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How to Enter Things

How to Enter Things




Hola – hopefully the long weekend treated you all well.  Given that I’m on a perpetual seven day weekend, I didn’t really notice any holidayness.  But I’m hoping to find some peanut butter eggs on deep discount.  The uptake on last weeks posts on “How to Walk Down the Street” was strong – I’ve faced less than 3 four-abreasts this week.  Excellent.  Given that, I’ve decided to devote at least a portion of my time and energy to educating the masses, the benefit to all will apparently be sizable.  What’s the opposite of a social tax?  A social subsidy?  There should be some kind of tax break for this….

How to Enter a Doorway

Is there another person trying to do the exact opposite of what you are trying to do?  No?  Then proceed in/out of the door as if you own it.  If someone else is trying to get in/out at the same time, ask yourself a question: is it super fucking hot, cold or rainy outside?  Then let the poor soul from the outside in first.  

If it’s moderate weather?  Tie goes to the person inside – if he has any grace, the person outside will even hold the door.  But if you see some bastard staggering in from the 128 degree heat, by all means let him into the AC first, and enjoy those extra few seconds of comfort.


How to Enter an Elevator

First, shut the fuck up – particularly if you are with a bunch of friends.  No one else on the ‘vator wants to hear the super-interesting details of how fucked up you got last night or what interesting projects you think you’re about to be assigned.  Are you going only 1-3 floors from the floor you are currently on?  Proceed directly to How to Enter the Stairs.  Your fat ass could use a little exercise.  Seriously.  

And if you’re a summer intern?  Never get on the elevator.  Ever.  No one wants to be slowed waiting for your floor to hit (or to have to make small talk during the interminable ride – “so how’s Rutgers basketball this year?”).  And don’t even think of getting in the car line or causing any other delays for the hard working fulltimers who are waiting to be laid off.  


How to Enter the NBA Draft

Endure year of college.  Listen to your posse tell you you’re definitely a first rounder, most likely in the lottery.  Order a custom made seven button suit (preferably in a rarely seen pastel).  Make it official with the agent that’s been paying for your Escalades since junior high – he’ll take care of all the admin.  Offer financial support to all friends/family – you’re gonna be rich!  Proceed to NYC.  Enjoy the green room.



Unfortunately his shot selection is worse than his suit selection
Unfortunately his shot selection is worse than his suit selection




How to Enter the WNBA Draft

Grow out mullet or cornrows.  Shave your back.  Send email to saying you’d like to join league.  Wait for uniforms, 401k info, etc.


How to Secretly Enter Your Girlfriend (Into a Karaoke Contest)

Create a solid alibi (like a Real Housewives of New York keeper league draft or some shit) then head to Koreatown. Find bar with Thursday night karaoke.  Verify presence of “Rock You Like a Hurricane” on the playlist.  Sign her ass up. 


How to Enter a Subway Car

Let the people already in the car exit before you try to get in. Seriously, let them get out first.  I know you are in a big hurry and really want to get a seat, but try and relax.  Don’t stand right in the middle of the door and make the exiting passengers work around you, that fucks up all the efficiency.  Stand to the side of the door – either the left or the right side will do.  Once all the exitors have exited, proceed inside in an orderly fashion.  Move as far to the center of the car as reasonable, given your final destination.  Avoid eye contact with anyone in car, pretend to be listening to Ipod (this works even if you have no headphones).


How to Enter a Drawing to Win Free Lunch for Your Office

Pull out a business card.  Push it down a little bit into that goldfish bowl right next to the tip jar – they never pull the ones from the top.  Get it in the mix a little bit, but not too far down.  Make sure to do this around 4:00 PM the day the drawing ends.  Stand by for six foot sub party.  



Go for burritos if possible
Too bad six foot subs actually suck




How to Enter Stage Right

Stand just offstage, to the right of the audience.  On your cue, enter the stage from that area.  


How to “Enter Sandman”

Drop in Metallica.  Press play.


How to Enter Your PIN Number with Disreputable Characters Loitering in the ATM Vestibule

Remove your cellphone, pretend to have a conversation.  Casually make reference to the other person’s law enforcement occupation: “Hey, Jacob, how is it going down at the State Pen?  You still bustin heads?”  Use one hand to enter your pin; throw them off by fake pushing 3 before you actually push 7 .  Take out the smallest amount of cash possible ($2 in some parts of the south).  As with walking down the street or riding on the subway, avoid eye contact (unless you suspect that reviewing a police lineup is in your future).


How to Enter the U.S. Military 

Exhaust all other possibilities for self-sustenance.  (Except for appearing on game show – always, always keep that option open).  Head down and visit your local recruiter – he’ll take care of the rest.


How to Enter the Dragon

See Lew Alcindor.  Kick his ass.  Wait, Game of Death?  Whatever, you get the gist.


How to Enter the Mainstream

Lose your punk sensibility; embrace capitalism.  Twitter.  See if Timbaland can work up some beats for you.  Wear mascara.  Cater to the tween audience.    


How to Intermediate a Labor Dispute

Confirm that your arbitrator credentials are up to date.  Carefully consider both sides of argument.  Then side with the union, if you know what’s good for you (based solely on what I’ve seen in tv/movies.  Except for The Wire; the union guys got worked over pretty bad in that one.) 


How to Enter the 2009 Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon

Run three miles, twice a week, for three straight weeks.  Dude, you are set!  You’re in awesome shape, this will be frickin cake.  Register here.   What’s the worst that can happen, it’s in San Diego?



A great event for the public urination afficionado
A great event for the public urination afficionado




How to Enter Cheat Codes in Dragonball Z Budukai

Okay, you see what’s going on here?  I’m just blatantly googling shit that starts with “enter”…


How to Enter an “Alternative Lifestyle” Chatroom

How the fuck would I know?  Just because I live in Chelsea and there’s a licensed Boy Butter dealer down the street?  That’s neighborhood profiling! 


How to Enter a Room

Glue a merkin to the crotchal area of your pants, then set afire.  Saunter into room singing “Rock You Like a Hurricane” (it’s not just for karaoke, you know).  Extinguish crotch blaze with Mike’s Hard Lemonade – offer the remaining MHL to the other people in the room.  Make “firecrotch” jokes as appropriate.  You have entered the room.  


How to Enter Into an Iron Condor

In an uptrending market, establish the bear spread first.  Decide what spread of strikes you are comfortable with – I like to go 1-2 strikes above/below the current stock price, depending on market “feel.”  Leg into the bull spread, hopefully capturing a little extra premium on that side if the market moves your way.  

Oh, if you are doing this on Whole Foods, don’t worry – you will get fucked in the end regardless.


How to Enter a Deep State of Relaxation

Recipe: 3 parts Menage, 1 part Chipotle, 1 part Funyuns, 3 parts How I Met Your Mother.  Then take a little nap.


How to Enter Your Cat in a Cat Show

Verify pedigree of your feline.  Proceed to Cat Fanciers Association.  Reevaluate your life and where it all went wrong.


How to Enter to Win a Fucking Pulitzer Prize for Journalism

I’m so doing this.  I mean, seriously, is there any way my hard-hitting Marc Dreier bit isn’t going to win?  Ha-ha – see ya’ll, I’m on the road to journalistic riches, no more of this interweb bullshit…


If you melt this down it's probably worth some decent coin
If you melt this down it's probably worth some decent coin at Cash4Gold