More from the mailbag…
Q: I loved your reality show ideas, particularly FingerFork. Who would be your ideal contestants on Celebrity Finger Fork?
A: The ideal contestant for Celebrity FingerFork would possess three key attributes: 1) Has already been completely disgraced; 2) Still feels no sense of shame; and 3) Open to receiving more publicity. So I think you could choose 2-3 contestants from each of these pools and have yourself a nice competition:
Down-on-their-luck ex-athletes looking for a reduction in their prison sentences: Lenny Dykstra, Roger Clemens, Jim Leyritz (fuck you again for 1996, Leyritz!), Jayson Williams
Reality show morons looking to extend their undeserved 15 minutes: That chick from The Real World who’s been on like 85 reality shows since and is now about 40 years old, someone from The Hills, someone from one of the 70 or so permutations of the Real Housewives franchise, that Joe Millionaire dude
Financial shysters also looking to cut down on their Club Fed time: Marc Dreier (congrats on the sentence, bro! Only 20 years? You’ll knock that shit out in like six with good behavior – you can probably be impersonating the CEO of Brookfield before 2015), Dennis Bolze, Lenny Dykstra (in case he doesn’t make the cut in that first category; he’s a classy guy and needs to be on the show, although for him a better showcase might be Celebrity TongueFork) , Nicholas Cosmo
Others likely to be available and qualified when the show finally hits the airwaves in three years: Ben Stiller, Lindsay Lohan, Tila Tequila, Shia LeBeouf, that fat kid in all those Judd Apatow movies, Perez Hilton, Paris Hilton, Matt Bush (nice pick, Padres), Richard Dreyfuss, Luke Walton, Drew Barrymore, my old trigonometry teacher, Artie Lange, Peter Criss
Q: Chilly, you have to choose between one of the following two options. Makeup, surgery, etc are not allowed to obfuscate either alternative – only clothing reasonably expected to be worn by an average citizen is allowed.
Would you rather have:
a.) Peter Criss’ makeup permanently tattooed to your face, or
b.) A second penis located on the right side of your abdomen, exactly half-way between your armpit and your waist. (For clarity’s sake, a penis only, no testicles involved – testiclez if you want to keep your format intact)
A: I have given this some serious thought, and will give you my abbreviated reply. Obviously, your age at the time of decision is very important. Given that I’m most likely over 50% as old as I’m destined to get, I have stepped back in time a bit to answer this question. But not so far back that Kiss is cool, that would be unfair. I’ll assume I have to make this decision when I’m 18 years old – post KISS’ prime, but in the wheelhouse for spending a lot of time outside.
Impact on job opportunities: Having the makeup opens up a few potential occupations: Kiss cover band member, tattoo artist, Hard Rock Cafe waiter. But the makeup eliminates almost every mainstream occupation. The second penis keeps most jobs open (assuming that you wear a Brooks Brothers non-iron shirt, those things are baggy as fuck), eliminating only lifeguard, lion tamer and romance novel cover model. It also opens up new career opportunities in niche pronography and carnival sideshow performance.
Edge: Second Penis.
Impact on romantic opportunities: While offputting for most, the cat makeup still leaves you in good shape with blind chicks, Kiss groupies, tattoo freaks, and sensitive types who “get” people only on their most emotional level. Second penis would be an unwanted conversation piece in most amorous situations.
Huge Edge: Peter Criss makeup.
Impact on social life, non-romantic: This is close to a toss-up. With a second dong (oh, speaking of, all you HSBC folks, did you know your internet admin is Jin Dong? Solid) you could keep your current group of friends, for the most part. But would you really want them? They’d be giving you a ton of shit for never taking your shirt off at the pool, etc, and if they ever found out? You’d have to hit the road and find new friends like Bill Bixby at the end of every episode of The Incredible Hulk. With the makeup, yeah, you’re hanging out with freaks and weirdos, but they probably think you’re pretty awesome for tattoing your face permanently into that of the least popular member of Kiss. Close call.
Slight Edge: Peter Criss makeup.
Conclusion: I’ll take the makeup, please, and put me in touch with a fourth tier booking agent while you’re at it.
Q: Chilly, whose legacy would you rather have: Martina Hingis’ or Anna Kournikova’s?
A: This would seem to be an easy one – Hingis was ranked #1 for four years, won five Grand Slams in singles (and a bunch more in doubles) and dated Sergio Garcia. Kournikova never won shit and was ranked in the top ten for a blink. But I’ll take Anna’s legacy, all day, every day. I prefer the epitapaph: “Widely considered one of the sexiest women in the world for a decade, made a ton of money, also pretty good at tennis, once considered one of the ten best in the world” to “Extremely successful, yet homely, tennis player ranked #1 in the world for 209 weeks, won five grand slam singles titles, but let’s be honest, three of them were the Australian Open, and that’s like the PGA Championship of tennis, so really she won a Wimbledon and a US Open, which is great, but she probably wished she was hotter.”
Seriously, Hingis never won the French? Seems like that’s the one she should have won. Mix in the borderline racist (and definitely idiotic) sound bites and the positive test for cocaine during a 2007 comeback, and you have a cocktail of meh. Anna, on the other hand, seems to be a pretty good ambassador for that World Team Tennis thingee, was a top-ranked doubles player (albeit with Hingis) and other than getting absurdly skinny, hasn’t made many missteps. I’d rather have been the uber-hottie who was pretty good at tennis – call me non-old fashioned.
Q: Chilly, thanks for the Office Etiquette 101. I’m new to the office environment and suspect I have benefited greatly as my initial instinct upon hitting the cube was to play Guitar Hero on my Nintendo DS. One topic you didn’t hit was office romance, any rough guidelines?
A: A couple things: if you are an intern, you should not make any rash romantic moves until the offers have been made or are 99% finalized. I’ve seen offers un-extended for “inappropriate” activities (even though they may have been completely appropriate, but somehow offended the delicate sensibilities of a more senior banker). Also, if there is a community space where exhausted people go to catch a couple hours of sleep after multiple all-nighters, I would highly recommend that you DO NOT EVER FOOL AROUND IN THAT AREA. At the place I worked, the community couch room was being analyzed by a Tufts task force in full biohazard suits – apparently, powerful new communicable disease strains were being created on those nougahyde petrie dishes every night. I wouldn’t even sit on those things if you can avoid it.
Aside from staying off the couches, the key advice I can offer in any office courtship is this: make sure there is a TON of alcohol involved when you broach the topic with your potential friend. Plausible deniability is imperative. If something happens, but one or the other of you regret it, you can always chalk it up to “man, I was drunk last night, I don’t even remember what happened after we drank our seventh shot of Wild Turkey 101.” This is better for everyone involved. And not in a date-rapey sense either, more in a convenient-excusey sense. Helps minimize the awkward the next day. Trust me on this one.
This is a pretty involved topic, actually, I will expand on this in the next Etiquette 101 (that actually may be a 102 0r 103 level) but the wisdom above is all you need for now.