Archive for the ‘Top Ten’ Category
An Unesteemed Opinion: The Best Drinking Games
It may come as a surprise to you, but I don’t consider myself a definitive authority on drinking games. Drinking games have traditionally been a way to coax the unaggressive (or “meek”) to imbibe more heartily – a problem I’ve never really had. I have entered the arena a few times, largely to get one lameassed friend or another to drink by directing every “give a drink” their way. I do play a variety of solitary drinking games – drink whenever you see a lion, leopard or cheetah on Big Cat Diary or drink whenever you hear a screeching idiot on any flavor of Real Housewives. I play such games keep motivated in the absence of drinking competitors/companions.
A word about the image above: I stole it from the internet and know none of the participants. But I admire and respect many of the things captured in it: steely concentration and focus from someone who is apparently playing solo quarters; a person sporting a killer goatee and playing with a water gun; another person who appears to be about to vomit (or is doing that dance where you really emphasize your heartbeat). These people are doing it right – kudos.
One problem with drinking games is that they are pretty beercentric; I generally never drink beer. The most popular drinking games also emphasize skill while diminishing the role of chance – I tend to enjoy card games where the skill is convincing the people that you are getting drunk that they are not drunk and shouldn’t make you do that shot of Cuervo. That minor squabble is alleviated by the fact that alcohol will eventually reduce the skill factor and level the playing field (somewhat). To fully flesh out this topic, I had to huddle with esteemed collegiate drinking buddy Bat Rastard – to avoid any charge of plagiarism, consider the entry here an amalgam of our thoughts on the topic.
The Top Five Legitimate Drinking Games
5. Russian Roulette - I’m gonna put this over Dizzy Izzie (drink from the tap as you spin around the keg, bonus points for not falling down) because it is more game-like and doesn’t require a keg. The game is pretty simple: start with a six pack, shake up one beer, mix up beers so you don’t know which one was shaken. Each player sequentially selects a beer – if your chosen beer explodes you have to shotgun the rest of the beers, if it doesn’t, you just shotgun that one. This is a very short game. Bonus points for playing with beer and White Russians.
4. Baseball – This is all Bat Rastard, but I’m certain I’d be excellent at it. My likely greatness would undoubtedly leave a suspected-PED-use cloud over the game, so probably for the best.
Baseball works like this:
- Two teams of at least 3 players
- Line up four pint glasses, with the glass nearest the “batter” being ¼ full of beer, the next at ½ full, etc
- Batter bounces a quarter, trying to get it in one of the glasses, each of which represents a single, double, triple, or homerun. A missed shot is an out and the next player on the batter’s team is up
- If batter gets a single, double, or triple, opposing team must drink (slam) the cup containing the quarter, and the batter’s team has a man on base (either first, second, or third)
- If batter gets it in the homerun cup, opposing team drinks all four glasses
- All runs must be forced in (i.e., get a triple you have a man on third, must get 3 singles before that run scores)
- BEST PART: each team has a designated “steal man” each inning. If batter’s team has a man on base, batter’s team designates its steal man, who has an entire cup of beer in front of him; other team has a similarly situated steal man. At any time with a runner on base, the batter’s team steal man can grab his cup and start slamming the beer – the defensive steal man must react and try to slam his beer faster to “throw out” the steal man. If the batter’s team guy wins, the runner advances
- Keep track of how many runs each team has and play for 9 innings (rookies), or 3 innings (professionals who can handle all the drinking and constantly attempt to steal)
- PROS: gets you drunk quickly, exciting game, much trash talking, super fun to play
- CONS: requires tons of beer on hand – MUST have a keg or be at a bar with large pitchers. Impossible to play with just cans or bottles
3. Swingers Drinking Game – This could be practically any tv show or movie – The Simpsons, Ally McBeal, Glitter - the varieties are endless. The games usually revolve around drinking whenever something familiar happens, like a dancing baby appearing, or dialog, plot or characters being completely nonsensical (Cool As Ice, Showgirls, Gigli, etc). Swingers is a perfect game for this – it’s an awesome movie with many iconic scenes, drinking when you hear “baby” or “money” fits perfectly, and you will not make it through the casino scene alive.
2. Kings – A drinking card game that I only played a few times, but that I would like to play a few hundred more times.
BR explains: ”Kings is pretty fun – spread a deck of cards out on the table face-down. Place an empty pitcher in the middle of the table, each player has a full cup of beer. Take turns drawing 1 card, each card means something else (e.g., for the non-face cards, spades mean person to your left drinks the number of drinks on the card, clubs is person on right. Hearts means everyone drinks, diamonds mean you pick the person who drinks; each person who draws a king pours their entire beer (or as much as they want of their beer, in the wuss version of the game) into the pitcher, last king drawn ends the game with that person downing the entire pitcher; jacks mean make a rule, queens mean something else – I forget). There are an infinite number of variations on this game. I’m not a huge fan of the rule-making, though, as it devolves into rules like “no talking” and “no pointing” and a bunch of unenforceable crap that makes it too hard to play after a while.
I disagree on the rules component, I think rules rule. ”No proper nouns,” “must touch your nose before you drink” etc. add a dimension of concentration and enforcement. I am happy to make sure that the rules are observed, it’s a more socially-accepted version of being a tattle-tail and adds to the consumption.
1. Quarters – The big daddy of them all. There’s a strong skill element involved (we all know the guys who could roll the sh-t off their nose and such) but it usually worked out for the best. I like the “make three shots and make a rule” version, but I’m not sure it’s universal. I have f-cked up like 7 tables attempting to play quarters on them – not every table can sustain a game – and I respect wood. A no-brainer for #1, though, they even played it on the much-ballyhooed Freaks and Geeks. Seth Rogen made $87 playing it with non-alcoholic beer.
Beer shuffleboard also has potential
Drinking Games We Invented
5. Three Wise Men – Being young and foolish, when I was 20 we would just stack three bottles of tequila, rum and vodka and do a shot of the first bottle, and then chase it with shots of the next two bottles. Repeat until someone projectile vomits. That person lost.
4. The “Try Some of This Warm 100 Proof Vodka Mixed With Warm Crazy Horse, You F*cking P*##y” Game – It’s played just like it sounds. First person to gag loses. In its purest form, the game is played in a Home Depot parking lot.
3. Shots Till You Die – Not so much a game as performance art. Gather with a bunch of wuss friends. Have a solid drinking buddy fly into town; everyone congregate at a bar. Order ten shots of Goldschlager. Watch as wusses bitch and moan about having to do one shot of Goldschlager. You and non-wuss friend each drink five shots of Goldie in rapid succession to the astonishment of others. Immediately go have a friendly chat with a bouncer, you’ll need that air of familiarity later.
2. Reverse Quarters – A true gentleman’s game. Playing quarters with BR one time on an RV headed to Florida (shout out to a fine RV – the Georgie Boy Cruise Air III), we were having a civil game of traditional quarters, but were disgusted by the negativity of hoping the other would miss – where was the camaraderie?
Even more of a chick magnet than a Murray Moped
So, we changed the dynamic of the game. Away went the plain-Jane Boone’s Farm (Strawberry Hill) we were playing with, replaced by Turbo Boone’s (Strawberry Hill plus Popov vodka). We started to drink only when we made a shot (we were hitting about 93% of our shots). I woke up at 6:00 AM driving down the main drag in Daytona, with an extremely drunk Korean surfing on top of the Cruise Air. My toenails were painted black.
1. Proof Palate – (Name courtesy BR) This is a pretty fun two-man game that only works in a lazy bar environment. Tell the bartender to bring you two shots of any alcohol he wants, but not to tell you what the spirit actually is. You each take a sip of a shot, then guess the proof of what you just tasted. Whoever is furthest from the number has to drink both drinks. You will learn a lot about the liqueurs that are hidden on the middle shelves playing this game.
A Very Popular Drinking Game I’ve (Sadly) Never Played
Where's the damn net?
Beer Pong – I love booze (not necessarily beer), I love ping pong and I enjoy the competitive drinking scene. Unfortunately, I’ve only been in the proper environment a handful of times. Probably my best chance was last year in Cozumel, when I was drinking and playing pong with Bat Rastard himself. However, it was windy as sh-t (explaining why I got my ass kicked, it was certainly not skill level) and there was no chance of glasses not blowing off the table.
Last month, there were like 30 kids playing beer pong at SO’s brother’s graduation party. I was all set to give it a shot when two of her brother’s friends came in and said “you must be happy to have another kid out of the house.” That was slightly deflating, so I took off my argyle sweater and went to sleep at 9:15 PM instead.
Bat’s take: I like beer pong, but only REAL beer pong, where players use actual ping pong paddles and a ball. One cup of beer placed at each end of the table and players play ping pong, trying to get the ball to land in the cup at the opposite end. The game people call beer pong (or “Beirut”) now just involves throwing a ping pong ball at a group of 6 or so cups of beer and trying to land it in them. It’s retarded.
A Drinking Game That Sucks Because It’s Way Too Complicated – The Goal Is To Drink Not To Remember 10,000 Rules
Asshole – I still don’t know how to play it, there are cards and Presidents and Vice Presidents and sh-t. Let’s just play Kings and not memorize a f-cking org chart. (Not to be confused with Cornhole, a pretty fun beanbag tossing game that is quite ripe for a specific drinking variant.)
For The Elite: The Method
They look like potential Methodists
Method - Method is not so much a drinking game as a way of life. Do you hate that early part of the evening when you’re at a bar, everybody’s kind of sober, and you have to make boring small talk? ”How’s work?” ”Work’s good, man, thanks for asking.” If you dislike that sh-t, then maybe you are a Method man. (Like Batman, Method goes by either “Method” or “The Method.” Generally scares the sh-t out of people like Batman, too. Or, the Batman.)
The exact beginnings of method are shrouded in mystery, but legend has it that it started with a man named Milo Minderbender in a seedy bar in Key West. Milo, supposedly disgusted with the amount of alcohol in the all-you-can-drink-for-$30 gin and tonics, ordered three of them, removed the ice, and drank the remainder as a voluminous shot.
I further refined and marketed Method, and am frequently credited with its creation. Such attribution is clearly an honor, but is a bit misleading. Did I switch the actual alcohol consumed from a bevy of weak G&Ts to the Long Island Iced Tea (the real deal, not from a mix)? Yes, I did. But the theatrical throwing of ice on the floor was there when I started nurturing the concept. Is “Method” an awesome name for a drinking style, as well as a great way to kick off a night? Yes, it is, and I named it. But it’s not all about glory, it’s about potentially life-threating binge drinking.
Even more advanced methods evolved, fittingly called “Advanced Method”. There were two different approaches to Advanced Method – one favored doing two consecutive Methods; the other, a shot of tequila or goldschlager followed by Method followed by another shot. (The latter is also known as “Shot-Method-Shot” and is not recommended.)
SAFETY DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT RECOMMEND PLAYING ANY OF THESE GAMES. I WAS CLOSE TO BEING A TRAINED DRINKING PROFESSIONAL AND EVEN I WAS LUCKY TO HAVE SURVIVED SOME OF THE AFOREMENTIONED CONTESTS AND THE METHOD LIFESTYLE. NOW I LEAD A REWARDING-YET-CONSERVATIVE LIFE AS A FREE INTERNET WRITER WHO SOMETIMES GIVES AWAY SUPER EXPENSIVE SH-T FOR NO APPARENT REASON AND I HAVE A NEWFOUND AFFINITY FOR THE CAPS LOCK KEY.
(Seriously, nobody wants to win a f-cking $800 iPad? I might declare have to cancel this contest and just rejoice in the Appley goodness of the first Jobsian product I’ve ever purchased. Got the 32 gig 3G.)
2200 words? No wonder this took forever. Thanks, Bat (The Bat?), for all the help,
Later,
Chilly17
Things That Are Not Really Debatable: The Best Board Games Ever (Part II)
Posted by: chilly17 in Pop Culture, Top Ten on July 12th, 2010
Here’s Part II – See Part I here…
5. Pay Day
Pay Day: Top 10 Candy Bar and Top 10 Game
Description: I haven’t played this game in probably 28 years, but I vividly recall the life lessons it taught. As a poor bastard from Arkansas, the gameplay prepared you for the life to come: just try to get through the month and pay your damn bills without needing to borrow money. Welfare, the lottery, getting paid monthly – just like Omar promised, it was all in the game.
Enhanced by Alcohol: I haven’t played this as an adult, because – like it’s more dour cousin Life – Pay Day is a little on the depressing side. (There are Pay Day loans available at 20% interest that cannot be repaid early – did the game actually inspire the term “payday loans”?) But, I have to give it props for keeping it real and being pretty fun back in the day – and not including little peg-assed kids as literal reminders of the responsibility and financial burden they represent (thanks, Life).
Fistfight Potential: Not all that high, given that if you play Pay Day now, you might cry a little bit depending on the accuracy of its month-to-month reflection of your situation.
4. Trivial Pursuit
Kind of looks satanic from above, but is no angel pagan. Mets fan know what's up
Description: Now we are into the big boys, not much to say here, this game is probably Pac-Manesque for most people reading this. I thought I was a smart little bastard, so I highly enjoyed the ’suit – a great chance to show the adults what was what. I’m pretty sure I can still get a pie piece any time that sh-t lands on orange. And, f-ck brown. You know what brown can do for me? Brown can kiss my ass – “which author wrote the 1827 novella The Sky Frowned“? I’m ten, dude, how should I know? (Although brown was good preparation for when I went to take the test to be on Jeopardy. It ain’t no multiple choice, ya’ll, it was 100 questions about operas and sh-t I’d never heard of. I walked out – still hoping to run into the Cash Cab, though. And I need to work on my geography.)
Enhanced by Alcohol: The game itself is not enhanced, but the trashtalking takes a giant leap forward. One huge drawback is the tendency for drunk asses to say the answer aloud to any question they hear uttered.
Fistfight Potential: Moops. That sh-t is always a possibility. And given the team nature of the game, you can generally count on at least one domestic disturbance per four couples, based on actual or perceived underperformance (“You buy all those f-cking US Weeklies and you don’t know who was in The Bridges of Madison County?!?!”)
3. Aggravation
Inspires more rage than you'd suspect
Description: I will probably take a lot of sh-t for this, but this game is an excellent rage igniter, despite the fact that the outcomes are mostly random (although there’s some strategy as players determine whether they want to warp drive it around the board or actively pursue other players). For those unfamiliar: you race your marbles around the board, based on a roll of the die, in a race to get it to home base before other players f*ck you over. It’s like a more visceral Uno, with the always-pleasant addition of a die.
(Note: I almost included Trouble on this list, and then recalled that it’s possible I never even played Trouble. It’s pretty similar to Aggravation but includes the state of the art Pop-O-Matic technology. I think I felt some misguided affection for Trouble based on Bill Bellamy’s hilarious bit about playing it with his sister when they were supposed to be asleep. I couldn’t find just the Trouble bit on YouTube, but if you ever come across his stand up on Comedy Central, I highly recommend it (despite what you your preconceived notions of BB might be.))
Enhanced by Alcohol: As with almost everything, that’s a yes. The more booze, the more aggression, the more the namesake sensation.
Fistfight Potential: Not too high – there are marbles involved. Difficult to conjure that much aggression when marbles are involved.
2. Chess
Chess: the game that even models think is awesome
Description: I haven’t researched this, but I assume it’s the oldest game ever – if not, it’s gotta be close. The name of the pieces are generally also superhero names (with the exception of pawns – nobody wants to be a f-cking pawn). The closest you will come, in board game form, to mixed martial arts. Completely strategy-based, no element of chance – you only have yourself to blame. The visceral thrill of trapping someone is right up there with the sensation just before you launch a punch toward someone’s throat.
It’s tough to put chess second on a list like this, it’s essentially perfect, but I dinged it slightly because it’s only a two player game. I learned to play as an adult (when I was on a submarine) and was so enthralled that I played at literally every opportunity and even bought a chess book when we finally had two days off. (Note: chess books are not helpful when playing the normal kind of dumbasses that we all are, not a lot of successful Queen’s Gambits being pulled off by beginners. Also, Gambit – yet another superhero chess name.) People who are good at chess are just wired differently; I knew a kid from the academy that supposedly was a master or wizard, and he was a bit of a dipsh-t, but apparently he could literally see into the future when playing chess.
My two chess highlights were both on my submarine: first was almost (and in hindsight, wisely almost) beating the Captain of the ship after I had just learned how to play. The second was when I was playing one of the really junior guys on our ship, and wasn’t paying attention and lost my queen early. This could have been massively humiliating, but I struggled back to take down both his rooks and before you know it had re-popped a queen and kicked that ass.
Enhanced by Alcohol: Oh, yes. If you have two equally matched players, a scorecard and an endless supply of hooch, you are in for a long, long night. Gameplay will suffer, but you will hear some superb taunts and boasts that sound straight out of King Arthur’s court.
Fistfight Potential: Traditionally a gentleman’s game, but can get ugly quickly when embraced by the crowd that can’t beat the Sega Genesis version of Chessmaster on the easy level. I found chess to be most frustrating in that, unlike say, tennis – where one person usually trounces the other every time they play- there would be rare victories against better players, but no true breakthrough. Sigh…if only I was good (and that last sentence was in something similar to grammatically correct English.)
1. Monopoly
Yeah, I made a replica board on a piece of cloth that I took to school in 3rd grade - didn't everybody?
Description: You know the drill – buy and sell properties, perhaps dabble in the utility and railroad businesses, periodically make $200 just for going about your business. The game that very likely spawned a century of rental property speculation. Not quite the science that chess has become, but there have been statistical studies of Monopoly (I’m not gonna say anything about them, just keep buying those railroads!) and there are legitimate world championships and such. It’s the king.
Although there are official rules, almost every home game plays by some variation: I’m a big believer in putting $500 and all the fines and sh-t into Free Parking, but that’s not in the rules. Most people are lost on the concept of mortgage and what to do with the properties when someone dies. Similar to chess, in this game you are looking to completely ruin your opponent – there are no friendly games of Monopoly. Monopoly is what America is all about: empire-building, competitor-squashing, no-holds-barred success.
Enhanced by Alcohol: Yes, but not if one of your players is a compassionate drunk – that’s not what the game is about. It’s about kicking people onto the streets and watching them starve, as you laugh and count your stacks of cash.
Fistfight Potential: When you are finishing up training in Groton, CT during the winter, there is not a lot going on. Sure, you can hit Foxwoods if you can dig your car out of the snow, but sometimes 12 degree whether can sap the desire to even consider walking outside. So fire up the Monopoly board, a four person game being pretty optimal. Invariably, this sh-t got out of hand – mostly because motherf-ckers don’t know what constitutes a legitimate trade.
My trade proposals were 100% transparent – so fair that I would take either side of the trade. Inevitably, people insisted on stupid proposals, or tried to work out earn outs (“you don’t have to pay rent if you land on my greens with hotel if you give me the last red”) or other bullsh-t. Test the sanctity of the competition and you are likely to get punched, or at a minimum ignite a lot of arguing and board-throwing.
Also, I’m always the thimble. Don’t even think about taking the thimble.
Later,
Chilly17
Things That Are Not Really Debatable: The Best Board Games Ever
Posted by: chilly17 in Pop Culture, Top Ten on July 8th, 2010
Do you recall how the Riddle of the Sphinx just turned out to be an allegory about the circle of life? The sphinx killed a lot of innocent tourists for not catching her murky metaphor about the human lifecycle lining up with the stages of a day, until Oedipus busted out the answer (which he probably celebrated by spending some time with his mom). Like Oedipus, as kids we all enjoyed hanging with the family and playing some board games. Then, as teenagers, family game nights turned super lame. Just as the metaphorical cane allows the person in the Riddle of the Sphinx to walk later in life, so does alcohol consumption allow adults to embrace game night again.
But how do the games themselves stack up? Some games are tests of physical dexterity, some of mental acuity, some of pure chance. Which ones are best suited for the simultaneous consumption of alcoholic beverages? Which ones are likely to start a fistfight among close friends? I’ll admit my exposure to board games isn’t particularly worldly – my mom wouldn’t allow games that were satanic (D&D) or involved murder (Clue) – but I’ve had my share of action.
Before anybody starts complaining – “Where’s Pictionary? Where’s Taboo?” – I enjoy those games, they are pretty fun to play with groups of people, but to me there is far too much input for the players to consider them board games. They are more like performance art. I think strategy and chance are the key components to a great board game, not the ability to quickly draw simple-yet-accurate drawings or to have friends that aren’t retarded.
Imma break this into two parts, because then it will be two posts (I’m getting pretty tired)…
The Best Board Games Ever (Part I)
10. Don’t Break The Ice / Operation
Games: Teaching kids about tragic accidents and congenital heart disease for years
Description: I’ve got to give a nod to something for the young ones and to recognize the skill/dexterity element of boarding (as we board gamers call it). I personally despise the newer wave of skill games like Jenga, mostly because I stink at them and they aren’t really improved by enjoying a martini while playing. (I like to think that it’s my propensity for drinking that causes the shaky hands, not my family’s propensity for getting Parkinson’s.)
Most people probably prefer operation to the lesser-known DBTI, but I preferred the latter: there was no need for batteries, there were no incredibly tiny pieces to invariably lose (although if you lost too many ice blocks in DBTI, you were really f*cked), and I liked the sense of being able to potentially protect of someone who was healthy – the Moe-looking guy on Operation had so many problems that he wasn’t long for this world anyway. Certainly that nose was a sign of either alcoholism or skin cancer, which the game failed to even diagnose.
Enhanced by Alcohol: No, I didn’t drink much when I was five.
Fistfight Potential: Not really, kids were mostly into eating play-doh, and I don’t think grownups would be playing these much. Still sweet games though.
Any Downside? The aforementioned lost pieces were a killer in both games. And who ever used the money and cards in Operation? I didn’t even know those existed until I was expertly putting that picture together.
9. Yahtzee
Known as "Bar Dice" in Wisconsin
Description: A game that teaches probability and suggests a future interest in casino craps? Sign me up.
Enhanced by Alcohol: Yes, in fact, when in Wisconsin I learned that the bartenders keep a Yahtzee! game for slow nights and will play it with customers – if you lose you buy a drink, if they lose, they buy you a drink – phenomenal. One of the rare no-downside cases for the consumer.
Fistfight Potential: Not really, most people in Wisconsin are pretty amicable.
Any Downside? A great board game really shouldn’t have a diminishing element (ie a need to buy refills) – those scorecards don’t last forever. That’s how the getcha.
8. Uno
Learn spanish and the concepts of betrayal and retribution all at the same time!
Description: A simple card game where you attempt to screw people over and avoid being screwed.
Enhanced by Alcohol: Without question. Uno is actually more fun as an adult, when you can though a “Draw Four” on your SO while enjoying a Red Bull and vodka and cursing and yelling. Good times.
Fistfight Potential: The potential for collusion (not to cheat, just to screw one person disproportionately) is high, but generates less fistfights and more quitting (with a disgusted scattering of cards thrown in).
In one of the greatest achievements in word game history, I got "bonebreaker" in both games on the same day
Description: Nerd games where people who like read and stuff have an advantage. Scrabble gets all the love, but I actually prefer Boggle and working within a framework that starts from scratch every few minutes. I’ve actually only played Scrabble a few times as an adult, but I am badass; I have no idea why we didn’t have it as a kid given that my mom was always making me compare our scores in “It Pays To Increase Your Word Power” in Reader’s Digest and I was a champion speller (damn you, “obscured” – how does f-cking “occurred” have two r’s and you don’t!)
Enhanced by Alcohol: Maybe a bit of wine helps, but you can’t go on a real bender and expect to throw up some sweet triple word, triple letters.
Fistfight Potential: Moreso in Boggle, where strange things can happen. I once had an SO who could trounce me in Boggle every time, despite the fact that I had prob 80 IQ points on her. She had the strategy of making everything friggin plural and also could do all the “bad, dad, sad, lad, cad, had, zad, qad” BS….so there was usually some frustation/anger involved.
6. Twister
Bikini Twister variant trumps Star Wars Monopoly
Description: I’m pretty sure I’ve never actually played Twister, but I really wanted to include this picture.
Enhanced by Alcohol: Um, yeah.
Fistfight Potential: Only if the baby oil runs out.
Later,
Chilly17
