Wasted Potentialz » The Case Against:

The Case Against: Losing Your Hair

chilly17 — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 06:51:03 +0000

Let’s face it, losing your hair sucks. That’s a pretty obvious statement, I realize, but aside from the ding to your attractiveness, balding also serves as a daily reminder that you are getting old as fuck. It seems pretty unfair that it really only impacts males, but I guess that balances some of the gender inequity (pregnancy, menstruation, sports bras add up to roughly be as shitty as hair loss). This is especially painful as I’m dealing with this issue as we speak – although I attribute any hair loss issues with my years of service in the proximity of a NUCLEAR FUCKING REACTOR to protect AMERICA’S (AND YOUR) FREEDOM. So it’s not so much hair loss as a memento of my contribution to this great nation of ours.

There are different types of balding, some much worse than others. In the Navy, practically everyone was convinced they were losing tons of hair (maybe because of the aforementioned NUCLEAR FUCKING REACTORS); one of my buddies would literally start hyperventilating at the sight of a stray hair in the shower (to be fair, though, he’s Filipino so he could rule out it being a body hair). And this guy still has more hair than an Iranian bikini wax salon. Guys can get pretty worked up on this issue – it generally involves a strange conversation with one’s mom to find out what her dad’s hair situation was (or if he’s alive, one could also just look at his head). Because that’s supposedly whose genetics decide the fate of your hair. Thanks, Gramps! Some fates are better than others, though.

The Categories of Hair Loss

1. The widow’s peak – You know the look, classic gradually receding hairline where the temples go backward but the front part kind of stays in place. The key words, again, are gradual and classy. They even gave this hairline a cool-assed name. It shouldn’t really even be considered going bald – I mean fucking Sandman chooses to have a widow’s peak! He’s made of sand, which he can manipulate; he could mesh his hairline with his eyebrows if he wanted to.

Historical Examples: Sandman, Eddie Munster

A classic look...

.... even for a vampire youth

Currently rocking the widow’s peak: Jude Law (but he’s in danger of pulling a Bruce Willis and combining it with a more grave example of hair loss)

This could easily grow into a full frontal combo

2. The bald spot – A thinning of hair at the crown of your noggin – basically a skin yarmulke. (Jewish guys have a big advantage with this type of hair loss). Not that bad, since, unless you’re really short, not that many people see the top of your head (unless you happen to be a POV ghey pron actor). Bald spots are startling, though, when they do pop into view. One positive is that bald spots provide fodder for humorous tee shirts advocating alternative energy, sold at beaches and carnivals worldwide.

Historical Example: Friar Tuck (and possibly most friar’s, I’m only familiar with Tuck’s work)

Classic friar 'style

Currently sporting a bald spot: Prince William (the one from England – I’m trying to widen my fanbase), Manu Ginobli

Fuck it, he's going to be the fucking King of England. He will be fine even with a "full friar"

3. Goes by many names – “Receding hairline”/”thinning hair”/”somberly recognizing your own mortality and the fragile nature of youth” – This is the absolute worst kind of hair loss: it’s right there for everyone to see. Has led to a staggering number of coverup hairstyles: the Caesar, the combover, the straight back, the Trump, the Gordon Gekko (called “the Pat Riley” on the west coast) just to name a handful. Horribly unpleasant and the coverups frequently amplify, rather than mitigate, the unattractiveness. Guess which kind I have? Dammit.

Historical Examples: Bruce Willis (although he may have had a rare widow’s peak that mutated), Jeremy Piven (though the Piv definitely did something about it; he’s apparently removed most of the Seinfeld-era images from the entire internet, as well)

Current Example: Brendan Fraser (Encino Man fans, you may want to avert your eyes)

No comment

4. The dreaded combination – Heaven help those who are afflicted by more than one type of balding at once. It can happen – best alternative in that case is to go straight cueball.

Receding hairline + bald spot = George Costanza

Should've kept using that cream from China

Receding hairline + widow’s peak = Bozo the Clown

Keep it really bushy on the sides and back, thanks

Bald spot + widow’s peak = Rob Corddry

The widow's peak has been surrounded - never surrender!

Gentleman, baldness sucks. Fight the good fight. And thank God you aren’t Rob Corddry. Enjoy your weekend.

Chilly17, wasted potential is underrated

The Case Against: Goatees

chilly17 — Fri, 01 May 2009 16:32:09 +0000

I just spent a few days down South; please allow me to make a couple of observations. First, there are way too many 19 year old couples with two kids roaming the aisles at Wal-Mart. I suppose I’m pretty contrarian on the whole “our most important contribution to the world is procreation” notion anyway, but having a bunch of kids before you’re old enough to have legally sampled all the Boone’s Farm varietals?? Seems idiotic to me. At least give yourself a chance before loading up the balance sheet of life with liabilities – the Fed isn’t gonna rescue you. Second, what’s with all the fucking tats and goatees? I won’t even go into the tattoos at this point, at least there’s some prospect of covering that shit up. (Unless you’re the guy I saw in the Miami airport a couple of years ago with your entire face tattooed and those very distinguished bolts you had implanted in your forehead. You are screwed – Old Navy is probably off limits for you forever. You are destined to seek out stores with “Dungeon” or “Lair” in their names for all your shopping needs.)

I somewhat understand the desire for facial hair – at the Academy we were pretty limited in what we could do, so we expressed ourselves by pushing the limits with our sideburns (this may sound lame but at a military academy it was pretty fucking anarchic). Lower and lower, bushier and bushier they went, until you ran into some fucking Marine Lieutenant who gave you a bunch of shit about it and made you shave them. So I kind of get it. But lets be honest: goatees look fucking stupid (with a couple of exceptions noted below). They just aren’t cool. They look like the unfortunate byproduct of canine alopecia, oral sex and maple syrup.

In fact, goatees are almost certainly the mustaches of our generation. You know how people have mustache contests now to be ironic? Goatee contests are just down the road, trust me. Shave that shit; people might even start to take you seriously. And soul patches, “flava savas”, etc? C’mon, unless you are in a hillbilly sodomist banjo band, please shave that shit, too. For those of you who are concerned we won’t be able to identify hipster douchebags if all the ironic facial hair gets shaved, do not worry. There will always be fedoras and wallet chains.

We all know shaving sucks, it’s the worst five minutes of my day (although I only shave about every three days now). But a goatee actually requires more work, as there’s some artsmanship that goes into it. Stubble is fine – it tells the world “fuck off, I’m doing what I want, when I want.” Shaving sucks – don’t pour more effort into it than necessary just to maintain the conical disaster on your chin. Either go full Hirsute Honeys or go full Brazilian; goatees are too bipartisan, pick a side.

Speaking of shaving: hey Gillette, I’m onto you. The Fusion is no better than the Sensor, and yet every time you come up with a new shaving “advance,” I run out and buy the new model. (Except for that vibrating shit, that seems more something for the ladies and frankly a little dangerous.) A billion dollars in R&D my ass, it’s like “add another blade, rename the lubri-strip the dermigel strip, change the packaging to something red and call it the Gillette Contour.” I’m gonna stock up on Sensors for life.

There are only a few types of people who should be wearing goatees

1. Badasses with Shaved Heads

Sword, shades also contribute to the look

2. Magicians

Looks best on evil magicians

3. Flabby, Middle-aged White Guys with Weak Chins

There's little hope either way

Sure, there are possibly other exceptions – a huge birthmark on your chin or a hideous collection of moles, maybe – but this is basically it. Go ahead and shave – most likely with an expensive Gillette product.

Enjoy the weekend,

Chilly