How To Maximize Your Enjoyment of Netflix Instant
Doesn't look so tough
So my grand return to posting regularly hit a snag when I realized I am tired as hell and still a lazy person, but I will try to add a modicum of value with a short post. I recently detailed what a huge pain in the ass it is to decide on a movie at Chillyville these days (Editor’s note: technically it’s SOville, but that doesn’t have the same ring to it). As part of my continuing contribution to the non-advancement of the species, I will make this selection process easier for you.
For one thing, you can basically just skip the movies entirely, unless you have a hankering to retry The Long Kiss Goodnight (held up about as well as Geena Davis’ breasts) or an underappreciated horror classic like Trespassers (full disclosure: I’m in this movie, so may be biased). Don’t get suckered in by the fact that they list 75 movies in each mini-category (“Foreign comedies starring ex-athletes”) – you only need to go through those once – they add like one movie per 7-8 months on there, and it will be listed first. So if you invest some time to glance through the detritus once, you don’t need to do it again. Invariably they will have something that’s pretty new once every five weeks that fits in like nineteen categories, but most likely you will have already seen it (The Fighter). Stick with TV shows and documentaries and just opportunistically pick off movies on Netflix as they fall in your lap.
(What the hell is wrong with Netflix marketing? So they split out the streaming and the mail services, and decided to call the mail service Qwikster??? Shouldn’t that be what you call the streaming service? Oh, that’s right, you need to preserve the brand, and streaming is ultimately gonna be the whole business. Dumbasses – should’ve just called it Mailster.)
Sh*t I Told You To Watch 500 Times and You Never F*cking Listened To Me – Now They’re Gone and I Hate You
Friday Night Lights – On a scale of 1 to The Wire, I rate this show about 90% Wire. (Or if you prefer more conventional scoring, it’s like The Wire without Sargeant Jay, the large-but-not-quite-jovial fellow.)
Party Down – There is literally a zero percent chance you will not love this show. It’s pretty close to perfect – great characters/writing, great acting, creative liberties allowed cable shows (aka, boobs). I have watched it three times, it’s hilariouser every time. Seems cynical, turns out to be sweet – sort of like a cinematic Blow Pop (okay, that analogy doesn’t really work perfectly because both parts of a Blow Pop are sweet, but it is surprising. Maybe it’s more like a Tootsie Pop).
British Shows You Probably Could’ve Watched at Least Some of on BBC America, but Who Has Time To Flip Through All 1031 Channels?
The IT Crowd – I’m not a huge fan of traditional British humor like Monty Python and Mr. Bean (the latter is a joke, I hope), but I do enjoy quite a few British sitcoms. They either push the Standards & Practices further than in the US, or British people just don’t really give a sh*t about sexual, um, innuendo isn’t the right word…maybe frankness? Actually, The IT Crowd isn’t all that dirty, I’m more thinking of Coupling – also a Netflix Instant show, but it’s a bit older and has already even had a failed US version – but it is borderline stupid. (One of SO’s British friends on hearing we watch this show: “It’s rubbish.” Also, it had a U.S. version starring Joel McHale, but the pilot never even made it to air. Good thing, he is about as wrong as possible for the role of Roy – perfectly played here by the cop in Bridesmaids.)
The show is basically what the title says, it’s about a couple of IT nerds and their boss, who isn’t quite a nerd but she isn’t quite as cool as she’d like to be either (and she knows nothing about computers). There are goth vampire dudes, lawsuits stemming from bottom kissing, and transgendered misunderstandings. The creator, Graham Linehan, should be given credit for the fact that even Bin Laden loved The IT Crowd.
Pulling – Almost like a UK version of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia – largely despicable characters doing generally despicable things. That might be a little harsh, despicable’s probably too much. But they are not great people (unlike me – I’m at home down south and haven’t had any alcohol for a week. It’s like f*cking Leave It To Beaver up in here). It’s about a chick who dumps her fiance and then struggles to find happiness (I realize it doesn’t sound like a Chilly show, but there is a lot of boozing and debauchery in here). The best part of the show is no doubt her ex-fiance, Karl, who manages to elevate the role beyond funny sad sack. Typical UK show, 12 total episodes, not a huge time investment. Worth it.
Beloved US TV Shows That Both Had Dave Foley or That One Red-Haired Chick (Note: May Be Inaccurate)
Arrested Development – Given all the recent fanfare about the AD movie and new episodes, I would be remiss not to include it here. Probably all the comedy dorks will have already seen it, but worth revisiting before its triumphant (and I’m sure low-rated and poor-box-officed return). A nutty family does nutty things. (Okay, I am shocked that Dave Foley was never on this – he’s had at least a guest stint on every sitcom for the last 15 years.)
NewsRadio – An incredible cast of talented actors does nutty things. Important note: Netflix Instant only has the first three seasons, so it’s all Phil Hartman. No one wants to see the Lovitz ones – there’s a bunch of ominous stuff in here though that is sad in light of what happened to Hartman. Also a bizarre reference to former Pantera guitarist Dimebag Darrell in one sequence where Lisa is a VJ for a day, who was also murdered – on-f*cking-stage – at a concert in Ohio in 2004. If you can get past the Hartman tragedy (and the fact that many people think Andy Dick got his wife back on drugs) you will find that these shows really hold up. Great for watching on the iPad before bed.
Documentaries About Vicious Animals That You Should Not Watch Just After Eating
Wolverine: Chasing the Phantom - I learned that wolverines are not yellow and blue, that they can survive off just animal bones for a winter, that their back feet land further ahead than their front feet while running, and that they are adorable. Cool show.
Eternal Enemies: Lions and Hyenas – I learned that hyenas are f*cking disgusting – siblings kill one another just to prove who mom should like best (they may even eat the loser, I blocked several parts of this from my memory – also, both sexes have penis-like protuberances), that male lions can do some serious damage when pissed off and not to get attached to any character in this show because they all die. Hey, a cute lion cub. Is that a huge f*cking scorpion over there??? Is that f*cking scorpion eating that baby lion?!?!? This is more unsettling than Human Centipede (First Sequence), but somehow pretty entertaining/depressing. You will be glad you’re not a f*cking male hyena after watching, though. So there’s that.
Later,
Chilly17
The Five People You Don’t Want In Line Ahead of You At Chipotle
Posted by: chilly17 in Daily Grind on September 28th, 2011
I go to Chipotle pretty frequently. Chipotle has managed a particularly difficult consumer feat – making people think the quality of their product compensates for any potentially inflated pricing (kudos to Apple, Whole Foods and others for a similar accomplishment – Trader Joe’s belongs in a class by itself, considered very cheap and high quality!) I go there for convenience as much as anything – if Dos Toros was half a mile closer, it’d surely cut my Chipotle time considerably – but I also live less than four blocks from the only Chipotle test kitchen. That’s right – brown rice for me, suckas, and I tasted the short-lived chorizo before anyone else. Dos Toros might offer a somewhat better product – but I have found a balance – if you get a large side order of the extra hot hot sauce at DT, it turns a Chipotle chicken burrito into a fairly divine experience (and, for the faint of hot- is fairly f*cking hot.)
Anyway, sometimes there’s some kind of weird sh*t going on at Chipotle – today the two guys ahead of me had their burritos weighed, apparently they were settling a dispute as to the over/under of two pounds each. (Take the under.) A lot of times in my hood, there are little kids ordering sh*t all kinds of ways – on little bastard had his fruit cup added to a carnitas burrito. Most of you have faced the long lines, and generally the people in front of you know what’s what. But sometimes, you can just tell it’s gonna take an extra twenty three minutes for some dipsh*ts to navigate the line…
The Five People You Don’t Want In Line Ahead of You At Chipotle
The Thinker/Sampler – As a veteran fast casual burrito orderer, I am able to quickly communicate my order to both The Steamer (they throw the tortilla into that steamer thing and then slap some meat (and beans if you are so inclined) in there before handing it to what we used to call at Taco Bell The Stuffer. With The Stuffer, it generally takes no more than eye contact to insinuate that all that I need is hot sauce and cheese. This is not the case for everyone; heaven forbid you ever get caught behind a middle-aged ethnic lady perusing the menu as if she’s considering the names on the 9/11 Memorial – solemn glances are not a great thing when processing a burrito. Thinkers typically consider the menu with the same diligence that high school sophmores and juniors mull over their college choices.
The Sampler is a more highly evolved version of The Thinker – except they make the even more annoying choice of asking to sample the barbacoa or whatnot. Anybody ever walked into McDonald’s and tried to sample a spicy chicken to see if it’s really spicy? They’ll throw your ass out! They aren’t in the business of wooing customers with their incredible capacity for accomodation. These guys kill me – I have my order down to ten words or less – and they stand there with a stupid little cup like they’re at f*cking Baskin Robbins (where at least the ridiculously tiny taste spoons slightly diminish your self-respect.)
Potential Thinkers/Samplers – Middle-aged ethnic ladies, kids
Go ahead and get the chips, it's more calories, but worth it
The Perfectionist – The Perfectionist is the least common of the Chipotle misorderers, but they can cost you a significant chunk of time. They’re the people who decide that they didn’t get enough rice after their burrito has made it all the way down the line. This results in chaos/confusion as the queue gets confused and the potential for order errors increases exponentially (I once bit into the wrong burrito at Qdoba – which is why this article is only Chipotle-inclusive.) Perfectionists get incredibly upset if their cheese portion varies 1/10th of an ounce in either direction – a veritable powder keg for the poor bastard/bastardesses on the line.
Potential Perfectionists – Young women, jockies, male flight attendants
The Off-Menu Orderer – It’s a little-known secret, but Chipotle will do whatever you want. They will, literally, mix any of the sh*t they offer together for you. You want tequila and napkins inside your burrito? No problem. This is a level of customer service unlike, for instance, Taco Bell – who once refused to make me a cheesy double beef burrito because it was no longer available, despite the fact that all ingredients were just hanging out, awaiting the chance to be arranged as I requested. Chipotle will do anything that isn’t unethical – if you ask them to mate your steak with some pork, and then serve you the offspring in a tortilla, they won’t do it, because there is no way to get inter-species consent. Other stuff is no big deal, though. You want a quesadilla? You f*cking got it, homie. Do you find your burrito to be too intricately layered? Have them mix it up before wrapping it. Want it cut in half because you are so dainty and couldn’t possible consume 1450 calories at a setting? No problem, Janice.
Potential Off-Menu Orderers – Anyone who knows you can do it, Janice
The Barterer – I must readily admit to being an accomplice here – SO has moved to a trade wherein she gives up half her steak in exchange for a free half serving of guacamole. I know what you’re thinking – hey, Chilly, aren’t you making three f*cking dollars from this site every month now – why can’t you hook your lady up with a full order of guac??? Here’s my witty reply, wiseguy, she actually prefers the 50/50! However, it’s not only slightly embarassing to have to negotiate every time, but it slows me from eating my f*cking burrito! And I hate having to reestablish the bargaining points every single f*cking time! Okay, in exchange for a free half-splooge of guac, I will give you a half serving of steak, and will not take an extra 123 napkins this time through.
Potential Barterers – SO, ethnic ladies that learn guac is extra
 
The Tippler – I’ve actually only seen this a handful of times, but did you know that many Chipotles serve margaritas or other mixed drinks? Guess who makes them? The f*cking cashier…that won’t slow sh*t down at all…just go next door to Flight 151 and get your damned drinks! I have had a lot of drinks, and a lot of fast casual burritos, but I think I’ve had less than two alcoholic beverages at burrito fast casual joints. Don’t mix business and pleasure, ya’ll.
Potential Tipplers – This Asian girl? That’s the only picture I saw on the internet of someone drinking at Chipotle.
You should try the 151 Oreo Blizzard, it's the blizzomb
Later,
Chilly17
P.S. I’m about to start writing like a motherfuc&er, now that I’ve got like mad traffic, fetching girls reading, momentum, and all kinds of stuff…or maybe I’ll just have another drink or two…
The Evolution of Movie Selection
Posted by: chilly17 in Pop Culture on September 6th, 2011
I yearn for simpler days...
As an old bastard/movie connoisseur, I’ve lived through parts of six different decades and it’s amazing to the degree that selecting a movie to watch has become a f*cking chore. We’ve moved from “should we go see a moving picture tonight?” to “am I willing to sit in a roomful of assholes for two and a half hours to see this Katherine Heigl piece of sh*t that will almost certainly be the inflight movie the next time i fly Delta?” It used to be kind of fun to roll to Blockbuster and peruse the New Releases, now it’s a grueling test of endurance to even figure out what mechanism we will use to deliver the image to our eyeballs.
A Decade-By-Decade Examination Of The Movie Selection Process
The ’70s
Things were pretty simple back then: check out the newspaper and see what’s playing…if you don’t like that, see if there’s a movie on any of the three channels you have access to. Nothing good on? Tough shit, go have another baby or make a pinewood derby car.
The ’80s
The mass market availability of the VCR in the early ’80s changed the movie selection game substantially. Now, in addition to the above, one had the ability to go to a video store and check out what movies were available, with a far quicker turnaround than waiting for a broadcast debut. There was little rush greater than perusing the New Release aisle and seeing an available copy of Howard The Duck, or something else that your mom thought was too stupid to pay $5 for in the theater. (I remember once incurring some late fees because a squirrel fried itself in a transformer box, killing power to our entire neighboorhood while we had a tape in the VCR. We didn’t think of just hauling the VCR down to the store – perhaps because it weighed about 75 lbs (the Seventeen household rarely had the most cutting-edge technology).
The VCR introduced us as a society to the unique decision of “would I prefer to see this in the theater, or in the comfort of my own home, at a time of my choosing?” For fare such as Body Heat, the decision was simple; for Aliens, more complicated. At the time, no one could envision how much more complex this was about to get.
The ’90s
The ’90s introduced the DVD (which didn’t really complicate the decision-making process as they essentially just replaced VHS tapes – although it was pretty exciting for people with limited storage space under their tv, AV nerds and pron enthusiasts) and more socially-acceptable satellite sizes (ie DirecTV) which brought Pay Per View (PPV) to the forefront. Now there was an additional kink in the chain, the dreaded movie you wouldn’t rent at the video store, but that you might pay $5 to watch on ppv after a little too much Paul Masson rose- this is how I unfortunately ended up watching that godawful Godzilla reboot. (Although it was a pretty sweet feeling once you finally got that DirecTV phone line thingee to work correctly, even for those not intimately interested in the 85 adult PPV channels.)
The 2000s (or Oughts or Whatever the Hell They Ended Up Being Called)
The 2000s didn’t really cause too much of a wrinkle, as the big development was probably Netflix (which would really shake things up in the next decade.) There were certainly additional avenues for PPV, such as the Playstation Network, but it was pretty redundant with the cable PPV offerings so not such a huge deal. Netflix allowed the annoying Type A people who were pissed that they couldn’t pre-reserve every f*cking movie at the movie rental store, to create a list of movies they wanted and then they’d mail that sh*t right to their Type A houses, complete with envelopes that you know those nerds put in their Daytimer so they’d remember to send back immediately after watching. This didn’t work so much for lazy people like myself, who were willing to roll the dice at the video store (even after consistently experiencing the shocking absence of the next The Wire DVD from the store shelves at important junctures.)
One personal wrinkle was the “movie I’d watch only if on a plane” when I was traveling quite a bit. I watched 17 Again in such a situation – something I’m not proud of (it wasn’t even the only option available – business class, homie. I am ashamed, though.)
The ’10s (No One Calls This Decade Anything To My Knowledge, So Maybe I Can Start A Trend)
It’s a bit of a fib to blame the ’10s for the current glut of selections: I’m sure Netflix streaming was available prior to Jan 1st, 2010. But for clarity of this article, let’s assume that was the case (as that’s when we started stealing the streaming from SO’s mom’s Netflix account.) So now, with Netflix Instant (or Amazon Prime, for you Amazon nerds – look to your right, buy something!) you could watch a whole bunch of sh*t immediately, right on your tv or computer screen, for no additonal cash outlay. Game changer. Now, when we decide we want to watch a movie, here’s a rough description of the process.
Maybe we should watch a movie?
- Cool, let’s check out Netflix streaming
- Not much new on here, what’s in our queue again?
- I’m not really in the mood for The Long Kiss Goodnight again, maybe we should watch an old tv show instead?
- Hold on, did you try Channel 1000? Maybe there’s some new stuff on there we wanted to see?
- Damn, now Channel 1000 has so much crap on it it’s separated into 3 alphabetical pages
- This is gonna take forever, what about HBO OnDemand? That’s free at least
- I think Boardwalk Empire is too heavy for right now, what about a couple of Curb reruns?
- Wait, flip down to Showtime OnDemand
- Does Weeds still suck? Or is it better now?
- Is the Playstation still on? Let’s check out the PS Network, movies are $1 cheaper on there
- Did you look at Primetime OnDemand? Have we seen all the Louies?
- Go back to Netflix, I think that documentary on wolverines is still on there
- Damn, how many horror films are on here?
- I’m getting tired, just push any f*cking button on any remote that will cause a moving image on the screen
- F*ck it, I’m just gonna read this Us Weekly from May 2009 and go to sleep
