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The Case Against: Goatees

The Case Against: Goatees



I just spent a few days down South; please allow me to make a couple of observations.  First, there are way too many 19 year old couples with two kids roaming the aisles at Wal-Mart.  I suppose I’m pretty contrarian on the whole “our most important contribution to the world is procreation” notion anyway, but having a bunch of kids before you’re old enough to have legally sampled all the Boone’s Farm varietals??  Seems idiotic to me.  At least give yourself a chance before loading up the balance sheet of life with liabilities – the Fed isn’t gonna rescue you.  Second, what’s with all the fucking tats and goatees?  I won’t even go into the tattoos at this point, at least there’s some prospect of covering that shit up.  (Unless you’re the guy I saw in the Miami airport a couple of years ago with your entire face tattooed and those very distinguished bolts you had implanted in your forehead.  You are screwed – Old Navy is probably off limits for you forever.  You are destined to seek out stores with “Dungeon” or “Lair” in their names for all your shopping needs.)
I somewhat understand the desire for facial hair – at the Academy we were pretty limited in what we could do, so we expressed ourselves by pushing the limits with our sideburns (this may sound lame but at a military academy it was pretty fucking anarchic).  Lower and lower, bushier and bushier they went, until you ran into some fucking Marine Lieutenant who gave you a bunch of shit about it and made you shave them.  So I kind of get it.  But lets be honest: goatees look fucking stupid (with a couple of exceptions noted below).  They just aren’t cool.  They look like the unfortunate byproduct of canine alopecia, oral sex and maple syrup.
In fact, goatees are almost certainly the mustaches of our generation.  You know how people have mustache contests now to be ironic?  Goatee contests are just down the road, trust me.  Shave that shit; people might even start to take you seriously.  And soul patches, “flava savas”, etc?  C’mon, unless you are in a hillbilly sodomist banjo band, please shave that shit, too.  For those of you who are concerned we won’t be able to identify hipster douchebags if all the ironic facial hair gets shaved, do not worry.  There will always be fedoras and wallet chains.
We all know shaving sucks, it’s the worst five minutes of my day (although I only shave about every three days now).  But a goatee actually requires more work, as there’s some artsmanship that goes into it.  Stubble is fine – it tells the world “fuck off, I’m doing what I want, when I want.”  Shaving sucks – don’t pour more effort into it than necessary just to maintain the conical disaster on your chin.  Either go full Hirsute Honeys or go full Brazilian; goatees are too bipartisan, pick a side.  
Speaking of shaving: hey Gillette, I’m onto you.  The Fusion is no better than the Sensor, and yet every time you come up with a new shaving “advance,” I run out and buy the new model.  (Except for that vibrating shit, that seems more something for the ladies and frankly a little dangerous.)  A billion dollars in R&D my ass, it’s like “add another blade, rename the lubri-strip the dermigel strip, change the packaging to something red and call it the Gillette Contour.”  I’m gonna stock up on Sensors for life.


There are only a few types of people who should be wearing goatees


1.  Badasses with Shaved Heads  


Killing vampires a plus
Sword, shades also contribute to the look



2.  Magicians


Looks best on evil magicians
Looks best on evil magicians



3.  Flabby, Middle-aged White Guys with Weak Chins 


Gang signs add to the mystique
There's little hope either way



Sure, there are possibly other exceptions – a huge birthmark on your chin or a hideous collection of moles, maybe – but this is basically it.  Go ahead and shave – most likely with an expensive Gillette product.   


Enjoy the weekend,