I finally got a new cell phone a couple weeks back, and, while I don’t want to overstate things, it’s made my life complete. Granted, I had struggled through the last two years with a G1 (the first Android phone that left, ahem, a few things to be desired), so I had a lot of room for happiness expansion. Now I have a bad-ass MyTouch 4G that I carefully lay to rest on a bed of Chipotle napkins at night. Things are looking up in Chillyville.
5 Things That Are Bad-Ass About My New Phone
1. Can use as actual talking device – Our apartment has the cell-phone reception of a concrete bunker located somewhere in rural Wyoming. There’s an almost-constant need to charge your phone, since it’s always searching for a signal. Constant dropped calls – particularly those dropped during 35 minute momologues describing the exploits of my Boston Terrier “sisters” – do not go over well with the octogenarian set. Bad times. Along comes my boys at T-Mobile throwing in some sweet wifi calling – that shit goes right over your Linksys, fuck cellular receptivity!
2. Does not have flip-out keyboard like the G1 – Living right across from an elementary school looks bad enough for an unemployed 41 year-old who is routinely unshaven and attired in mesh shorts – throw in a phone that looks like a Sidekick and you are basically asking Chris Hansen to make a housecall. I used to think I needed that keyboard, but this phone has Swype, whereby you randomly draw lines and stuff on the virtual keyboard and it magically translates those squiggles into the words you wanted to type. (Or close to what you wanted to type, it took the adaptive learning system a bit to catch on that “fuckstick” was going to be a pretty commonly used noun.)
3. Voice Recognition – Don’t like Swype? Fine, just touch the “Genius Button” and say what you want to text. That’s right, say what you want to text, I italicized that for a reason. We’ve come practically full-circle on communications: texting was created because people dislike small talk but like to be able to quickly communicate important items; the downside to texting was that you had to type. Now, we’ve cut out the bullshit typing middleman – you say your text into the phone, and something somewhat close to what you’ve said will appear in the text box. (Accuracy may vary, “I just got off the train” worked perfectly; “I’m at Columbia, thinking of banging some co-eds” became “In Colombia, thinking to bring some COSI.” (Editor’s note: I was not literally thinking of banging some co-eds, that was what we comedy writers call a “witticism.” Also, Columbia may have the lowest percentage of bangable co-eds in the country, so wanted to keep my rep.)
4. Tmobile’s high-speed network only has 13 users, unlike the 7.5 billion people using AT&T in NYC – Even this here incredibly-slow-to-load website was rendered in 0.03 nanoseconds, pictures and all, over the quasi-4G network. I can tether the iPad to this bitch and presumably roar along compared to the AOL dial-up experience that is AT&T.
5. It’s Flash-enabled, ya’ll – Now I can enjoy some porn in Starbucks without having to drag my laptop in there. (Although to say Flash is spotty on Android is a huge understatement, ESPN videos don’t even give attempt to work, they just sit there, looking back at you, begging you to take another futile stab at the Play button.)
5 Things That Kind of Suck
1. Can use as actual talking device – I hate talking on the phone. Just email me or text me. Thanks.
2. The name is ghey – They could have at least have called it the Touch My 4Orgy, with an ad campaign like “Call All Your Friends – They’ll Want Some, Too” or something like that.
3. Censorship on voice recognition – I verbally responded to a text with “fuck you” and the phone typed “f*ck you.” Don’t try and censor me, Dragon Naturally Speaking! F*ck you, indeed. Actually, we’re cool, as long as you make it even easier to not have to talk on the phone but yet remain plugged in to vital stuff.
4. Having to deal with “Is that a new iPhone?” repeatedly – This invariably leads to me having to defend my love for T-Mobile (synopsis: hate AT&T in all forms, Verizon wasn’t good for overseas, T-Mobile’s customer service is up there with Amex in my opinion). I like T-Mobile, so just deal with it.
5. Having too few deficiencies to support a “5 Things That Kind of Suck” list – But you can’t have a “4 Things That Kind of Suck” list, that’s just stupid. I guess I could’ve added “bought phone from Amazon but don’t get the kickback from my own purchases” but that’s more of a criticism of the associate policy than the phone. Dammit.
Lots of stuff a-brewin around here, actually have two other posts that are in the conceptual (ie thinking about them while trying to fall asleep) stages, working on a business venture with a buddy, having some weird pains in my lower abdomen that are either the result of drinking too much or mean that I’m about to have my period…lots going on, holmes…