See that painting above?  Is it something I did in three minutes with a ruler and some sidewalk chalk?  Or is it a famous painting hanging in a museum in San Francisco (future home of the Football Hall of Fame after Harbaughombardi rewrites the record books; I will be disappointed in anything less than 85-0 over the next five years after last week’s The Decision-esque fiasco)?  I don’t want the suspense to boil over in here, so I will reveal the truth: it’s some famous painting hanging in a museum in San Francisco (ex-home of the single stupidest football coach I have ever seen – somebody should compile Singletary’s most moronic moves and put them on Youtube – probably would require parts 1-8.  Legend.  Nice guy though, thinks highly of God and stuff.)

Everyone who looks at modern art c0mes to the same conclusion: “shit, I could art it up better than that shit.”  These feelings are particularly strong when looking at paintings that are just like one red line; I love when people are there interpreting the meaning of that shit.  To me – no great purveyor of the arts, for sure – I believe art to be stuff (paintings, drawings, sculptures) that looks like – or evokes – real stuff…like dragons or fruits.  But a single red line on a canvas?  I could totally do that, and my artistic talents are pretty limited (I say that because I’m trying to be internet modest – I can draw like DMC.  Especially owls, I can draw a pretty solid owl.)  There are a few other talents/careers/whatnot that everybody feels they’d be killer at (and for me, “headline creator for free, not widely read website” wouldn’t be one of them – I spent like ten minutes debating the best title for this post and still ended up with a GD preposition at the end.  I should’ve gone with “Five Things Everyone Thinks They’d Be Fucking At, Fucking Grammar Snob.”)

Five Things Everybody Thinks – No, Knows – They’d Be Fucking Great At

5.  Modern Artist. I first started thinking about this when we were in Dallas last month – we checked out an exhibit of sculptures from some crazy texan who just welds random shit together, let’s it age for ten years, pours milk on it, welds some more shit to it, puts glitter on, and then decides what it all means.  (Interestingly for FNL fans – and if you aren’t an FNL fan, please go fuck yourself, again – I’m pretty sure the guy Saracen is working with in season four is modeled after James Magee.  Speaking of Saracen, he’s apparently back on a new show.  Unfortunately, that show is on ABC and is by the fuckers that created Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice, so it will surely be a gratuitous atrocity.)

Modern art. Bunch of metal in a case. I can do that.

Old school art. Looks like my friend Diego. I cannot do that.

4.  Writer (or Blogger/Novelist/Screenwriter). Everyone knows, deep down, that they are funnier, smarter and more interesting than everyone else.  Thus everyone has that great novel, hilarious blog, or high-dollar screenplay lurking just below the surface of their day-to-day tedium.  Rarely, however, do people actually sit down and take a shot.  But everybody thinks they can and, likely, will.  (I could be a bit of a cautionary tale here, as I thought it was very, very, very likely that I would immediately vault to the top of the virtual internet heap once I unleashed my vivid life experiences and witty bon mots on the cyber audience.  Now, almost two years in, I am still lagging espn.com and ladieshomejournal.com in eyeballs.  (And, if I eliminated the “eyeballs” that are Romanian spambots, it’s most likely just me, my mom (Diddy – she said thanks for the thoughtful gifts!) and a handful of dedicated potentialzers that need a way to unwind after their Chatroulette sessions).

But don’t worry, you can totally step up where I fell short.  That screenplay about the gyro vendor who goes on to become a famous concert pianist has legs.  Seriously.  (Although, that homeless guy with the radio voice who just got a job with the Cavs probably stole a lot of your thunder.)  As for me, I have dialed down my expectations a bit for 2011; instead of a Ferrari I’m hoping to score a couple of Beefy Crunch Burritos – only $0.99 and they have Flamin Hot Fritos up in there!  Delicious and nutricious.  At least I’m assuming they’re pretty nutritious, they also have nacho cheese, sour cream and rice, so can’t be too bad for you.

If you think I'm gonna shy away from white suits once this website hits it big, you have seriously misconstrued some shit.

3.  Race Car Driver. There might be a little debate on this, as at least a handful of mouth-breathing NASCAR fans (No offense, Bro.  Or JWinnie – you guys both totally breath through your noses) will try to say how difficult it is and how much of a sport it is.  I disagree.  Strongly.  I can drive a car.  Unlike, say, baseball – I cannot hit even an 80 mph fastball.  I would likely be hard-pressed to tackle Adrian Peterson in the open field.  But drive a car in a circle, fast?  No fucking problem.  If I can navigate the shitty corridor from Memphis to Little Rock at 80 mph (ironically, the same speed that killed my burgeoning baseball career) while avoiding all the meth dealers running from the cops and seventeen year olds racing to the hospital to have their third kids, I could drive a fucking race car.  (This one I’m 100% confident in.  If you bastards would have just bought some industrial machinery through the Amazon link – assuming those A-holes in Seattle would have actually given me credit for it –  I’d have totally bought that Ferrari and catapulted myself into the middle-aged racing circuit that I’m sure exists.)

Looking cool in goggles is probably harder than driving quickly around a circle.

2.  DJ. This is probably the one that most people have taken a shot at – iPods and shit have made it way too easy to demonstrate your great fucking taste in tunes that will ignite the dance floor.  Fuck, I could rock any kinda party just by throwing on the Bee Gees station on Pandora (but that doesn’t count because then it’s some kind of algorithm or something deciding what sweet jams to play.)

Say, hypothetically, I’m an attendee at a killer party (of likeminded forty year olds rocking olive khakis and horizontally-striped button downs), when suddenly the DJ is stricken ill (likely a food allergy, or he doesn’t enjoy the sight of Dockers).  ”Chilly,” the hosts will say, “you are pretty down with the tunes, can you help us out here?”  Assuming I modestly decline before ultimately obliging the host’s request, here’s how I’d open things up.

• “Rock The Bells” – LL Cool J (got to start old school)
• “Tom’s Diner” – DNA featuring Suzanne Vega (more on this later)
• “Rock You Like A Hurricane” – Scorpions (you gotta have some hair metal and I have no Winger on me)
• “The Power Is On” – The Go! Team (that one head-nodding tune from the NFL commercial, the one they play 1/5 as much as the Breesus commercial.  Remind me to tell ya’ll about the time I met Arthur Blank (Falcons owner and the old guy awkwardly nodding his head in the commercial) at a charity auction and bid on some Keith Brooking gear because I felt bad for the dude.  Funny story.  Also, one of the few recent occasion where I felt sorry for a billionaire.)
• “Rooty” – Basement Jaxx (got to have some Jaxx)

And thats just for starters, son.  More where that came from.

Not as glitzy as sitting on the couch in your underwear writing about ugly babies, but being a DJ probably isn't so bad

1.  Speculator. Rather than just a top five list, this is an expansion of the wpz narrative.  It’s gonna all tie together neatly, like Inception.  (I haven’t seen Inception yet, so I’m hoping that’s true – wanted to be topical.)  If you read this blog frequently, you are aware of at least three facts about me: 1) I’m something of a sommelier; 2) I’m not particularly clever; and 3) I’m always game to try an endeavor eight or so years after it’s fashionable or financially appealing.  Which is why the Chillaxinator is starting a microscopic investment company with a partner.  (And I mean microscopic – assets under management will be about the same amount as lunch for four at Chipotle.)  It really won’t be a huge departure from how I’ve rolled the last two years, anyway, except now I can legitimately operate under the “small business proprietor” umbrella – no longer will I have to hide in the shadows with the other dregs of the internet.

And, like me, everybody thinks they’d be a great speculator; whether the millieu is comic books, houses, options, futures, vintage cheese wrappers, etc. everyone’s firm belief that they are smarter than everyone else usually leads to taking a shot or two at speculation.  I guess that makes me a serial speculator.  Don’t worry, if this doesn’t work out, I have another solid idea – I’ll buy some condos in Miami.  Or I could start an eBay shipping store like in 40 Year Old Virgin.  Sky’s the limit when you have.

(Note: I should hope that this entire site has served as a rolling list of Risk Factors, but don’t worry, our little company will very likely never be open to external investors.  And I’ll still be around here.  But I’m dropping the bling level down to “single bling” to reflect my newfound respectable position in society.)

Later,

Chilly17

It may come as a surprise to you, but I don’t consider myself a definitive authority on drinking games.  Drinking games have traditionally been a way to coax the unaggressive (or “meek”) to imbibe more heartily – a problem I’ve never really had.  I have entered the arena a few times, largely to get one lameassed friend or another to drink by directing every “give a drink” their way.  I do play a variety of solitary drinking games – drink whenever you see a lion, leopard or cheetah on Big Cat Diary or drink whenever you hear a screeching idiot on any flavor of Real Housewives.  I play such games keep motivated in the absence of drinking competitors/companions.

A word about the image above: I stole it from the internet and know none of the participants.  But I admire and respect many of the things captured in it: steely concentration and focus from someone who is apparently playing solo quarters; a person sporting a killer goatee and playing with a water gun; another person who appears to be about to vomit (or is doing that dance where you really emphasize your heartbeat).  These people are doing it right – kudos.

One problem with drinking games is that they are pretty beercentric; I generally never drink beer.  The most popular drinking games also emphasize skill while diminishing the role of chance – I tend to enjoy card games where the skill is convincing the people that you are getting drunk that they are not drunk and shouldn’t make you do that shot of Cuervo.  That minor squabble is alleviated by the fact that alcohol will eventually reduce the skill factor and level the playing field (somewhat).  To fully flesh out this topic, I had to huddle with esteemed collegiate drinking buddy Bat Rastard – to avoid any charge of plagiarism, consider the entry here an amalgam of our thoughts on the topic.

The Top Five Legitimate Drinking Games

5.  Russian Roulette - I’m gonna put this over Dizzy Izzie (drink from the tap as you spin around the keg, bonus points for not falling down) because it is more game-like and doesn’t require a keg.  The game is pretty simple: start with a six pack, shake up one beer, mix up beers so you don’t know which one was shaken.  Each player sequentially selects a beer – if your chosen beer explodes you have to shotgun the rest of the beers, if it doesn’t, you just shotgun that one.  This is a very short game.   Bonus points for playing with beer and White Russians.

4.  Baseball –  This is all Bat Rastard, but I’m certain I’d be excellent at it.  My likely greatness would undoubtedly leave a suspected-PED-use cloud over the game, so probably for the best.

Baseball works like this:

• Two teams of at least 3 players
• Line up four pint glasses, with the glass nearest the “batter” being ¼ full of beer, the next at ½ full, etc
• Batter bounces a quarter, trying to get it in one of the glasses, each of which represents a single, double, triple, or homerun.  A missed shot is an out and the next player on the batter’s team is up
• If batter gets a single, double, or triple, opposing team must drink (slam) the cup containing the quarter, and the batter’s team has a man on base (either first, second, or third)
• If batter gets it in the homerun cup, opposing team drinks all four glasses
• All runs must be forced in (i.e., get a triple you have a  man on third, must get 3 singles before that run scores)
• BEST PART:  each team has a designated “steal man” each inning.  If batter’s team has a man on base, batter’s team designates its steal man, who has an entire cup of beer in front of him; other team has a similarly situated steal man.  At any time with a runner on base, the batter’s team steal man can grab his cup and start slamming the beer – the defensive steal man must react and try to slam his beer faster to “throw out” the steal man.  If the batter’s team guy wins, the runner advances
• Keep track of how many runs each team has and play for 9 innings (rookies), or 3 innings (professionals who can handle all the drinking and constantly attempt to steal)
• PROS:  gets you drunk quickly, exciting game, much trash talking, super fun to play
• CONS:  requires tons of beer on hand – MUST have a keg or be at a bar with large pitchers.  Impossible to play with just cans or bottles

3. Swingers Drinking Game – This could be practically any tv show or movie – The Simpsons, Ally McBeal, Glitter - the varieties are endless.  The games usually revolve around drinking whenever something familiar happens, like a dancing baby appearing, or dialog, plot or characters being completely nonsensical (Cool As Ice, Showgirls, Gigli, etc).  Swingers is a perfect game for this – it’s an awesome movie with many iconic scenes, drinking when you hear “baby” or “money” fits perfectly, and you will not make it through the casino scene alive.

2.  Kings –  A drinking card game that I only played a few times, but that I would like to play a few hundred more times.

BR explains:  ”Kings is pretty fun – spread a deck of cards out on the table face-down.  Place an empty pitcher in the middle of the table, each player has a full cup of beer. Take turns drawing 1 card, each card means something else (e.g., for the non-face cards, spades mean person to your left drinks the number of drinks on the card, clubs is person on right.  Hearts means everyone drinks, diamonds mean you pick the person who drinks; each person who draws a king pours their entire beer (or as much as they want of their beer, in the wuss version of the game) into the pitcher, last king drawn ends the game with that person downing the entire pitcher; jacks mean make a rule, queens mean something else – I forget).  There are an infinite number of variations on this game.  I’m not a huge fan of the rule-making, though, as it devolves into rules like “no talking” and “no pointing” and a bunch of unenforceable crap that makes it too hard to play after a while.

I disagree on the rules component, I think rules rule.  ”No proper nouns,” “must touch your nose before you drink” etc. add a dimension of concentration and enforcement.  I am happy to make sure that the rules are observed, it’s a more socially-accepted version of being a tattle-tail and adds to the consumption.

1.  Quarters – The big daddy of them all.  There’s a strong skill element involved (we all know the guys who could roll the sh-t off their nose and such) but it usually worked out for the best.  I like the “make three shots and make a rule” version, but I’m not sure it’s universal.  I have f-cked up like 7 tables attempting to play quarters on them – not every table can sustain a game – and I respect wood.  A no-brainer for #1, though, they even played it on the much-ballyhooed Freaks and Geeks.  Seth Rogen made $87 playing it with non-alcoholic beer.

Beer shuffleboard also has potential

Drinking Games We Invented

5.  Three Wise Men –  Being young and foolish, when I was 20 we would just stack three bottles of tequila, rum and vodka and do a shot of the first bottle, and then chase it with shots of the next two bottles.  Repeat until someone projectile vomits.  That person lost.

4.  The “Try Some of This Warm 100 Proof Vodka Mixed With Warm Crazy Horse, You F*cking P*##y” Game –  It’s played just like it sounds.  First person to gag loses.  In its purest form, the game is played in a Home Depot parking lot.

3.  Shots Till You Die –  Not so much a game as performance art.  Gather with a bunch of wuss friends.  Have a solid drinking buddy fly into town; everyone congregate at a bar.  Order ten shots of Goldschlager.  Watch as wusses bitch and moan about having to do one shot of Goldschlager.  You and non-wuss friend each drink five shots of Goldie in rapid succession to the astonishment of others.  Immediately go have a friendly chat with a bouncer, you’ll need that air of familiarity later.

2.  Reverse Quarters –  A true gentleman’s game.  Playing quarters with BR one time on an RV headed to Florida (shout out to a fine RV – the Georgie Boy Cruise Air III), we were having a civil game of traditional quarters, but were disgusted by the negativity of hoping the other would miss – where was the camaraderie?

Even more of a chick magnet than a Murray Moped

So, we changed the dynamic of the game.  Away went the plain-Jane Boone’s Farm (Strawberry Hill) we were playing with, replaced by Turbo Boone’s (Strawberry Hill plus Popov vodka).  We started to drink only when we made a shot (we were hitting about 93% of our shots).  I woke up at 6:00 AM driving down the main drag in Daytona, with an extremely drunk Korean surfing on top of the Cruise Air.  My toenails were painted black.

1.  Proof Palate – (Name courtesy BR)  This is a pretty fun two-man game that only works in a lazy bar environment.  Tell the bartender to bring you two shots of any alcohol he wants, but not to tell you what the spirit actually is.  You each take a sip of a shot, then guess the proof of what you just tasted.  Whoever is furthest from the number has to drink both drinks.  You will learn a lot about the liqueurs that are hidden on the middle shelves playing this game.

A Very Popular Drinking Game I’ve (Sadly) Never Played

Where's the damn net?

Beer Pong – I love booze (not necessarily beer), I love ping pong and I enjoy the competitive drinking scene.  Unfortunately, I’ve only been in the proper environment a handful of times.  Probably my best chance was last year in Cozumel, when I was drinking and playing pong with Bat Rastard himself.  However, it was windy as sh-t (explaining why I got my ass kicked, it was certainly not skill level) and there was no chance of glasses not blowing off the table.

Last month, there were like 30 kids playing beer pong at SO’s brother’s graduation party.  I was all set to give it a shot when two of her brother’s friends came in and said “you must be happy to have another kid out of the house.”  That was slightly deflating, so I took off my argyle sweater and went to sleep at 9:15 PM instead.

Bat’s take:  I like beer pong, but only REAL beer pong, where players use actual ping pong paddles and a ball.  One cup of beer placed at each end of the table and players play ping pong, trying to get the ball to land in the cup at the opposite end.  The game people call beer pong (or “Beirut”) now just involves throwing a ping pong ball at a group of 6 or so cups of beer and trying to land it in them.  It’s retarded.

A Drinking Game That Sucks Because It’s Way Too Complicated – The Goal Is To Drink Not To Remember 10,000 Rules

Asshole – I still don’t know how to play it, there are cards and Presidents and Vice Presidents and sh-t.  Let’s just play Kings and not memorize a f-cking org chart.  (Not to be confused with Cornhole, a pretty fun beanbag tossing game that is quite ripe for a specific drinking variant.)

For The Elite: The Method

They look like potential Methodists

Method -  Method is not so much a drinking game as a way of life.  Do you hate that early part of the evening when you’re at a bar, everybody’s kind of sober, and you have to make boring small talk?  ”How’s work?”  ”Work’s good, man, thanks for asking.”  If you dislike that sh-t, then maybe you are a Method man.  (Like Batman, Method goes by either “Method” or “The Method.”  Generally scares the sh-t out of people like Batman, too.  Or, the Batman.)

The exact beginnings of method are shrouded in mystery, but legend has it that it started with a man named Milo Minderbender in a seedy bar in Key West.  Milo, supposedly disgusted with the amount of alcohol in the all-you-can-drink-for-$30 gin and tonics, ordered three of them, removed the ice, and drank the remainder as a voluminous shot.

I further refined and marketed Method, and am frequently credited with its creation.  Such attribution is clearly an honor, but is a bit misleading.  Did I switch the actual alcohol consumed from a bevy of weak G&Ts to the Long Island Iced Tea (the real deal, not from a mix)?  Yes, I did.  But the theatrical throwing of ice on the floor was there when I started nurturing the concept.  Is “Method” an awesome name for a drinking style, as well as a great way to kick off a night?  Yes, it is, and I named it.  But it’s not all about glory, it’s about potentially life-threating binge drinking.

Even more advanced methods evolved, fittingly called “Advanced Method”.  There were two different approaches to Advanced Method – one favored doing two consecutive Methods; the other, a shot of tequila or goldschlager followed by Method followed by another shot.  (The latter is also known as “Shot-Method-Shot” and is not recommended.)

SAFETY DISCLAIMER:  I DO NOT RECOMMEND PLAYING ANY OF THESE GAMES.  I WAS CLOSE TO BEING A TRAINED DRINKING PROFESSIONAL AND EVEN I WAS LUCKY TO HAVE  SURVIVED SOME OF THE AFOREMENTIONED CONTESTS AND THE METHOD LIFESTYLE.  NOW I LEAD A REWARDING-YET-CONSERVATIVE LIFE AS A FREE INTERNET WRITER WHO SOMETIMES GIVES AWAY SUPER EXPENSIVE SH-T FOR NO APPARENT REASON AND I HAVE A NEWFOUND AFFINITY FOR THE CAPS LOCK KEY.

(Seriously, nobody wants to win a f-cking $800 iPad?  I might declare have to cancel this contest and just rejoice in the Appley goodness of the first Jobsian product I’ve ever purchased.  Got the 32 gig 3G.)

2200 words?  No wonder this took forever.  Thanks, Bat (The Bat?), for all the help,

Later,

Chilly17

Here’s Part II –  See Part I here…

5.  Pay Day

Pay Day: Top 10 Candy Bar and Top 10 Game

Description: I haven’t played this game in probably 28 years, but I vividly recall the life lessons it taught.  As a poor bastard from Arkansas, the gameplay prepared you for the life to come: just try to get through the month and pay your damn bills without needing to borrow money.  Welfare, the lottery, getting paid monthly – just like Omar promised, it was all in the game.

Enhanced by Alcohol: I haven’t played this as an adult, because – like it’s more dour cousin Life – Pay Day is a little on the depressing side.  (There are Pay Day loans available at 20% interest that cannot be repaid early – did the game actually inspire the term “payday loans”?)  But, I have to give it props for keeping it real and being pretty fun back in the day – and not including little peg-assed kids as literal reminders of the responsibility and financial burden they represent (thanks, Life).

Fistfight Potential: Not all that high, given that if you play Pay Day now, you might cry a little bit depending on the accuracy of its month-to-month reflection of your situation.

4.  Trivial Pursuit

Kind of looks satanic from above, but is no angel pagan. Mets fan know what's up

Description: Now we are into the big boys, not much to say here, this game is probably Pac-Manesque for most people reading this.  I thought I was a smart little bastard, so I highly enjoyed the ‘suit – a great chance to show the adults what was what.  I’m pretty sure I can still get a pie piece any time that sh-t lands on orange.  And, f-ck brown.  You know what brown can do for me?  Brown can kiss my ass – “which author wrote the 1827 novella The Sky Frowned“?  I’m ten, dude, how should I know?  (Although brown was good preparation for when I went to take the test to be on Jeopardy.  It ain’t no multiple choice, ya’ll, it was 100 questions about operas and sh-t I’d never heard of.  I walked out – still hoping to run into the Cash Cab, though.  And I need to work on my geography.)

Enhanced by Alcohol: The game itself is not enhanced, but the trashtalking takes a giant leap forward.  One huge drawback is the tendency for drunk asses to say the answer aloud to any question they hear uttered.

Fistfight Potential: Moops.  That sh-t is always a possibility.  And given the team nature of the game, you can generally count on at least one domestic disturbance per four couples, based on actual or perceived underperformance (“You buy all those f-cking US Weeklies and you don’t know who was in The Bridges of Madison County?!?!”)

3.  Aggravation

Inspires more rage than you'd suspect

Description: I will probably take a lot of sh-t for this, but this game is an excellent rage igniter, despite the fact that the outcomes are mostly random (although there’s some strategy as players determine whether they want to warp drive it around the board or actively pursue other players).  For those unfamiliar: you race your marbles around the board, based on a roll of the die, in a race to get it to home base before other players f*ck you over.  It’s like a more visceral Uno, with the always-pleasant addition of a die.

(Note: I almost included Trouble on this list, and then recalled that it’s possible I never even played Trouble.  It’s pretty similar to Aggravation but includes the state of the art Pop-O-Matic technology.  I think I felt some misguided affection for Trouble based on Bill Bellamy’s hilarious bit about playing it with his sister when they were supposed to be asleep.  I couldn’t find just the Trouble bit on YouTube, but if you ever come across his stand up on Comedy Central, I highly recommend it (despite what you your preconceived notions of BB might be.))

Enhanced by Alcohol: As with almost everything, that’s a yes.  The more booze, the more aggression, the more the namesake sensation.

Fistfight Potential: Not too high – there are marbles involved.  Difficult to conjure that much aggression when marbles are involved.

2.  Chess

Chess: the game that even models think is awesome

Description: I haven’t researched this, but I assume it’s the oldest game ever – if not, it’s gotta be close.  The name of the pieces are generally also superhero names (with the exception of pawns – nobody wants to be a f-cking pawn).  The closest you will come, in board game form, to mixed martial arts.  Completely strategy-based, no element of chance – you only have yourself to blame.  The visceral thrill of trapping someone is right up there with the sensation just before you launch a punch toward someone’s throat.

It’s tough to put chess second on a list like this, it’s essentially perfect, but I dinged it slightly because it’s only a two player game.  I learned to play as an adult (when I was on a submarine) and was so enthralled that I played at literally every opportunity and even bought a chess book when we finally had two days off.  (Note: chess books are not helpful when playing the normal kind of dumbasses that we all are, not a lot of successful Queen’s Gambits being pulled off by beginners.  Also, Gambit – yet another superhero chess name.)   People who are good at chess are just wired differently; I knew a kid from the academy that supposedly was a master or wizard, and he was a bit of a dipsh-t, but apparently he could literally see into the future when playing chess.

My two chess highlights were both on my submarine: first was almost (and in hindsight, wisely almost) beating the Captain of the ship after I had just learned how to play.  The second was when I was playing one of the really junior guys on our ship, and wasn’t paying attention and lost my queen early.  This could have been massively humiliating, but I struggled back to take down both his rooks and before you know it had re-popped a queen and kicked that ass.

Enhanced by Alcohol: Oh, yes.  If you have two equally matched players, a scorecard and an endless supply of hooch, you are in for a long, long night.  Gameplay will suffer, but you will hear some superb taunts and boasts that sound straight out of King Arthur’s court.

Fistfight Potential: Traditionally a gentleman’s game, but can get ugly quickly when embraced by the crowd that can’t beat the Sega Genesis version of Chessmaster on the easy level.  I found chess to be most frustrating in that, unlike say, tennis – where one person usually trounces the other every time they play- there would be rare victories against better players, but no true breakthrough.  Sigh…if only I was good (and that last sentence was in something similar to grammatically correct English.)

1.  Monopoly

Yeah, I made a replica board on a piece of cloth that I took to school in 3rd grade - didn't everybody?

Description: You know the drill – buy and sell properties, perhaps dabble in the utility and railroad businesses, periodically make $200 just for going about your business.  The game that very likely spawned a century of rental property speculation.  Not quite the science that chess has become, but there have been statistical studies of Monopoly (I’m not gonna say anything about them, just keep buying those railroads!) and there are legitimate world championships and such.  It’s the king.

Although there are official rules, almost every home game plays by some variation: I’m a big believer in putting $500 and all the fines and sh-t into Free Parking, but that’s not in the rules.  Most people are lost on the concept of mortgage and what to do with the properties when someone dies.  Similar to chess, in this game you are looking to completely ruin your opponent – there are no friendly games of Monopoly.  Monopoly is what America is all about: empire-building, competitor-squashing, no-holds-barred success.

Enhanced by Alcohol: Yes, but not if one of your players is a compassionate drunk – that’s not what the game is about.  It’s about kicking people onto the streets and watching them starve, as you laugh and count your stacks of cash.

Fistfight Potential: When you are finishing up training in Groton, CT during the winter, there is not a lot going on.  Sure, you can hit Foxwoods if you can dig your car out of the snow, but sometimes 12 degree whether can sap the desire to even consider walking outside.  So fire up the Monopoly board, a four person game being pretty optimal.  Invariably, this sh-t got out of hand – mostly because motherf-ckers don’t know what constitutes a legitimate trade.

My trade proposals were 100% transparent – so fair that I would take either side of the trade.  Inevitably, people insisted on stupid proposals, or tried to work out earn outs (“you don’t have to pay rent if you land on my greens with hotel if you give me the last red”) or other bullsh-t.  Test the sanctity of the competition and you are likely to get punched, or at a minimum ignite a lot of arguing and board-throwing.

Also, I’m always the thimble.  Don’t even think about taking the thimble.

Later,

Chilly17

Do you recall how the Riddle of the Sphinx just turned out to be an allegory about the circle of life?  The sphinx killed a lot of innocent tourists for not catching her murky metaphor about the human lifecycle lining up with the stages of a day, until Oedipus busted out the answer (which he probably celebrated by spending some time with his mom).  Like Oedipus, as kids we all enjoyed hanging with the family and playing some board games.  Then, as teenagers, family game nights turned super lame.  Just as the metaphorical cane allows the person in the Riddle of the Sphinx to walk later in life, so does alcohol consumption allow adults to embrace game night again.

But how do the games themselves stack up?  Some games are tests of physical dexterity, some of mental acuity, some of pure chance.  Which ones are best suited for the simultaneous consumption of alcoholic beverages?  Which ones are likely to start a fistfight among close friends?  I’ll admit my exposure to board games isn’t particularly worldly – my mom wouldn’t allow games that were satanic (D&D) or involved murder (Clue) – but I’ve had my share of action.

Before anybody starts complaining – “Where’s Pictionary?  Where’s Taboo?” – I enjoy those games, they are pretty fun to play with groups of people, but to me there is far too much input for the players to consider them board games.  They are more like performance art.  I think strategy and chance are the key components to a great board game, not the ability to quickly draw simple-yet-accurate drawings or to have friends that aren’t retarded.

Imma break this into two parts, because then it will be two posts (I’m getting pretty tired)…

The Best Board Games Ever (Part I)

10.  Don’t Break The Ice / Operation

Games: Teaching kids about tragic accidents and congenital heart disease for years

Description: I’ve got to give a nod to something for the young ones and to recognize the skill/dexterity element of boarding (as we board gamers call it).  I personally despise the newer wave of skill games like Jenga, mostly because I stink at them and they aren’t really improved by enjoying a martini while playing.  (I like to think that it’s my propensity for drinking that causes the shaky hands, not my family’s propensity for getting Parkinson’s.)

Most people probably prefer operation to the lesser-known DBTI, but I preferred the latter: there was no need for batteries, there were no incredibly tiny pieces to invariably lose (although if you lost too many ice blocks in DBTI, you were really f*cked), and I liked the sense of being able to potentially protect of someone who was healthy – the Moe-looking guy on Operation had so many problems that he wasn’t long for this world anyway.  Certainly that nose was a sign of either alcoholism or skin cancer, which the game failed to even diagnose.

Enhanced by Alcohol: No, I didn’t drink much when I was five.

Fistfight Potential: Not really, kids were mostly into eating play-doh, and I don’t think grownups would be playing these much.  Still sweet games though.

Any Downside? The aforementioned lost pieces were a killer in both games.  And who ever used the money and cards in Operation?  I didn’t even know those existed until I was expertly putting that picture together.

9.  Yahtzee

Known as "Bar Dice" in Wisconsin

Description: A game that teaches probability and suggests a future interest in casino craps?  Sign me up.

Enhanced by Alcohol: Yes, in fact, when in Wisconsin I learned that the bartenders keep a Yahtzee! game for slow nights and will play it with customers – if you lose you buy a drink, if they lose, they buy you a drink – phenomenal.  One of the rare no-downside cases for the consumer.

Fistfight Potential: Not really, most people in Wisconsin are pretty amicable.

Any Downside? A great board game really shouldn’t have a diminishing element (ie a need to buy refills) – those scorecards don’t last forever.  That’s how the getcha.

8.   Uno

Learn spanish and the concepts of betrayal and retribution all at the same time!

Description: A simple card game where you attempt to screw people over and avoid being screwed.

Enhanced by Alcohol: Without question.  Uno is actually more fun as an adult, when you can though a “Draw Four” on your SO while enjoying a Red Bull and vodka and cursing and yelling.  Good times.

Fistfight Potential: The potential for collusion (not to cheat, just to screw one person disproportionately) is high, but generates less fistfights and more quitting (with a disgusted scattering of cards thrown in).

In one of the greatest achievements in word game history, I got "bonebreaker" in both games on the same day

Description: Nerd games where people who like read and stuff have an advantage.  Scrabble gets all the love, but I actually prefer Boggle and working within a framework that starts from scratch every few minutes.  I’ve actually only played Scrabble a few times as an adult, but I am badass; I have no idea why we didn’t have it as a kid given that my mom was always making me compare our scores in “It Pays To Increase Your Word Power” in Reader’s Digest and I was a champion speller (damn you, “obscured” – how does f-cking “occurred” have two r’s and you don’t!)

Enhanced by Alcohol: Maybe a bit of wine helps, but you can’t go on a real bender and expect to throw up some sweet triple word, triple letters.

Fistfight Potential: Moreso in Boggle, where strange things can happen.  I once had an SO who could trounce me in Boggle every time, despite the fact that I had prob 80 IQ points on her.  She had the strategy of making everything friggin plural and also could do all the “bad, dad, sad, lad, cad, had, zad, qad” BS….so there was usually some frustation/anger involved.

6.  Twister

Bikini Twister variant trumps Star Wars Monopoly

Description: I’m pretty sure I’ve never actually played Twister, but I really wanted to include this picture.

Enhanced by Alcohol: Um, yeah.

Fistfight Potential: Only if the baby oil runs out.

Later,

Chilly17

I honestly don’t eat all that much cereal.  But I am the sole proprietor of this website, and I have found that writing definitive rankings of very dear and subjective items to be an easy way to formulate the words that appear when you click on this page.  My SO, on the other hand, does eat a Seinfeldian amount of cereal, and will, I’m certain, find fault with these rankings.  (She was not consulted in advance, despite her experience in the field.)

Although I’m not currently a major consumer of cereal, I did grow up during the golden age of crunchy wheat, rice and corn pellets: the mid-70s to mid 80s.  1979 was probably the biggest cereal year for my generation, with the debut of two game changers.  As an idle youth, I can recall enjoying a fat bowl of Digem Smacks while watching Fantastic Four cartoons (the horrible ones with a fucking robot instead of The Human Torch, for fear that kids would set themselves ablaze).  So the first half of the list is somewhat steeped in nostalgia, whereas the second half is more reflective of my adult sensibilities.

The Top Ten Cereals of All Time

10.  Quisp

It's a little alarming that the mascots head is quisp-shaped

First Hit Shelves in: 1965

Rationale: I remember Quisp as being a pretty tasty cereal with an alien motif that eventually was discontinued.  Apparently it was reintroduced in the 1990s as “the first internet cereal.”  Sweet marketing.  Killer name though.  Nostalgia rules.

Anything Else? Quaker now only sells Quisp online, so I guess the internet moniker is accurate.

9.  Cap’n Crunch

Have your oral surgeon's phone number handy when eating CC

First Hit Shelves in: 1963

Rationale: Like Quisp, Cap’n Crunch, the mascot, was created by the guys behind Rocky and Bullwinkle – apparently even in the 60s people were talking synergies, probably the offshoot of some “Quaker Oats buys Hanna Barbera” pitchbook.  Quisp was apparently a softer “sister cereal” to the Cap’n – a nod to the fact that Cap’n Crunch is the Funyuns of the cereal world – this cereal will lay waste to the roof of your mouth.  Some kids would take a piece of white bread and stick it to the roof of their mouth as a rudimentary crunch-guard.  Lacerations or not, Cap’n Crunch remains an industry powerhouse to this day.

Anything Else? Quaker makes like 75 variants of CC – including one that included fucking pop rocks!  I once invented a cereal that “swam” around the bowl in my mind!  They actually sold that shit!  And built a huge advertising campaign around it!  I must’ve been underwater at the time, I don’t recall.  They also once included a whistle as a toy that emitted a 2600 hertz tone, which somehow allowed the blower to fuck with the phone company by disconnecting a call at a call box and allowing them to somehow use the line for free.  This was back in 1971, so presumably it doesn’t work for cell phones, so don’t bother.

8.  Frosted Flakes

Another example of how ascots help sell kids on taste

First Hit Shelves in: 1952

Rationale: They were Sugar Frosted Flakes back in my day, before everything became honeyfied.  Not the most exciting cereal, and easily genericized, but has to be a top tenner if only for Tony and his enduring marketing presence.  And animals wearing ties or ascots are friggin awesome.

Anything Else? Tony was apparently involved with Katy The Kangaroo for a brief period of time, but it didn’t last.  And there have been surprisingly few variations on the classic flake theme – none involving pop rocks.  (There’s a term for that: wasted potential.)

7.  Sugar Smacks

I can't believe Digem Smacks got the KFC treatment

First Hit Shelves in: 1953

Rationale: Dig’em is a bad-assed mascot and this shit has more sugar than any other cereal, “Honey” Smacks or not.  They prepared the pallate nicely for a Velveeta grilled cheese to come.  Could easily run around in circles for 8-9 straight hours after a large bowl – possibly an early Red Bull prototype?

Anything Else? Smacks have had about 43 different mascots, including one that was a half-horse, half-kangaroo that kissed everyone in sight.  Maybe Tony the Tiger found out that Katy the Kangaroo was actually a post-op cartoonie?

6.  Golden Grahams

Can't eat these anymore, much like the burritos at Picante in Davis Square

First Hit Shelves in: 1979

Rationale: I’m not 100% certain on the 1979 bit as the GG wiki is shockingly sparse (especially in light of the ample Quisp love) but it was certainly at some point during my cereal-consuming wheelhouse.  These things offered a few things that other cereals couldn’t match: 1) GG were a much simpler method of eating graham crackers and milk (which people used to actually do); 2) GG could be used to make S’Mores, which were the “it” dessert of the era; and 3) GG offered a different, and delightful, taste sensation compared to the other cereals on the market.

Anything Else? My mom, who passed a genetic predisposition to be able to eat a massive quantity of the same food without tiring of it on to me, was also a huge Golden Grahams fan when they came out.  We were knocking back like 9 boxes per week.  The problem with the affliction, though, is that once you hit the wall, you’ve hit the wall for good.  30 years later, I still can’t eat Golden Grahams.  But I certainly respect their place in history.

5.  Rice Krispies

I invented a cereal that swam around instead of crackling. Didn't get past the conceptual stage

First Hit Shelves in: 1928 (holy shit!)

Rationale: I didn’t realize that Rice Krispies were like the Yoda of cereal!  This is probably too low on the list, but I have it a little crowded at the top.  Extremely tasty cereal (downside, you have to add sugar), enduring mascots (are they related to the Keebler Elves though?) and spawned a dessert that is in the pantheon of deliciousness.  These definitely should be higher, but I’m not moving all these pictures around.  Sorry, RK, you got fucked over.

Anything Else? The fucking Rolling Stones (italics for emphasis, not because I think you italicize band names) recorded a song for a Rice Krispies commercial in 1963.  Created a side industry of putting some marshmallow in the cereal and selling it as a “bar.”  One of the first foods to incorporate an audio component into the eating experience.

4.  Honey Bunches of Oats w/ Almonds

Not as ghey as you'd think

First Hit Shelves in: 1989

Rationale: My first “variant” selection – you gotta have the almonds, though.  This is an “adult” cereal, which unfortunately doesn’t promise nudity or cursing, but that you will not earn disapproving looks at the checkout stand.  It’s pretty fucking tasty though.

Anything Else? HBOOWA reminds me a bit of Clusters, a similar adult cereal that had some stuff stuck together and was not horrific.  There are about 18 variations of the basic Honey Bunches of Oats, the most exotic of which is probably Honey Mustard Bunches of Oats.

3.  Apple Jacks

Apple Head didn't endure, possibly because of the nightmares he caused

First Hit Shelves in: 1965

Rationale: A is for apple, J is for jacks.  Cinnamon, toasty apple jacks.  That’s really all you need to know – the bowl of pink milk is just a bonus.

Anything Else? Invented in 1965 by an MIT professor (who’s not coincidentally credited with creating the “fake apple deliciousness” algorithm).  Once came out with a non-carrot, carrot variant.  That variant also hyped the lack of apple taste on the box, which is odd for a product called “apple ____.”

Even vegans don't want carrot cereal. Actually I guess they don't eat cereal. Fuckin vegans.

2.  Honey Nut Cheerios

The debut of HN Cheerios was a huge deal, you young uns wouldn't believe

First Hit Shelves in: 1979

Rationale: 1979 was a huge year for cereal, with the introduction of Golden Grahams and Honey Nut Cheerios.  Adding flavor to Cheerios?  Madness!  It got the cereal variant party started, for real.  HCN is a rare straddle cereal – kids and adults can eat it with smug satisfaction.

Anything Else? Lots of fiber is good for the cholesterolz.  The bee mascot is pretty annoying though.  Parents use ziploc bags of HNC to calm wilding babies when out in society.

1.  Fruity Pebbles

Simply the best

First Hit Shelves in: 1971

Rationale: One of the foods I can eat an inordinate amount of (in the group with ice cream sandwiches and reese’s peanut butter eggs).  Provides a full days fruit requirement in only one bowl (or something like that)!  Does not damage your mouth.  Kind of like Rice Krispies, but they add the (ample) sugar for you.  Fred and Barney – enduring pop culture superstars and champion cereal pushers.

Anything Else? Fruity Pebbles topping remains the only reason to go to Pinkberry.  Also the longest-running cereal that started as a movie or tv tie-in.   The commercials have always emphasized to kids the importance of larceny in a balanced breakfast.

Even artists love the pebbles

Honorable Mention: Lucky Charms (for status only – marshmallows have no place in cereal), Special K (surprisingly good despite healthy rap),  Frosted Mini Wheats (You’ll burn out on them quickly),  Count Chocula / Frankenberry / Booberry (always room for comic horror at breakfasttime), Chex (should be recognized for broader contribution to snackdom)

Guarantee:  If Butler wins tonight, the headline on every major newspaper and website will be “The Butler Did It!”

Adios,

Chilly17

Today is apparently the first day you can preorder an iPad, Apple’s latest cultural meteorite sure to scorch the earth of shit that came out last year.  Why must you have one?

Ten Reasons Why You Need To Buy An iPad Immediately

10.  Maintain your lifelong vendetta against Adobe

9.  Reverse backlash: people who hate Apple early adopters now generally more hated than Apple early adopters

8.  Product has already received the Young Jeezy seal of approval

7.  Extend black turtleneck season by an additional six months

6.  Sometimes unwieldy and fragile are preferable to fully-functional or convenient

5.  On that big-assed screen, hitting the app store is like a trip to the mall, minus all the Twilight posters

4.  Help maintain current popularity of lame female hygiene-related jokes

3.  The Starbucks on the corner is getting sick of you rolling your 1999 iMac in every afternoon

2.  One should always embrace the opportunity to spend more time with the delightful folks at AT&T

1.  I really need my Apple Mar $230 calls to end up in the money after some poor decision-making earlier this week

Speaking of money, let me give you a quick update on how much dough I’ve raked in since putting those sweet ads (look to the right) on here.  $0.43.  That may not sound like much, but, hey, it isn’t.  Aren’t any of you rich fuckers buying expensive shit just for the hell of it?  That’s what I used to do back when I was a productive member of society.  (“Productive” is a subjective term and in the current climate regarding investment bankers, probably better to just say I was a member of society).  You guys deserve something nice, something like a new Adcom 7.1 Channel A/V Receiver.  If nobody’s going to buy a tractor, at least have the common decency to buy some sweet audio gear.  Indulge yourself – you work hard and you deserve it.

Speaking of advertisements, this might be one of my favorite commercials ever.  And I don’t even watch Go Yadda Yadda Hedda Gabbler or whatever.  Toys as sentient beings having a great time, imagine that!  From the monkey getting a tattoo stitched on, to the bull-riding, to the vegas scene (complete with a shout-out to my peeps at the Monte Carlo), this piece is perfectly done.  I was feeling pretty bad for that daydreaming monkey until that driver pushed that start button.  I would so buy a Kia Sorrento if they sold them on amazon.  (Commence calling me ghey.)

Happy weekend,

Chilly17, wasted potential

Have you ever been sitting around, watching the game, drinking a beer (or maybe some Yellow Tail), and had a sudden craving for some lettuce?  Of course you have – we all have.  Lettuce has always been one of the most overlooked snack foods; traditionalists still like to think of lettuce as nothing more than “the backbone of the salad.”  Based on the lines at most of the lettuce takeout shops here in Chelsea, NYC, that is simply not the case.  Herewith, our guide to help the savvy snacker navigate the many delicious choices in Lactuca Sativa.

The Top Ten Lettuces of All Time

10.  Chinese

Leafy and delicous

Pros: Really brings out the tanins in an ice cold Nehi Peach beverage; also cookable

Cons: Hungry again a few minutes later (mostly because of the negative calories, not because of the whole “you’re hungry again in an hour after eating Chinese food” stereotype)

9.  Boston

Crunchy and versatile

Pros: Looks like an artichoke; tastes similar to Cheetos

Cons: Consistently exhibits smug, superior attitude; sticks to teeth

8.  Lollo Rosso

Moody and multi-layered

Pros: So sophisticated looking, will make friends jealous; colors run through significant portion of the Roy G. Biv spectrum

Cons: Difficult to decide which end is the most edible; not as suitable for “snacking on the go” as other lettuces

7.  Taco Bell Volcano

Zesty and filling

Pros: Infused with horse estrogen and nacho cheese; nice seasoned ground beef aftertaste

Cons: One of the few members of the lettuce family that you don’t burn more calories by eating than you do by ingesting

6.  Buttercrunch

Crunchy and buttery

Pros: Inspired poor-selling line of Girl Scout cookies; somewhat resembles a lion’s mane

Cons: Cats of all types are lame; actual butter content is surprisingly low

5.  Tom Thumb

Almost alliterative and surprisingly filling

Pros: Delightful in early spring paired with a Diet Coke with Lime; can be used as a boutonnière in a pinch

Cons: Doesn’t get the party started as much as its name suggests

4.  Summer Crisp

Warm and crunchy

Pros: Somewhat counterintuitively, is crispy year-round; splendid as both the filling and the wrapping element of a lettuce wrap

Cons: Not available at the bodega around the corner; depressing to eat in NYC in February when it’s fucking 12 degrees

3.  Arugula (the honorary lettuce)

Mustardy or spinachy

Pros: Makes you feel like a real fucking fancy pants when you eat it; it’s fun to ask the uneducated whether they like it and hear them try to pretend they know what fucking arugula is

Cons: Not really a lettuce, although my investigative reporting stopped short of figuring out what it really is.  This isn’t friggin “top ten arugulas.”

2.  Romaine

Regal and stout

Pros: Leaves can be used as a dustpan; standalone, it tastes a bit like lamb vindaloo

Cons: Its reputation got overstated a bit during the Caesar Salad Boom of the late 90s

1.  Iceberg

Timeless and circular

Pros: Structure/concentration of the layers allows for eating like an apple; perfect snack for when you are starving but have a weigh-in in the next few hours

Cons: Makes you pretty full after 2-3 heads

Chilly17

My Top Ten Christmas Presents

10.  Commodore 64 Computer

64Ks of RAM power

I was finally going to enter the world of more powerful computing after being in TI-99/4A non-extended BASIC hell for three years.  Machine code via PEEKs and POKEs of a non-sexual nature, it was all there for the taking.  Typing in 1800 lines of code from Games magazine would certainly be worth it now, those games would most likely be Donkey Kong-esque masterpieces.  Alas, it was not to be.

9.  Six Million Dollar Man Action Figure

Bionic eye aesthetics have improved since 1975

One of the first hugely popular tie-in toys, the SMDM doll had a ton of shit on it – creepy bionic eye (a peephole carved in the back of Steve Austin’s head), karate/lifting arm mechanism, skin you could fucking peel back to reveal circuitry!  This was the pinnacle of 1975 toy chic.  (Apparently, after 30 years or so, the peel-backable skin becomes just a hard plastic sheath, so some enterprising lads have come up with a foreskinish SMDM replacement skin.  I’m serious, someone makes that.  What a sweet world we live in.)

8.  Don’t Break The Ice Game

Much funner than it looks (plus I was like four)

A precursor to the Jenga-type games in which you try to prevent shit from falling apart.  Provided early lessons about risk management and dealing with personal loss.  There was another sweet game I got the same year where the goal was to fish stuff out of a sewer with magnets on a string – the name of which escapes me.  They still make DBTI, so it must still be fun as shit if you are four.

7.  Stretch Armstrong Malleable Action Figure

#1 all-time unintended use toy

This toy was fun because it was filled with some mysterious mixture (best guess: 45% wet cement, 55% pudding) and every kid in the world was striving to pull the fucking arms off to see what was inside.  It was also incredibly heavy – I once bludgeoned a cat to death with one.  Okay, that never really happened – any self-respecting cat could easily dodge a 75 pound toy being swung by an eight year old – but I wanted to reiterate that I don’t care for cats.

6.  Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots

Super-compelling box + fun toy

Not much to say about RESERs – one of the best toys ever.  I believe we managed to destroy ours in less than six hours, but it was fun as shit while it lasted.

5.  Coleco Electronic Quarterback

Exceptional 1D graphics

Kids these days don’t have no ‘magination – when I was nine, I had to pretend that one bright dot evading three slightly less bright dots was Niners/Bengals.  Now the Madden games are accurate down to whether Tony Romo’s facial hair reflects a Thursday, Sunday or Monday game.

4.  Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle

His name was frickin evel and he was still mad popular

Before the Six Million Dollar Man hit, EK was the doll-I-mean-action-figure to own.  I was particularly psyched to get the Stunt Cycle and attempt to jump over like 60 buses.  Unfortunately I didn’t have that many buses so had to just jump it off the table and shit.  This toy actually didn’t work nearly as well as the commercials suggested, but still, Evel Knievel was the shit.

3.  TI 99/4A Computer

Adding a cassette tape drive really amped up the action

Yes, numbers 2 and 3 on this list happened the same year, known as “The Christmas.”  (Of course, there was an element of bribery involved, as I was being forced to move to what I thought was a shithole city.  This was later confirmed to be true.)  Two computers on here?  I must be a dork.  The TI-99/4A was a piece of shit, but at the time (1982?) it looked to be more powerful/versatile than a VIC-20.  That’s probably the only time that “powerful/versatile” and TI-99/4A have ever been used in a sentence, but it did allow me to copy ridiculously long BASIC code for simplistic games out of a magazine.  Those games were about as fun as playing tic-tac-toe against yourself.  Still, nostalgia.

2.  Murray Moped/Chick Magnet

Ladies, try and keep it in your pants

The computer was to enhance the brainpower, but the moped was all about the chicks.  Once the muffler went, it had the approximate volume of an asthmatic Harley and offered an unfortunate plume of smoke as my calling card.  Still, mobility.

1.  Atari 2600

I was a Space Invaders guy

The big daddy of them all – need I say more?

Bonus Wastedpotentialz!: Select Christmas Disappointments

Rocket Tubes

Only takes 17 hours to assemble!

Did not work.  At all.  Fuckers.

Slinky

Sweet theme song, though

We always lived in a one-story house, so it was great fun watching a Slinky go down one step.  Inevitably got all kinked up and was impossible to unkink.

Socks

Even worse if you only get a single sock

Basic necessities – socks, non-thong underwear, Yellow Tail, dental floss – do not make great presents.

Commodore 64

How can a gift be disappointing if it’s on the “best” list?  If you have to pack it back up and take it back to the store two days later.  We had an, uh, earnings revision – cash flow was less robust than originally projected.

Sporadically yours,

Chilly17

It is frigid in NYC right now – 26 degrees at 11:30 AM.  Awesome.  And, I’m on a two week drinking sabbatical due to some recent fatassness issues, so I can’t even find solace in a jug of Yellow Tail.  The life that so recently was one to brag about has become one in which I’m shivering, wearing a sweatshirt indoors and sipping a diet coke with lime.  Nothing to brag about here now, but that’s a fucking tailor-made segue into some 2009 things that could’ve been good/great (potential) but instead managed to suck (wasted).

A Lot of Wasted Potential(z)

1.  Celebrity sex scandals not involving Sofia Vergara

One more in case you are unclear on the concept...

It is not a shocking conceit to me that famous, wealthy men will have extramarital affairs.  It is shocking to me that the objects of their affections will be fatnormous interns, perkins waitresses or average vegas hobags.  Gentleman (and for discretion’s sake I’m not naming names here), take a good look at the lady above.  That’s who/what you should be striving for – make the world a better place for everyone if we’re going to have to look at pictures plastered all over the place.

2. Yellow Tail pinot noir – I love Yellow Tail, I love pinot noir, but I do not love Yellow Tail pinot noir.  Sure, it has some nice tanins and a crisp bouqet, but it lacks the intricate taste (oaky with a hint of sriracha) and delicate finish of my favorite Yellow Tail varietal, purple.  The pinot also disappointed when paired with a variety of tapas (Andy Capp’s hot fries, velveeta cheese and some starbursts).  All purple, all the time from here on out.

3. Billy’s Bakery peanut butter chocolate pie

Sweeter than it looks

Should be labeled “peanut butter chocolate pie concentrate” with very specific health warnings regarding eating it undiluted.  Parsing out the main ingredients, peanut putter chocolate pie sounds like it should be a big, fat Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg in a graham cracker crust.  While it looks delicious, at our Thanksgiving gathering, no one could muster more than a sporkful without sending blood sugar levels skyrocketing to life-threatening levels.  I’m pretty sure I got diabetes from it.  Also, not so delicious.

4. FlashForward - A road I’ve been down several times before: cool, thought-provoking concept, strong cast (on paper) from a network that allegedly (Lost) knows how to pull these things off.  The execution has been terrible, with too much focus on meaningless (in the grand scheme of things) sentimentality, ham-handed acting – particularly from the simian Joseph Fiennes – and a boring progression of the story.

Could also have reiterated other once-promising shows that devolved into suck (Weeds, Californication, Entourage) or the abortion that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

5. Trying to watch Drag Me To Hell with drunk person who dislikes scary movies

Needs more Sofia...

Lessons learned: Do not fall for it when a drunk person or SO, desirous of watching Year One (15% fresh), attempts to use reverse psychology by agreeing to watch your suggestion, the more lauded Drag Me To Hell (92% fresh).  Right after pushing “purchase” she will then start ranting about how she hates scary movies and thought you’d pick Year One instead.  And continue babbling throughout the movie.  I do recall there was a lot of vomiting (in the movie, not from the drunk person).  I need to watch this one again.

6.  Blackberry Storm – It looked like Research In Motion had a good shot at chipping away some of the iPhone’s early lead in the smartphone market.  The Storm looked cool, had a unique touchscreen keyboard with tactile feedback and had the benefit of the Verizon network.  Too bad the keyboard didn’t work quite as well as advertised, the browser was clunky and slow to react and the ergonomic design of the phone was sorely lacking (unless you enjoy having the phone switch in and out of speaker as your ear touches it when trying to use it as a conventional phone device).

Supposedly SI columnist Peter King hated his Storm, and when fortunate enough to be sitting next to the head of the Storm development team at a Red Sox game, let him hear about it.  Maybe they worked out some of the kinks for the Storm II, but I suspect that instead the Droid will be the smartphone of choice for Verizon.  Swing and miss, RIM.

7.  Arby’s gyro

WTF?

Along the lines of the YT pinot paradox, I love some arby’s and I love some gyro.  But, come on, arby’s – this isn’t a friggin gyro!  It’s a roast beef pita!  Sandwich type isn’t determined by the choice of bread; peanut butter and jelly on a tortilla isn’t suddenly a chicken burrito.  Put a real gyro rotisserie up, arby’s, and then you’re on to something.

8.  Eminem’s new album -  Repetitive woe-is-me-I-have-addictions lyrics peppered with a bunch of three-years-too-late pop culture references.  Felt like a particularly musty episode of Entourage.  Em, it’s probably safe to move away from Mariah and Jessica Simpson as objects of your derision; maybe step up to some Taylor Swift hate.  By the way, Mariah managed to cut you off at the knees with “Obsessed”; she could teach you a thing or two about retaliation.

9.  Jamarcus Russell and the Pittsburgh Steelers (tie)

A twist on the old statue of liberty play

Jamarcus allegedly has as much physical talent as anyone in the NFL, but enjoys eating and drinking more than working at his craft.  Translation: he sucks.  Which hasn’t helped the development of my boy Darren McFadden, who I projected to be better than Adrian Peterson.  Great prediction, Chilly.

Pittsburgh has lost to Cleveland, Oakland and Kansas CIty in the last month.  Wow.  Horrendous.

10.  Breaking Dawn – The fourth installment of Stephanie Meyer’s unheralded Twilight series was a relative disappointment given the strong foundation she’d laid with the first three novels.  The resolution of the multi-species love quintangle – Bella, the human; Edward, the vampire; Jakob, the werewolf; Darren, the zombie; Suesta, the mummy – was predictable and left the reader yearning for Jakob to finally find some requited love.  The final battle with the emo ninja battalion was anticlimactic and had too many errors – it’s common knowledge that ninjas hate the pacific northwest in the fall and that a mummy can only take on three ninjas, max – to be taken seriously.

I believe my Twilight fanfic at twilightfanfic.com/chilly17/breakingpwn offers a more realistic resolution to this overlooked series.

Have a good weekend,

Chilly17

Ranking the Top Ten was quite difficult; ranking the absolute worst would have been quite simple: Bugles.  In my long life, I’ve only ever seen one person actively purchase and then eat some Bugles without remorse.  Kudos to you, Majala – but that shit is fucking terrible.  If they weren’t so generic, pretzels would be in a life or death battle with Bugles for the last.  Have you ever actually eaten a pretzel, even those hot fuckers they sell at baseball games, and said “that was delicious and satisfying” afterward?  If you’ve ever had Fiery Habanero Doritos, you have.  Let’s all just face facts: pretzels blow.  But back to the good stuff.

Chips are versatile, and as such have to be considered through more than one lens (pardon me while I use some of the stuff I learned getting an MBA.  Actually, lens is just a $60k/year tuition way of saying category.  So, fuck it, category, not lens.)  The layman might just consider what a chip tastes like; I personally consider three different characteristics: the standalone taste category, the paired with food category, and the dipping category.  No one chip is perfect in all categories – indeed, most that stand alone greatly suffer in the other categories due to an overpowering independent nature.

Also, since most chips these days have 15-2000 different variations (Pringles closer to 25,000), I have selected only the standard bearer for each with no repetition in the Top Ten.  Enjoy.

10.  Andy Capp’s Hot Fries

You might get grease on you from just looking at this

Standalone: 8.  There’s a pretty good chance that you’ve never had these because they look kind of disgusting and are about as greasy as any mass-produced chip has ever been (pick up some Clearasil while you’re at it).  They are pretty frickin delectable, though.

Paired with food: 0. That’s never been attempted.

Dipping Implement: 0. Also never attempted – your dip would be turned into an orangish pool of salve in short order.

Downside: A smidge greasy.

Noteworthy Variants:  Hot Chili Cheese Steak Fries, White Cheddar Steak Fries.  Never tried either, but they sound pretty horrible.  Cheese Steak?  Like Philly Cheese Steak?  Or is that Cheesesteak?

History: Andy Capp, for those unfamiliar with his work, was a British comic strip character who drank a lot, played darts and got into huge fistfights with his wife (represented on paper by a rolling dust tumbleweed with arms and legs flaying around).  Any time I can get a food product inspired by someone who lives life so fully, I do.

9.  Cheddar Chex Mix

Don't even think of making the do-it-yourself kind with raisins and shit

Standalone: 8.  Chex Mix has been making a splash since some enterprising homemakers started making bootleg Mix back in the 1950s.  It was all the rage during 1970s key parties and eventually General Mills caved and started selling it as a standalone product in 1985.

Paired with food: 2. Occasionally, unfortunately paired with an awkward plate of hors d’oeuvres at a lame party.

Dipping Implement:  0. Not happening, these things are tiny.

Downside: Pretzels and (to a lesser extent) crackers suck.  But those rye chip things are the bombazzle.

Noteworthy Variants:  Hot ‘n Spicy is solid.  Never tried any of the “salty and sweet” variations – thats a Pandora’s Box I prefer to keep closed.

History: Nothing special here.

8.  Munchos

The Wes Welker of chips

Standalone: 6. Might be the tastiest plain potato chip around (although apparently they aren’t available everywhere these days.  But they are widely available in Southern Ontario, where they are undoubtedly poutined up with some curds and gravy.)  Munchos get zero fanfare, but do solid work.

Paired with food:  5. Munchos will definitely bring out the tanins in your ham and cheese sandwich.

Dipping Implement:  1. Probably not standing up to much other than a French Onion dip given their thin nature.  In Canada, may serve as poutine base.

Downside: Hard to find.

Noteworthy Variants:  None.

History: Munchos are thinner than most chips, somewhat translucent, and slightly curved.  Were Munchos a possible Scoops precursor in that they are shaped to facilitate dipping?  If so, probably overdesigned – given their thinness, how can one really dip anything of substance?

7.  Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips

Recession special: $1.50 lunch

Standalone:  6.5. I used to work for a Managing Director who would eat two bags of Sun Chips from the vending machine as his lunch.  Every day.  He made about $2 million per year.

Paired with food: 4. A little too esoteric for most foods, but Subway has given them the nod.  I think its mostly the “healthy” packaging/presentation.  In reality, they are little better for you than any other fried snack (except probably Andy Capp’s Hot Fries).

Dipping Implement:  3. Original works okay with a variety of dips.

Downside: Kind of ghey.

Noteworthy Variants:  Garden Salsa isn’t that bad; haven’t tried Spicy Chipotle yet as it’s only allegedly available.

History:  Nothing interesting.

6.  Sour Cream and Onion Pringles

Tasty, and a serious health hazard

Standalone:  7.0.   Delightful.  One dreadful New Year’s Eve in Chicago, I was hanging with my boy Bat Rastard and I decided to call it a night fairly early, having had my fill of the $50 all-you-can-drink-well-drinks pleasuredome/sausagefest.  I went back to our room in a particularly sour (no pun intended) mood.  I was awakened at like 5:30 AM by the sound of BR chomping Pringles at Anthrax-concert volume level.  I politely asked if he would quiet the fuck down.  The power-chomping continued for a good ten minutes, before I completely lost my mind yelling at his ass.  Eyes focused on two separate items at opposite corners of the room, he humbly offered: “It’s their fault for making them so good.”  Fair point and I could offer no retort; not surprisingly, BR went on to become a powerhouse attorney.

Paired with food:  6.5. Brings a turkey sandwich to life.  You want to have a real mini-party?  Put some turkey and American cheese on a tortilla, microwave that shit for 40 seconds, cover with a solid amount of sriracha and then crush some Pringles up on top of that – “40 Seconds of Heaven”.  Enjoy.  Thank me later.

Dipping Implement:  3. Haven’t seen it tried, but seems like it could be done.

Downside: Before they went to the softer paper can, the lid ring area used to be made of razor blades.  Digging too far down would invariably lead to wrist lacerations and the inference from strangers that one was suicidal, not a Pringles fan.  After losing about three gallons of blood lifetime, I finally learned to pour them out once you reached the point of no return.  Downside to that?  Chip shrapnel.

Noteworthy Variants:  Tough choice here as Plain Pringles are also excellent, probably right up there with Munchos as the tastiest plain potato chips.  I would suggest that Pringles tone down the 500-600 different variants they offer – some are straight up disgusting (looking at you Pizza-Licious and Guacamole).

History:  Along with Twix, Pringles must be among the most universal of food products.  I’ve been to hotels throughout the world, and invariably Pringles are prominently represented in the minibar offerings.  Want to make small talk with your Zulu-speaking guide in South Africa?  Pringles is not a bad topic to break the ice with.  Better than apples, at least.

Pringles also deserves massive props for its packaging brilliance; it’s now the go-to chip product for travelers.  I’m thinking of rolling out a chip that’s just an 8″x11″ sheet and could be packaged like a ream of paper.  That’s gonna rule – if you are starving but have to go somewhere, just shove five sheets of chips in the back of your pants like you’re a cub reporter or something.

Pringles has also had a large number of lawsuits, most of which appear to be about whether it’s really a “potato chip” given a potato content of less than 50%.  Not sure what the other 50% is, but it’s fucking delicious.

5.  Funyuns

Mouthpulverizing goodness

Standalone: 9.5. Funomenal!

Paired with food:  7.5. See the turkey sandwich recipe above – if you have no sriracha (this should never really happen) go ahead and substitute some Funyuns instead of Pringles and sriracha.  Again, save the thank yous for the comments section.  I call it “40 Seconds of Funyven”.

Dipping Implement:  0. Why dilute the magic?

Downside: Purchasing Funyuns will lead your local grocer to believe that you are a narcotics abuser.  It’s a sacrifice you have to make.  Also, as I’ve mentioned many times before, eating a lot of Funyuns is very similar to having a small road grader work over your soft palate.  Like binge drinking, Funyuns are fantastic in the moment, but you will pay for eating them over the next day or several days.

Noteworthy Variants:  None – the Wasabi and Flamin Hot versions blow.  Blech.

History:  I used to eat a lot of Funyuns.  Now I sadly do not eat as many Funyuns, due to cultural norms.  Those were the days.

4.  Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Legend has it there's a "XXX Flamin Hot" available in South America

Standalone:  9.5. You know what I do when I’m traveling with my family (none of whom drink)?  At the end of the night, I bust out a (hidden) large bottle of Yellow Tail (hopefully the purple flavor) and a large bag of Flamin’ Hots.  Then I crank up the craziness a notch by reading the internet.  Coping mechanism 101.

Paired with food:  2. I have only seen this once, in which a friend was so hammered he unknowingly ate a plate of halal and then about 1,200 Cheetos.  It was not on purpose and I suspect the day after was not a brutal day for his colorectal system.

Dipping Implement:  0. Not happening – look at these fuckers! They’re violent orange!  What could you dip them in, primordial fluids?  Lava?

Downside: Do not commit a crime within 2-3 weeks of eating some of these, you’re gonna be leaving indelible prints for at least a fortnight (or however long Wimbledon lasts).

Noteworthy Variants:  The Baked Cheetos are also redonkulously good.  Was a relatively tough choice, given that the FHCs are (spoiler alert!) causing kids to be fatasses and all, but I still have to give them the nod.  The Baked ‘tos are by far the best of the baked chips though – Baked Lays are tolerable but Baked Tostitos are dogshit.

History:  And speaking of crimes, apparently some school districts are trying to ban FHCs as they are so popular with little kids that they attribute the childhood obesity epidemic almost solely to the dastardly creation of these delicious chips.  I’m not sure what the r² is, but that correlation seems a little flimsy.  But it was on NPR, so must be real.  (Also, if you are adding up the scores and asking why FHCs are ranked so high, don’t think so hard.  There’s lots of arbitrary stuff in free blogs.  Like, I’m not a big Tony Romo fan.  See?  Arbitrary.)

3.  Cool Ranch Doritos

Give people a little extra personal space after eating these

Standalone:  7.5. They taste pretty good.

Paired with food:  7.5. They taste pretty good in conjunction with other food types.

Dipping Implement:  3.5. They might also taste pretty good when dipped into some shit, even though they are already heavily flavored and shouldn’t really be dipped into shit.

Downside: Dorito breath – it’s like morning breath paired with coffee breath topped with your-aunt-had-a-sandwich-with-onions breath.  Keep your Sonicare handy and you’ll make it through.

Noteworthy Variants:  This was excruciatingly close for me, but I had to give the nod to the old timer.  Are Fiery Habanero Doritos even still available?  I ate so many of these when they first appeared that my body could literally not tolerate any further ingestion of them.  The hottest mainstream chip ever – rose to meteoric heights but faded a little too fast, kind of like Sugar Ray.

History:  The first ever tortilla chip, Doritos are the fucking 800 lb gorilla.  Interestingly, there are no plain Doritos these days, the flavored offerings are where it’s at.  They’ve tried about 800 different flavors, but honestly they all taste pretty similar to me, with the exception of the Fiery Habs and Cool Ranch.  How about Sriracha flavored?

2.  Lay’s Classic Potato Chips

Boring, but if you're having a party, you're probably grabbing some Lay's

Standalone:  6.0. Will not take you to the soaring heights of most others on this list, but Lay’s can at least put a reasonably stable leg in each of our three categories.

Paired with food:  8.5. Yep, pretty frickin great with sandwiches.  Which is why market share at sandwich places is probably like 70%.  (Note: After writing this off-the-cuff stat, I did some due diligence and it turns out that 81% of Lay’s sold are Classics.  Not exactly the same as what I suggested, but pretty fucking accurate for a drunk/free blog/guess.  I feel like a journalist.)

Dipping Implement:  7.5. Not the first chip that comes to mind (Ruffles probably first for potato chip dipping) but a mainstay at picnics, parties and other get-togethers involving bizaare non-salsa dips.

Downside: Tend to be a bit on the messy side somehow.

Noteworthy Variants: The  Kettle Jalapeno chips are delish, but not as versatile as the Classic.

History:  The granddad of the industry.  Respect.

1.  Tostitos Scoops

Functional chips that literally bring something to the table

Standalone:  6.0. Why eat them standalone?  It would be like eating Nesquick without any milk.  The product even spells it out for you: scoop something.

Paired with food:  9.0. I eat a lot of burritos.  A lot.  Scoops work very well in this environment.  Very well.

Dipping Implement:  9.5. The only reason they don’t get a 10.0 here is that there is generally an abundance of broken chips that are marginal for scooping purposes.  (That makes them exceptional candidates as “tortilla strips” in a burrito, however).

Downside: As with Funyuns, they will hammer the roof of your mouth pretty bad.

Noteworthy Variants:  They just came out with Hint of Jalapeno of something – avoid that shit.  Scoops don’t need to be flavored, they are mainly to enhance the other foods/dips that you are dealing with.  Plain, baby, plain.

History:  Remember WOW Tostitos and Doritos and Lays?  Those Olestra chips that had like zero fat and low calories?  They were going to be the perfect solution for pear-shaped America (member: 1984).  But then one medical study showed that 2% of people suffered from “anal leakage” while eating the WOW chips.  That basically fucked the marketing right there.  Stupid Americans – more than 2% of people have “anal leakage” at any given moment!  These things got the unfortunate “causes violent diarrhea” rep.  Hard to come back from that.  Talk about wasted potential.  (They are apparently back under the “Lays Light” label.  Taste pretty good, be right back, have to run to the bathroom.)

That’s that.  Everybody in agreement here?

Lazy?  That’s 2559 words, son, but who’s counting?

Chilly17