretation of “I cut the head off the devil and I throw it at you”.
6. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night, and couldn’t sleep for 35 minutes as I struggled to recall Judd Apatow’s wife’s name. Dammit, Leslie Mann. (Is it pronounced app-a-toe? app-a-tao? not sure)
7. I’m very glad to see Don Draper getting his groove back. Poor guy’s taken some lumps lately.
8. I cannot sleep if I believe there are even trace amounts of urine in my system. This often requires a couple of nighttime visits to the bathroom. I also cannot stand the thought of not brushing my teeth after having slept. This means I also have to brush my teeth during said bathroom trips. I may have a touch of the OCD.
9. This is what that Jerry Maguire kid looks like now.
10. Peopleofwalmart is hilarious, but it’s too easy. If you spend twenty minutes in any W-M, I’m pretty sure you’ll have some content to add. When I was back home I spent a decent amount of time in The Mart, and once saw a gentleman wearing a camouflage sport coat with zubaz and a wife beater. The confederate flag pocket square really set the whole thing off.
11. I’m a 49er fan, but this isn’t their year. Draft a stud QB and a right tackle, let QB sit for a year behind Hill, and they’ll be upper tier in 2011.
12. Here are some other examples of wasted potential: Darryl Strawberry, Weeds, Terence Trent D’Arby, Entourage. (Lest the Top Ten Candy Bar searches overwhelm this site: Entourage sucks, Weeds sucks. You heard me, Google. I said Entourage sucks and Weeds sucks. Once I muster the strength to watch it again, I’m sure I’ll be able to offer that Californication sucks.)