Today is apparently the first day you can preorder an iPad, Apple’s latest cultural meteorite sure to scorch the earth of shit that came out last year. Why must you have one?
Ten Reasons Why You Need To Buy An iPad Immediately
10. Maintain your lifelong vendetta against Adobe
9. Reverse backlash: people who hate Apple early adopters now generally more hated than Apple early adopters
8. Product has already received the Young Jeezy seal of approval
7. Extend black turtleneck season by an additional six months
6. Sometimes unwieldy and fragile are preferable to fully-functional or convenient
5. On that big-assed screen, hitting the app store is like a trip to the mall, minus all the Twilight posters
4. Help maintain current popularity of lame female hygiene-related jokes
3. The Starbucks on the corner is getting sick of you rolling your 1999 iMac in every afternoon
2. One should always embrace the opportunity to spend more time with the delightful folks at AT&T
1. I really need my Apple Mar $230 calls to end up in the money after some poor decision-making earlier this week
Speaking of money, let me give you a quick update on how much dough I’ve raked in since putting those sweet ads (look to the right) on here. $0.43. That may not sound like much, but, hey, it isn’t. Aren’t any of you rich fuckers buying expensive shit just for the hell of it? That’s what I used to do back when I was a productive member of society. (“Productive” is a subjective term and in the current climate regarding investment bankers, probably better to just say I was a member of society). You guys deserve something nice, something like a new Adcom 7.1 Channel A/V Receiver. If nobody’s going to buy a tractor, at least have the common decency to buy some sweet audio gear. Indulge yourself – you work hard and you deserve it.
Speaking of advertisements, this might be one of my favorite commercials ever. And I don’t even watch Go Yadda Yadda Hedda Gabbler or whatever. Toys as sentient beings having a great time, imagine that! From the monkey getting a tattoo stitched on, to the bull-riding, to the vegas scene (complete with a shout-out to my peeps at the Monte Carlo), this piece is perfectly done. I was feeling pretty bad for that daydreaming monkey until that driver pushed that start button. I would so buy a Kia Sorrento if they sold them on amazon. (Commence calling me ghey.)
Chilly17, wasted potential