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The Case Against: Losing Your Hair

The Case Against: Losing Your Hair


Let’s face it, losing your hair sucks.  That’s a pretty obvious statement, I realize, but aside from the ding to your attractiveness, balding also serves as a daily reminder that you are getting old as fuck.  It seems pretty unfair that it really only impacts males, but I guess that balances some of the gender inequity (pregnancy, menstruation, sports bras add up to roughly be as shitty as hair loss).  This is especially painful as I’m dealing with this issue as we speak – although I attribute any hair loss issues with my years of service in the proximity of a NUCLEAR FUCKING REACTOR to protect AMERICA’S (AND YOUR) FREEDOM.  So it’s not so much hair loss as a memento of my contribution to this great nation of ours.

There are different types of balding, some much worse than others.  In the Navy, practically everyone was convinced they were losing tons of hair (maybe because of the aforementioned NUCLEAR FUCKING REACTORS); one of my buddies would literally start hyperventilating at the sight of a stray hair in the shower (to be fair, though, he’s Filipino so he could rule out it being a body hair).  And this guy still has more hair than an Iranian bikini wax salon.  Guys can get pretty worked up on this issue – it generally involves a strange conversation with one’s mom to find out what her dad’s hair situation was (or if he’s alive, one could also just look at his head).  Because that’s supposedly whose genetics decide the fate of your hair.  Thanks, Gramps!  Some fates are better than others, though.


The Categories of Hair Loss


1.  The widow’s peak – You know the look, classic gradually receding hairline where the temples go backward but the front part kind of stays in place.  The key words, again, are gradual and classy.  They even gave this hairline a cool-assed name.  It shouldn’t really even be considered going bald – I mean fucking Sandman chooses to have a widow’s peak!  He’s made of sand, which he can manipulate; he could mesh his hairline with his eyebrows if he wanted to.

Historical Examples:  Sandman, Eddie Munster


A classic look...
A classic look...


.... even for a vampire youth
.... even for a vampire youth


Currently rocking the widow’s peak: Jude Law (but he’s in danger of pulling a Bruce Willis and combining it with a more grave example of hair loss)

This could easily grow into a full frontal combo
This could easily grow into a full frontal combo



2.  The bald spot – A thinning of hair at the crown of your noggin – basically a skin yarmulke.  (Jewish guys have a big advantage with this type of hair loss).  Not that bad, since, unless you’re really short, not that many people see the top of your head (unless you happen to be a POV ghey pron actor).  Bald spots are startling, though, when they do pop into view.  One positive is that bald spots provide fodder for humorous tee shirts advocating alternative energy, sold at beaches and carnivals worldwide.

Historical Example: Friar Tuck (and possibly most friar’s, I’m only familiar with Tuck’s work)

Classic friar 'style
Classic friar 'style


Currently sporting a bald spot:  Prince William (the one from England – I’m trying to widen my fanbase), Manu Ginobli

Fuck it, he's going to be the fucking King of England.  He will be fine even at full friar levels
Fuck it, he's going to be the fucking King of England. He will be fine even with a "full friar"



3.  Goes by many names – “Receding hairline”/”thinning hair”/”somberly recognizing your own mortality and the fragile nature of youth” – This is the absolute worst kind of hair loss: it’s right there for everyone to see.  Has led to a staggering number of coverup hairstyles: the Caesar, the combover, the straight back, the Trump, the Gordon Gekko (called “the Pat Riley” on the west coast) just to name a handful.  Horribly unpleasant and the coverups frequently amplify, rather than mitigate, the  unattractiveness.  Guess which kind I have?  Dammit.

Historical Examples: Bruce Willis (although he may have had a rare widow’s peak that mutated), Jeremy Piven (though the Piv definitely did something about it; he’s apparently removed most of the Seinfeld-era images from the entire internet, as well)

Current Example: Brendan Fraser (Encino Man fans, you may want to avert your eyes)

no comment
No comment


4.  The dreaded combination – Heaven help those who are afflicted by more than one type of balding at once.  It can happen – best alternative in that case is to go straight cueball.

Receding hairline + bald spot = George Costanza

Should've kept using that cream from China
Should've kept using that cream from China


Receding hairline + widow’s peak = Bozo the Clown

Keep it really bushy on the sides and back, thanks
Keep it really bushy on the sides and back, thanks


Bald spot + widow’s peak = Rob Corddry


The widow's peak has been surrounded - never surrender!
The widow's peak has been surrounded - never surrender!


Gentleman, baldness sucks.  Fight the good fight.  And thank God you aren’t Rob Corddry.  Enjoy your weekend.


Chilly17, wasted potential is underrated