Is Andy Serkis Among The Ugliest Humans Alive?
Posted by: chilly17 in Pop Culture on August 24th, 2011
The haircut is not helping
It would seemingly be pretty sweet to be Peter Jackson’s muse, with prominent roles in several well-regarded big-budget productions (oftentimes mutually exclusive adjectives). But what if one of the strict conditions of receiving these roles is that no one ever see your (possibly hideously ugly) face? You possess facial muscles that can make a middle-aged housewife nod knowingly with merely a nuanced arching of a computer-simulated eyebrow; does that compensate for the fact that your non-CGI visage has made even veteran crime scene photographers retch up 2-3 recent meals? If every role required tiny light bulbs to cover your face – not only to capture the movements for the digital manipulation, but to obscure your features such that the crew would not be subject to seeing your face, undiluted?
Such is the plight of Andy Serkis, who’s the computer-generated face of Gollum, King Kong, some apes in Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes and probably some other stuff. I know actors are supposed to have pretty thick skin, but isn’t “your fucking face is disgusting” harder to digest than “you need to lose around ten pounds, sweetie”? Even worse, he’s almost universally lauded for these performances, with some Oscar buzz for Gollum and some more modest awards chatter for ROTPOA. ”You’re great, we love you, you captured the character perfectly – thank God we were able to edit out all of your physical characteristics.” I’ve gotta assume AS has a pretty solid net worth, so it’s not all bad for him, but I can imagine that it kind of sucks to be his agent.
This is a distinct improvement
Ten Responses Andy Serkis’ Agent Has Definitely Heard From Casting Directors
1. ”We are gonna pass, but he’d be perfect if we needed to cast John Merrick’s uglier brother”
2. ”I’ll get back to you, our cameramen are negotiating for offset cameras if we cast him, don’t know if our budget can handle it”
3. ”I think we would be much more interested if we’d figured out how to film with Andy behind the greenscreen”
4. ”Would he be interested in auditioning for the role of “1980 Saints Fan”, instead?”
5. ”Has a little too much of a Gracie Belle vibe for this part”
6. ”When we called Andy in, we had no idea that he’d been recently involved in a chimpanzee attack – did it happen on the Planet of the Apes set?”
7. ”Andy makes Paul Giammati look like a young Patrick Swayze”
8. ”Sorry, we learned our lesson with the Ray Park experiment”
9. ”Call Paramount, they are working on an Unknown Comic biopic”
10. ”God, no…he’s horrendous”
Later,
Chilly17
Lyrics Examined: “Right There”
Posted by: chilly17 in Lyrics Examined, Pop Culture on August 9th, 2011
Nicole - Feel free to grab a cheeseburger at the poolside bar
The title of this post is a little misleading – I was originally just gonna take a look at the (undoubtedly meaningful and metaphorical) lyrics to the song “Right There.” Then I watched the video, which led to even more questions. So now this is more of a “Five Questions for the People Behind “Right There” the Song and “Right There” the Video” deal.
The amazing and deep lyrics, in their entirety:
Come here baby eh be my baby
Eh be my baby oh oh oh
Come here baby put your hands on my body
Hands on my body oh oh oh
Right there keep it right there
I love when you put it right there yeah
Oh oh oh yeah yeah yeah oh oh oh
Yeah yeah
Me like the way that you hold my body
Me like the way that you touch my body
Me like the way that you kiss my yeah yeah yeah yeah me like it
Me like the way that he put it on me
Me like the way that he push up on me
Me like the way that he goin’ down down down down down
Down down down down down
I aint never gonna let no girl take him from me
Never gonna let no girl steal him from me
Never gonna let no girl get that close now
I tell’em hey hey your’e too close now
CHORUS:
Come here baby eh be my baby
Eh be my baby oh oh oh
Come here baby put your hands on my body
Hands on my body oh oh oh
Right there keep it right there
I love when you put it right there yeah
Oh oh oh yeah yeah yeah oh oh oh
Yeah yeah
I like the way that you talk dirty
Don’t wash your mouth out I like it dirty
You like to please yeah I like that yeah yeah yeah yeah me like it
I like the way that you keep me coming
Yeah yeah you so good you had me running
Me like the way that he goin’ down down down down down
Down down down down down
No I ain’t never gonna let no girl take him from me
Never gonna let no girl steal him from me
Never gonna let a girl get that close now
I tell’em hey hey you’re too close now
CHORUS:
Come here baby eh be my baby
Eh be my baby oh oh oh
Come here baby put your hands on my body
Hands on my body oh oh oh
Right there keep it right there
I love it when you put it right there yeah
Oh oh oh yeah yeah yeah oh oh oh
Yeah yeah
Do he know how to work it?
he got that got that
Put it on you work it
he got that got that
Do you real good for your lay it down good for you yeah
He got that got that
All my girls if your man put it down let me hear you say yeah
All my ladies if you man put it down let me hear you say yeah
Do he work that? How like you like that?
When he throw the bone attcha do you bite back?
Say yeah all my girls say yeah
If he makes you feel good
CHORUS:
Come here baby eh be my baby
Eh be my baby oh oh oh
Come here baby put your hands on my body
Hands on my body oh oh oh
Right there keep it right there
I love when you put it right there yeah
Oh oh oh yeah yeah yeah oh oh oh
Yeah yeah
Come here baby come be my baby
Come be my baby oh oh oh
Come here baby put your hands on my body
Put your hands on my body like yeah
Right there keep it right there
I love when you love me say yeah oh oh oh
CHORUS:
Come here baby eh be my baby
Eh be my baby oh oh oh
Come here baby put your hands on my body
Hands on my body oh oh oh
Right there keep it right there
I love it when you put it right there yeah
Oh oh oh yeah yeah yeah oh oh oh
Yeah yeah
Five Questions for Nicole Scherzinger, James Scheffer, Ester Dean, Frank Romano, Daniel Morris and Anybody Else Creatively Responsible for “Right There” and its Video
1. For the songwriters - James Scheffer, Ester Dean, Frank Romano and Daniel Morris, according to some random website that is probably pretty inaccurate – what the f*ck is up with the first person pronouns here?? ”Me” when it should be “I” then back to correct usage, then back to “me” – they’re both one syllable, so doesn’t seem like it would trip up any tricky pentameter schemes here. Is “me” inherently sexier than “I” or something? Is she supposed to be channeling Cookie Monster or somebody? I don’t quite get it.
2. Also for the songwriters – This shit took four of you to write?
3. For everybody involved, could you please make the sex metaphors a little more straightforward? These are pretty lacking – on a scale of one to Ready For The World - these fall a Jheri-curl or two short of the mark. That “put it on me, push up on me” business has me pondering whether the guy is putting on her bra instead of the more standard removing her clothes during “put it right there” type situations. Then she’s celebrating when her man “puts it down” – which sounds more like a remix of every 1980s female comic’s bit about their man’s toilet seat habits than a sultry call to get busy (or put on clothes, who knows what’s really going on here).
Color them unimpressed - lyrics like "I'm so deep inside of you girl" required little examination
4. Is this really how you protect your territory? I appreciate that some time was taken to establish that Nicole is pretty protective of her man – although it’s somewhat indeterminate as to whether it’s sexual prowess or just that he religiously puts down the toilet seat; the first twenty lines of lyrics establish this fondness and suggest that she’ll be fiercely protective of her territory. No telling what she’s f*cking likely to do if some girl threatens to “steal him from me, take him from me”? She’s probably gonna shoot a bitch, right? Pull some hair at a minimum? How about politely telling her “you’re too close now.” That’s not gangsta, that’s after-school speciala.
5. Was 50 Cent cast in the video only because they realized they probably needed to put a dude in it somewhere? The video is hilarious; 50 Cent has less chemistry with Scherzinger than my coffee table does with the stack of Chipotle napkins that I put down, down, down on it. And for all the talk about how her man is touching her, the video is completely devoid of that – at one point, 50 Cent did get pretty near her, but I believe her parka prevented actual contact. For a song that is ostensibly about a guy touching a girl, the video medium show’s zero physical contact – mostly it’s just girls in some weird looking combination of swim/outerwear dancing around with bizarre ponytails and shit. Makes me strangely nostalgic for I miss the Pussycat Dolls (which is kind of weird, because everytime I see their founder on SYTCD it causes me to have PTSD-type symptoms for a couple days).
Later,
Chilly17
P.S. To those people clicking on google ads, you are good people. This site will be self-sustaining within about 17 years, couldn’t do it without you. Feel free to vote in the candy bar poll, too – I’m gonna see how the empirical evidence stacks up against my undoubtedly correct opinions. Also, I’m trying to make sure my sidebar is jam-packed with shit.
Search Me: June 2011
Posted by: chilly17 in Random Searches on July 20th, 2011
I received an email from the Internet that this was the only website not to throw up some Kate Upton images and that if I didn’t rectify that immediately I’d have to turn in the keys. So that up there is a Kate Upton – apparently an internet/swimsuit modeling/glassholding sensation. Personally, I don’t see what all the hubbub is about. Anyway, she posts a lot of pictures to her twitter account, so I recommend checking it out if you are interested in that kind of thing. If you like to read about people bitching about the disappearance of the beefy crunch burrito or complaining about cable companies, my twitter feed is probably for you.
Given that I am lazy as fuck, the easiest post for me to do is one that shows the random searches that led people here last month. About 1500 unfortunate souls made their way here, mostly searching for info on douchebag bankers or goatees. (That’s a lie – about 70% of the folks are looking into candy bars and ugly babies – but who wants to be typecast?) Some people get here on “long-tail” searches, which means an absurd combination of words that should stand the test of time if The Algorithm somehow decides your site is the place to be. I have some stuff I want to write about, but my current circumstances rarely provide opportunity for that much frivolity. But I’m becoming even more obsessed with random 80′s videos/music and I’m sure that will interest at least 7 people reading this, when I get around to it. Anyhow, this counts as a post, so suck it, Big G.
Categories of Searches That Led People Here This Month (with the search terms in bullets in case you are retarded)
I Apologize In Advance For Asking This, Mr. Search Engine
- i know this is mean but the baby on friday night lights is ugly
That Sounds Inappropriate For A Family Website Like This
- mesh shorts cock
- diablo cody slang masturbating
- historical figures i d like to fuck
- filthiest offended
- what movie does selma blair have sex with samuel jackson
- oral sex and goatee
- masturbation in submarines
- elizabeth perkins fucking
- white raper from trailer park boys
The Internet’s Leading Authority On Anal Leakage
- do pork rinds cause anal seepage
- funions anal leakage
- does special k cracker chips cause anal leakage
- sun chips=diarrhea
- munchos chips diarrhea
- do pork rinds cause anal leaking?
- pork rhines cause anal leakage?
- munchos anal seepage
I Thought I Was Mean
- gracie bell cryptkeeper
- how ugly is the baby on friday night lights??
- gracie bell crypt keeper
- is something wrong with the little girl gracie on friday night lights
No Idea How You Got Here From There
- vin diesel in a pair of tighty whities
- guy fieri wearing jorts
- taking chantix and abilify together
- jordan porter blacksburg
- %
- flamin hot funyuns hair mediatakeout
- elisha cuthbert incredible feet
- donka doo stud
- have an mind of your own
- desk is honey badgered
I'm beginning to get it...
Later,
Chilly17
